TW : Death, loss
Yawning as he rose from his bed, Eren regretted that decision, longing for the warmth beneath the covers, so welcoming compared to the gloomy, wet day he could see out the window. Not only that, but he was one hundred percent allowed to sleep in since it was the weekend.
It was too late though, the colder temperature outside of his bed had seeped into his bones, fully waking him up.
The mattress next to his bed was empty, carefully folded clothes in the center of the bed, neatly made up, not a single corner undone. When that bed would be left messily, that's when he would know something was wrong. Eren smiled at the thought, popping his muscles the way his mother told him not to, bending his fingers in half to the left, making sure to complete his morning stretching routine. He padded to the bathroom, ready to get the lost warmth back with a steaming hot shower. He preferred the heat to the cold, no matter what the situation.
Unless it was ice-cream in the summer, that was a sacred delight he couldn't forsake for his heat preference. Ice-cream anywhere, anytime, as long as it wasn't the carrot-pumpkin-cucumber flavored ice-cream. He had tested it with Armin last summer, and it was just ... wrong. Sending Armin to go get his ice-cream was a terrible idea, since Eren pointed out the "orange one", next to the other "orange one" containing apricot, mango and nectarines. And as payback for the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Ice Cream Eren had once picked out for him, Armin happily chose the orange vegetable one, skipping back to Eren, pure joy radiating from his smile as he watched Eren's mouth curl into disgust at his first taste.
He still needed to get back at Armin for that one. When he would be on speaking terms with them again.
He knew how ridiculous his decisions were, but he couldn't help himself.
Running his hand through his tousled hair, he began to think of a way to approach Armin and Mika.
The bathroom was filled with the strong scent of cinnamon and apple, the pleasurable odor wafting around Eren. He smiled, enjoying the smell.
Then a memory tickled him, the same, teasing and comforting scent, fading into the past as he tried to pull the memory back into his grasp. One he didn't recall crossing before.
His smile dropped as his mind drew in the fragments of the memory, linking them up, into an unbreakable picture of a disaster.
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"Levi Ackerman !! What the hell ??" yelled Eren, entering the room with a bang.
Levi rose his head, looking at Eren passively, who was in a panicked rage. "Good morning to you too, Jaeger brat."
"You didn't tell me ! I remember now ! Why didn't you say anything ? The smell, and that taste !"
"I can't understand a single shred of your incoherent rambling, so sit, and breathe. You're shit at it." Levi grabbed his shoulders, steering him in front of the couch, plopping him onto the white leather.
"You know what I'm talking about," pressed Eren, giving in to his lungs' request for oxygen. "That night. Like, that night."
"Oh so you remember now. What do you remember ?"
"The way you smelled."
"That's creepy as fuck."
"I know. I mean, yeah. Yeah it is. But I had never smelt it - you - before."
"You're digging yourself into a hole. Stop talking about my body odor. "
Eren veered to a pink, rose colored blush. He cleared his throat, moving backwards into the sofa. "You kissed me."
"It was a dare."
"Still !"
"You asked me to."
"I asked you to ? Are you sure you weren't drunk too ? I would never ask you to do that, and you would definitely never do what I asked ..." He drifted off, feeling uncomfortable under Levi's dominating stare.
"Maybe you dreamt it all, you tend to have a terrible memory."
"No need to insult me when I feel like ... something."
"At least you don't feel like nothing. I would be heartbroken to learn you felt nothing when I kissed you," fired back Levi sarcastically.
The brunette was prepared to back down and drop the matter as he usually did, when he suddenly got a surge of courage, a shot of adrenaline. "So you wanted me to feel something ? Is that why you did it on your own accord ? As far as I can recall - which isn't that much - you were never forced to do it."
"I couldn't care less whether you felt something or not, you begged me with your puppy eyes to do it."
"I don't do puppy eyes !"
"I'm sure someone has a picture of it. And you know why you wanted me to kiss you ?"
"No, and I don't want to know."
Levi looked at Eren coldly, arms crossed over his chest. "Then you can fucking go and take your little souvenirs with you, it's not a big deal."
"You kissing me without my permission ?? Heck yeah it is !" Eren began to yell, rising from his seat, towering over.
"I don't think that's the problem here."
"And why the hell not do you think that ?"
"Because you don't swear unless it's something that really bothers you."
"What tells you that really doesn't bother me ? Stop defusing the situation ! Will you just get angry like a normal person ?" Eren shouted, jaw clenched, causing tremors to cross upwards in the upper side of his lip.
"Like a normal person," repeated Levi, shadows over his eyes.
"That's not what I meant, Levi ... I just want you to get angry ! But raised voice angry type of shit !"
"Then yell all you want at me, but I'm not raising my voice. "
Eren's mouth dropped open a moment, before he let out an incredulous, mirthless smile, and began to vent, lighting the fuse to the bomb that consisted in his restless emotions. "Why don't you shout, it's so much easier to get carried away, to not feel like shit while being angry, because I know I shouldn't be angry, but I can't help it, I am fucking sick and tired of keeping my mouth shut even though it's my fault I keep it closed, it's so fucked up, I'm fucked up, you know it, everyone does, I'm such a bad person."
Eren's breathing grew erratic, hot, angry, torn tears welling up in his eyes, his straight white teeth ready to break into each other with how tightly he was clenching them together.
Levi remained in his spot, no longer relaxed, looking readied to jump up if needed, carefully watching Eren crumble in front of him. He didn't say anything, letting Eren pour out the tension spiking in his heart. It hurt to see him like this, but Levi let it go on, knowing Eren needed it, and that in this case, he might be the best person to rant to. His mother would be caring and worried, causing Eren to take a lengthened guilt trip afterwards ; Mikasa and Armin weren't an option at the moment ; Grisha was out of the question, and that left no one else in the meantime that Levi knew for certain Eren trusted. The raven felt like he had Eren almost entirely read, after such a short time, especially if you counted the long days of utter silence between them. Sure, Eren had opened up, but Levi's gut was clearly telling him something was up, something a lot deeper than what Eren presented and hid on the surface.
It reminded Levi of his mother, his sweet, kind, but betrayed mother, that Carla painfully reminded him of. The last image he had of Kuchel was a body ravaged by cancer and pain, covered in the plain, stained white sheets Levi had tried so hard to scrub out that morning. Small red splotches dotted the sheets where the shape of her hand lay, from the deep cut she got when she attempted to force her weak and trembling hands to chop up carrots for dinner. The carrots ended up scattered on the floor along with the chipped plastic chopping board, and the knife that sliced through her hand like butter. And with it all, her stick-thin body, draped in what had become a sorry excuse of a hospital gown Levi had borrowed forever from Petra's grandmother, sworn to silence.
Kuchel had violently refused to wear it, until she had to concede she could no longer get dressed properly, no longer tie up the buttons on her soft woolen cardigan that Levi had bought for her with his meager wage.
Seeing his bed-ridden mother in such a state provoked tsunamis of hatred for the man who had given birth to Levi.
How he hated him.
How he hated the resemblance between his mother's tears and those of Eren.
Choking back every ounce of his memories, he focused on Eren, keeping his mind blank as he so wonderfully worked on for months after her death crushed his entire world.
Eren was on the verge of collapsing, color draining from his face, another similarity Levi noticed between him and Kuchel, that he rapidly kicked out of his mind as quickly as it had come.
"My dad won't even pay attention to how I feel, I'm always the one doing it, and I can't seem to make him understand that it fucking hurts to be treated like that ! And the worst thing is, he might've been doing it to him too, and what if because of me, he wasn't able to set things straight with him ? Because I did it ! It's my fault ! I -" Eren paled entirely, not a sound coming out of his mouth, before he collapsed into Levi's outstretched arms, face wet with his cries.
He buried his face into Levi's shoulder, and a few seconds later, his eyes dropped closed, his breathing slowing, puffs of air slipping through his parted lips. He looked worn out.
Levi hauled him up into his lap, lifting and twisting to bring Eren to a lying-down position, carefully placing his head resting on his knees. He pulled the bottom of his sleeve up to his fingers, slowly soaking up the small beads of sweat formed on Eren's tanned skin.
He wanted to doubt his decision of allowing Eren to work himself up, partly to convince himself that it wasn't so bad, partly because it did cause the teenager to faint. If he did authorize the doubt to creep up and consume him, then he wouldn't be much of a help to Eren.
All he wanted was for the brunette to be okay, to feel better.
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"Run, quick, Eren, before the monster eats you !"
The brunette let out a squeal, giggling madly as he half ran, half tripped in the sand, his little feet sinking into what seemed like a desert to him, his father chasing after him, holding the strings to the blue and white shark-shaped kite. It was his favorite kite, because he loved the sea, and the unbeatable sharks lurking in the ocean. He dreamt of meeting one, but his parents only let him see them in aquariums. They weren't even proper sharks ! He even got a shark suit for his birthday, although that oversized, bright blue horror that had a shark's head and huge teeth for a hood remained safely buried in the closet, never to be taken out again. The hood was so large, it covered the entirety of his face, and thanks to that, he walked into a wall on his way to show the costume to his parents.
Needless to say, his parents agreed with him when Eren admitted he didn't like it.
He would stick to his kite, thank you very much.
"Nooo no no no !" Eren yelped, as Grisha caught up to him, hoisting him up into the air, spinning him around in his arms, the now forgotten kite laying on the sand behind him, gently blown away by the breeze, so unimportant compared to his youngest son, the innocent little brunette with the sparkling mermaid eyes.
"Oh yes yes yes !" he laughed, tickling the tanned tummy beneath the boy's infectious smile.
"Oh yes, yes, yes," Grisha grinned viciously, his warm smile morphing into an evil, malicious grin.
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Eren awoke with a start in the darkness, sweat beading on his forehead, the feeling of a blanket over his body so calming, the warmth underneath him soothing his thumping heart that was reacting to the deformed memories in his mind. He shivered in displeasure, not wanting his mostly tender childhood memories to be soiled by his mind deciding to modify and destroy the little world he had when he was younger, that sanctuary of happiness that brutally exploded that day.
He sighed, leaning into the pillow underneath his head, longing for quiet in his mind. As he slowly woke up, he realized that once again, for the billionth time, he was sleeping with Levi.
Again.
On him this time.
Will I ever fail to be an embarrassment ? I'm having meltdowns in front of him, and to add to it, I'm sleeping on him ! Again !
He knew he should probably move his head and get off of him, although, as much as he felt awkward admitting it, he felt comfortable, and safe with Levi. He had become someone he could lean on - quite literally too.
Eren turned over, freeing the wrist wearing his watch, glancing at the time showing it was three in the morning, and deciding he would stay on Levi's knees because he honestly did not want to move.
Looking up at the raven, he had a minute of silence to appreciate the sacrifice Levi made, falling asleep sitting up, without moving.
He looked peaceful as he slept, his marble features looking almost surreal, so beautiful that Eren felt a sudden urge to touch that perfect skin to make sure it was real. It was a strange feeling, curling up his stomach, inching up to his throat.
He repressed the feeling, snuggling backwards into Levi's stomach, his eyes slowly closing as he nodded off.
He couldn't shake the fluttering remains of the sensation, but he decided to sleep and deal with it the next day - later on that day if you wanted to be picky. Which he was not.
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Aand now I'm just impatient to write the rest of the story. However, I have exams coming up really soon, so I'll probably post after that ... Me and schedules have a love-hate relationship, and it never works out between us -_-
I hope you all had amazing holidays, and Happy New Year !
- Val