TRIGGER WARNING
Hey y'all! I'm so happy to be updating for you! I wanted to put a trigger warning because this chapter depicts a panic attack as well as a hospitalization for mental health. I hope you enjoy it, let me know what you think! Also this is a LONG ass chapter. :)
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I sit on the examination chair trying to steady my racing heart and breathing as the nurse comes to take my blood pressure and pulse. To say I was nervous for this appointment was an understatement. Most women are nervous for their first prenatal appointment, but the selfish part of me doubts they're as nervous as I am at this moment. I know every single thing that could be wrong with this baby. I know every single disease, malformation and genetic error. Every. Single. One. I envy Colton. I know he's nervous but I doubt he's running through a million scenarios in his head about horrible diagnoses, each one worse than the last.
It would be one thing if I had looked up all of these on WebMD before the appointment, but instead all of these scenarios are all too real for me. I've lived every one of them as the doctor, telling unsuspecting mothers that there's nothing I can do. It makes me feel hopeless, more than I care to admit.
I lean against the back of the chair, closing my eyes and taking a deep shaky breath trying to swallow the nausea that has built since arriving at the exam room. Colton seems to notice my extreme discomfort, as I feel his hands grab my clammy ones.
I don't think I've been this anxious in years, and it almost makes me wonder if I'm about to have a panic attack. I can feel Colton rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hands but I refuse to open my eyes and continue to focus on breathing. In the back of my mind I can hear him and the nurse speaking but it feels far from my consciousness. I pray to god that the suffocating pressure in my chest goes away soon, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyelids as someone shakes my shoulders, but at that moment I don't care.
I let my fear swallow me whole in that moment, and I know there's no going back. I can feel myself being laid flat as I finally become aware I'm hyperventilating and shaking, violently. The voices around me seem to become louder, trying to push themselves to the forefront of my mind, but all I can focus on is my heart pounding against my ribs. I feel something cool placed against my forehead as I become more aware of the hands in mine, the ones I'm squeezing the absolute life out of.
A moment later it feels as if the real world comes flooding back in all at once, and the voices around me suddenly become clear. I can hear Colton begging me to open my eyes, begging me to hear him, and I do just that.
I jerk into a sitting position as my eyes open gasping for the air my lungs had been starved of for an unknown amount of time. I feel hands on my shoulders and I look up to meet the eyes of Dr. Fanning, whom I can't even remember entering the room.
"Faye, can you hear me?" She asks, looking into my eyes.
I nod, feeling my breathing and heart rate slow, unfortunately still leaving the pressure in my chest behind.
She looks relieved and takes a step back nodding to the nurse who looked to be hovering over the rapid response button next to the other call buttons on the wall.
That would have been fucking embarassing, the whole floor showing up to watch me have a panic attack.
I finally look over to Colton who looks paler than I remember him looking when we got in here. I look down to our hands, finally realizing his were the ones I was squeezing the life out of and slowly release my death grip.
Before my mind even registers what I'm doing a sob breaks out of me as I shove myself into Colton's lap, not caring that the nurse or Dr. Fanning are in the room. I can see his surprised expression as I lean into his chest but he doesn't say anything as he wraps his arms around me.
No one speaks and I can't tell whether to be thankful or not, as the only sound in the room is my crying.
Colton rubs his hands up and down my back and it helps to ground me. My cries are soon reduced to shaky breaths, and I lift myself from Colton's soaked shoulder and turn to face Dr. Fanning and the nurse, looking at me with a look I haven't seen in a long time, like I'm broken.
"What happened, Faye?" Dr. Fanning asks.
I take a couple more calming breaths as Colton continues to rub my arms before finally speaking.
"I don't know Liz" I say, my voice breaking. "I was sitting here one second and the next I'm spiralling. Every bad thing that could be wrong with this baby came to the forefront of my mind and I couldn't make it stop. I've walked countless women through horrible scenarios and I finally saw myself in their position."
Liz's eye's soften in understanding and I can feel Colton's hold on me tighten.
"Have you suffered panic attacks before?" She asks, turning to grab the blood pressure cuff hanging on the wall.
She doesn't try to move me from Colton and I'm thankful. I'm pretty sure his touch is the one thing that's keeping me grounded at the moment.
I reach out my left arm for her to attach it as I swallow.
"After my parents were killed it was bad. I was committed after their funeral and pumped full of Xanax just to keep me under control. I was finally released after two weeks and had a year of intensive therapy and was on anxiety medication until my final year of medical school. I haven't had a panic attack since I was in undergrad."
She nods in understanding as she takes my blood pressure. I can feel Colton's touch falter for a second as I talk about my mental break and I know this is going to be a long conversation later.
"143/92, pulse of 115, a bit high, but I'm not surprised." Dr. Fanning says, pulling the cuff from my arm.
The nurse who I haven't heard from silently charts in the computer and I struggle to remember if I've ever worked with her before, hoping we won't have to cross paths after this.
"Are you okay to get back on the table?" Dr. Fanning asks softly.
I feel Colton squeeze my shoulders as I slowly get up, moving myself to the now reclined exam chair, Grabbing Colton's hand as soon as I reach the chair.
I lay back taking a deep breath as Dr. Fanning lifts my scrub top, revealing my flat stomach. She palpates around my abdomen and I squeeze Colton's hand tighter. After she's done she helps me sit up, bringing the exam chair to the sitting position again.
"Alright Faye, everything feels fine there. I want to do an internal ultrasound to get a better idea of how far along you are, and hopefully give you some peace of mind."
I nod in response, grabbing the drapes she pulls from the cabinet before she and the nurse leave the room, allowing me to undress.
"Do you want me to wait outside?" Colton asks softly, speaking for the first time since my attack.
I shake my head no. "Nothing you haven't seen before." I say, laughing awkwardly.
He cracks a grin and I can't help but feel guilty. He definitely didn't ask for or deserve any of this.
I quickly pull off my scrub bottoms and underwear before sitting back down on the exam chair with a paper sheet covering me.
Colton takes my hand again and looks to be deciding whether to say something, but before he can Dr. Fanning knocks on the door, making sure it's ok for her to come in.
Once given the all clear, she returns with an ultrasound cart in tow, and thankfully without the nurse.
I tense as she begins to set up the machine, trying to think of anything else as Colton tightens his grip on my hand, seemingly sensing my subtle change.
"Alright Faye, feet in the stirrups for me please." She says calmly.
"You know the drill, it's going to be cold. Please take some deep breaths and try to relax for me- I know it's easier said than done."
I nod in response and try not to let my discomfort show. I keep my head turned away from the screen and on Colton- terrified I'll spot something wrong.
His eyes are glued to the screen, not noticing mine are anywhere but. Before I can process another thought a loud thumping fills the room and I choke out a cry, my eyes instantly snapping to the small screen of the ultrasound machine.
"There you go Faye, a perfectly healthy 9 week fetus." Dr. Fanning says, a huge smile stretching across her face.
I let out a huge breath and the suffocating pressure that has been in my chest since we got here lifts so fast I feel like I'm floating.
I finally tear my eyes away from the screen to look at Colton whose eyes are still glued to the screen. I can see the tears rolling down his face which causes mine to fall harder, this time from relief and happiness instead of pure terror.
Dr. Fanning takes a few pictures and prints them out for us to have before cleaning up and allowing me to change again. After redressing I instantly walk over to Colton, falling into his lap once again.
"It's so real." He says quietly, looking into my eyes, a small smile on his face.
He gives me a quick kiss before placing his hands on my non-existent stomach. "You had me so scared Faye, I had no idea you were that terrified."
I simply nod, letting him know we would continue this conversation later as I make my way back to the exam. Dr. Fanning knocks and returns moments later, this time with the nurse.
"Alright, here are the sonogram pictures." Shey says, handing them to Colton who carefully grabs them. "I'm going to have Maria draw some blood for some routine tests and make sure all your levels are okay since your morning sickness has been bad, but I want to make sure you're okay before we do that."
I nod, twisting my hands together. "I honestly don't know where it came from Liz." I say, almost confused.
"Finding out you're pregnant is anxiety inducing in itself, but doing what we do and knowing every little thing about pregnancy I imagine made it 10x worse for you. Do you see a therapist?" She asks.
I nod in response, "It's the one thing I make time for every week." I say, a slight smile on my face.
Dr. Fanning smirks before her serious face returns. "Alright, I want you to let me know if it seems like your baseline anxiety level gets to be too much to handle, or if the panic attacks persist. It's not uncommon for women to go on anxiety medicine during pregnancy, the whole dynamic of your body is changing."
I nod in agreement, knowing it's the truth. We bid goodbye to Dr. Fanning and I allow the nurse to take my arm and draw blood. She continues to stay quiet, only speaking when she finishes, allowing Colton and I to leave.
Colton and I both stand and he wraps his arm around me before placing a soft kiss on my forehead.
"Do you need anything from your office?" He asks gently.
I nod in response and wordlessly lead him back up to my office where I grab my laptop and notebooks feeling the exhaustion from the panic attack finally set in.
Colton grabs my bag after I finish packing it and slings it over his shoulder before I even have a chance to carry it myself.
"I'll drive you home?" He asks.
I nod. "I'm so tired." I say, my voice truly sounding broken.
"I know baby, I know." He responds before grabbing my hand and leading me to where he parked.
I get in as he goes around to the drivers side and places my bag in the backseat with his briefcase before getting in and grabbing my hand.
"Are you on call this weekend?" He asks softly as I lay my head against the window.
I murmur a no, already almost asleep. As we exit the parking garage, the motion of the car lulls me to sleep, allowing me to finally succumb to my exhaustion.