"How could she do this to me? How could she do this to me? How could she do this to me?"
That was the only thought that was going on in his mind round and round from the moment Sivaangi left.
He sat down on the sofa looking around with a brain freeze, unable to think of anything else.
It felt like someone had inserted a hand inside his chest cavity, crushing his heart slowly and painfully, making him suffer every single minute.
As if that wasn't enough his brain started rewinding that day's event.
The way he looked at Mika when she opened the door, the way she called her Ashwineyy in the same tone as Sivaangi.
"How could she let someone else call me Ashwineyy like that? Isn't that something unique to her? Would she be happy if I had called Sivaathmika as Aathmika Ma? How could she share something so personal that easily?"
The next second his mind went to the way he pulled her and hugged her making his bile raise from his stomach to his throat.
He looked at his hands. When he pulled her closer and hugged her from behind his hands were definitely not on her waist but above making him want to break his hand now. He punched the glass coffee table so hard that it cracked and his hand started bleeding.
How uncomfortable Mika would have felt that she had to rush to the rest room, his eyes started welling up with the mere thought of it.
"Naan appadi patta aala Sivaangi Ma? Enna poi ippadi.. ?" tears started flowing down his eyes, competing with the blood in his hand
When Ashwin and Sivaangi are together it is his favorite pass time to admire her secretly when she is busy or not looking.
It started with admiring her antics, her come backs, spontaneity and slowly progressed to physical admiration which started with her face and then progressed as the physical intimacy level between them increased.
Even that day when Mika was busy helping him to cook and mix the flour for muffin, he was admiring her secretly, his eyes scanning her body thinking her as Sivaangi, reminding him of his birthday, making him imagine things that any normal love smitten fiancée would do.
But now realizing that it was not Sivaangi, and he had imagined all those things looking at Sivaathmika's body, he felt like a pervert and that thought made him hate himself.
And then to top it all, the kiss, it was not Mika who initiated it but it was him, and he didn't just initiate it but enjoyed it, got lost in it as always, until Mika pulled herself away from him and that is when he realized his mistake.
He felt like even now he could feel her tongue in his mouth and his inside hers, making something twist in his stomach badly. He immediately rushed to the restroom and started vomiting into his closet.
He got up, cleaned his tongue and brushed his teeth until his gum bled, came out feeling devastated.
He came back and sat on his sofa.
Ashwin is a hardcore introvert with extreme trust issues, even though genetics could be attributed to the former, the latter part was introduced by his loved ones starting from his parents.
The struggles, betrayals, back biting(s), trash talking(s), abandonments he faced in the industry and within his family, solidified his already rocky introvert heart so much that he had built a bomb shelter around it, not wanting to let any one in ever again. After all when your own mother can hurt you so much, why won't others.
But one little chirpy bird came and broke it down completely brick by brick, making him love himself again, making him trust others, showed him the goodness in people, made him connect with them. She became the guidance compass who brought him out of his darkness and showed him the beauty of the world, replacing the bomb shelter with a flowery garden.
Even though he got many people now, be it in the industry or in his family including his parents, she is the asthivaram, the basement and today, with the same hands she had built it she had broken it down to pieces, bringing his entire life crashing down pushing him back to the shell from which she had pulled him out.
Ashwin had always and will always be a man of principles, he had never let his morals and ethics sway even for the sake of acting. He had never smoked a cigarette, taken a drink or acted inappropriately with woman even if it is just for a scene, he had been strong in these aspects even at the cost of his career.
For such a man, what happened today became an unforgivable act, how much ever he tried to convince himself that it was just a mistake, his inherent nature did not let it slide that easily.
Would it be considered just a mistake if the genders were reversed? or if they didn't look exactly like each other?
Sivaangi need not have created such a prank in the first place, even if she did owing to her playful nature, Mika being the more matured one should have thought this through and even if she didn't right away, she could have at least put an end to all of it any time she felt Ashwin's intimacy.
No, both of them just thought it will be ok to prank and have fun with a man's feelings and let him make a fool out of himself.
He is ready to ignore Mika's mistake even, but how could Sivaangi, his Sivaangi thought it was ok to do this to him, especially after they had reached this level of intimacy.
What if he had gone beyond kissing? would it be still called a mistake? How could she have put him in this position.
At least they have each other and a set of supportive parents to talk it out, vent it out, who do I have other than her?
"Enna anaadhaya ippadi thavikka vittutaye Sivaangi ma, ellathayum kuduthutu, ella sandhoshathayum kaatitu, neeye ippadi ellathayum pudingittu poittaye" his heart bled.
The questions, thoughts, arguments kept revolving around Ashwin's head making him feel dizzy
He slowly looked on the floor, there was a small pool of blood that had formed from his bleeding hand. He took a deep breath, wiped his tears and got up. His body almost swayed in weakness, he had not eaten anything from morning, and whatever little he had had come out as vomit, to top it all, the mental stress and loss of blood had drained him completely.
He looked at his hand, it definitely needed stitches and now the adrenaline pumped in his body due to the stress had started coming down, he started feeling the pain.
He just hoped he had not fractured it in his fury, if that had happened his shoot might get cancelled, after all his career is the only thing left in his life now.
He took a bandage from the first aid kit and tied his hand as much as he could with one hand, tears continuously flowing down his eyes.
"Oru vela en mela dhaan thappa? adhunaala dhaan ellarum enna easy ah hurt panniraangla? first appa amma, apporam friends, ippo Sivaangi. Oruthar pannina avanga mela thappu, ellarun pannina? appo yen mela dhaane edho prachanai? naan dhaane seri illanu artham? may be I am destined to be alone, a loner, whenever I do any thing to change that I end up terribly getting hurt, if being loner is what God has written for me so be it" he decided with a deep breath.
He came out of his room, made himself a cup of coffee with single hand, the pain from other one slowly becoming excruciating.
Once that hot beverage entered his body, his mind slowly started clearing up, he knew despite today's incident he can never bring himself to hate Sivaangi or stop loving her, but he definitely need a break from all this for time being at least
He looked around the house, some how not knowing who to blame for today's incidents, he blamed the house.
I need space and time to think clearly and come to a decision, without any intervention or entities that remind me of the incidents.
He took out his mobile and pre pone the flight to a late night one from next day morning.
He then called the manager of their chennai branch.
"Uncle, I am planning to vacate this house, but I am leaving to London tonight, can you take care of it?" he asked
"Kandippa thambi, pudhu address kudunga, neenga varathukulla ellam set panni vetchuren" replied the manager
"Pudhu veedu innum paakala uncle, inime rent elaam venaam, neengale konjam veedu paathu vainga, vandhu I will finalize one of them for buying" replied Ashwin.
"Seri pa endha area la paakara?" asked the manager
"Idhey area dhaan uncle, naane nenachaalum I cannot leave her" replied Ashwin
"Her ah? yaaru thambi?" asked the manager curiously, making Ashwin realize his slip
"Her illa uncle, here sonnen" he saamalichified.
"Seri pa, appo things ellaam enna pannatum?" again the manager asked
"Coimbatore veetuku anupidunga uncle, illa ungalukku edhavadhu venumna eduthukonga, new house kku set aagara maari naan apporam vera vaangikaren" replied Ashwin.
"Seri pa" replied the manager before hanging up.
He looked at his phone, he was so tempted to call her, but a part of him was scared, already too many words had been let out and if Sivaangi says something that diminishes his emotions thinking it as fun, that will definitely create more rift between them.
"Not now, let us both calm down, we both need time and she should also realize how much I had been hurt by her actions. I will finish this shoot, come back and then talk to her" he told himself, not knowing he is not going to be able to for approximately another four years.
Author's Note:
Hello hello!
What do you guys think about Ashwin's point of you?
The Ashwin in this story is an equalist, according to him consent means from both sides, not something that is entitled for women alone and what happened that day made him feel like violation of his privacy, forcing him to be intimate with another women without his consent. In his books that is an unforgivable offence, yet he is not able to completely hate Sivaangi as he would have if it had been anyone else in her place. He did not abandon her, he just needed time to process things in his own introvert loner way.
Also the thing to keep in mind is, Ashwin doesn't know about the pregnancy, according to him he is leaving behind his fiancée who according to him is not going to go anywhere.
The major problem here is, both of them took each other for granted, Sivaangi thought it is ok to let another girl get close to her man in spite of knowing Ashwin's character and Ashwin thought she will be waiting for him when he is back even though he decided to leave without a note.
This is what broke them apart, not the actual incidents itself.
I am wrapping the past with this chapter, but past is not done yet. There is so much more to be told, I have skipped so many parts to break the suspense, and every single one of them will peep in between the present. But from now on present will be the main story flow.
So now your thoughts, opinion and comments please, not only about this chapter, but about the entire story flow..
How do you guys like the story till now? Share it with me in the comments section and shower your encouragements as always via votes
Love,
DV