Sometimes we fall into a slump. There's even times when you know you are in one, but you just can't seem to find your way out of it.
Being in a slump is like being in a dark tunnel. It's pitch black and you can't see a thing, so it's impossible for you to get out. Though, you know there's a way out. You just need guidance. You need some sort of light.
So maybe that's what you need to get out of a slump. A light to guide you. Maybe it's a person. Whatever it may be, let it do it's job. Let it guide you back to a normal life.
Let it guide you to safety.
Just don't ever push it away. Don't make them leave. It could be the biggest mistake if you do. You might not get out of your slump.
But what if you already have?
Then what?
I appreciate all of you for waiting for this entry. I know it's been a while since I've done my column but life has gotten a tad bit rough lately. Thank you for you concern.
-Silent girl
~~~~~~~~~~~
I hit send and watched as my document was emailed to Cynthia. It's been almost four months since I've done my job and I'm grateful Cynthia gave me that. Though now it was time to get back to work.
I just had to to back to how life was. Going to Starbucks, writing my column back in the office, coming home and repeat. Maybe even forgive Scott. Life just needed to back to normal as possible. I'd been trying to lately but it's been tough.
"Okay, Ni. I'll call you later. Have a good dinner."
And that's why.
Carrie is a constant reminder of Harry. I'm glad for her being with Niall. Just her being here kept bringing back thoughts of Harry. And I needed to get over him.
"Bailey?"
My head turned to the door where Carrie had knocked. I frowned and rose from my spot on the bed, being careful to keep my laptop safe on it. I walked over to the door and undid the lock before pulling it open.
'Yeah?' I signed.
She shot me a grin.
"Get your column in?"
I nodded.
"Great! Well, I submitted mine for today also. Though I need to go research for the next one."
I rolled my eyes. Carrie and her research include her going shopping and take a ton of pictures. Perks of being the fashion columnist she joked.
'You going now?' I asked.
She nodded and grabbed my wrist.
"Yup! And you're going with!"
My eyes widened and I shook my head no.
"Oh yes you are! You haven't left this apartment, let alone you're room in months! You need to get out! It's getting colder out so lets stock up on winter clothes!"
I looked at the calendar in the kitchen where Carrie had dragged me.
It was the start of November.
It was crazy to think that Harry had been gone since July.
'I really don't want too.' I signed to her.
"You're going! Now slip on your shoes and lets go!" She laughed a bit as so shoved me towards a small shoe rack I had by the front door. I had on pink sweat pants and a long sleeve white shirt. I wasn't exactly looking nice enough to go out but I doubt Carrie will let me go change. I reached forward to grab a random pair of shoes but froze once they were in my hands. My eyes widened as I dropped the white TOMS I hadn't work since the date...
"Bailey?" Carried asked coming up.
I shook my head trying to get any thoughts of him out of my head.
'I'm fine.' I signed to her before reaching for my pair of white Uggs.
She nodded and unlocked the door before opening it. "Oh grab my coat, will ya?"
I picked up her baby blue pea coat and handed it to her before slipping on my matching PINK zipper jacket.
And in a flash, we were out of the building and in a cab headed towards Times Square.
"Let's hit H&M, okay?" She asked me.
I gave her a thumbs up and rested my head on the window. The buildings passed by in a blur as we got closer and closer to our destination. My eyes wandered all over the multiple signs that were once so familiar but now so foreign.
"It's nice to be outside, isn't it?" Carrie chuckled.
I turned my head to look at her.
'Technically we're not outside. We're in a heated car.'
Carrie let out a loud laugh and smiled at me.
"Way to be nice, smart butt."
I shrugged and returned to looked out the widow.
I hadn't left the apartment for the past almost 4 months. Not even on Halloween whenever Carrie wanted to drag me out to the work party. I spent that day in my room watching every Friday the 13th movie and pigging out on the candy I told Carrie I would hand out.
It was just so weird to be going back to the city. Soon it would be Christmas time and it would be even more packed with more tourists. The big tree would go back up in the plaza and the Rockettes would be all the talk. The year had gone so slow until I met Harry. Then it just seemed to fly by. But in sorrow and hurt.
"We're here!" Carrie cheered and scurried out of the cab, but not before handing over the fair to the driver.
I nodded to him and got out trying to catch up with Carrie.
"Oh! Look at those shoes!" She exclaimed while sprinting off to a store that wasn't H&M.
I shook my head and slowly walked over towards her but stopped in front of the news stand.
This was one of the reasons why I wouldn't leave the apartment. Or why I never turned on the TV set.
They were everywhere.
And even more important... He was every where.
"Harry Styles back in London and his old ways. Lashing out at everybody."
"His own mum is scared."
"Found passed out drunk."
"Rumors spreading even quicker!"
"Clinically Depressed?"
"Has Harry Styles finally lost it?"
"What has happened to him?"
I gulped and turned away from the news stand. Tears threatening to fall from my eyes. But luck wasn't on my side today since I turned to face a best buy with multiple TV's playing the same show.
TMZ.
And who was the star they just so happened to be showing?
"Alright guys, today I think we need to discuss the fresh news out of London. Harry Styles big breakdown in front of Syco's building."
"Yeah I saw that. Though, it's nothing new. He's been messed up for months!"
"I agree. First with all those weird suicidal rumors, which he denied by almost punching a pap in the face."
"I think he's spiraling out of control."
"Maybe fame has gotten to him?"
"Both seem possible... But I'm just going to say he's a crazy British boy. This facade won't last much longer. He'll surely break."
"That poor boy... Wish I could be there for him."
"You're just saying that because you want a piece of that fine butt."
"Fine? He hasn't looked good for months! He's made a new friend to rely on. Alcohol."
"What he really needs to do is make friends with a few other people. Shower. Mouth wash. Chapstick. And maybe a hair brush. Just look at that hair!"
After everybody sat and gossiped, the screen flipped to pictures and video clips of Harry. They were spot on though. He looked like a mess.
Huge dark circles had taken place under his now dull green eyes. His curls were a bit outgrown and matted all around his head. His lips were so pale that they blended into his skin, but the cracks in them were so noticeable. And there in his hand was a bottle of vodka.
The last clip hit me the most.
He took a big swig of it and chucked the bottle at a near by pap. The glass shattered and he started yelling at everyone. His veins showing on his neck and fists tightly made by his side. British Hulk Harry was sure making a come back.
I couldn't take it anymore and ran off.
I ran through the people and straight back to the road. I didn't care if I was ditching Carrie and I didn't care if people were looking at me like I was mental. Though, I pretty much was.
I felt guilty. I knew he wasn't in a right spot when I met him and his best mates for gods sake even told me I was helping him. And I probably just pushed him farther! I slapped him! I told him to leave a day after he told me he liked me!
I was the monster.
I'm the cause.
I should of helped him rather than push him away. But a person who needs help of their own isn't in any place to help.
Tears were falling down my eyes as I flew into a near by cab.
"Where to, Miss - Bailey! Long time no see!'
My watery eyes moved up to look at Ken.
"Oh dear...Bailey, what's wrong?"
I reached in my bag for my notepad and a pen. I quickly wrote a note to him.
'Drive.'
He nodded. "Okay, Bailey. Where to?"
I gulped and took a quick glance outside. I watched as Carrie nervously rushed out in search for me, but she wouldn't be able to see me in the cab.
I quickly wrote out my destination and showed it to Ken. He frowned but nodded just before taking off.
I rested my head against the window as we drove down the traffic filled rode. My eyes wandered down the the note pad in my lap and my heart pained.
I hadn't been in so long...
But I just needed to see them.
I raised my hand and effortlessly traced the word with my pointer finger.
Just 8 small letters that spelt out a word that meant so much to me.
'Cemetery.'