Sana
People were afraid of facing or thinking about the 'what ifs'.
What if I held onto her more, what if I chose someone else, what if I chose to prioritize myself, what if I fought for the one thing that I've wanted for so long? There are so many questions connected to those two words. And we were all being tormented by those kinds of thoughts, all the while thinking about what we could have done better, only to realize in the end that no matter how much we think about it, there's nothing we can do because it's already over. It was simple, but we just don't want to accept the reality of that.
However, what hurts me the most is the word 'Almost'.
It was like the cousin of 'What if'.
The feeling of being so close to what you wanted, but never got to the end point. Like when something that you really want is in front of you, but you never got the chance to reach it. It was heartbreakingly painful to think about how much we could have made it.
We almost made it.
And what made it worse for me is that I always see my 'almost'.
No matter what I do, that word seems to follow me everywhere. As a reminder of something that should've been, something that I should have.
I couldn't understand why people always ask me the word, 'Why?'
I mean, what is that for? Why do I love Dahyun? Why do I still hold on to what we used to have? Or Why can't I move on? There are endless questions.
But the thing is, when it comes to Dahyun. It's just pretty simple. There's no reason. It just is.
So, I ignored the signs.
What Dahyun and I had was slowly fading, slowly turning to dust. And I didn't know exactly when we had drifted apart, or what was the reason behind all of that. All I knew was that one day, she just came home and something definitely shifted. I tried everything that I could to get her attention to no avail. I even suggested a lot of activities that we can do, the things we normally enjoyed when we first started to date, but she refused it all. She always tells me that she needs to do something at the office, or she's too tired to do anything.
It was as if every way that I could think of, she also found a way to refuse.
For months, I tried whatever I could. But she turned down every single one of them.
There are a lot of times that I fall asleep crying, thinking about anything that I probably could've done to upset her or hurt her for her to act this way. But no matter how hard I tried to remember, I couldn't really tell what happened. It's like she just doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.
But I still held on.
I ignored the signs.
Even if I felt her slip away. I felt her pull away, while I tried so hard to hold on. I felt her slowly falling out of love with me.
Dahyun
"Dahyun, can we talk?" Tzuyu called out. I sighed before turning to her, looking at her in question.
"What?" I grunted.
"I heard about what happened last time with Sana."
I raised a brow at her and scoffed. "Of course, you'd know. You always make it a point to insert yourself in Sana's life."
She sighed, "Do you know that Sana is still trying so hard to wait for you?" Tzuyu pointed out. "Unlike you, she still wants to save your relationship, no matter how impossible it seems. But why? Why does it feel like you're just making us all believe that you don't want to save your marriage too?"
I snorted, "And why do you think that?" I asked, tone mocking and arms crossed as I began tapping my leg impatiently.
"Because if you didn't, why are you still bothering her? Why don't you just let her go for her to find happiness?" She said, staring back at me.
"That's not why I go to her."
"Then why are you stopping her from looking for someone who can take care of her?"
"Because I owe it to her to protect her. I was unable to protect her from myself, and even asked for a divorce, so I won't let just anyone get her." I replied, looking away.
"No." Tzuyu replied, and I whipped my head looking back at her. "You owe her nothing. You left her and you want a divorce. If you really wanted that, then you could easily walk away. But you only did it halfway. If you really wanted a divorce, then continue walking away. You act like it's a chore to go to her and be with her, but in reality, you just can't admit that you made a mistake and you're not willing to let her go and see her with someone else. You're unsure of walking away fully because you still think that she's the best thing that ever happened to you."
I stayed silent, unable to answer.
"If you have nothing to say, that's fine. But if you really wanted to leave her, then just do it and let her be with someone who can actually take care of her and be with her until the end. This will be my last warning to you, Kim. If you want to stay, then stay. But if not, just walk away. Don't prolong her agony. Break it off and let Sana grieve and move on cause right now? You're causing her more pain because of the false hope that you're giving her. Don't be an upgraded asshole than how you are right now." She said quickly leaving me, and my mind in a jumble.
I actually do know how to answer her, but the words just won't come out.
She would always be worth it for me, it's just that I am stupid to think that I am worth it too. And maybe I was so afraid of her leaving me, that I made her leave myself.
_______
When I got home, I saw that the lights were on. Maybe it's the cleaners.
But I instantly felt those honey brown eyes that I once loved so much staring daggers at me. One leg was crossed over the other and her arms were crossed in front of her.
I don't even know how she could even look at me after I hurt her again.
"You're in my apartment, why?" I finally spoke, with a tilt of my head.
She rolled her eyes, "No need to be rude, I just came to make sure of something."
"And you couldn't text or call me?"
"As if you'll answer my text or call." She said, narrowing her eyes, maintaining her original position on the couch.
"I suppose not."
"Exactly. I've already been here longer than I liked, so I'll cut to the chase. I am just here to make sure that we're still going to Jeju-do this weekend." My brows shot up in surprise, I almost forgot about that. And when I did not answer, she continued, "I was planning to buy some things for her and your father, and you could just pick it up at my house."
"I don't even know what to bring there, or what's the occasion of us going to Jeju-do." I said.
"So you won't go?"
"I was actually thinking of just giving them a surprise, since they are not really fond of me right now—"
"You'll just buy their love?"
"You make it sound like I'm doing a crime. I am not 'buying' their love. I just want to spoil them."
She scoffed, "Then you should just give them your time."
"Alright, alright..."
"I cooked pasta by the way, you can just reheat it if you like."
I frowned in confusion. She cooked for me?
"Sure. Do you want to eat it with me?"
It's her turn to frown, then she answered, "Uh— No thanks, Jeongwoo might be looking for me now. I better get going."
"Well, at least get some. I'm pretty sure you cooked a lot, and I might not be able to finish them all." I already walked to the kitchen, not waiting for her response.
While I was taking the food out of the refrigerator, I heard Sana shout, "Dahyun, someone's calling."
"Could you answer it, please?" I shouted back.
After a minute or two, I heard footsteps, and when I turned around, her face was crumpled up. "Irene was asking what time you would pick her up for the Jeju-do trip."
Oh, shoot.
"Just please tell her that I'll call her later about—"
She did not even let me finish the sentence and just walked away.
And when I finished preparing the food, Sana was already gone.
Sana
Of course.
Of course, she would bring Irene with her.
Stupid.
What's more stupid is the way I was like a dog playing fetch with my neglectful master. I literally offer her my heart only for her to throw it far away so that she won't have to deal with me, and then as a dutiful dog, I'll get it and bring it back to her.
Pathetic.
"What's so sad about packing your clothes?" It was Tzuyu.
I instantly whipped my head towards her voice. "What— why are you here?"
"I was ringing your doorbell for the past ten minutes now, so I decided to just use the spare key that you gave me for emergency purposes." Tzuyu explained as she shrugged.
I looked at her and couldn't help but tear up again. Why can't I just love Tzuyu?
"Hey, hey... What's wrong?" Tzuyu was beside me in a flash, arms wrapped around me with one hand holding my head in place.
"I don't know what to do anymore. She said that she wanted me to wait, but what am I really waiting for? She will even bring Irene with us tomorrow. I know that Irene has every right to be there, but it just hurts so much, Tzuyu." I buried my face on her chest to muffle my cries. I'll deal with the embarrassment later as I continue to soak her shirt with tears.
"If you're going to ask me, my answer would be the same, and that is to let Dahyun go, but I know that you're not ready for that conversation, and I don't want to be another burden to you, so I'll just hold you while you're breaking and I promise to always be there while you pick up your pieces." Tzuyu replied as she continued stroking my hair.
"I'm sorry." I sniffled. "I'm sorry if I don't have the strength to take another step away from her. I'm sorry if I'm hurting you too."
"You don't have to apologize to me. You did nothing wrong, you were upfront, and you never lied to me about what you feel. But I just can't let you like this all alone. I am still your friend."
I just continued crying, unable to formulate a response. I just feel like I'm a broken record, always defending my love for Dahyun, or always apologizing for hurting the people around me.
After a while, she asked, "Are you almost done packing?" looking at the bags filled with my things and Jeongwoo's and I rolled my eyes at her, because she knows full well that I'm not even halfway done.
"What do you think?"
She just laughed at me, "No need to be sarcastic. How about I prepare our food, then you finish that?"
She was about to leave the room when I stopped her. She shouldn't be here. I want her here, but I don't want Jeongwoo to suffer the consequences. "I thought... we cleared it out that I can't have you here, Tzuyu?"
"It's not as if Dahyun would be going here at this hour. She's probably busy doing other things. Don't worry, I'll just help you tonight then I'll go." She smiled at me without a care in the world, then she approached me and kissed my forehead which made me blush. "Now, can you handle this simple task of preparing for your things?"
I gasped with a faux sense of offence as I placed a hand on my chest, shooting her a look that she rolled her eyes at. "Of course!" I pouted, "I was able to take care of Jeongwoo on my own, of course I could take care of this."
She laughed before putting a hand on my head, "Alright, alright! I'll get Jeongwoo then."
Since my mind has an extra time to think about things, I suddenly remembered my trip to my psychiatrist because of what happened with Dahyun last time.
"Are you planning on contacting her after this?" she asked, looking at me with full concern.
"I'm sorry, I was out of it. Could you repeat the question please?" My mind had been running rampant and if I'm being honest, it's been out of control since Dahyun left me after saying those hurtful words.
"What is your plan, Sana? Are you still going after Dahyun?" she repeated, writing something down on her notepad.
"I— no, I don't know."
Ms. Park set down her pen and took her glasses off the bridge of her nose, setting them on the table in front of her.
"Sana, tell me your thoughts."
I straightened my posture and replied, "That's exactly what I'm doing."
"No, you are just giving me answers to my questions, that's not telling me how you feel."
I almost scoffed, but then I remembered that it is what I needed exactly. To talk about my feelings.
"To start, I miss her terribly, but it's not like I never see her regularly. That's the main issue, I see her almost everyday, and I'm not sure if I'm annoyed by that or if I like the feeling. It will just be the same thing that you hear about me for the past two years. As for my work, it's going well, I guess? There's no movement or promotion happening. I've had no creative thoughts, and I don't know what I should do to attract positivity in my life. The only thing that is good for me is the way Jeongwoo is turning out to be a very good and intelligent kid. I don't know what else to say to you or what to do with my life. I feel like it's just circling and circling to no end!" I was out of breath after I finished ranting, and I was a little thankful for her for not looking at me as if I lost my mind already because that's how I exactly feel.
She just looked over to me curiously as if deciding what to say to me, or what to do to help me.
"I think you need a change."
This time, I couldn't help but scoff. "A change? My life was turned upside down. I don't know what kind of change you need my life to have, I don't need another change."
"You may think that, but trust me, Sana. You do. You don't need to do something drastic, just even a very small change to your routine."
"Like what?"
"A change of scenery? A new friend? For what I gathered, you were such a social butterfly before. But since you married Dahyun, you somewhat became reserved and you preferred to stay inside your own bubble with her. And you seem to have trouble having that spark that you have before. But I'm pretty sure that you can find your old self locked away inside you, waiting for you to let it out."
I tried so hard not to feel offended by what she said, "Are you saying that there's something wrong with how I am right now?"
She smiled at me softly, "Nothing is wrong with you, Sana, but you seemed to have convinced yourself that there is."
I don't have any answer to that, probably because her words hit home. That is exactly what I think I am. Damaged good. And I don't want to acknowledge that.
I glanced at the clock above her head and sighed out in relief. I grabbed my bag that lay next to me and stood up, swinging it over to my shoulder.
"It's time for me to go, Ms. Park."
"Jihyo. I'd like you to call me Jihyo, if that's okay with you. It may help you talk to me like a friend, rather than talking to a professional. It's comfortable that way too. And I've been seeing you for two years now, Sana, I think we're past the formalities." she smiled warmly at me.
"Okay, Jihyo, I believe our time is up for the day, so I'll get going."
"See you next week. Enjoy the rest of your day."
________
"Dinner is ready, Sana. Come on." Tzuyu called out to me while she's carrying Jeongwoo. My son opened his arms indicating that he wanted me to carry him which I gladly accepted. I took him from Tzuyu and we headed towards the kitchen.
As soon as my son was inside my arms, he whispered, "I missed Auntie Tzuyu, will she come here again?"
I just kissed his forehead and smiled at him. I'd love that too, baby.
"You should eat a lot tonight, Jeongwoo. We will go see your grandma tomorrow, would you like that?" He nodded enthusiastically as he waved the spoon and fork that he's holding. "Well then, you must eat everything on your plate, okay? Even the vegetables." It was a good thing that my son was not a picky eater. It definitely lessened my worries because I was able to buy cheaper food because of it.
And as he promised, he was able to finish everything that I gave him. I'm really lucky to have him as my son.
"Wow! You're really a good boy, aren't you?" Tzuyu said, praising my son's appetite. "And because of that, I have a gift for you!"
"Tzuyu—"
Tzuyu was out of the kitchen before I could even protest, and she was back in an instant. She handed a toy car to Jeongwoo. "Here you go!"
My son jumped in delight as he always wanted to have the same exact model of the toy car. I was touched by the way Tzuyu remembers it.
"Thank you." I mouthed to her, and she just smiled in response, as she rumpled Jeongwoo's hair.
"Go, play with your toy, honey." I told Jeongwoo, but he took his plate to the sink before running to the living room. Such a good boy.
I turned around and caught Tzuyu staring at me, "What?"
"It's just that you're so beautiful when you're smiling."
"Oh, stop it." I told her as I hit her arms slightly. "I'm just happy whenever I see my son happy."
"I know." she said meaningfully.
After we finished the dishes, we were confused when we're not hearing any loud noises from Jeongwoo. It turns out that he slept while playing. I poked his cheek softly but he didn't even budge— he must've been so exhausted— and I am too, but I am more used to staying up so late at night. I brushed his hair slightly before placing a soft kiss on his forehead.
"I'll bring him to his room, then I better get going so that you'll get some rest." Tzuyu said as she lifted Jeongwoo.
I know that she misses my son, mainly because she's always been the one who's with him most of the time. I'm mostly at the office, and Tzuyu being a rich kid doesn't even need to stay at her office to work, so she always volunteers to fetch Jeongwoo from school.
"Thank you," I told Tzuyu again after she tucked Jeongwoo in bed, smiling at her gratefully.
"No need for that. You know that you two are somehow my 'home' now." she said.
It hurts how she said that word, since I still can't call someone like that, because there's still this void and the only one who was able to get that title from me doesn't feel like being that to me anymore. It was difficult for me to even explain it to myself. And I couldn't even answer Jeongwoo when he asks where his Dada is. All I could tell him is that she's busy with business.
"I'm just happy that you're here, Tzuyu."
"Then don't make me go away again."
I sighed. "I wish it was that easy. Maybe after this vacation, I'll have some clarity."
"I personally think that you need more than the weekend getaway, but I'll miss you terribly, so just please take care and punch Dahyun if she's being an asshole again."
I giggled. "Even if I could do it physically, I don't think I'm emotionally ready to do that."
She just chuckled, even though I could clearly see the pain from her eyes.
I guess I'm no different from Dahyun.
"Don't overthink it, Sana." That was the last thing that she said before leaving.
______
[The next day]
"Call me if you need anything, Sana." Tzuyu reminded me over the phone, I decided to not push Tzuyu away again, since there's really no reason for me to do that. And in case Dahyun does something drastic, Tzuyu promised that she'll do everything in her power to help me.
I waited for Dahyun since she insisted that we travel together. I let out a big exhale at the prospect of being in the same car with her and her girlfriend. But Jeongwoo needed this too— to be close to his Dada, so I just sucked it up.
"I will. I need to go." I sighed as I saw Dahyun pulling up, she's wearing casual clothes which I missed seeing her in. I looked away.
"Sana." She greeted me in a clipped way but her eyes softened as she saw Jeongwoo who was awake at this time— because of Dahyun's presence, and he groggily looked at her.
"Dada!" He called out, and immediately tried to wriggle his way out of my arm and extended his towards Dahyun. I swallowed but allowed Dahyun to take Jeongwoo from me. She hasn't seen her son for a couple of days, and I would never be the person who will obstruct their reunion.
"Hi baby," she whispers, "Are you tired, honey?"
Jeongwoo just nodded and immediately snuggled Dahyun's chest as I forced myself to look away, distracting myself by lifting the luggages and bringing it to the car.
"Where were you?" Jeongwoo asked Dahyun innocently. "Mommy said you're busy."
"Yeah," Dahyun replied, our eyes meeting for a brief moment before we both looked away. "I missed you so much, buddy."
"Mommy and I missed you too." Jeongwoo pouted, and I didn't even bother to correct him.
I wish Tzuyu was here. I don't think I'll be able to survive this trip. We were not even out of my place and I already wanted to curl up and cry, even though I literally spent a lot of the evening crying at random intervals.
I don't even know why Dahyun's eyes looked sad. I know because I've spent years memorizing the way her eyes look. And it's definitely sadness that I see in her. And the worst part of it is that Jeongwoo would be in the middle of the crossfire, and it's the one that hurts me the most.
My eyes darted to the ground before I opened the door and gestured for Dahyun to put Jeongwoo inside. She was able to quickly set him in the booster seat and placed a pillow that he can use later. She then gave Jeongwoo a kiss on the forehead before moving away from the door for me to enter. After that, I took a deep breath and entered the car. I was greeted by Irene's smiling face. I almost forgot about her. I was unable to see her earlier because Dahyun's car was heavily tinted. I hated myself for forgetting about her.
Dahyun's phone rang, and I heard her say, "Tzuyu." before she closed the door behind me and talked to Tzuyu over the phone. I was unable to hear their conversation, but I think it was a little intense based on the way Dahyun's brows crumpled.
After their talk, she quickly entered the driver's seat as she fastened herself in.
"There is food for Jeongwoo at the back." Dahyun said, breaking the silence, then she looked at Irene and smiled. "I also packed gummies."
"Oh."
"I know that you need them every time you're going on a trip." she said as she started to drive.
Is she freaking insane? Why does she mention something like that in front of Irene? Doesn't she care about what her girlfriend would feel about that?
But I thanked her regardless.
After an hour of driving, I saw that Irene was fast asleep in front, and I was about to sleep when Dahyun suddenly gave her phone to me. "Would you mind choosing a song for me? I might fall asleep." I mindlessly accepted her phone, then she added, "Password's the same."
What the hell?
Her password, the one she had been using since our highschool days no matter how much I nagged her to change it, was my birthdate. She's even using the same phone case that I bought her two years ago. And if it was not enough, when I opened her phone, even her wallpaper, which is our family photo, welcomed me.
I didn't say anything and just opened up her music app. The music app was not different. It still consists of the playlists that I created for us to listen to during car rides.
I don't understand what Dahyun's play is here. It's only been more than an hour, and I'm being reminded that Dahyun would forever be connected with my life. Whether it be Jeongwoo who is now sleeping again, or the fact that Dahyun is still using my birthday as her code, or the damn playlists. It was like she's dead-set on making sure that I won't ever be able to move on.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I told myself over and over.
Since the playlist is random, I did not bother choosing a song and just tapped 'Play.'
The song, "i don't want to watch the world end with someone else" played.
And I, I wish we didn't say goodbye
'Cause we're just standing still
And I don't really know what tomorrow holds
But I've, I've finally realised
If this is our last goodbye until we're gone
Who cares about the wrongs we've 'caused ourselves
'Cause I don't wanna watch the world end with someone else
"You can sleep now, Sana. Thank you." Dahyun said as she looked at me using the rearview mirror.
"Are you sure that you can drive all the way there?" I asked.
I heard her scoff, "Of course. When did I ever make you drive?" She probably didn't realize what she just said, or maybe she just doesn't care about her effect on me. "Don't worry, just get some rest."
Even though I wanted to argue, I know that I would never win against her, and it's not as if she would stop and make me drive. We've argued about this before but in the end she always insists on driving until the end. It annoys me sometimes, but I'm also grateful.
She volunteers to do the hard work, like lifting things, or driving, or fixing things, not because she thought that I can't do it, but because she just wanted to. I could even remember her saying that she just wanted me to focus on taking care of her and Jeongwoo.
But the fact that Irene is also inside the car with us, it only means that what she's doing for me before would definitely be the same for her girlfriend. And the thought brought me back to reality. I almost let myself be deluded by her actions that I forgot that we're literally with her girlfriend right now.
And I know that we'll eventually get divorced.
"Dahyun?" I called.
She hummed in response, still focusing on driving.
"When are you going to sign the papers?"
She did not answer for a little while, but I did catch the way her shoulders stiffened by the question.
"Soon."
I nodded my head and closed my eyes, forcing the tears back.
Just as I thought, everything will be over soon.
*****
A/N: This would probably be the shortest Multi-Chapter story that I'll write.
When it was suggested to me, I didn't think that I would be affected so much by it, and that I would be able to relate to it so much.
But don't worry, everything will be clear in the end.
Let me know your thoughts, and please join my Telegram Channel below, if you want to chat or share your thoughts.
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