Happy birthday to Callahan!!!
When I come down for breakfast the next morning, I feel like I'm interrupting an intimate moment. I mean, no one is naked, but there's a feeling around the room of something heavy but also light at the same time. It shines through everyone's eyes and makes everything have that Disney princess glow.
It makes me insanely jealous.
I want that. I want what they have. I want someone to love me like they so clearly love each other.
But that will never happen.
I sit down at the table, keeping my head down and not really talking. After a minute of Peter attempting to talk to me, he stops trying.
He's given up on me already, but that's okay. I don't need them in my life. I don't need anyone. I've been living for myself my entire life, and it won't stop here. I've survived without anyone to love me, and it'll continue that way until the day I die. They don't care about me, so I don't care about them. And I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with that.
I eat breakfast with a lighter chest and help clean up afterward without any problem. I escape as soon as I can, grabbing my things and heading to my nook. I don't leave a note for Lincoln this time, even with my mind screaming at me to.
It's five minutes before I break and go to write a note for Lincoln. I hate my guilty conscience. I'm about to enter my room when I faintly hear someone crying. I stop walking and listen to the sound. For anyone else, it may seem like anything, but I know the sounds of someone trying to muffle the sounds of crying.
It only takes me a second to decide to go investigate. We may all be not on good terms, but that doesn't mean that I want anyone to suffer. If I can do something to help them, then I want to try.
I walk over to Sam's room and knock gently on the cracked open door. "Can I come in?" I hear footsteps before Sam swings the door open, wiping at his eyes and sniffling.
"Hey, Blythe," he says, voice surprisingly sounding normal. "What's up?" He tries for a smile.
"You're not fooling anyone," I say gently. "You okay?"
His smile falls. "I'm fine."
"Bullshit. What's wrong?"
He cracks a genuine smile. "I didn't know you knew how to swear." He sighs and opens the door further. "Come in. I don't want the others to hear."
I walk in and sit on his bed.
He joins me after he closes the door.
I don't mention that he didn't close it all the way.
"What's wrong?" I ask again after noticing he won't say anything.
"My dad," he says.
"What did he do?"
"Remember that competition that I entered?"
"Yeah, of course. You spent hours practicing for that."
"Well, my dad found out about my entry. And before the judges could listen to it, he pulled it."
"Pulled it?"
"Scraped it. Threw it away." He starts tearing up. "It's gone." He scrubs at his eyes. "He didn't even listen to it. Just called to yell at me for entering. Told me I'm an embarrassment to the family." He's crying now, curling over into a ball to lessen his cries.
It breaks my heart to see him like this, and I try to think of something I can say to make everything better. "Do you have another copy of it?" I ask. "You could always submit a new one. Maybe under a different name or something. So your dad wouldn't recognize it."
Sam shakes his head. "It's gone, Blythe. There's nothing I can do."
"That's nonsense. You can always do something."
"Not in this situation."
"No, I don't believe it." I stand up. "I'll go talk to him. Try to get him to reenter your submission."
Sam stands too and grabs onto my arm. "No. Don't, Blythe."
"Why? We can do something."
"There's no point. It won't change anything."
"You don't know unless you try." I wiggle out of his hold and go towards the door.
He grabs me again. "No," he says, a tint of anger in his voice. He wipes his eyes and looks at me. "I know you're all about the 'everything will get better' and 'there's always a way out' idea like in your books. But this is real life, Blythe. Sometimes there is no other way. You just get kicked to the ground by those above you, and there's nothing you can do about it."
I don't understand why he's getting mad right now. "But if you have a problem," I say, "then fix it. There's no point crying about it. It'll get you nowhere."
Sam and I stand there, looking at each other but not saying anything.
Then Dev rushes in. "Sam!" He wraps his arms around Sam, and Sam practically melts into his embrace. His shoulders shake in silent tears.
I take that as my queue to go. I go straight to my nook, forgetting the reason I even left it in the first place. I space out for a couple minutes, my mind not able to exactly process what just happened. Did Sam and I just fight? Is that what happened? I went in there to make him feel better. Not to make things worse.
What was wrong with him? I've lived my entire life being taught to fix problems. Crying about them will get you nowhere in life. But Sam didn't want that at all. He didn't see things clearly because he was so emotional. If he doesn't want to solve his problems, then so be it. He can be sad for all I care. He chose to be sad instead of fixing the problem. He can deal with it himself. I don't need anyone.
But why wouldn't he want me to fix things? His future was on the line with this thing. When he won, he was gonna show his dad that he wasn't a complete failure. That could've meant that he could be a band or something. He could have a career in music. His future could be set for him. He would know what's going to happen to him.
I try to think of anything past this summer, and all I see is black. I have no idea who I want to be or where I want to go. Every time I try to think about it, I go into this spiral of emotions, and it never ends well. I have no job, no money, no passion to do anything other than read or watch TV. I hear about all these people with their passions and their successes with those passions. They have their dreams, and they go for it. They succeed. I have nothing like that.
I have no one to support me. I have no special talent or skill that could get me far in life. I'm going to be alone in a couple or so years. I'll be penniless and homeless, and no one will care.
I could run away, and no one would come looking for me.
And that terrifies me.
I start crying.
.~:*:~.
Dinner is awkward and quiet. Sam stares down at his half empty plate, looking like he survived an apocalypse, while Dev tries to get him to eat more food. The others aren't really talking, but I can see the glances they give each other and the silent conversations they're having.
No one looks over at me though. I think they all know that I caused Sam's meltdown. Guilt eats at me, but I ignore it. I don't need to be making everything about me when Sam is so down.
"Please eat a little more," Dev says, pushing Sam's plate closer to him.
Sam just stares at it. He looks so dead. It makes my heart hurt. He's usually the one taking care of us, so seeing Dev take care of him puts Sam's feelings into perspective. He's crushed right now.
I look back down at my plate of food, pushing it around with my fork. It's my fault he's like this. I never should've tried to help him.
"What if we did something after dinner," Jax says, glancing at Sam. "You can pick tonight, Sam. Anything you want."
"Yeah. We also have some Oreos in the pantry that we can binge on," Peter says, getting on his knees to lean over the table. He whispers, "I also have some mint Oreos in my room that the others don't know about." He grins, but that slips from his face when Sam doesn't look up from his plate.
"Sam?" Dev asks. "Sam?" He moves his chair back. "Sam?"
I watch as Sam's blank face turns into worry and his chest starts heaving. He starts shaking and squeezes his eyes shut.
Dev grabs onto Sam's hands from under the table and holds them close to his chest.
I catch glimpses of the red lines that run down his hand and wrists.
Dev holds him close and rocks him back and forth, whispering something into his ear.
Peter runs in with a blanket which he wraps around Sam and rubs his arm like you would do to someone to warm them up.
Orion gets the rest of us out of there as fast as possible.
"Is Sam going to be okay?" I ask, breaking the heavy silence.
"He'll be okay," Jax says. "Dev knows what to do."
No one says anything, but I'm getting the feeling that this has happened before. I thought tonight was nerve wracking, but to know that this has happened to Sam before does not sit well with me. If someone as strong as Sam can break down like that, then what does that mean for someone like me?
"He wants to see Blythe."
I snap out of it at the sound of my name. "Huh?" I see Dev standing at the entrance to the den.
"Sam wants to talk to you," he says.
"Me? Um. I don't think that's a good idea."
Dev shrugs. "That's not for either of us to decide."
I nod and walk after him back into the kitchen, seeing Sam still sitting in his chair at the kitchen table. I sit across from him just to be safe.
Dev sits as close as possible to Sam.
Sam's eyes are red, and he looks worn out, like the entire world just collapsed on his shoulders. Does he not know that everyone here will help him carry it?
"I'm sorry, Blythe," Sam says.
"There's nothing to apologize for," I say back at him, making sure he knows that nothing is his fault. It's mine.
"Yes, there is. I shouldn't have snapped at you before. That was my fault, and I'm sorry."
My head is shaking before he can finish his sentence. "No. No. It's really fine. Nothing to apologize about. All good. In all honesty, I'm sorry for snapping at you. I never meant to."
"It's okay. I know you were only trying to help."
"Are you okay?"
He nods. "I'm getting there. It helps when there are people close to you that care very deeply about you."
I nod, suddenly feeling very awkward.
"I need all the people in our relationship to feel better." His eyes start tearing up again.
Dev rubs his back.
"It gets hard sometimes, and I don't know what to do. Everyone here tries their best to understand, but they won't. Not truly." He wipes his eyes. "You do though, and I need someone who understands to help me feel better."
My awkward feeling turns to unease.
"I need you, Blythe."
All the progress we were making flies out the door. All I want to do now is leave. I want to leave this situation and never talk about it again. Something in me— I can't. I can't begin to explain how much of a bad idea that is. Please don't need me. I'm not someone who should be needed. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. There's so much pressure on me now to do the right thing. To be needed means to always be perfect in helping the other person. I make a mistake, and they could take the punishment for it. I can't help anyone. Why can't he see that? Why can't they all see that? Please don't need me. I can't help.
My skin crawls, and I stand up, finally done with trying. I can't do this anymore. "I'm sorry," I say and run upstairs, ignoring the looks on the others' faces as I pass them.
I shut the bedroom door behind me, breathing hard. I pace, scratching at the itchiness on my face. When that doesn't dwell the antsiness, I sit down and bounce my leg. There are so many emotions running through my head right now that I can't decipher what they are. The only thing running through my mind is just nope.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
I can't do this anymore. I've tried. There's just something here that makes me feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be a part of it.
Why can't they just know what I'm thinking and feeling? That would make everything so much easier.
Maybe they could make sense of why I'm so fucked up in the head.
I want to help Sam. I want to help Sam so bad it hurts. But I— I just don't know how. I've never helped someone ever in my entire life. I've never been close to anyone before.
And no one has ever helped me, so I can't even figure out what to do from that.
They should just help themselves. Sam knows himself better than anyone else. He knows what he wants. What he needs. He can do it himself.
Is it weird that I don't want to be needed? Don't normal people want to be needed by someone they care very deeply for?
Someone knocks on the door and cracks it open. "Blythe?" Dev pokes his head through.
"Yeah?" I ask. My voice sounds oddly calm.
"You ran out of there fast. What happened? Did Sam say something?"
I shake my head. "I'm fine."
He nods to my leg. "You're shaking."
"I always shake."
"True." He sits next to me on my bed. "But you also haven't made eye contact with me this entire time."
I don't say anything.
"Look," Dev says. "I don't do the whole 'touchy feely' thing like Sam or Peter do, but I think I can explain some things that might help."
I watch as the lamppost outside turns on in the darkening sky.
"At first glance, Sam comes off as someone who doesn't need anyone, but, in reality, he probably needs everyone here the most. He's an emotional person who needs an emotional connection with people. But that's all he needs. He doesn't expect you to fix all of his problems, Blythe. He just wants someone there to lean on and to tell him that everything will be okay."
"Why? Everyone knows it'll be okay."
"Because he forgets sometimes."
"But that's stupid," I say. "There's no point in that."
"Maybe not for you. But for Sam, it means the difference between smiling and crying."
"He should change that."
"Maybe." Dev shrugs. "Maybe he is a little too emotional sometimes. But maybe you're also a little too rational sometimes."
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm too rational? If that's the case, then why is my entire life dictated by my emotions?
"I'm sorry what Sam said made you upset," he continues.
I'm not upset.
"He didn't mean anything by it. He just wanted to make sure you felt included in our family. That's part of the reason he freaked out like he did. He didn't want you to feel left out of anything."
Left out of anything? How about everyone just stay the fuck away from me? Stop reminding me of everything I'm missing out on.
"We just want you to be a part of our relationship—"
I stand up from the bed. "What don't you get?" I say. "I said no before. My answer still stands."
Dev stands up too. "But why?" He takes a step closer. "Why? Why say no? We all see how you watch us. Jax told us about what you two did. Everything you do says yes, but yet you still say no. What are you scared of, Blythe?"
Hey guys. It's been a while. Oops.
Explanation: classes got busy, then I had finals, then Christmas, then New Years, and then I got covid for like two weeks. That was terrible. And now classes are back in session, and I didn't write anything.
But also now that I have a set schedule, I can get back to writing and uploading. Just stick with me for a couple more days guys. After this chapter, you won't be getting more chapters for a bit. I am working on the rest of this book though. Don't worry. I am hoping to start uploading more chapters soon, and then I'll upload a chapter a day like before until it's over.
Thank you to everyone who's reading!!! It's only been a couple months, and this book has a little over 6.6k reads. It's blowing my tiny mind. I can't thank you guys enough.
I'm so glad you're enjoying it.