"Wh- what did you do to my dad?" the words come out foreign and choked. My voice is small and doesn't sound like my own. "Where is he?"
He smiles a sickening smile once again as if everything I just said was hysterical. "What would make you think I did anything?" he laughs.
"You've been following me." I let the words rush out more scared the longer I stand between him and the feet of space between us becomes nonexistent.
He takes a step forward and I step back against the door, "Whatever are you talking about Gavin?" he questions, "Do I," he points to himself, "honestly come across as a bad guy?"
His dark expression shifting to dismay as if he is honestly offended at what I just said that is until the same crazy look in his eyes returns just as fast.
"You killed Vivian." the words slip out before I have a chance to reconsider what I'm saying or what my words may lead to.
His smile twists into an unwelcoming expression I'm terrified of. "And I'd do it again too."
"Why?" I ask not sure I want to know the answer. This is what I've wanted. I wanted to find out the truth of why but now as I stand here waiting I wish this was a nightmare and not real life.
"Why not?" he retorts, "I got what I wanted and I would have a perfect life if you didn't have to interfere. Don't get me wrong I had my fun messing with you in the beginning. Convincing you you're crazy to get you to stop digging into something that wasn't your concern but the fun and games have gotten tiring. See I have plans, big plans with Jayden and I don't need you getting in the way more than you've already have."
"What are you going to do?" I dare ask.
"Well if I told you it wouldn't be any fun now would it?" Jordan says with a sinister look in his eyes.
-----
(Jonhathan)
I don't remember when I began to fall into the past and never come back up for air in the present. It's as if I never left the past as it lingered to the surface until it grabbed its hooks into me pulling me back. Dragging me to the place I felt comfortable so many years I couldn't let go. Couldn't survive with a life that was actually better than I could imagine.
I guess I do know, it was the day Jayden was charged with murder. The police came and informed me Vivian was dead in the same house I spent six years in with Jayden and he was responsible for her death. I didn't want to look at him, didn't want to hear his excuse or reason. I couldn't bear the thought to know she was gone and the happiness I grown accustomed to was nonexistent anymore.
Looking back I was a horrible dad. I hated my son and blamed him for what happened. I couldn't be there for him when he needed me the most because I was drowning in pain. Depression anchoring me down it was impossible to get through every day until I told myself it was impossible. How could what they said be possible? How could he hurt his sister he would do anything for? How could he be just like Jared?
I went through a dark state of my life. Watching everything I loved disappear before my eyes. Vivian was gone. Jayden was convicted of her murder. And Chris ended our relationship along with taking full custody of Gavin.
I was alone. I had no one until I got in contact with Jared. He's always been there. He's never left my side when I needed someone the most. I can visit him when I want and talk to him since there isn't anyone preventing us from communicating and in a sense looking back maybe letting the past back in wasn't a good idea.
I've become this person living day by day in a dark depression. My mind always trying to stay in the past. Reliving what happened, replaying what I could do different. Not letting me live every day to the fullest but to the point I'm breaking inside. I've lost who I am trying to fix what I've done. I'm a lousy dad. Pathetic and weak to let myself be pulled back into a relationship that only hurt me.
I screwed up. I made so many mistakes I have myself dragging my own son into my mess. Gavin has always wanted my attention, needed me but I never made myself avaliable. I was distant in my head coming up with ways Jayden couldn't do something horrible to Vivian. I didn't want to believe the truth that was right in front of me because then I'd have to come to the realization he's just like Jared.
I tried my best to raise Jayden to be nothing like Jared by leaving what happened in the house in the past. I didn't let him talk about what happened and maybe just maybe I made a mistake. I convinced him keeping secrets was what was best. No one needed to know everything that happened. No one needed to know I started to become someone I never thought I could be.
Years earlier....
"You are nothing Simon! Nothing!" I yell as I push him down. Anger boiling inside me I can't contain.
I hate him! I hate everything about him! I don't even know why Jared brought him into the house when we were happy. We were perfect just the three of us. Everything was perfect I thought but I was wrong. I'm always wrong and that's what infuriates him. I make mistakes after all these years. I'm a constant failure that can't live up to everything he wants me to be.
"Get up and clean the mess you made before he comes back." I tell him, my eyes meeting Jayden's who is looking over at me from the couch.
His eyes innocent and pure not understanding what's going on. He's clueless to understand Simon needs to be punished. I'm simply teaching Simon what is expected of him in this household and that's not just sitting around. He has to contribute, he has to do as I say.
"What's wrong?" Jayden asks, fright in his eyes at the sight of Simon struggling to get up.
"Nothing is wrong Jayden." I reassure him.
"I'm fine." Simon says as he gets up.
Before I can stop myself I smack Simon across the face. "Don't you ever talk to him again!" I yell.
Simon stumbles back, his hand reaching for his face. "I..I'm sor...ry." Simon chokes out.
Jayden quickly turns away. His attention reverting back to the cartoons he's watching and not at the scene behind him.
"I'm not a bad person." I say aloud to myself. Part of me wondering if I am. Worried I'm changing into a person I don't remember ever being.
----
When I think of the past I block out Simon. I push back who I was becoming in front of Jayden's eyes towards a person who was just like me, trapped. Stuck inside a house not allowed to leave with a child growing up in fear.
Except Simon took off when he had the chance. Jared made Simon leave that night after we got back from the store and my mom recognized me. He was told not to speak about what happened, told to keep everything a secret and he did just that. Just like Jayden who never spoke a word about the mean person I was as jealousy took ahold of me towards the man that was hurting me. Hurting Jayden and he would have Vivian if she was born in a house of horrors.
Simon was someone I could release my built up anger I held towards Jared. He became a punching bag I could hit as much as I wanted and I regret it. Regret who I was becoming when I was never that monster. I was always on the receiving end of the pain but after years of living with Jared and his outbursts of anger I wasn't able to control myself. Anger, sadness and despair were all rolled into one emotion I let out on a victim just like myself.
He was my age when I had first arrived. Scared and terrified in the attic chained up. Wondering how many days and nights were going to go by before someone found me. Hoping I wouldn't get him mad or upset and cause my own worse pain. He was just a teenager that didn't deserve what I did to him. I didn't need to inflict more pain on him when he was already hurting from Jared.
That's what Jared was doing wasn't he? Hurting me? Hurting Jayden? Hurting Simon? Keeping us trapped unable to escape. Brainwashing me to the extend I couldn't think for myself. I needed Jared in my life. I still do when I'm the one to go crawling back to him needing someone who would listen to me. Someone to listen to me is all I've ever wanted especially when Jayden needed me and Gavin needs me now.
"Are you even listening to me Jonhathan? Our son needs help." Chris says as I snap out of my thoughts.
"I know. I'm sorry it's my fault. It's all my fault." I reply on the verge of tears realizing how far I've let this get to. Gavin is spending all of his energy on Jayden. He's visited him more than I can count, more than I have. "He's convinced someone is following."
"This is because of you. He's always wanted your attention and all of it has always gone to Jayden. You've never made time even when I've given you countless attempts to be a part of his life throughout the years. Jonhathan you haven't been in the present since Vivian died because you're so hellbent on Jayden being innocent."
"He is!" I yell. "He has to be, he told me he was."
He shakes his head and I know by the look on his face he thinks I'm crazy. "I don't care what you want to believe but leave Gavin out of this."
"I have Chris." I told him to stop. I told Gavin to leave it alone but he didn't. He continues to visit Jayden regardless of what I say. "I don't know what else you want me to say. I haven't talked to Gavin since the last time he stopped by saying someone was following him."
"You need to tell me these things. I'm worried about him and his visits to Jayden. Nothing good is coming from this besides him feeling closer to you. "
"Isn't that a good thing? I'm not the only one to believe Jayden is innocent." I hang out my desperation to believe Jayden is innocent as it slowly begins to fade away.
"Do you not remember him confessing to what happened to Vivian? The cops said he did it when no one else was at the house." he asks.
"He told me he didn't Chris and maybe Gavin knows something we don't that Jayden told him. Have you ever considered they made him confess? Forced him to believe he was responsible?"
"Have you ever considered you need to let the past go? For fuck's sake Jonhathan you still talk to the person who hurt you!"
"Have you ever considered there is more to the past than you know?!" I yell back.
"Oh and what is that?" he retorts.
"I want to be there for Gavin just like I have been for Jayden." I need to be there for Gavin when my mistakes early on have led to undeniable consequences now. "I'm not a good person Chris. I've hurt someone in that house too. Maybe I didn't end his life but I did horrible things. I'm a horrible dad for making Jayden promise me to never speak of that part of the past. I'm the reason that maybe he is guilty and I just don't want to believe it."