(Trigger warning: panic attack)
-There is a thin line between love and hate-
Eliyas
*Punch* *Slam* *Punch*
The punching bag shook.
With sweat gathered on his forehead, Eliyas kept on digging his fist deep into the dusty texture of the punching bag. His every punch was followed by a growl, a frustrated bark. The emotions running in his mind were driving him mad. He needed control.
Breathe...calmness...
He needed to gain control again. He strived on the sensation of control, but his tense nerves just weren't cooperating today; so out of control, so wild and intense. It had been three days since Nabeel had finally been discharged from the hospital, three days and a night since Sila had dared to fight back.
The blazing fury in her eyes, the cutting madness and fury...Memories were making his nostrils expand while taking heated breaths. He needed control. He needed to calm down the rage and frustration inside him.
Saud still hadn't shown up at their flat. That man hadn't been picking up calls, and Eliyas didn't know whether to drag him out from his hideout and let go of that man. Noreen loved Saud. It was disappointing thinking how careless Saud had been. Such a blunder, and now that coward was hiding somewhere.
Pity.
Feeling agitated, he threw another punch in the direction of the bag. His exercising tools had been placed right in the middle of Saud's room, and it was giving him a slight sense of satisfaction seeing how he had thrown out all of Saud's things.
Partial refund received-so much more to take back!
Knuckles clenching and tightening, with hardly any sun rays pouring into the room because of the drapes, Eliyas finally stopped to sit down and drink water from his water bottle. He had been keeping water near because of his nerves. He just couldn't keep himself calm.
He needed control. control...deep breaths in and out...
After a quick gulp of water, he placed his elbows on his knees and hung his head low. The room hardly had any lights on. It was too silent, too dark and just too provoking. It reminded him of days when he used to live in a place more smelly and vacant than this.
He had a wife that had wanted more, a newborn who made him yearn for getting filled pockets. Yet, here, with riches, his son was still suffering, his wife was dead. So many contrasts lived in one society. Rich, poor, greedy, strong...so many...
Lost in his thoughts, he frowned as his mobile phone vibrated. The police had been calling him for days, giving useless explanations. It was apparent they were trying to protect the elitist, the very notion that had made Eliyas hate that class, put them in their place.
Disgusting rich folks
However, once he picked up the call, his tired expressions turned stern, firm and cold.
***
Sila
The shades of the park's leaves changed. The warm breeze blew, and the sensation of watching a sinking sun hit me hard. I had been sleeping on the park bench for 3 days, eating food from a local shop that was giving away free food and just spending my days strolling in the park.
People around me were starting to notice a pattern.
Low moments...trapped in a pit; these were my emotions. There were moments when I had dared to fight, but now, there was just hollowness. Away from my family, had lost the only acquaintance I had managed to find when battling my pain, and now this...out under the streets, no real food or place to go.
I had snapped at Eliyas purely out of instincts, but now, I knew what he would do. My thoughts terrified me, yet I felt numb and in shock. Depression, loss, tragedy; they have the capacity to steal the colours of this world, turn everything so monotone, so dull.
Everything I had been through, the shock of my situation, what Eliyas was going to do next, I felt like I had been pushed to the back burner of my mind. I was just watching now. I had no control over myself and was watching the world from an outsider's view.
Numb...
How could I have allowed myself to literally end up on the streets, get snatched by some thugs at any time?
I had lived such a comfortable life. I had never even moved a muscle at my home. But somehow, I had messed up to the limit that I was now out on the streets, feeling so hungry and broken. My roommates had refused to accept me back, given I was no longer working at my own workplace and had no money. They had actually sold the few things I had owned. Maryam had already left the place.
I was alone again...
The dire situation of my situation actually had pushed me into a sense of denial, like I couldn't believe what was happening to me, but there was no waking up from this pain. No money, no food, no place to stay and no one to care. So totally lost and alone.
There were no tears felt to cry anymore.
So numb, so ruined, so crushed.
And I knew that in a few days, I would have no past to hold on to, no battle to fight against, my past would become a closed chapter, and I would have to survive this truth. This was how things were going to be now.
Getting up from the park bench, I decided to take another stroll. It was a women's park, and the ladies had already at the sight of a full moon. So many husbands had come to pick their wives from the parks.
Happy endings, a man who took care of his wife...
I was going to finally leave mine.
Under the moonlight, I walked and momentarily inhaled the feeling of when I had first fallen in love.
Falling in love was a beautiful situation.
One person can make you feel so strong, so important, and when Eliyas had stared at me and confessed his heartwarming emotions for me, it was the best feeling ever. I had been on cloud nine. Love does that. We want our demons to get accepted, for someone to truly be there, and when someone offers us that affection, we cling to it.
The erratic heartbeats, the daring sensation to fight against the world, falling in love was all that and more. And that is why betrayal hurt more. To be high up and then get slammed down on the floor. It hurt. Maybe, that is why I had been so fearful of separation. I was scared of endings. I never wanted to fall in love again.
I was worried about how this separation would further taint my image in our society but more than that, but I still missed the feeling of love. I was scared that I would actually miss it. I would feel a sense of loss, but now, I realize that it was just pointless worrying.
I had to accept my reality,
Storms brewed around, the wind hushed and withered, and I found myself mourning another one of my scars. I was a failure. I had failed so many people, and I was failing more by hurting over the concept of separation.
Dressed a bride, I had been hoping for so much happiness, and here, I was learning that love only equalled to hurt. It hurt to let go. The man I had got married to was simply a conman. But it still hurt to finally let go of a journey that I had thought would be so wonderful-so hopeful and loving.
Cold icy waves bit my skin, and I was about to scratch their stings away while miserably rubbing my shoulders when I was grabbed harshly by the arm and turned around.
"Sila," Eyebrows narrowed, jaw clenched and his son in his arms, Eliyas stood so strict and stern. So he had got the phone call. I had asked a police officer to get this message to Eliyas that I needed him to sign the papers. I couldn't say that I needed him to finally leave me because he would simply deny it. But, I was done.
I knew what he would do now, sell me, throw me away, but in my state of depression, it didn't even matter anymore. I had lost. The hurt of the tragedy was strong. There was no energy to feel and hurt anymore. I was done.
The sight of Nabeel squeezed my heart. He was sleeping with his head resting against his father's shoulder. I wonder where the mother was...why Eliyas had dragged his son here.
"You want to get a separation?" A malice smirk had appeared on his face, as he shifted his son and kept one arm around him. The other hand was still holding my arm.
Standing in the middle of the park, with the moonlight shining down on us and a pond a few feet away from us, I shivered while meeting his gaze with a frown. A monster, I was encountering a beast. A ruthless beast. He was staring down at me, and I was looking up at him. A fight between two heights.
"I do." I tugged my arm out of his grasp while staring straight into his eyes, not daring to look at Nabeel again. It hurt. It hurt so much.
"What if I don't sign the papers?" There was a hard look in his eyes, his smile mean and cruel. He was, again, in a terrible mood.
"I will drag you to court!" Temper hit me hard.
He had done so much.
The audacity of this man...I had finally decided to break myself from the shackles, and he couldn't give me that. He took my wealth, pride, friends, home, everything...it was game over now.
There was no putting in continuing the con. There was no point in him choosing to stay married to me. It made no sense. He got married to me just to con me, now that the job was done, it was time to let go of that facade. He had got what he wanted.
"Do you think I will allow that?" He raised an eyebrow knowingly, and there was that threat again. He was finally going to dump me at some dark market, take cash. But, why still bother with the charade, he could still sell me to some thugs after ending our marriage.
I blanched and paled, knowing what was to come, what happened to girls, how human trafficking worked...it was a dark road ahead, a terrifying one, where people lost their sanity, were driven mad...but the day I had chosen Eliyas, I had chosen to become a victim of the street crimes.
"Y-you c-can just let me g-go. You d-don't need to sell me." My voice shook, shiver increased, but I wanted one last fight before dealing with the consequences of my actions.
I took one step back, still keeping my eyes on him. He looked so dark and sinister under the moonlight, his expressions hidden behind shadows. I could have run, hid, but I knew that he would find me. This is how the gang life worked. There was no hiding Also, any chase would often result in a brutal hunt.
"You saved my son. I owe you now." He was crudely mocking me now, a sinister grin still present on his face. He took one step forward, causing me to take one cautious step back. I had just lashed out at this monster a few days ago, but after the adrenaline rush, I was back to trembling in his presence.
"End this already, Eliyas. You got your cash, job, everything. Now, I want nothing more to do with you, so why carry on with this charade?" I eyed him with fear, hoping someone would catch this man in the women's park.
"I won't."
"Is Nabeel's mother okay with you being married to another?" I tried to take a different route. unclenching and clenching my fists out of anxiety.
His malicious grin immediately dropped to a nasty scowl. He grabbed my arm again and pulled me forward. "Nabeel's mom is dead, so I believe she has no say in this." This man was horrible!
Dead!
Did he murder that woman?
Did he murder his wife!
Another terror hit me hard, murder...it could be, marry and kill...maybe, this was why Eliyas wasn't willing to leave me. He had plans!
"D-Did you kill her?" I stuttered, looking up at him in pure terror and worry. "A-Are you here to do t-that to me-"
Immediately, the hand holding my arm grabbed my jaw and squeezed it. "Shut up!" He sneered right in my face. I grabbed the hand on my face with both my hands, struggling for him to leave me. "If I had wanted to put a bullet in your pretty little head, I would have done it the day I dumped you."
"Then why-" I quivered. whimpering at the sight of his temper. His son was fast asleep throughout this episode.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I persisted, taking a gentle approach.
"You took me away from my home. You took my money, stole the one person I had managed to get close to throughout this process, you broke me again and again. and I want to know why? why me? Why did you choose me? What did I ever do to you?" A sense of ache and devastation entered my tone.
"Why did you choose me?" I repeated softly, vulnerability...
He kept staring harshly at me and then pushed my jaw back, finally letting go of me.
"I am not signing any papers." He moved to turn around, but this time, out of pure desperation for freedom, I grabbed his arm.
"Why are you doing this? You got what you wanted. Money, wealth, I am completely broke and abandoned now. I know you are a conman. But, please...just end this already. I don't know what I did, why my pain is so entertaining for you, but please...no more..." My tears dripped, as I then lowered my head in sheer defeat
He turned around, keeping a firm hold on Nabeel and then grabbed my jaw again. Silently, he wiped my falling tears with his thumb. For a moment, all was silent, just the sound of my broken sobs was echoing in the air.
"Why did you do it? He sighed after a minute.
"Wha-" I turned to look at him with a confused expression.
"Why did you look after Nabeel? Why did you call me?" He sounded quiet and observant.
"Because he was your son. Despite everything, I saw a connection-the son of my husband. He was so innocent and vulnerable. He needed protection."
"You should hate him." He accused, voice rough and cold.
"I should, but I don't. I don't even hate you now when I should because I don't think you deserve even that from me." My eyes narrowed in his direction. " I just don't get why you hate me so much. You have conned me, so what is the point of hating me? What did ever I do to you?"
"Nothing."
This was biting.
So there was no apparent reason for the continuation of this torture.
My knees immediately sunk to the floor and I balled up, crying in my arms, no longer bothering about how he saw my vulnerability.
This was it.
"You are so cruel, so heartless." I pulled on my hair in mad hurt. "All I ever did was love you, why couldn't you just do that? Why couldn't you just love me? Why couldn't you have just changed your ways for me? You have ruined me....you have ruined me completely, and I hope you are happy now. I hope seeing me like this thrills you. I am so alone. I am so lone all because of you!" A severe panic attack had hit me hard.
"I am so lone. What am I going to do now? What am I going to do now?"' I was rocketing back and fro, completely breaking down.
Fingers tried to push my face away from my arms, but I wasn't going to listen to anyone now. I had suppressed these emotions while depressions, and finally, those wails were bursting out. This man had ruined me, butchered my heart.
No food, no money, no job...how was I going to survive now! How was I going to get out of this?
No, no...no...
"Please," I finally looked up, as the man who had ruined me, was hovering over me with a wide-awake Nabeel. Eliyas was looking at me with so many emotions, gently stroking my hair to calm me down as he looked slightly pale at the sight of my full-blown breakdown.
"Please just spare me. Let me go."
a/n: thank you so much for reading, waiting, commenting...
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