"cause i'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby
yeah, i'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby"
•••
season two, episode six
lorelai and rory are sitting at the counter of the diner. lorelai and emilia are both reading some of rory's homework.
"it sucks. i know it sucks, just tell me it sucks." rory groans.
"it's great." lorelai tells her.
"no it's not."
"don't lie."
"a-plus." emilia tells her.
"you're my best friend." rory complains which causes emilia and lorelai to make a face at each other because of how ridiculous rory is being.
"is anything higher than an a-plus?" lorelai asks her daughter semi-sarcastically but it goes right over her head. or she's just ignoring it.
"you have to say that." rory complains.
"it's an a-plus with a crown and a wand." lorelai tells her.
"this is not how you raise a child. you don't send them out there with a false sense of pride because out there, in the real world, no one will coddle you. i'd rather know right now if i'm gonna be working at cnn or carrying a basket around its offices with sandwiches in it." rory rants.
"rory." lorelai interrupts.
"yeah?" rory asks out of breath.
"it's great." lorelai praises her.
"really?" rory asks somewhat hesitantly.
"really really." emilia pipes up.
"thank you." rory tells the two next to her.
luke walks over to the three girls with coffee in his hand to fill the gilmore girls' mugs.
"coffee, coffee. okay what do you want? eggs, toast, combo?"
"what's the rush there, zippy?" lorelai asks him.
"i'm just swamped this morning. i was supposed to have help but i don't." he looks to emilia and she looks at him with a sheepish look. "so order right now or i'm bringing the both of you an egg white omelet with a side of steamed spinach."
"pancakes." lorelai yells out.
"french toast." rory yells out after her mother.
"thank you." luke tells the two of them and emilia gets back to work as jess comes down the stairs.
"jess you were supposed to be down here...what the hell is that?" luke asks him.
"what?" jess asks innocently
"that." luke gestures to jess' shirt.
"that is a shirt."
"change."
"what?"
"go upstairs and change your shirt."
"i like this shirt."
"how can you like that shirt?"
"it brings out my eyes. right, gallagher?"
"definitely, caulfield."
"hey, part of the deal of you staying here is that you work here, and when you work here you will wear proper work attire, and that is not proper work attire. now go upstairs and change into something that won't scare the hell out of my customers."
"whatever you say uncle luke." jess leaves to go change his shirt.
"gross shirt." lorelai says.
"yeah." rory and emilia say.
"good band." emilia says.
"oh yeah." the gilmore girls say.
•••
lane, dean, and rory are all sitting on the couch watching the tv as emilia sits in front of them on the floor. lorelai is walking around the living room taking to her mother on the phone.
"no mom, i'm sure one crinoline will be plenty. no, she doesn't. i'm sure she doesn't. yeah, in what scenario would i have bought rory elbow length kidskin gloves, mom? oh, i'm sorry, i meant what scenario on my planet would i have bought rory elbow length kidskin gloves?"
"so?" rory asks dean.
"so what?" he asks her.
"it's good huh?"
"it's the rock and roll hall of fame induction."
"and doesn't neil young look cool?"
"i guess." dean says.
"if you'll notice, he's wearing a tux."
"neil young looks cool because he's neil young, not because he's wearing a tux."
"ain't that the truth." emilia says and can feel rory's glare aimed at the back of her head.
"no, i don't have to ask her mom 'cause i know the answer. i know the answer mom, i know the answer. yeah, no, okay, well i don't have to ask her mom-hold on. rory, would you like grandma's hairstylist to come and set your hair before the ball? oh, i did not coach her mom, go back to talking about gloves."
"i think you're gonna look great in a tux."
"tails." lane says out of the blue.
"what?" dean asks.
"yeah, according to this it says that all escorts must be properly attired in black tails, white cummerbunds, and white gloves."
"what?"
emilia laughs out loud but tries to stop when dean and rory both glare at her.
"what? we were all thinking it." she grumbles.
"i'm sure the gloves are optional." rory tries to ensure her boyfriend.
"not according to this." lane says, reading off of the pamphlet.
"tails? gloves?"
"remember neil young. remember that you love me. remember that i'll be watching battlebots with you for a month."
"show me neil young again." dean says.
a car horn honks from outside the front of the house.
"dad!" rory yells and runs out the front door as lorelai slowly follows behind.
rory comes back in with a giant dictionary and a magnifying glass a couple of minutes, getting weird looks from her friends and boyfriend.
"what? my dad got it for me." we all shrug and go back to watching the rock and roll hall of fame induction when loud music is heard from outside.
rory goes to see what's happening and comes back inside a minute later with a smug smile on her face.
•••
rory and dean are practicing dancing for the ball and they are horrible. emilia is there watching on her break that is over in about five minutes.
"now, keep counting in your heads. look each other in the eye. dean, are you leading?" miss patty tells them.
"i have no idea." dean says honestly.
"okay okay, stop stop stop. now remember, one of the most important things in ballroom dancing is to remember to spot, otherwise you're gonna get dizzy. so, what you wanna do is you wanna pick out something to focus on. i usually like to find a lonely seaman. then when turning, whip your head around and find your spot again. hello sailor, hello sailor, hello sailor. now you try it."
"you've gotta be kidding me." dean exclaims.
"i think you can do it without the 'hello sailor' part." rory says to him.
"rory."
"battlebots."
"for the rest of your life." dean grumbles to his girlfriend.
"now take it from the top." miss patty says.
when they start to dance again, lorelai and christopher walk in with coffee.
"hey hon. i would've got you a coffee but you're going back to the diner in a couple of minutes anyway." lorelai says and kisses emilia's forehead.
chris and emilia say a quick hello to each other before the two adults turn to the struggling couple.
"hey, you guys are really improving. now you're actually facing each other." lorelai says.
"anyone need a break?" chris asks.
"okay, take five, but don't sit down because your muscles will get cold." miss patty agrees.
"so how's it going?" lorelai asks the couple.
"actually, i'm not very good." rory says
"understatement of the year." emilia mumbles and only chris hears her and laughs.
"yeah, which is really holding me back because i'm a natural." dean brags.
"overstatement of the year." emilia mumbles and chris laughs again.
"ok, what are you two laughing at?" lorelai questions them.
"nothing." they both say quickly and innocently.
"well, maybe you just need a glittery glove and a really freaky face." lorelai says, turning back to the two teens.
"at one point miss patty thought dean was gonna get hurt, she made me sit in the corner and watch."
"hey! nobody puts baby in the corner." lorelai says.
"it's not your fault. ballroom dancing is a wonderfully sexist thing. any women can do it, all she needs is a strong male lead. no offense dean."
chris steps up and grabs lorelai so they can show rory and dean how to properly dance but lorelai stumbles.
"oh, agh!" lorelai yells.
"oh, well, most any woman can do it."
"i wasn't ready, i wasn't ready. i want a do over."
"fine. may i have this dance?" chris asks lorelai.
"i don't know. do you have a trust fund? always make sure." lorelei says making them laugh.
christopher and lorelai totally show rory and dean up and when they are finished all of the teenagers are clapping for them.
"okay, i'm adopted." rory says.
"yeah, i'm never gonna be able to do that." dean says.
"no, you guys just need some practice." chris assures them both.
"listen to your father, rory. your adorable, adorable father." miss patty says while checking chris out.
"come on, let's get you out of here before you become patty's next husband."
"i have to go too. luke might kill me if i leave him with jess for too long. he's started to purposely give people the wrong food and i'm the only thing stopping luke from going to jail for the rest of his life." emilia says and rolls her eyes as rory and lorelai barely stifle their laughs.
"who's jess?" chris calls after her.
"still not my dad!" she calls after him.
"do i need to beat this kid up?" chris calls after her but this time she just ignores him and walks into the diner.
•••
rory and emilia are sitting on the couch while she paints rory's toenails. chris and dean are standing next to the couch while chris teaches dean how to tie a bow tie. lorelai is walking around the living room eating kung pao chicken with a book on her head and attempting to show rory how to be a proper lady. it's not traditional to say the least.
"see now, only a lady can gracefully walk around a room with a book her head while eating kung pao chicken. and a great lady can even spit the peanuts back into the container without anyone noticing."
"wow." rory says.
"yeah, well, don't be intimidated. you have to practice and practice to get on my level."
"anyone want the last egg roll?" rory asks.
"uh, no." dean says.
"i do!" emilia exclaims.
"heh. where are you going?" lorelai asks emilia.
"to get the egg roll." she answers.
"you're getting the egg roll yourself?"
"yes."
"no! ladies never get their own egg rolls. ladies never get their own anything. they don't even get their own ideas."
"oh boy." rory mumbles.
"hey, i am not participating in this mating ritual so why do i have to follow the rules of being a lady." emilia retorts.
lorelai was about to continue but chris interrupts her.
"okay, so you pull the left side through the back loop and pull a little bit on both sides, and you my friend, might just be mistaken for a gentlemen. or a waiter."
"so how do you know how to do this?" dean asks chris.
"seventeen cotillions, a dozen debutante balls, and a brief but scarring experience with the children of the american revolution."
"where you wore nothing but the bow tie." lorelai adds in.
"a good idea on conception, but the sudden snow storm instantly dampened the effect."
"hey, uh, do you think it's cool when neil young wears a tux?" dean asks chris.
"yeah of course, but it's neil young." chris says.
"all right. i should get going. i'll see you at three." dean says and goes to leave but rory stops him.
"okay. oh wait." she hands him a box.
"what's this?" he asks.
"your gloves."
"i thought you were kidding."
"no no. ladies never kid." lorelai tells him.
"bye." dean leaves.
"bye." lorelai says.
"i think i'm going to bed." emilia tells everyone.
"i think i'm going to bed too." rory says and gets up with emilia.
"do you need help?" lorelai asks rory.
"no."
"wrong! the correct answer is yes. ladies need help with everything."
"goodnight." rory says to her parents.
"goodnight, mom" emilia says while yawning and everyone looks at her surprised but she didn't notice and just headed to bed, not realizing what she just said and not knowing just how much it meant to the older gilmore girl.
•••
lorelai, rory, and emilia all arrive at the ballroom and look around the room in awe.
lorelai starts to think about what would've happened if she didn't get pregnant and actually went through with the debutante but shakes the thought out of her head. today is about rory and she was never made for this life.
"wow, this place is huge. do i have to walk down those stairs?" rory asks lorelai.
"oh, i'm afraid so. unless you want to make a really memorable entrance and just sliiide down the banister. which i totally encourage by the way."
"you are..." a very strict lady comes up to the girls with a clipboard.
"lorelai gilmore." rory finishes for her.
"...late." the lady corrects.
"sorry, my fault. took me a while to get pretty. not all of us are sixteen anymore, you know what i mean? no." lorelai explains.
"you are to head up the stairs. the preparation room is on the right." the lady says ignoring lorelai.
lorelai mouths "sliiide" as rory is walking away.
lorelai is with emily at the bar and emilia is with dean at their table making fun of all the decorations.
the announcer can be heard across the room saying "all fathers please report to the debutante staging area upstairs. fathers to the staging area."
emilia hears the announcement as she goes with dean to go see rory before chris takes her down the stairs.
"hey, i'm going to join you. i want to see rory before she embarrasses herself doing the fan dance."
"okay." dean laughs.
rory is waiting in line when dean and emilia come up to her.
"hey. we just wanted to see you before you become a proper lady of society." dean jokes.
"so what do you think?" rory asks them.
"i think you look like a cotton ball." emilia tells her.
"why thank you em, i appreciate it."
"but a really cute cotton ball." dean quickly says to rory.
a random girl, that rory would later tell them all about, comes up to the group.
"oh my god, is this your escort?" she might as well have been holding a gun up to rory's head.
"yeah, it is."
"you are totally getting married." she then walks away from the small group of friends.
"what did she say?" dean and emilia both question her.
"oh well...dad, great, let's go." rory covers up.
"come on lover boy, let's leave your fiancé and future father in law alone to prepare." emilia jokes and pats his arm as they walk back downstairs to wait.
the lady at the podium starts to speak. "good evening. on behalf of the daughters of the american revolution, i would like to welcome you to our debutante ball. oh this brings back so many memories. i myself came out in this very hall in nineteenth-well, let's just say, a number of years ago. now the word debutante comes from the french word debuter, which means to lead off..."
at this point emilia isn't listening until she sees rory come downstairs which is very odd since she's supposed to be going very soon, like next person.
she notices that the lorelai and her parents are walking back into the ballroom as the podium lady is announcing the girl before rory.
"elizabeth dotie, daughter of george edward dotie the fourth and, eleanor dotie. lorelai gilmore, daughter of christopher hayden and lorelai gilmore."
chris and rory walk down the stairs and dean waits at the bottom for her. chris kisses her hand and she curtsies. chris then heads to the table and dean takes his place so he can walk rory down the aisle to start the fan dance with the other girls.
•••
lorelai, christopher, rory, dean, and emilia are all walking down the sidewalk of stars hollow after the debutante ball.
"so did you know that you're considered a hot dad?" rory asks chris.
"hah!" lorelai says, enjoying this way too much.
"really?" chris and emilia both question.
"libby said that it's too bad you're my real dad because if you were my stepdad, i could steal you away from mom."
"ugh." lorelai and emilia groan together.
"that libby's got a good life ahead of her." chris says while shaking his head.
"well, i was very proud of all of you. you made it through the entire ceremony with a completely straight face. almost all of you." lorelai turns to chris and emilia.
"i'm sorry, but that fan dance was more than i could take." chris says and emilia nods in agreement.
"i mean, come on. who can really watch that with a straight face." emilia complains.
lorelai shakes her head at the pair and suddenly gets a great idea "hey, i need a burger." lorelai announces to the group.
"me too." emilia and rory say at the same time.
"dean?" rory asks her boyfriend.
"honestly, the only thing i can think of is taking off this tux."
"hey, watch it bag boy, you're talking to a lady now." emilia says while pointing at dean.
"well, how about if i do it at home." dean says.
"better." emilia says.
"thanks again for going with me." rory tells dean.
"tomorrow you start paying. bye." dean says goodbye to everyone and starts his short walk home.
"bye." lorelai says to dean.
"i'm going to get a head start to the diner. it was nice to see you, chris." emilia says and leaves for the diner.
when she gets there, luke and jess are both downstairs wiping down the tables.
"how you doin'?" she asks the boys as she walks through the door.
"emilia. you look nice." luke compliments her with a surprised tone while jess just stops and stares at her.
"thank you, lucas. i greatly appreciate it. can you make us three burgers and lots of fries?" she asks him.
"yeah, no problem." he goes to the kitchen to start cooking food.
"you okay there, tess? james dean? dodger? caulfield?" that seems to get him out of his frozen state.
"yeah, i'm fine gallagher. how was the ball?"
"hilarious. they did a fan dance." jess snorts at that.
"i really missed out."
"it was certainly sight to see but there will be no missing out for anyone because i brought my digital camera. i've got half a sim card of embarrassing pictures on here." emilia tells jess excitedly as jess stares at her in admiration, not that she notices although luke does. emilia stops her ramble and suddenly points at jess "don't tell rory."
"cross my heart, gallagher."
rory then walks into the diner, and luke brings out the burgers and fries.
he sets them on the table but not before doing a double take at rory's dress.
"i know. i look like a cotton ball." rory groans and puts her head down on the table dramatically.
"a very cute cotton ball." emilia reminds her.
luke hands the two girls napkins and goes back to cleaning the counter, and jess goes upstairs. both girls tuck them into the front of their dresses.
when they are both about to take a bite of their burgers, lorelai walks in, looking slightly sad, but her expression changes when she sees the two girls shoving burgers into their faces.
"hey!" lorelai gasps.
"what?" the two of them ask her.
"after all you've been through tonight, and i come in here and find you eating like this. i mean, i expect this from emilia, but not you." lorelai says, so rory raises her pinkie and continues eating.
"there you go."
"being a lady is hard." rory complains.
"so tonight, what's the consensus?" lorelai asks.
"the fan dance was humiliating, i'm never curtsying again, but having dad around was great."
"yeah, it was."
"he's got a new girlfriend, you know." rory hesitantly mentions.
"sherri."
"yeah."
"poor girl's named after a journey song, that's gotta be rough." emilia says.
"he seems happy." rory says.
"he does. he really does."
"i'm glad."
"me too." lorelei agrees somewhat reluctantly.
"i feel kind of bad for grandma, though. she was so into this night, and then she ended up being so miserable."
"don't worry. she'll have more fun at the next one." lorelai quips.
"excuse me?"
"yes, we have you signed up for the next six balls."
"not funny."
"hey, you're doing this until you bring home a prize."
"ignoring you now."
luke walks over with lorelai's burger and gives it to her.
"so, back from the ball, huh?" he asks lorelai.
"yes, i left behind a glass slipper and a business card in case the prince is really dumb."
"good and desperate thinking."
"thank you."
emilia sees jess as he walks down the stairs and starts laughing.
"um, lucas..." emilia points at jess while barely holding in her laugh.
"what?" luke asks her, and she gestures to jess, dressed exactly like luke, as he starts to clean the counter.
"what do you think you're doing?" luke asks him.
"working."
"so you think this is funny, huh?"
"yes." emilia answers at the same time that jess says "i'm sorry. i thought this was the uniform."
"okay, you know what, that's fine. have your little joke, you know. it doesn't bother me at all. you just go over there and clean that table, okay? i'm ignoring you. you do not exist."
"okay." jess sings songs and starts cleaning exactly like luke, who looked about ready to commit murder any second.
"that's it, get upstairs and change." luke turns to jess and points to the stairs.
"whatever you say uncle luke."
"it's luke, just luke. mister luke. in fact, don't address me at all."
all three girls burst out into laughter but attempt to stifle it when luke gives them all a harsh look.
as jess starts walking upstairs he makes eye contact with emilia, and smiles.
•••
emilia's dress: