chapter ten: nothing lasts forever
It was early August of that year, and it had been a good couple of months. It had almost been exactly a year since Number Five first made his appearance at the Commission headquarters, but much more importantly, it had almost been a year since Number Five had first been introduced to Anthony.
So much had seemed to have happened in those short eleven months between the boys, and it was crazy to think that it had already been so long. The time had seemed to just go by so fast. Time really does fly when you're around the one you love.
When Number Five had first agreed to join the Commission, it was a complete desperation move for him to get back to his family. He knew that he would never be there for long, so he had decided to give himself one simple rule: Don't get too close with anyone. It just made sense, because what's the point growing close with someone if you're just going to inevitably leave? It wouldn't be fair to the person he would be involved with, and it wouldn't be fair to him.
That didn't seem too hard at first, and after his first couple of days he was convinced that everyone there was either a pretentious asshole or a complete idiot that he would never want himself to be associated with, let alone be around.
But Number Five knew that the first moment he felt Anthony's hand twist in his, that his 'simple' rule was never going to be as 'simple' as he had first anticipated and prepared for.
Fuck, it was so insane how fast he had fallen for Anthony, and he didn't even realize it until it was much too late.
Five didn't even think it was possible to feel the way he did about one single person. It was such a foreign, but good, feeling. They had only first met in September, and by November he was so infatuated with the man. He had already been planning how he could get back to 2019, but the new plan was how he could get to 2019, but with Anthony.
Not only was this thing a big deal for Five, but of course it was also something huge for Anthony, who fallen even quicker than the other one had. Perhaps he fell too quickly, but he went from being almost completely alone, to constantly being around and supported by someone who he felt so deeply and emotionally connected to.
It happened so quickly, and Anthony was convinced that even after a mere few months, that he was already in love with him.
And he was right; he was very much in love with Five. It eventually did get to a point where he couldn't even deny it to himself anymore. He was just so utterly, pathetically and hopelessly in love with him.
It made him happy. So, so, so happy.
There was no denying the feelings, and it was so obvious to anyone he encountered that there was something different, in a good way, about the twenty-four year old.
Mentally, Five had helped him tremendously. By August, he had been self harm free for almost six months, and he had gained the healthy amount of weight that his body so desperately needed.
It was the feeling of being loved no matter what that made him feel as if he could really just be himself, and nothing felt better than that.
Although the two had never used the word 'love' with each other, he thought it was safe to assume that Five felt the same way about him, he just assumed it was obvious based on how they acted together.
But assuming never helped anyone.
Assuming only ever caused problems.
And this time was no different.
"You seem extremely happy today" Herb commented as he sat across the way from Anthony in the Commission break room, taking a bite of his sandwich.
"Mhm" Anthony hummed in agreement, taking a sip of his coffee. He still hated coffee, but it reminded him of Five "That's because I am happy"
Herb smiled, glancing around the room to make sure that they were alone "Well, I'm happy that you're happy, and I assume that this has something to do with you and Mr Hargreeves?" he asked.
Anthony grimaced "Don't call him that, it makes him sound like he's my teacher or something" he chuckled softly.
He didn't even realize it, but that was his first time ever talking about Five to someone. Considering that majority of the Commission workers were raging homophobes (cunts), Anthony had no one to gush about the love-of-his-life to. He felt like a teenage boy who just got their first girlfriend; so extremely giddy and blushy.
"I assume it's going well for you two?" Herb asked.
"It's never been better" Anthony agreed, unable to stop himself from smiling and blushing just at the mention of his lover "Honestly Herb, I seriously think I might be in love with him, like not on a casual way like fully in love with him."
Herb smiled again. Ah, young love "You should tell him that then" he advised.
Anthony shook his head dramatically "Not a chance Herbie, I would never do that" he replied.
"I'm sure he loves you too, very much" Herb told him seriously "I see the way he looks at you, reminds me of how my father used to look at the woman who he cheated on my mother with"
"Uh...is that supposed to reassure me?" Anthony asked with a hesitant chuckle.
"Yeah! They've been married for over twenty years now" Herb explained.
"Oh, okay" Anthony nodded, still looking quite weary at the comment "Well good for them I guess?"
After a couple of seconds, Anthony heard footsteps from behind him, followed by a hand touching his shoulder and the weight of the seat shifting next to him.
"Hey love" Five greeted "And Herb"
"Hello Mr Hargreeves" Herb nodded at him, just happy to have been acknowledged.
"Oh you're here?" Anthony looked over at him.
"Yeah, why? Are you doing something that you don't want me to see or something?" Five asked with a chuckle.
"Not at all! I'm just surprised to see you" he assured.
The difference in his behavior didn't go unnoticed by Number Five: it was so obvious how nervous he was to be actually around Five at the Commission, because normally they just avoided each other and acted as if the other didn't even exist.
"What are you both doing?" Five asked, trying to make conversation with the two.
"Avoiding work" Herb replied.
Anthony nodded "Our break ended ten minutes ago but we don't want to go back" he complained.
"Well, she's making her way down there in a couple of minutes, so I'd get back if I was you" Five advised.
He groaned, dropping his head to his partner's shoulder "I don't want to see her today, she already told me that she wants to see me in her office"
"I know, but it won't be for long" Five assured, kissing the top of his head "And I'll see you at home, alright? And I swear I'll watch that stupid Kardashian show with you tonight"
"You hate that show" Anthony mumbled.
"Well, it's not totally insufferable, it's funny sometimes" Five replied, reaching down and interlocking their hands.
"Can I paint your nails?" he asked hopefully.
"Sure" Five agreed "Just not yellow"
Herb frowned "Why not yellow?"
"He thinks it's ugly" Anthony explained, leaning over and kissing Five's cheek before he stood up "I'll see you after work then"
"Don't miss me too much, alright?" he teased.
Anthony still held onto Five's hand as he walked over to the other side seat "I'll try"
Five kissed the back of Anthony's hand, before letting go of it and watching him leave the room. He smiled to himself once he was alone, just being grateful for a moment that he had Anthony in his life...for now, anyways.
Meanwhile, Anthony walked down the hallway of the Commission, he sighed to himself, but stopped in front of the familiar set of wooden doors. Lifting his arm, he knocked lightly on the door, before hearing the usual 'Come in!' that greeted him every time.
"Good afternoon, Anthony" the Handler said to him as he closed the door behind him "How are you?"
"I'm good, never been better, actually" Anthony replied honestly, walking in and taking his seat across the way from her at her desk "And you?" he asked politely. He really didn't give two shits on whether she was good or not.
"That's good to hear" she nodded in approval, the condescending tone extremely evident in her voice.
"Mhm" Anthony hummed, awkwardly fidgeting with the ring on his finger, moving it up and down repeatedly.
The Handler took a drag of her cigarette "I've seen that you and Mr Hargreeves have become friendly with each other" she said "I think it's a good thing, I always thought you needed some friends who could...let's just say, straighten you out"
Damn, she really had it all wrong.
"Yeah, Five is cool" Anthony nodded.!
"He has become one of our best workers here" she told him with a small nod "In such a short amount of time as well. He's surprisingly really good with a gun"
"He's good at what he does" Anthony agreed "He's also good with his hands, y'know with the guns" he added.
"Mm, he is a man of many talents...if you know what I mean by that" she grinned and winked at him.
He looked at her with confusion "I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you mean by that" he admitted.
"You know...let's just say that Mr Hargreeves and I have shared a somewhat intimate relationship since he got her" she explained.
"What do you mean by that?" Anthony asked.
Anthony wasn't stupid.
He was many things, but stupid wasn't one of them, and be knew exactly what she had meant by that. I guess a big part of him wanted to believe that he was wrong in his suspicions, but he knew that he most likely wasn't. But part of him was just silently hoping that it wasn't real.
"Oh come on Anthony, you know what intimate means, don't be stupid" the Handler chuckled.
"Like...sexual?" he asked.
"Finally! I know a lady shouldn't kiss and tell, but let me just tell you that that man is great in bed" she commented "Especially considering that it was his first time"
"Really?" Anthony asked, and although it seemed as he was trying to react shocked to her, it was him genuinely asking whether or not it had really happened.
"Yes! Just a few months ago" she explained "He was just lonely and needy after all of his time along, so I offered to help him and I guess it just sorta-"
She ranted on, but Anthony heard none of it.
His chest felt heavy.
His eyes began to water.
He felt as if he couldn't breathe properly.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
By the time he came back around, she had stopped talking, and was now looking at him with the fake concern her face often held "Anthony? Hello?" she clicked her fingers in front of his face "Did you hear what I said?" she asked.
He snapped out of whatever trance he had fallen into to "W-What?" he stuttered slightly.
"I asked if you were okay" the Handler replied.
"Yeah" he breathed out, pushing himself up out of the chair "Could you just excuse me for a moment?"
"Of course, just hurry back" she nodded.
He wasn't going to be back.
Anthony made it back to Number Five's apartment, fumbling the keys in his shaky hands as he unlocked the door, pushing it open and then slamming it closed behind him. Anthony took a shaky breath, as he leaned his back against the door and slid down it slowly until he was on the floor.
He felt so pathetic.
So used.
So fucking pathetic.
He tried to steady his breaths, but he only continued to hyperventilate. Anthony wiped the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater: Five's sweater.
Standing up, he pulled off the cardigan, and threw it to the floor dramatically "Jesus fucking Christ" he muttered to himself as he stomped, literally, to the bedroom, taking one of his own sweaters and putting it on over his shaking body.
He brought the base of both his palms to his eyes, in a desperate attempt to stop himself crying. He already felt pathetic as it was, so that was the last thing he needed at that moment.
He checked the time: 19:55pm
Number Five always arrived home to him at 8pm exactly, and was hardly ever later. Normally Anthony would wait religiously for his return, but now he just paced back and forth in the bedroom, coming to the realization that he only had a few mere minutes to decide how exactly he was going to approach the situation.
He debated his options.
He could just scream at him, and express all his pent up anger that he had been holding in since he found out. Let Five know just how much it hurt, and how he felt so used and abused, and really just to tell the man to 'go fuck himself'
But Anthony knew deep down that yelling was never going to help with anything, and it would only make everything worse for both of them.
He could just breakdown and cry, make Five feel bad for what he had done, but Anthony knew that if he just broke down and cried he would end up letting Five comfort and take care of him, and then he would end having no confrontation and no solution.
He could act as if he had heard nothing, and pretend that everything was fine. Pretend that everything was normal and that he had heard absolutely nothing. To be completely honest, that one felt the most appealing to Anthony at that moment in time.
Because he didn't want to loose Five.
Anthony knew that he shouldn't even consider staying with the man who was outright and intentionally cheating on him with his abuser.
That shit fucking hurt.
But just the thought of his life without Number Five hurt him more than anything else, it physically made his heart ache, and he wasn't sure he was mentally stable enough to completely cut Five out of his life.
Before Anthony even had a chance to decided what approach to take, he could hear the handle of the front door turning, and the sound of footsteps filled the quiet apartment "Hey Ant? Where are you?" Five called out, taking off his suit jacket and tossing it onto the touch, eyeing the forgotten sweater that was left in the middle of the floor.
Anthony thought about hiding in the bathroom and escaping through a vent, he really considered it, but decided that it was better just to face the problem head on; because even if he ran and hid, it wasn't going to go away.
That, and he was afraid there would be spiders in the vents.
"There you are" Five said once he got to the doorway of their bedroom, a smile evident in his voice. He walked over, wrapping his arms around Anthony from behind, resting his head on his shoulder and placing a kiss to his neck "I didn't know where you were"
"Don't fucking touch me"
Five's arms were forcefully pried off of the man's waist, and thrown behind "What?"
"You heard me" Anthony turned around, pushing him away lightly, because despite everything that had happened, he still didn't want to physically hurt him, that's not the type of person Anthony was.
"Why are you acting so weird?" Five asked.
Anthony ran a hand through his hair in frustration and sighed. Well, here goes nothing "When were you going to tell me that you slept with the Handler?" he asked.
Straight to the point, good.
Number Five's face dropped instantly "What are you talking about?" he asked in confusion.
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about" he took a step back, pointing his finger at the man "You were fucking the Handler behind my back, for God only knows how long, and you lied to me about it" his voice was unusually and eerily calm.
"Okay...well, I wouldn't call it 'lying', it was more just me withholding the truth from you" Five defended, putting his hands up in surrender.
Anthony shook his head in disbelief "You are fucking unbelievable" he muttered, crossing his arms, and turning away from him "I can't even look at you right now, what on Earth possessed you to make you think that that was okay? Why would you do that to me?"
His voice maintained the calm tone, but that was only because he was terrified.
"Look, this was months ago, we weren't even friends at that point!" Five told him "So just stop working yourself up and making yourself angry over something that doesn't matter!"
"It matters to me!" Anthony argued, turning around once again "You told me that I was your first, and it was her? And don't say it was before we were friends, because we were much more than friends in January, and don't fucking tell me that we weren't and-"
"Ant-" he tried to interrupt.
"Don't fucking call me that and just let me fucking talk, alright?" Anthony asked. His tone got harsher.
He sighed before continuing "I thought I could trust you, I thought that we actually meant something! But the whole time you were fucking her behind my back? How could you even do that to me?" he tried to stop the tears from falling down his face.
"I think you're so blowing this whole thing way out of proportion, because it's really not that serious at all" Five shook his head "I slept with her twice, it's not like it was a regular thing, you're the one who's getting angry and making this a big deal"
"Don't you dare pin this on me!" Anthony shook his head "I believed everything you told me, and it was all just lies? Our whole relationship was built on you lying to me! And twice?! And you're not even trying to deny it?"
"Could you stop being so dramatic?" Five asked.
Anthony shook his head again "Just please tell me the truth about this one...the night after I got hurt and she called you...was that when it happened?" his voice suddenly became a lot softer, almost as if he was scared.
"Yeah" Five admitted.
He bit his bottom lip, willing himself not to cry anymore than he already was "I thought we 'weren't friends at that point'?" Anthony quoted him, his eyes sending daggers towards Five.
"Look, I'm sorry, I should've told you, and I mean that honestly" Number Five said "But in my defense, I knew you'd freak out like you are right now, so can you really blame me for hiding it?"
"Why did you even do it?" Anthony asked.
"Okay, I know I should've never slept with her, that was such a dumb mistake because I'm a fucking idiot, alright? That's why I never told you, because I knew that it was a mistake, and I knew that you'd react like this, I just didn't want to hurt you" Five told him "I did this to protect you"
"Please save the gaslighting for someone else, I can't take that" Anthony put a hand out in defense "Just answer the damn question, Five, why did you do it? And no more bullshit, please"
"I don't know, honestly" Five admitted "I shouldn't have done it, and I definitely shouldn't have kept it a secret from you"
"Yeah, you fucking shouldn't" Anthony replied, the hurt evident in his voice "Why did you do that to me? Was I not good enough? Or am I just another notch in your bedpost?"
"What? No!" Five said quickly "Look, can we please have this conversation when you're less upset, please?" Five asked.
"No we fucking can't" Anthony deadpanned "You hurt me when I trusted and gave you everything! You know what she's done to me, yet you still betrayed me like that? I thought you cared"
He did care.
But Five was just painfully stupid.
"Everything in life is temporary, Ant, and my thing with her was exactly that" Five defended.
"That doesn't make it better" Anthony shook his head, bringing a hand to his face and attempting to wipe some of the tears away.
Five reached forward and grabbing both of his hands gently "Well, Is there any way I can make it better? I don't want to ruin what we have, and I really do mean that, Ant, because I don't know if I can survive here without you"
Anthony just looked at him for a few moments before shaking his head "I don't either"
"Good, because we don't have to" Five replied.
"I know we don't" Anthony said before taking a deep breath in "And I don't think I can, because I love you, and I can't loose another person I love"
Number Five looked taken aback, dropping the man's hands instantly and taking a step back "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Anthony furrowed his eyebrows "What do you mean?"
"That isn't—what...love?" Number Five shook his head "That's not what this is. No, no way, you're just talking complete nonsense now"
Huh?
Anthony's could feel his heart dropping, and he felt lightheaded "w-what?" he hated how his voice sounded when he stuttered.
"We aren't-that isn't what we have" Five told him.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Anthony could feel his heart breaking "Then what do we have, Five? What the fuck am I doing here then?" he asked, his voice shaking and wavering even more than before.
"You can leave if you want" Five replied.
He didn't know why he even said that.
Anthony looked at him with shock "Why are you doing this to me?"
He didn't want Anthony to leave.
"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to lie and say that 'I love you' when I don't?" Five asked.
"So you're telling me that you can honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that you feel nothing at all for me?" Anthony asked.
No response.
"Oh my God" Anthony said quietly, so quiet that it was barely audible "Oh my fucking God" he said louder, shaking his head, before he turned and attempted to walk out of the room.
Five reached forward, grabbing his wrist harshly and pulling him back "No, wait!"
Anthony squirmed slightly "Get your fucking hands off of me" he tried to pull himself away "Don't make this any harder than it already is, Five" The tears were running down his face uncontrollably.
"Just listen to me" Five told him.
"No! Let go of me" he attempted to pull away again.
"I'm not letting you leave until you let me explain everything" Five said seriously, pulling him closer again "This is getting so out of hand, and I'm not letting this whole thing end this way"
"Stop it, you're fucking hurting me" Anthony complained seriously, trying to break the grip.
So Five did let go. And he didn't say anything else.
Because there was nothing left to say. Nothing would make it better. And, he wasn't one to lie and say that he was in love, because he wasn't. So he watched Anthony leave the room.
Anthony, who was very much in love, opened the front door and then slammed it shut behind him. He walked home in the dark, alone, crying, and leaving Five standing alone in the bedroom, also alone.
He not only left behind all of his things, he also left the last year behind him, and a part of himself.
The best part of himself.