|photo by Vincent Ledvina from Unsplash|
It takes me a week to decide to send Glenn a message. And then another week to figure out what to say. I keep it simple: My flight arrives at 7:04 p.m. on the 20th. I'll meet you on your front porch at 9:30.
His reply doesn't come until the next morning: Okay. And this time it only takes me a few minutes to get over being mad about the one-word answer. Because what else can he say? I didn't give him a choice.
I text Megan the details while I'm sitting on the bleachers watching six buff boy-bodies race across the pool. Good, she replies. You've played this well.
It's not a game. :|
Don't be so sensitive. You know what I mean.
And you know how hard this is for me, right? For the first time in my life, I don't know what I want.
You want a degree from Virginia Tech, she reminds me. You want to work for NASA. You want your parents to retire and sell the farm to you and Glenn so the two of you can live in the big house and have two-to-four children—who you swear you will not name after dead relatives.
The obnoxiously loud buzzer commands my attention. I didn't realize the team was having a trial race today. My phone rings. "No fair ignoring me," Megan says when I answer.
"I'm watching a race. Conner's about to win."
"It's loud," she says.
"I'm not the only swim-team groupie."
"Did you read my text?"
Conner does his flip and turn. "Hold on," I say. "Last lap." She blows a sigh of protest but I ignore her. I can't take my attention away from him. He's way ahead of the rest of the team. Just him and the clock now.
Someone behind me starts stomping on the bleachers. I join in, let out a whoop.
I jump up, screaming when Conner touches the wall at 45:08—a few seconds faster than his Championship score last year. "You really need to come watch him," I say into the phone.
"I'd rather watch Chase."
"I'm sure that can be..." All six of them lift their glistening bodies out of the water—like some kind of synchronized olympic event. I don't think I'll ever get used to this.
"Okay, let's get back to reality," Megan says.
"You have my full attention." Not really, because the coach is pulling Conner aside to shake hands with another coach-looking guy and I'm all puffed up with pride.
"What are you going to do about Dorothy and The Scarecrow if you and Glenn get back together?" she asks.
Ugh. She has me now. Reality certainly does suck.
"I don't know, Megan. I'm a debutante. I applied to Cornell University—and Penn State. I am obviously having an existential crisis."
Megan goes silent for a moment. I've surprised her. "Well," she says, like she's shaking it off. "There's no off switch for unsatisfied lust. You need to have sex with Conner before you come home."
He picks this exact moment to turn and smile at me. Wow.
"This is exactly why Glenn broke up with you," she adds. "He wants you to get some experience."
"Oh, I don't think so. He just wants me to kiss a couple of frogs so I won't have any doubt that he's my prince."
"Is that all he did, kiss a few bee-yatches?"
Conner waves me over. I shake my head. He says something to Chase, who smiles and heads in my direction. "You know too much for your own good," I tell Megan, looking for an end to the conversation.
"That's why you're asking for my advice."
"Yes, and I want more, but it will have to be later. I've been summoned."
I hang up just as my spectacular Tin Man extends his arm to help me navigate the bleachers. I think I hear the swim-groupie behind me sigh. "What does he want?" I ask, quietly.
"He wants you to meet the coach," Chase whispers back, teasing me. If the other groupies knew the Chase Tinsley I know, they'd really swoon.
"I've already met him," I say, louder.
"He wants you to meet the other coach."
Conner introduces me as his "friend," Thea, but I don't think we're fooling the grinning adults.
"This is Coach Peale," Conner tells me. "We met at State last year. He's in town this week, visiting family, and decided to stop by to see me."
This is a big deal. I know this because of Conner's eager tone.
"What school did you say you were recruiting for, Coach?" Conner asks.
Coach Peale grins and says, "Virginia Tech."
* * *
After practice, Conner leads me through the library to our private spot in the stairwell. We have a chair now, which doubles as a barricade for the door. I sit on his lap as usual, but his hand finds its way under my skirt in record time. Conner's fast on land and in the water.
"We've got. To stop," I say between kisses.
"Why?" he asks, not stopping to make his argument and holy crap, I can't come up with a single reason.
"So unfair. Sabotaging my. Defense system."
He moves his hand to my back. "I'll never do anything you don't want me to," he whispers against my lips. "But I'd like an answer to my question."
"We could get expelled," I say, because at this moment it's the easiest explanation.
"Then let's take this celebration to the penthouse."
I push against his chest, leaning back so I can see his triumphant smile. "What, exactly, are we celebrating?" I ask, but I have a pretty good idea.
"I win. You can explain away all the other coincidences, but you can't ignore this. It's a Jumbotron sign. Fate has a back-up plan."
I have to admit, my heart did some impressive acrobatics when the visiting swim coach said he was recruiting for Virginia Tech, college number one on my list. The thought of this boy's future intersecting the path of mine is thrilling—but it also scares the crap out of me.
We leave the school building arm in arm. We could go to the penthouse, to my white fluffy bed. Opportunity isn't an issue. Emily wouldn't notice if Conner moved into my bedroom.
When we reach Fifth Avenue, I pull him through the crosswalk and into Central Park. We find a flat rock and sit side by side. I'm a little shivery—mostly because of the chilled wind coming off the lake and the dampness seeping through my thin skirt. But also because I'm dreading this conversation.
"Are you going to answer my question now?" Conner asks, circling his thumb over the back of my hand.
I've admitted, both to myself and Conner, how much I want to be with him. What I haven't told him is that the intensity of this desire unnerves me. It took years for Glenn and I to get to that point in our relationship. But I was ready to go all the way with Conner the first time we kissed. Does that mean Megan's right about the lust thing?
"Uh-oh," he says. "You have that Thea's-going-to-run-away look on your face."
Well, that's appropriate, I guess.
"We could sit back to back," Conner says. "That's what my mom and I used to do when we had to talk about difficult things."
"Really? That's so sweet."
"Want to try it?"
"Yeah, okay."
Conner shifts himself around. I rest my back against his, take a breath and get the words out as fast as I can. "Glenn called. I didn't talk to him or anything but I know I need to. Because hearing his voice brought up all these feelings...memories. And my friend Megan keeps saying I need to get you out of my system before I go home. Like this thing between us isn't real. Not that I agree with her. I don't. But there is something about it—all the coincidences and the crazy intense attraction we have for each other—that makes it feel like a fantasy. It makes it hard for me to trust what I think I feel for you."
His shoulders shift against mine as he takes a breath and lets it out. "So you don't think your feelings for me are real."
"I don't have enough information to draw a conclusion. I need to talk to Glenn and maybe..."
Shit. I do not want to have this conversation.
"Maybe what?" Conner asks, impatient. Hurt.
"We never talk about what's going on with you and Paige."
He gets up and offers his hands to help me to my feet. "Because there's nothing to talk about," he says, eyes intense. "I have lunch with her two or three days a week and you know what that's like, boring as hell."
"What about early morning swim practice? Has Paige been timing you?"
"Yes, sometimes, but it's not what I want. I mean, it's good—like for her recovery but..." He runs a hand through his damp hair.
"You have feelings for her, Conner. I have feelings for Glenn. That doesn't just go away because we can't keep our hands off each other."
"My feelings have changed. I'm in love with you, Thea."
I get goose bumps everywhere. Even on my insides.
Glenn and I grew up together. And I guess we grew to love each other. But with Conner...yeah. With Conner things have definitely been different.
Is this what it feels like to fall in love?
But even if that's what this is, we still have obstacles. "Have you really thought this through?" I ask. "Like you and I going public. What will that do to Paige?"
"Nothing," he says, a little indignant. "Paige and I were still friends while I dated Jasmine."
"Yeah? Well. Maybe Paige's feelings for you have changed since then. Because the way she is now—pushing us together one moment, then freaking out when she thinks we've hooked up? That's not just friendship, Conner. It's way more complicated. Are you ready to risk whatever that is?"
He laughs, an incredulous huff of warm air that condenses into a little cloud as soon as it leaves his mouth. If I was on the farm, I'd be listening to crickets while I wait for his answer. Here, I count sirens: one, two, three...
"I don't know," he says. "I'm sorry. That's a horrible answer."
"Not to me. Because my feelings for Glenn are wrapped up in a plan I've had since I was twelve years old. I don't know if I can walk away from all of that. But I need to find out before this thing with us goes any further."