I wake up on the floor, my eyes nearly swollen shut and still sticky with the remnants of tears. I wipe away at them with the back of my hand, deciding this is a great way to start my day. My muscles are sore from laying on the hard floor all night, but it's ignorable with everything going on in my head.
I change into a pair of jeans, a T-shirt with blue, white, black, and gray stripes, and the corduroy jacket Olivia had brought me. Afterwards, I go to the bathroom to wash my face in an attempt to rid my skin of the splotchy, red smears covering my eyes. I run a hand through my brown, wavy hair before grabbing a hair tie and pulling it up into a ponytail. I tug a few stray pieces down in front of my ears to frame my face. Just the motions of changing and getting ready have made me feel more normal than I have in a long time, even after coming to Alexandria.
I walk downstairs, starving for food. Rick and Daryl are having breakfast. I tell them good morning before grabbing some oatmeal and sitting at the dinning room table with them. "Can you take me out today? Like you used to?" I ask Daryl. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I want to be out there again, no matter how many poor past experiences the world beyond these walls have given me. The experiences inside the walls haven't exactly been ideal, either. Besides, I'm itching for adventure, something that has been lacking inside of Alexandria, but is ever present in the wilderness.
Daryl shakes his head. "I have work today. I'm heading out with Aaron."
"Then can I come?"
"No."
"Please."
"No."
In the past, I've learned that I have quite the talent for swaying Daryl to be on my side. For having such a seemingly tough exterior, he does have a soft spot for the people he cares about. Those people are the same ones he makes exceptions for, but right now, that doesn't seem to be the case.
"Soon?"
"Maybe." The front door opens and Rosita comes in.
"Is Michonne still here?" she asks, somewhat concerned but trying to hide it.
"She's in her room." Rosita nods before walking off to find her.
"I wonder what that was about?" Rick questions, taking a sip of his coffee. Daryl shrugs as if nothing about that situation was to be of concern at all. A few minutes later, the two women come back into the front room. I'm surprised to see that Michonne hasn't changed into her uniform yet.
"We're going to look for Sasha," Michonne sighs seriously.
"What do you mean? She's missing?" I ask. Michonne nods.
"She was on watch all night. Now, we can't find her."
"Can I come with?" I ask. Daryl wasn't exactly in the position to take me out, but it's still worth a shot to ask Michonne. Plus, I'll be able to escape the walls for a bit while also helping in the efforts of finding Sasha.
"Ask Rick," Michonne replies.
I look to Rick who shrugs. "Ask Michonne."
"She can come," Rosita says, clearly meaning business. "Grab your knife and let's go." I leave my empty oatmeal bowl on the table as I run to my room and find my belt and knife, pulling it around my waist. I haven't worn it in quite a few days, so the weight feels wrong and unusual. The adjustment is quick, however, because I'm throwing my boots on and catching up with Michonne and Rosita outside just a moment later.
"Has anyone gone to check on Tara?" I ask, thinking of the missing girl that would surely have wanted to tag along with us.
Rosita nods. "I stopped by this morning. She's stable, but I want to go back later to check back up on her." That's relieving. What's upsetting is knowing that when she does come back into consciousness, she'll have no idea about everything that has happened while she was out. She won't even know about Noah and they were so close.
"Do you have any idea where Sasha might've gone?" Michonne inquires. Our pace is fast as we walk towards the gate.
"Like I said to you earlier, she spent the night in the tower and nobody's seen her."
"So you don't know?" I ask.
"Maybe, but I'm not sure."
"We'll go there first. Even the smallest lead is better than nothing," Michonne decides.
When we reach the gate, Abraham opens it to let us out, telling each of us to be careful. He gives Rosita a quick hug. I've always found their romance to be sweet. Once the doors squeal shut behind me, I realize that I'm finally outside of the walls for the first time in what feels like forever, but I'm not quite sure how to feel. On one hand, I'm elated because after some time, the walls began to get more suffocating than comforting. Getting out of my bedroom, the place where I've been more often than not, feels equally as nice. On the other hand, I've been out here long enough before to know exactly what kinds of dangers are right under our noses. Then again, I guess you have to have danger to feel security.
Rosita leads us into the woods just to the right of the community. We walk quietly, only exchanging a few words here and there. One thing that immediately strikes me as odd is the lack of walkers. There had been corpses lying in puddles of their own, fresh blood on the pavement as we were leaving Alexandria, so why are their no signs of the dead out here?
We cross a slightly grassy area before being submerged back into a grove of trees. The thick limbs and covering of leaves causes shadows to crawl against the forest floor. It's all ominous to me.
"It's up ahead," Rosita says.
"She told you about it?" Michonne follows up.
"I saw her going out one day with her rifle. I knew somebody was already in the tower. I asked." Rosita predicting that Sasha is here makes sense. I just don't understand why.
With everything that she lost after her brother had died, especially shortly after Bob, I can see her reasoning for the severe change in emotions. I feel bad. The worst thing is that I understand it all. I don't know how I manage to contain my emotions as well as I do. Sometimes, I know that's not the case.
A branch snaps and the three of us are sent into defensive positions. Rosita and I grab our knives and raise them while Michonne holds out her handgun. My eyes scan the tree line, waiting for something to emerge. I'm expecting a walker, or perhaps Sasha, but I don't even see the slightest glimpse of movement. Once Rosita and Michonne lower their weapons, I know I'm safe to do the same. We all begin forward again, going in the direction that Rosita had pointed out earlier.
"It's the first time I've been out since we've been here," Rosita comments.
"Me, too."
"Same," I say. I exhale, watching as my breath forms a cloud in the air that eventually blows into the breeze and dissolves. I'm assuming that's why we're all tense. Having not been out here everyday makes you desensitized to the hazards that we had constantly faced in the past.
"It already feels different." This comes from Michonne who exhales the words sharply.
"That's good," Rosita decides. The sound of walkers has begun to grow as we've proceeded forward which causes me to stay on alert.
"I don't know," Michonne sighs.
"After Eugene, after finding out he lied, I was screwed up because I lost something. You seem screwed up because we found something." I know that Rosita isn't talking to me, but as I trail a few paces behind the two, I understand what she's saying.
Michonne stops. "Noah's dead," she states. "And I think . . . I just feel like I was asleep in there." We start moving again.
"You were trying to forget so you could try," Rosita reminds her.
"I don't want to forget."
"So don't, but that doesn't mean you have to give up. You didn't bring your sword with you. That's not nothing." Michonne stops again. I hadn't realized that at first. After Michonne had nailed her katana above the mantle, it hasn't come down and I guess I just got used to it being up there. That's why I didn't question her not bringing it today. I didn't see anything missing.
Rosita keeps walking, so I follow beside her. "And you. You barely come out of your room anymore. I don't think I've seen you since I've moved into the new house. Do you want to forget?"
"No," I say, feeling annoyed that she had to point out my faults.
"I want you happy again. Whatever that takes, I'm willing to help."
"Are you happy here?"
"I'm trying to be." Rosita pauses, reconsidering the question for a minute. "I will be." With that, we pick up the pace again.
Besides the walkers that we had heard just moments ago, the first true sign of the dead that I've seen since we've come out here is the one laying face down on the pine needle floor. We all look around it, trying to examine what had happened.
"Got it in the back of the head," says Michonne, motioning to the fresh bullet wound in the back of its skull.
"Had to be her," mumbles Rosita.
"She's close. The bullet hole is fresh." Rosita nods as we look onwards.
I don't understand what Sasha is doing and what all this means, but it's certainly unusual. Anybody could tell that much about the situation. It's not until we stumble upon a second dead walker splayed across a log that something is definitely off. The blood from a wound drops towards the ground in thick, viscous strands that seem to sparkle when the sunlight hits them.
"Back of the head," Michonne notes. Rosita kneels to the ground and points her knife against the glass frame of a photo. I had been so focused on the walker that I hadn't seen it yet. More crimson is painted over the frame. "She's hunting them."
The realization hits me and I become instantly nervous. If she's hunting them, then she's not thinking straight and that surely means that Sasha is putting herself in danger.
We keep moving quietly, finally understanding the desperation of our mission. It isn't for a few more moments that Rosita points her finger at a figure moving through the tress that we know we've finally caught up to her. We start forward quickly as a silenced shot rings out.
"Sasha," Michonne calls as we wind up behind her. I watch the walker drop to the ground as Sasha lowers her gun.
"Go back," Sasha demands, not even willing to turn back and look at us. She starts shuffling forward, but the three of us follow.
"What are you doing?" Rosita questions.
"I'm sick of playing defense." I know how she's feeling because it seems like you're always falling into traps and unable to forgive yourself, but this isn't the way to do it.
"So you're just gonna take on all of them?"
"Yeah," Sasha grumbles as the sounds of the walkers ahead of us grow louder and louder. We pass a few more trees and I see the corpses shuffling through the gauntlet of trunks. Sasha pulls her bag off, dropping it to the ground as she charges forward. She raises her gun, aiming it, and firing at the walkers coming our way. I watch as the bodies stop moving, succumbing to the bullets and falling to the ground. I exchange a look with Rosita, not knowing what to do. All she does is shake her head as the number of the dead increases.
"We've got to get out of here," Rosita says above the noise.
"You do, I don't," Sasha responds, a near laugh in her voice. She raises her gun again, firing more shots, but even she can't take down all of them by herself.
Michonne holds up her gun, firing a shot. "I don't need you," Sasha sighs, but Michonne doesn't stop.
"This isn't for you." More shots ring out, but still, we need to keep fighting. Several unscathed walkers come towards Rosita and I.
"Rosita!" I shout, dragging her attention away from Michonne so she can push her blade into the walkers skull. Coming right at me is another. I reach up, jamming my knife into the soft head. Rosita runs forward, shoving one against a tree trunk and putting it down.
A frigid hand on my shoulder causes me to whip around. I kick my foot in the stomach of the monster pushing it a few paces back before getting a chance to stab it. As I pull the blade back from the wound, a spray of blood splashes my face. I turn around, looking for my next target.
Next thing I know, Sasha is letting out a shout and I turn to see her on the ground, a walker on top of her. Michonne saves her, shooting the walker in the head, ending the growling coming from the corpse's mouth.
I walk over to check on Sasha, finally feeling safer with the small herd out of the way. "I had it," Sasha says, panting heavily. "I don't need your help." She slaps away Michonne's hand and gets up herself. "I told you to go," she says once she is on her feet. Her eyes dart around to each of us.
"Sasha-" I begin, but she's already pointing her finger at Michonne's face.
"You, you can't do anything. It worked out for you. Don't you see that? You can't help me." Her voice cracks and I see the pain in her eyes. "Noah. I told him he wouldn't make it." I feel hurt for her. I feel the regret. She moves her lips to say something else, but just walks away instead.
Rosita walks after her, looking back at me. I follow, glad that Sasha is okay, but upset that she really isn't.
☾
We trek back to Alexandria, not saying a word the whole time. Sasha walks quickly ahead of Rosita and I while Michonne trails behind us. It reminds me of when we had been leaving the prison and Carl was walking quickly ahead of me and Rick, trying to get away. One day, just like the rest of us, she'll realize that she can't outrun her anger. Later, just like the rest of us, she'll forget all about it again because anger's vice-like grip on us is simply too strong.
"We should have dinner tonight," Rosita suggests. "Like maybe a picnic or something. If you want." I nod, liking the idea.
"That would be nice."
"So, are we going to make the food, or are we convincing Carol to?"
I put a finger to my lips as if in deep thought. "Hmmm. Definitely Carol." Rosita scoffs nodding along.
"Definitely Carol." I look back ahead of us, searching for Sasha.
"Where'd Sasha go?" I ask.
Rosita shrugs. "We're almost home. I'm guessing she just beat us." She's probably right in assuming that. I look back to see Michonne following behind us.
"Thanks for letting me come out today."
Rosita nods. "Of course." She looks down at me. "You said that you didn't want to forget. If that's the case, that means you'll have to remember. Remembering includes knowing how to do this, too. You have to remember how to protect yourself."
"I guess so."
The gates of Alexandria come into view as we step out of the woods and onto the road. I look to see the gate still cracked open, Abraham standing in the opening. Up in the tower, I see Sasha's head moving up the ladder. Just a moment later, she's positioned in the tower with her gun raised.
Michonne catches up with us and we all hurry back into Alexandria together. As soon as Abraham pulls the gate shut, I feel like I'm stuck again.
"I'll see you later? I'm going to stay on watch for a little bit, but then we can have our picnic," Rosita tells me.
"Okay. I'll go convince Carol to make us food," I laugh.
"It's probably better if you do it because she'll cave for you," Rosita smirks as I walk away. Michonne comes with me back towards our house. It can't be later than noon.
"I think I'm going to go change and do a bit of work," Michonne comments. "You good by yourself?"
"I'll be fine. I always am." Michonne smiles and puts an arm around my shoulder while we walk back to our house.
I feel a little better than I had when I woke up, but I still need to find clarity from last night's events. I feel like for now, it's something that can wait. I hope it can, at least.
When I get back inside I walk to the kitchen and grab a granola bar to eat. I sit on the countertop, knowing that if Rick was here he'd probably tell me to get down. Surprisingly, he's more strict than Michonne. Unsurprisingly, he's more strict than Daryl. When Michonne comes down after changing, she tells me goodbye, not making a comment about where I'm sitting, and leaves. I finish my snack and walk to the bathroom, getting a rag and wiping the crusted spots of blood from my cheek. It comes off surprisingly easily. I'm glad nothing got on my jacket because it's new and actually quite comfortable.
I decide to go to Carol's house to ask her about helping with the picnic plan Rosita and I had been formulating. I think about what I could ask Carol to make. I have no idea because there's obviously some restrictions as to what ingredients you can use these days, but I know she'll have a plan. She's so smart and resourceful.
I step outside and start towards her house. I don't get more than two steps off the porch before I hear the twinkling sound of glass breaking and falling to the ground. I jump, looking up to the road to see two people tussling on the road in front of Ron's house. I stop dead in my tracks, squinting to make out who the people are. Once I recognize the uniform, I about lose it.
"Rick!" I shout, trying to get his attention, but it's no use.
I take a few steps closer, trying to understand the full situation. Underneath Rick is Pete being beaten to a bloody pulp. I stand a few feet away, not knowing what to do. Carol comes up behind me, running out of her house and grabbing my arm. "What-" I can't even get the words out before she's talking over me.
"Stay back." I watch Jessie come down the stairs of their porch, standing there, sobbing helplessly. Sam comes running from his house towards us, nudging his way in between me and Carol to give her a hug. She wraps her arms around him rather than me. I take this opportunity to step forward.
I feel caught in a daze, not knowing what to do. I see Enid and Carl running towards the scene opposite of me. I exchange a glance with him, his face covered in both confusion and fear. Glenn has come running, Nicholas right behind him. Practically the whole community has gathered around the fight, exchanging words, but not knowing what to do.
Rosita comes running up beside me, breathless. "What's going on?" I can't speak. I can't even move to look at her.
From the corner of my eye, I see Jessie start sprinting towards her husband, her body still racking with tears. She wraps her arms around him trying to pull his body off of Rick, but he reaches up, striking her, ultimately causing her to fall backwards. This quick motion causes Rick to shove Pete underneath him. I see the streaks of blood shimmer in the sunlight as he moves.
I watch Pete's hands yearning for Rick, shoving themselves around his neck desperately. I don't think about it. I don't even consider it for a split second. Before I can recognize myself moving forward, I'm charging towards the two, grabbing Rick's arms. I know it's something I have to do, even though I don't want Rick to spare Pete for all the things he's done.
"Rick, get off!" I scream. I feel the tense muscles popping out of his skin underneath my fingertips. He ignores me for a second, but then frees his arm from my grasp, reaching his hand back and punching me in the cheek, causing my to fall onto my back, knocking the wind out of me. My elbows bump off the concrete as well. I know there'll be bruising there from the second of the impact.
"Emmie!" Rosita cries, rushing to my side to pull me up. I back into her arms as her fingers graze my cheek where the skin feels puffy and tender already. Rosita helps me back to my feet. "Are you okay."
"I'm fine," I say distantly, still watching the commotion as Deanna appears.
"Stop it! Stop it right now!" she orders, short-winded as she stops outside the ring that has seemingly formed around the match.
"You touch them again and I'll kill you," Rick mutters to Pete. I can barely hear the words.
"Damn it, Rick! I said stop," Deanna repeats loudly. I back into Rosita. She puts her arms around my shoulders pulling me close. I do the same to her, needing to feel the comfort she's emitting to slow my rapid heartbeat.
I don't see it coming. The people walking towards Rick don't see it coming, either, as they move in the direction of the two men because they're pulled up short with surprised faces and raised hands.
"Or what?" Rick asks, lifting a pistol. "You gonna kick me out?" From where I stand, the thick smears of blood on his face along with the grin growing on his lips makes him seem absolutely insane. If I didn't know better, I'd highly believe he might be.
"Put that gun down, Rick," Deanna says slowly. There's a brief moment where everyone can let out a breath or relief, but then he starts talking again.
"You still don't get it. None of you do! We know what needs to be done and we do it. We're the ones who live. You, you just sit and plan and hesitate. You pretend like you know when you don't."
Every one of his words seem true to me.
"You wish things weren't what they are. Well, you wanna live? You want this place to stay standing? Your way of doing things is done! Things don't get better because you . . . you want them to. Starting right now, we have to live in the real world. We have to control who lives here."
"That's never been more clear to me than it is right now," Deanna says warningly, her chin held high.
Rick looks back to her incredulously. "Me? Me? You . . . you mean . . . you mean me?" Rick laughs almost hysterically. "Your way is gonna destroy this place. It's gonna get people killed. It's already gotten people killed. And I'm not gonna stand by and just let it happen. If you don't fight, you die. I'm not just gonna stand by-"
I don't see Michonne coming at first. I jump slightly as Rick's body thumps to the pavement after the impact of Michonne's fist. She bends down, grabbing his gun before looking around at everyone else. It's the same gun he's not even supposed to have.
I glance up, my eyes catching Ron scuffling towards us slowly, his attention completely focused on his unconscious father on the ground. They linger there for a moment before darting up to stare at me. For just a second, his gaze is innocent, but just like that, it turns into a glare and he's turning in the other direction, taking off. At first, I'm confused, but then the pieces fall into place and the feeling of understanding drowns the pain of the bruise forming on my cheek.