MARCO
I lost count of what chapter we are... but this was not what I expected.
"You can let go now, my love."
Hindi ko nais bitawan ang mga salitang iyon ngunit wala akong magawa kung hindi sabihin iyon sa halip na makita siyang nagdurusa sa kama. Kumapit pa siya ng ilang oras... kaso bumitaw rin.
Twelve seventeen A.M. September seventeen. Ica died... On my birthday.
"Pwede na, Doc." Binuksan ni Gabby ang pinto ng mortuary para makapasok na ako.
I passed through the doors with my system still with coldness, knowing that when I get out of here, I'll be ripped into bits that can never be rebuilt.
For a brief moment, I came to a halt in my tracks to deal with the pain where Fred had shot me. I walked forward slowly, forcing my heart to be brave as I got closer to her and got to the point... where I took off the blanket that was covering her body.
There, I saw her once more close to me... yet so far away. Paler. Lifeless... Completely.
I held her hand so tight, hoping she'll feel my hold on her... My presence... Hoping she'll wake up. I always wish things in my life were real. Except for this. I hoped for this to only be a dream, and I'd wake up tomorrow with her by my side.
"Zy..." I whispered as I slowly fell on my knees, beginning to cry again as I realized this was reality.
Nakasandal lang ang noo ko sa kamay naming dalawa habang umiiyak. Hindi ko tanggap na wala na siya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko tatanggapin... Kung matatanggap ko ba itong pagbitaw niya sa 'kin. Kasi paano? Isang minuto kasama ko siya, tumatawa... tapos biglang ganito?
Of all the things I could lose... why does it have to be her?
Kinailangan na akong kunin ni Echo dahil ayaw kong umalis doon sa mortuary. I wanted to feel her even for a few more ticks of the clock because I knew I could never do it again. That was the last time I got to hold her in my arms.
Pagkatapak ko palang sa labas, napasuntok ako sa dingding bago napaluhod. My hands were on the floor. I tried to hold back bitter tears and bit my lip until I could taste the metallic taste of blood... But my cries escaped and my tears fell directly on the floor.
I couldn't breathe and had to endure the clenching pain in my chest. I hoped that as I let out my sadness, the pain would subside, but it didn't. It hurt. Twice more than it already was.
She really has a habit of hurting me... even when she's gone.
I knew... I knew someday I'd lose her. I knew that too clearly, but I kept thinking she'd always come back to me. I couldn't hope for that anymore, could I?
"Sumandal ka lang sa 'kin," Echo whispered in a comforting tone, tapping my back.
"Sabi niya walang mangyayaring masama," nahihirapang bulong ko. "Nangako siya na hindi niya ako iiwan... Pero hindi niya tinupad. Nangako siyang pakakasalan niya pa ako... Nangako siya... pero nasaan siya?"
Had I known that everything would come to an end, I would've forgiven her the moment we saw one another again. I wouldn't have put my pride first and thrown sarcastic remarks whenever we bumped into each other anywhere and spilled coffee. I wouldn't have asked for time to build my trust... I wouldn't have taken things slow.
I could've showered her with my affection. I could've slow-danced more with her along to her playlist. I could've spent each passing day watching the sunrise with her, making memories with her, and seeing her smile appear because of the silly things I do. I could've given her more drinks, more dates, more of her favorite lavender roses.
I could've made the most of our time together... I could've gone to the ends with her, as what our beautiful promise translates.
If only I could go back to our beginning, I would, so I could treasure her better... Love her deeper, and will not let her slip from me. For the first time or second. We wouldn't have to have our ending.
If only I knew... but it's too late now.
My tears had ran dry and my heart felt so hollow I had no motivation to do anything. Ayaw kong bumangon. Ayaw kong kumain. Ayaw kong magtrabaho. Naroon lang ako sa loob ng kwarto, nagmumokmok.
Her presence could still be felt in our room. I could still smell her in our bedsheets and pillowcases, so I hugged them close and closed my eyes, thinking she was still lying next to me. She was here with me... before she wasn't.
"Nak, kain na." Kumatok si Mama pero hindi ako gumawa ng tunog.
Narito sila sa unit tumutuloy kasi hindi ko kayang bantayan si Aqeila. Wala ako sa ulirat. Iyong mga papeles ni Ica, si Alonzo ang umasikaso dahil hindi ko kayang gawin. Para rin akong namatay.
"Nahimatay raw papa ni Ica, nak, sa burol dahil sa kakaiyak kaya inuwi siya kaagad," balita ni Mama sunod araw. I was still in the same position I was yesterday.
First day of her burial... I didn't go. I cannot go. I cannot stand seeing her inside a coffin and only being able to catch a glimpse of her through the glass.
"Hey, it's Manu. I have something to give you." He knocked but I didn't open the door. "It's from Ica. She told me to give it to you when she's... away. I think it's important."
Mabilis akong naglakad papuntang pintuan. I licked my lower lip when I felt so dehydrated. Binigyan niya ako ng isang paper bag, probably food. May nilapag rin siya sa kamay ko na flash drive.
"Salamat." My voice was so hoarse I almost couldn't hear it.
Tinapik niya ang balikat ko bago umalis, alam na ayaw kong may kausap. Hindi ko kinain ang dala niya at inunang tingnan ang laman ng flash drive. I covered my mouth using the back of my hand when I saw a file with my name and then when I pressed it... it was a video.
"Babe, hi! I mean, babe ba? Pwede ba iyon? Hindi naman tayo ulit..." Natatawang kumamot siya sa ulo niya, naiilang.
Dire-diretsong tumulo ang luha ko kahit na ilang salita palang ang sinabi niya. It was a video filmed before we were okay. I knew because of the date. It contained a message for me with apologies and confession of her love for me. Nasabi na niya sa akin iyong mga iyon.
Matagal na pala siyang handang iwan ako.
Second, third, fourth day of her burial... I still didn't go. Binibisita ako ng mga kaibigan ko para siguraduhing maayos ang lagay ko pero hindi ko sila pinagbubuksan ng pinto. Despite, they still visit daily and bring food.
"Da," rinig ko ang malambing na boses ni Aqeila sa labas ng pinto. "Open... door for Kie."
Napakurap-kurap ako habang nakatitig sa ceiling. Kinulit niya ako sa dami ng katok niya. I slowly got up from the bed and did what she asked. She was there, sitting on the floor in her pajamas as she sipped on a box of milk with tired eyes.
"Carry!" She raised both her hands to me but I knelt down to her level.
"Nakakasalita ka na ulit..." I couldn't believe it and laughed a little. She looked at me, puzzled. As I stared at her face, a small painful smile formed on my lips, and a kicking sensation stomped on my chest, as if the heavens had fallen on my shoulders with such sorrow.
She looked like Ica. A lot. I have a reminder of her, which I'm thankful for. Our baby.
She crawled on my lap when she noticed I have no plans on carrying her. "I missed you, Da..." Pronouncing the words were still quiet hard for her. "Sleepy Kie."
Sinilip ko siya at nakitang pumikit siya habang niyayakap ako, binabaliwala ang box na hawak niya. Nakita ko si Ares na nakasandal sa railing ng hagdan.
"Noong isang araw pa siya nakakasalita," balita niya, nakangiti. "Kanina pa iyan inaantok pero gustong ikaw magpatulog sa kaniya. Umiyak na nga kaya dinala ko na lang dito sa taas. Sorry. Alam ko naman gusto mong mapag-isa."
Sinuklian ko siya ng tipid na ngiti bago sinilip si Kie. Ang himbing na agad ng tulog niya sa dibdib ko, mukhang kanina pa talaga inaantok. Napahinga ako nang malalim.
Bakit ko ba nakalimutan na may nakasandal sa 'kin? Even when it's hard for me and I just want to sulk all day long, I shouldn't. I couldn't be weak. I needed to stay strong for my daughter. I have to keep going for her. Ica won't be happy to know about this.
"I love you. Sleep tight." I kissed Kie's cheek when I placed her on the bed.
Sinubukan kong kumain ng hinandang pagkain ni Mama sa 'kin. Ilang subo lang ang kinaya ko at napagdesisyonan na lang uminom ng gatas para makatulog. I also drank lots of water before going back to the room.
Naupo ako sa tapat ng vanity table. Naroon pa rin lahat ng gamit ni Ica. Pinakialaman ko ang mga iyon. Kung nandito iyon, nasampal na ako noon dahil ayaw niya kapag ginugulo ko ang gamit niya. Akala mo naman hindi siya makalat.
I saw a small flash drive with my name on one of her jewelry box. Hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na kunin iyon at isaksak sa laptop ko. Alam ko... Alam ko na kaagad ang laman noon.
Hindi pa rin pala ubos ang luha ko. It... was a recent video. Naalala ko pa iyon. Iyong sa guest room... 'To pala ang ginawa niya?
"Please leave lavender roses on top of my coffin before I finally part ways with you. I may be gone, but my love for you will live on... in every universe, in every lifetime." She smiled beautifully with pain. "I'll watch you from above. I will never not love you, my Beau."
Noong libing na niya... pumunta na ako. Lavender roses. I have to give her that. I want to give her that.
Kie wore a black dress with a light lavender headband. I dressed myself in all black, wearing the watch she gave me and my ring. The wedding ring we were both supposed to have... but only mine to keep.
I was shocked to see Ica's family stride in the cemetery the same time I did, with poker faces on. Nakilala ko kaagad ang nanay niya dahil kamukha niya 'to. Ang mga kapatid niya naman ay diretsong naupo at nag-cellphone, hindi interesadong makilamay.
Napaawang ang labi ko, hindi-makapaniwala. Wala... Wala talaga silang pakialam? Nawalan sila ng kapatid... pero baliwala lang sa kanila?
"Condolence." Lumapit ang nanay ni Ica sa 'kin, nakataas ang isang kilay.
Hindi ako nagsalita pero hindi rin ako umalis sa tapat niya. Seryosong tininingnan ko lang siya. A sudden wave of anger began growing inside me when there was no inch of mourning on her face. I bit my tongue to avoid speaking. Sobrang pagod pa naman ako. I won't regret bad-mouthing her straight to the face. I didn't want that. Ica won't be proud.
"Quin." Sasy immediately gave me a side hug when she saw me. I hugged her back. "Pinadalhan kita kanina ng food. Kinain mo ba?" she asked, hopeful.
"Oo. Salamat." I gave her a sincere smile.
"Iyong halo-halo ko, bro. Kinain mo rin?" Inakbayan ako ni Echo at tinapik ang gilid ng mukha ko.
I chuckled tiredly. "Hindi. Sino'ng maghahalo-halo sa umaga? Nilagay ko sa ref."
"You finally came." Alonzo tried to smile, tapping my shoulder. His eyes were bloodshot. Good to know one sibling cared for Ica.
"Yeah... I have to." I have to see her one last time before I couldn't at all.
"Hello, Marco," bati ni Paige pagkakita sa akin. Nagpaalam sila Echo sa akin. "Libing na. Akala ko 'di ka pupunta."
"Tabi. Tabi... Hindi ako naniniwala." Mabilis na tinulak ako ni Sab para makadaan at dumiretso sa kabaong ni Ica. Natulala siya saglit habang nakatitig doon... hanggang sa niyakap niya ang kabaong at nagsimulang umiyak nang tahimik. Pinuntahan kagad siya ni Dustin at Paige.
"Like you, it's the first time she came. She's in-denial," Zion told me. He looked so angry, like he couldn't accept what happened.
Death favored her. Nobody was prepared to accept it, even though we all knew she could leave us at any time of day because she loved her job so much. It was something she wouldn't give up easily. Kaya nga hindi niya matanggap 'yong pagbagsak niya sa unang BAR take dahil pinakamalaking pangarap niya iyon. She has such passion for it. Prosecution. Service. Justice.
Kinailangan kong iiwas ang mga mata kay Sab dahil hindi ko kayang panuorin siyang lumuhod na roon. I saw Cali walking towards me. Esme and Alex were both giving coffee and biscuits to the people while waiting for the ceremony to start.
"Maki, sorry I wasn't able to visit you. I... didn't know how to approach you and I can't process that this had happen. I cannot believe she's gone like that," nahihirapang sabi ni Cali, halatang matagal nang umiiyak dahil sobrang mugto ang mga mata. "I'm really sorry."
Mabilis ko siyang niyakap. "Walang problema iyon. Tahan na, Cal."
She sobbed louder. I tried calming her down but she had a weak system and broke down on my arms that Manu needed to take her to the side and do a breathing exercise.
Kie tugged my hand before pointing at the picture stand of Ica. Ica had a lot of pictures in our house, so she probably thought it was just one of them, with no meaning attached. Pumalakpak pa nga siya sa tuwa habang nakatitig pa rin sa magandang litrato ng mama niya. Sabagay, hindi niya pa alam ang nangyari.
Maiintindihan kaya niya ako kapag sinabi kong wala na si Ica? Is she going to cry? Is she going to throw a tantrum? Be angry at me? Hindi ko maisip... at ayaw kong isipin kaso kailangan kong sabihin sa kaniya.
"Do you want to see Momma?" When she gave me a happy nod, I heaved a deep breath and said, "Okay."
Kita ko ang pagkakatigil ng mga kaibigan ko habang maingat na pinapanuod ang paglakad ko. Nginitian ko sila para sabihing kaya ko. Kakayanin ko. Kailangan ko siyang makita sa huling sandali... Sa huling oras niya rito.
"Iyan si Momma..." I told Kie softly when we stopped in front of the coffin.
Lying there in a white long-sleeved dress with a ribbon in front, my Zychela still looked so beautiful as she was. Very lovely.
She died nowhere peacefully... But did her heart feel at peace on the last beat of it? Now that she's gone, she can't feel pain anymore, right? She finally escaped something she'd been trapped with for a long time.
Did she yearn to be saved by me? Did she want to stay? Still be with me? Did she call out my name for help? Did... my voice reach her ears before she faded? If she did, then she heard my last words... but I'll never hear hers.
"Ma," Venice uttered slowly, almost in hushed tones. Her gaze was fixed on her mommy. I stroked her back to get her attention, but she just stared at Ica.
"Venice... Kie, your momma..." Nangangapa ako ng salita. "Momma... Momma is gone," I dropped the news to her in a shaky voice, with a heavy heart.
Her eyebrows knitted, confused as she pointed at Ica. "Sleeping."
Nanginig ang labi ko sa bigat nang naramdaman. "Yes. Momma is sleeping. She will sleep for a long time... She will rest now... She will not be with us..." I said slowly so she'd understand, my tears pouring.
Nagulat ako nang pinunasan ang mga pisngi ko gamit ang maliit niyang kamay, nakangiti. "Don't cry," she told me.
"Okay." Mahina akong tumawa para alam niyang susundin ko siya. "I'm sorry."
"It's... okay." She then turned again to peek at Ica. "Pretty, Momma."
"Yes, very..." Hinaplos ko ang buhok niya at tinulak palikod ng balikat niya, nakangiti nang taimtim sa kaniya. "Momma won't be at home anymore, okay? Momma..." Hindi ko alam ano pa ang idadagdag na eksplenasyon.
Tito Lio, Alonzo, Sab, and Paige were the only ones who gave short eulogy. Kasali dapat ako pero tumanggi ako dahil paniguradong walang salitang lalabas sa bibig ko. Hindi naman nila ako pinilit.
"See you next lifetime." I kissed the lavender rose for a brief moment with my eyes shut tightly. "I will never stop loving you, my love," I whispered as I tossed the rose into her coffin, hoping my kiss would somehow reach her.
To end the day, we let go of white and lavender balloons up into the sky, as the rain started to pour down towards the grass. Rain. It was acquainted to us. The sound was thereupathic.
"Momma... Happy?" Kie asked in a small voice, starting to cry.
"Momma, happy." It was almost a whisper.
"Kie also happy..." Tumango siya at napanguso, pinipigilan ang luha na tumulo pero hindi niya nakayanan at niyakap niya ako. "Momma, happy..." Her voice cracked a little before she could finish her last word, her shoulders shaking.
And it's back. The heaviness of my heart as I hear my little girl cry.
Agad kong hinagod ang likod niya. Inupo ko siya sa bangko at lumuhod ulit sa tapat niya, nakahawak sa magkabilang pisngi niya. I wiped her tears gently with both my thumbs and gave her an assuring smile. Assuring her I'm here for her. Assuring her everything will fall into place one day.
"We're okay," I reminded her, pushing her hair aside because it stuck on her wet cheeks.
Mabilis siyang tumango, tila naiintindihan ako ng buo. "We're okay," ulit niya sa sinabi ko at niyakap ako.
We're going to be okay. We will always be okay. For her.
"Happy birthday, my love! Tanda ka na!"
"Momma, it's Christmas today! Merry Christmas! I love you!"
"Happy new year in heaven!"
"Hello, Ma! It's my birthday today! Kie's five! Dada bought me strawberry cupcakes!"
"Happy anniversary, bubby... Mahal na mahal kita."
All important events, Kie and I were there in the cemetery spending it with her. Gusto ko sana siyang ipalipat sa Ahora para mabisita ko siya araw-araw dahil tumigil na ako sa pagtatrabaho at doon nagpapahinga. Hindi ko pa kayang gumawa ng ibang bagay maliban sa damahin ang nararamdamang haplos ng sakit sa dibdib ko kada segundo ng araw.
"Happy death anniversary, baby..." A painful smile formed on my lips as I said those words.
"Momma, it's also Dada's birthday today!" Kie shrieked as she placed the bouquet of lavender roses on Ica's grave. Padabog siyang naupo sa damo, slouching tiredly with frown. "Momma, I'm back in kindergarten in the island. My classmates are bad!" sumbong niya kaagad, nakakrus ang braso sa harap ng dibdib.
Natawa ako nang kaunti. Nilatag ko ang dala naming banig para roon siya maupo. Hindi siya lumipat kaya binuhat ko siya at nilapag doon.
"I don't want to go to school, Ma! I only want to stay at home with Dada and make drinks and eat lots of popcorn! We also watch movies every night! Dada said all the movies are your favorite. I love it. It's nice, but I like cartoons better! And also Momma, Dada took me surfing! I can surf small waters, Ma! Yehey!" masayang kwento ni Kie.
"Small waves, baby," I corrected calmly, preventing a laugh.
Hindi niya ako pinansin at nagpatuloy lang sa pagdaldal. Umiling na lang ako habang nilalabas ang mga Tupperware. Niluto ko ang mga paborito ni Ica. I took the three disposable cups of blueberry shake. Nilapag ko ang isa sa tabi ng bulaklak sa lapida. I gave the other one to Kie. The other was mine.
Tranquil. It was all I felt as I sit there and feed Kie some pasta. She was still blabbering to her mom as she chewed kaya naubo-ubo na siya, nabilaukan pero tumawa lang, finding herself silly. Mabilis ko siyang pinainom ng tubig.
Like what she always do, she hugged me and rested her left cheek on my right one, giggling cutely before trying to blow a raspberry but didn't succeed so she kept on repeating it. Natalsikan pa ako ng laway niya.
For the first time since Ica left, a laugh filled with genuine happiness escaped from my mouth. It made my heart feel light to watch her.
"Kalat ka, nak, ha! Kulit!" I pinched her cheek before wiping my face, making her giggle again. My cute daughter.
"I love you, Da!" She kissed my cheek before lying down the handwoven mat, looking up the sky and admiring the clouds.
"I love you, angel." I kissed her forehead.
Sinundo siya ni Cali dahil may aattendan silang museum event. Interesado kasi si Kie sa arts. Nanatili lang ako roon sa sementeryo, nakatitig sa lapida.
"Not a day goes by that I forget you. I miss you so much," I whispered along the wind, brushing my fingertips on top of her name.
Zychela Lalique V. Marquez. We didn't even have the fairytale wedding she dreamt to have. I promised to give it to her. I already had my vows. For a long time now.
Kinuha ko ang maliit kong notebook sa loob ng bag. Naroon ang vow. But on the first flip of the page, I saw her reminders for me. I wrote it there to not forget.
'One, don't shed a tear.
Two, keep moving forward.
Three, keep smiling.
Four, allow yourself to feel all emotions.'
Kaya kong tuparin iyon... kaso hindi pa ngayon.
I remind myself daily that I could do it... That I had healed and accepted her passing fully... but that would be a lie. I still look back. I am not moving forward. Yet.
I know she told me to not look back on our yesterdays. I, myself, don't want to stay there, but it's difficult to put my focus on my tomorrows and every day after because, at some point, I am still actually living in yesterday. It was all I had.
Umalis na siya... pero ako narito pa rin sa unang pahina kung saan kami nagsimulang dalawa.
It's only been a year... I didn't have to rush my healing.
And how can I move forward when each night her beautiful face appears in my dreams? The remnants of her voice haunt me like a phantom in my dreams... and I loved it. It was the only way I could hear her voice and laugh—even if I couldn't feel her in my arms.
Panaginip. Hanggang doon na lang kami.
"Gusto mo marinig ang vow ko, mahal?" I let out a small laugh, darting my eyes at my notebook as I weighed how my heart was feeling.
My love, honestly, the beginning of our story wasn't ideal. It wasn't the sweet meeting where you tripped with books in your hand and I helped you pick them up and our eyes locked and then I knew you were the one. It wasn't that. It wasn't the love at first sight type.
It wasn't conventional. It was a slow romance... And it's ours.
May mga panahon na inakala kong kaibigan lang kita kasi 'di naman kita type... kaso naging ka-ibigan sa huli. Hindi ko inaasahan, at hindi ko piniling mahulog sa pagmamahal mo... pero ngayon, pipiliin ko nang paulit-ulit dahil... corny ito pakinggan, pagtatawanan mo ako at araw-araw mo akong aasaranin nito pero... kung hindi ikaw sa buhay na 'to, hindi ko nakikita ang sarili kong magiging masaya.
I felt like drowning in your love... But sometimes I think drown is such a melancholic word to use. Because drowning isn't good. You drown until you reach rock bottom. It's holding your breath for a long time, trying to swim back up and live... Barely surviving when we're supposed to be living, right?
But then... Not everyone who drowns drowns completely. Sometimes you just need to be saved by someone. In this case, it's you, my Ica, who saved me from the emotions I thought would be my end. While I was drowning, you were swimming away from me... But you came back and brought me to the shore with you. You'll always be my savior, and I hope to be yours. In this ocean of life, you wouldn't swim alone again. Ever. You have me.
Life with you has never been easy... but I wouldn't choose it to be easy if it's not with you.
All your flaws, all of you... I accept you with all my heart. Despite and in spite, my love will remain the same way it was yesterday. This, I'm certain of.
If there's one thing I'll keep, it's not secrets, but promises to you. On this day, I promise to hold your hand when everything falls over. I promise to share all I have with you. I promise to never make you doubt yourself, to communicate with you, to never make you feel alone... to make you smile each day.
I promise to go to the ends for you... I promise to give you love and love you well until the last breath I take... Until the end of our time.
Hindi maganda ang simula natin... lalo naman ang gitna... pero sinong mag-aakalang maganda ang magiging dulo? Magkasama at makakamit ang habangbuhay na pinangarap. Dumaong tayo sa napakagandang wakas ng istorya tinatawag kong... Ikaw at ako. Tayo.
"Habang buhay kitang hihintayin, mahal ko," dagdag ko nang natapos basahin ang maikling vow ko sa kaniya.
Turns out, our ending wasn't good.
Each day, I tried to win my battles until the day came when, with a light heart... I was willing to move forward. The pain and fear will always be present, but they no longer taint my heart the same way they did before.
Life is ugly. It's filled with pain, and you just have to know how to cope. Savor what you truly feel. Don't escape. Let it hurt until it hurts no more. And then you'll just see yourself breathing again.
I listed all the things I remembered Ica and I had planned together, and did all of it. One last was the house we planned to have in the city. Napagusapan naman na namin noon ang disenyong gusto niya kaya iyon ang pinagawa ko.
Manu was the architect, Kai was the engineer, and Cali was the designer. Nariyan sila palagi para sa akin.
After a while, our house has been done. Lahat ng gamit na nakalagay sa online shopping cart niya, binili ko at inayos sa mga lugar na alam ko roon niya ilalagay. Sa sala, mayroon isang mahabang lamesa na may maraming picture frames namin. Iyong mga polaroid namin sa Bataan, beach, friends' weddings... Lahat naroon. Ayaw ko siyang masyadong ma-miss.
"I hope I got everything right, my love. I hope you love it up there." I licked my lower lip, a smile slowly stretching on my lips as I caressed my wedding ring.
Umuwi ulit kami ni Kie sa Ahora bago magbagong taon. Sinalubong kami ni Ares sa kotse para tulungan akong kunin ang mga maleta.
"Oy! May regalo ka diyan," imporma ko.
"Ayos! Nice ka, Kuya!" Binangga niya ang balikat sa 'kin, masaya.
Pinatawad ko na siya. Hindi ko maatim na magalit sa kaniya tuwing naiisip ko na baka isang araw, mawala rin siya bigla at wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi magtanim ng galit. Kasi anong mapapala ko, 'di ba? Sa huli, ako rin ang magsisisi dahil nagmatigas ako.
I learned to truly cherish each second I have with everybody in my life because I never know when it will be the last. Ica was right. Indeed, nothing is certain.
Habang naghihintay sa mga kaibigan kong dumating para sa new year dinner, natulala na naman ako habang nakaupo sa buhagin, pinapanuod ang mabituing langit.
"Are you watching me? Are you proud of me?" I whispered my questions, sighing. "It really won't be easy to forget our yesterday, my love... But I promise you I'll keep moving forward, move to our tomorrows and everyday after... as you wished."
"Maki!" Naputol ang emote ko nang narinig ang boses ni Cali. Nakangiti siya nang malapad pagkababa ng sasakyan nila, may hawak na malaking canvas.
"Oy! Ano iyan?" Tumayo kaagad ako at pinagpagan ang buhangin bago ko iyon kinuha sa kaniya dahil mukhang mabigat. Hindi na nga siya nakakalakad nang maayos.
"Happy new year!" She smiled brightly. "Kyel and I painted a family portrait for you! It's our gift! I hope you like it!"
Binaba ko ang mga mata sa canvas na hawak at napaawang ang labi sa ganda ng pagkakapinta nila. Right blend of colors and each stroke were full of emotions. It looked so real.
"Salamat," manghang sabi ko at binaba ang canvas saglit para yakapin siya nang mahigpit. Lumabas si Manu ng kotse at yayakapin ko rin sana kaso hinarang niya ang isang kamay sa mukha ko.
"Cheesy. No hugs," pabirong sabi niya pero wala siyang nagawa dahil niyakap ko pa rin siya. He chuckled and tapped my back. "Happy new year, bro."
Nagbatian kaming lahat ng happy new year kahit na mamaya pa naman iyon. Tapos tumayo ako roon sa may pintuan, pinapanuod silang maghanda ng mga pagkain at inumin. Naghahabulan ang mga bata sa garden habang may mga lusis, lahat humahagikgik maliban kay Alas na naiirita dahil hinihila siya ni Tala at Kie. They all grew up too fast.
"Venice, be careful!" Natakot ako dahil ang lapit sa mukha niya ang paubos na lusis.
"Pasaway." Alex immediately got it from her. Nanermon pa siya pero nagpa-cute lang si Kie, alam na bibigay rin ang paboritong Tito niya.
"Marquenzo, tol!" Inakbayan ako ni Raya habang nginangangat niya ang ice cream cone.
"Ano iyon, tol? Angas, ah." Tinaboy ko siya gamit ang kamay ko. "Shoo." Inirapan niya ako at binatukan kaya bahagya akong natawa. Brutal hanggang ngayon!
"Okay ka lang?" She smiled at me warmly. Tumango ako. Totoo iyon. "Puso?" She tapped my chest lightly with her left hand.
"Forever in love with her," I smoothly replied, smiling back. Tanggap ko na na wala na siya sa piling ko pero hinding-hindi ko siya aalisin sa puso ko. I don't want to love again. My love is all hers.
Napamura ako nang nakaramdam ng madaming brasong bumalot sa akin. Sila Cali, Sasy, Esme, at Echo pala. Napahiyaw ako, nabibigatan sa kanila. Hindi nakinig ang mga kupal na 'to. They just squeezed me tighter and tighter... until we all looked at each other and bursted out laughing, having such connection.
"Ew, 'di nga pala tayo nagyayakapan!" maarteng sabi ni Sasy at naunang bumitaw.
"True that, sister!" Esme laughed, letting go too.
Napaismid si Raya. "Walang nakakita noon. Bulag tayong lahat!"
Cali and Echo remained hugging me. Hinalikan ako bigla ni Echo sa pisngi, nang-aasar. Muntikan ko na siyang masapak pero nakaharang si Cali.
"Hayop ka. Tangina mo." Minura ko na lang siya.
"I'm out of this bromance!" Cali quickly took a step back and hugged Esme instead.
"Gago! Na-miss ko iyang pagmura mo sa 'kin!" Napasinghap si Echo nang sobrang madrama bago ako tinuro, mukhang tanga. Tumalon pa siya sa akin at kumapit na parang unggoy kaya muntikan na kaming matumba. "Hayop ka ring ungas ka!" Paulit-ulit niya akong binatukan.
Nagiwan kami ng dalawang bakanteng upuan sa hapag bago kumain. Kito and Ica. We even reminisce on the days they were still here. I felt heaven in my heart hearing stories that involved them. Masyado silang importante sa 'kin. Sayang at hindi sila kailan man nagkakilala.
"You feeling better?" Kai asked, smiling at me.
"Oo," I admitted. "Lumisan siya dahil hanggang sa huli, pinaglaban niya ang tama. Pangarap niya iyon kahit noong mga panahon na walang naniniwala sa maabot niya iyon. She won the last case she had... And that's enough for me to think she probably was happy when she left because she served her purpose... I'm very proud of her."
"Ica's definitely proud of you too." He ruffled my hair. Pabirong sinamaan ko siya ng tingin bago sinuntok sa dibdib dahil hindi ako sanay sa kabaitan niya!
Alex nodded. "Definitely, dude. We're also very proud of how far you've come now," he said sincerely.
Sobrang daming pictures ang kinuha namin. The men, partners, with our kids. When me and my friends took a picture, we left a space for Kito. When the women took a picture, they were holding Ica's picture.
"See you in my memory!" Cali shouted excitedly.
Nagbigayan kami ng regalo, nagkantahan, nag-asaran. It was a night filled with laughs and pure happiness.
"Dada!" Boses at katok ni Kie ang bumulabog sa akin sunod araw sa kwarto. "Dada ko! Da! Oh my gosh! Are you there?! Open up! Dada!"
"Oy, nandito ako." Bumangon ako sa kama at binuksan ang pinto, inaantok. Lumiwanag kaagad ang mukha niya at tumalon-talon on the spot. "Oh, ano iyon? Maghunos-dili ka nga diyan!" Nilagay ko ang isang kamay sa ulo niya para tumigil siya, tumatawa.
"Huh?" nagtakang tanong niya. Hindi pa rin talaga 'to masyadong makaintindi ng Filipino. She shrugged and pulled me down. "Dada!" sumigaw siya malapit sa tainga ko kaya nagulat ako.
"What is it? Ang hyper mo! Ang aga pa! Nag-chocolate ka kagabi, 'no?" Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata.
"Nothing. Just good morning. I love you," she said sweetly.
A smile made its way to my lips. "Good morning. I love you more, Kie."
"Surfing please!" May kailangan naman pala sa 'kin!
Mabilis akong nagpalit ng damit at lumabas. Buhat-buhat ko ang dalawang board sa kamay ko habang naglalakad kami papuntang dagat. Nakakapit siya sa shorts ko, kumakaway sa lola niyang nagwawalis sa labas ng bahay.
"Momma happy, right?" Tumuro siya sa langit habang sinusuotan ko siya ng leash sa paa. Palagi niyang tanong iyan.
"Momma's very happy," I assured.
Kie smiled. "We're okay."
I returned her smile. "We are okay."
Pagkalapag ko ng board sa dagat, maingat siyang sumampa roon. My little girl paddled alone. I felt proud when she could move on her own. Dumiretso siya sa baby waves nang nakita si Azi at ang mga Tita niya. Meanwhile, I rode the wild tides on the other side of the sea like there's no tomorrow.
Tomorrow. I was really moving forward. For my daughter. For the people who loves me. For the person I love most... Zychela.
It's not okay to think that when I'll flip the next page of my book, she won't be there, written among the lines of a painful yet enthralling story of us... but I will accept it.
Naupo ako sa surfboard at tumingin sa kalangitan nang may matamis na ngiti sa labi. Hiniling ko na sana nakatingin siya sa 'kin.
"I'll see you on the other side one day," bulong ko.
I don't believe in lifetimes but because of her, I hoped for it to be real. I will choose her in each and every one of it that I live.
I want to meet her there so I can be in the position where I can love her... and she'll love me... The way it was... The way we were. Maybe next time... it will be ours to keep.
Someday, at some life.
"Habangbuhay kitang mamahalin, Zy," bulong ko bago sinakyan ang isa pang alon.
Sinubukan naman naming dalawa labanan ang mga alon na pilit kaming nilulunod... pero isa lang sa amin ang nagtagumpay.
I am Marquenzo. A survivor of wild tides... but not of wild love.
Our promised tomorrows may not have come today, but my love will remain just as it was yesterday.
I will go to the ends for her... now and forever.
-END-