real life
YURI'S always felt breathless around Jungwon. There was no explanation needed as to why she was breathless around the boy. Just by looking at him, you understood why Yuri's throat closed up, why her mind stopped working, and her heart faltered repetively. It was pause. And then a start. When Jungwon smiled, her heart paused. When he laughed, her heart began again. It was like Yuri was living through many different lives, each painted with a new streak of color that left Yuri eagerly waiting for what the next day would bring. Would it bring the color of Jungwon's smile? A bright yellow color, but it wasn't too harsh on the eye, but it was warm enough for Yuri to walk outside without a coat on. Would it bring the color of Jungwon's dimples? A baby pink color, but not like the basic baby pink color. A baby pink color that reminded Yuri of roses, and her pink blanket she always slept with when she was younger, a blanket that was there to soak up the tears she spilled at 3 AM in the morning.
Yuri depended on Jungwon more than she would like to admit. He was a warm constant in Yuri's icy blue life. A life that reminded her of her faults anf failures, that reminded her of the hobby she fell out of love with. Jungwon and his stupid dimples, his stupid way with words that struck at Yuri's heart when she least expected it. Yuri misses the whispers he spoke to her in class, making fun of the teacher, or the students around them. Gossiping with Jungwon about Ha-Yoon and Seo-Yun. She misses the thrill she felt when Jungwon's knee touched hers.
Yuri misses Jungwon. She misses him so fucking much her heart is blue. Blue with regret. Blue with coldness seeping into her skin, freezing the former ice-skater, permanently staining her blue because blue reminded Yuri of Jungwon. The warm blue that fills the sky on a warm summers day, or the comforting blue sky that comes out during Winter, reminding everyone that even during Winter, there will always be happiness, there will always be warmth and happiness. Jungwon's everything good in the world. He's the smell of freshly baked cookies, she's the laughter that spills out into the night during a sleepover, he's the warm hallway light that enters a kid's bedroom as their parents check on them. He's a sunflower yellow, a hot Summer's day blue.
Jungwon is familiarity. He's home. He's safety. He's secure. He's dependable and reliable. He's everything a reckless Choi Yuri needs. Yuri needs someone like Yang Jungwon. She didn't know that until it was too late. Too late for Yuri to take back her feelings. Too late for Yuri to realize that, yes, it's okay to feel this way and, yes, its okay, it's okay to forgive Jungwon. He didn't mean it. Not like Saem. Not like her mother. It's okay to grieve over something you've lost, something you loved more than anything else in the world. Yuri's pretty sure all her feelings are invaild, but with Jungwon, he makes them so fucking valid.
Beneath all the insecurity, all the fear, all the trauma, and ideas of what her future looks like; bleak, sorrowful, pain, boring, beneath it all, scratching its way from underneath a floor board at the bottom of a sunken and rotting ship, lies Yuri's true feelings. Her feelings she's been hiding for months. Feelings she's so desperate to push out and speak into the world, words that will make her existence worth living for. Words that will make her smile the same color as Jungwon's smile.
Somewhere, in the short months Yuri's spent all of her free time with Jungwon, Yuri's fallen hard for the boy and all his endearing habits. Yuri often falls, and when she falls for someone, it's always more than just a passing crush. Yuri falls so fucking hard her face gets smashed in and she has to get plastic surgery to try and reform her face back to it's natural state. The feelings are swimming their way up to the surface, getting ready to explode in colors of yellow; in colors of baby pink; in colors of blue. Warm Summers day blue. Gentle, and reminding Winters day blue.
Here's the truth; feelings are tricky and hard to navigate. One minute, you're smiling at them and the next? You're smiling at them. It's not a simple smile, it's a smile. A smile that holds much more than 'let's just be friends,' it means; "I see the world in your eyes. I see my world in your eyes. I want to kiss you as well, kiss you breathless, kiss you deep into an obilivion you never come out of." That's the kind of smile Yuri feels when she sees Jungwon, his eyes crinkled up in annoyance, his dimples deep in his cheeks as he smiles wider than Yuri's ever seen him. Feelings are tricky and hard to navigate, but at the same time, they are secure, warm, soft, and gentle. They're there to remind you of the human in you. That it's okay to feel things you're terrfied of. Just because you haven't had your first relationship doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid. Just because you've experienced heartbreak and traumatic memories, doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid. They're your feelings. No one elses.
Yuri is wishing someone told her that ages ago. Maybe it would've saved her from her relationship with Saem. Maybe it would've helped her with Jungwon. But, Yuri can't dwell on the past. She has to focus on her future, she has to focus on where is now; in a cafe she visited with Jungwon a while back, waiting for him to show. Her heart is on her sleeve. She cradles a cup of coffee in her hands like it's a fragile thing. She's thinking of how fucking valid her feelings are. She remember Sunghoon's words, they're like a comfortable whisper in her ear.
(Yuri's crying on her bathroom floor, her palm slapping the tiles beneath her. Her chest hurts and she screams for air. Her chest heave and an ugly sob escapes Yuri. She can literally feel her heart breaking. She can feel everything turning around her, she can feel herself getting sucked deeper into the abyss. The abyss Yuri never wants to be pulled into. She feels baren and cold. She feels empty and blue, it paints across her shattered soul, trying to bring some beauty to Yuri's pain.
"Yuri," Sunghoon was gentle. His hand takes Yuri's red one into his. She's no longer pounding the ground beneath her. "Yuri," he repeats. He's so patient and gentle with a shattered Yuri.
"It hurts," Yuri whimpers and Sunghoon can easily tell this more than just Jungwon leaving Yuri.
"Yuri," Sunghoon feels like home as Yuri's shoved into his embrace, her face pressed against his chest, "it's okay."
Yuri hiccups. And sobs harder, gripping Sunghoon's t-shirt tightly as she squeezes her eyes tighter, her tears burning. It's okay. Yuri deserves the pain.
"It's okay," Sunghoon repeats, "it's okay to have these days. It's okay to feel this way, Yuri, your feelings are so valid. Anyone who tells you different is stupid."
Sobs fill the bathroom, they fill the house. It's like a neverending song. A song about pain and how Yuri deserves this all. She deserves the pain she's feeling because she's a fuck up. Sunghoon gently coaxes head out of his chest, his hands crumping around the frame of her face, pushing hair out of her face, wiping the tears off her face, a gentle and comforting smile on his face. "But Yuri, you can't let the pain consume you like this." )
The door opens. It's Jungwon. Hope fills Yuri's chest, but she pushes it down. She can't let herself be hopeful. She can't let herself think that everything will be normal once her and Jungwon talk about their feelings. It's hard for Yuri to talk about her feelings when they've been invalidated her entire life. She struggles to grasp the basic meaning of love, but with Jungwon around, she feels as if she knows what love is. He's getting closer to the table and Yuri's heat beats faster. And faster. It's not stopping. It's pulling Jungwon closer to Yuri.
"Yuri", Sunghoon's voice echoes around her head, "it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to want closure, it's okay to start a new chapter of your life."
Jungwon's smile lights up the room. Yuri feels her cheeks grow warm, she feels her hands sweat. She feels, the hope she pushed down resurface. She feels the bruising waves stop trying to push down her true feelings for Jungwon. Yuri feels as if though she's lost it all. She's lost her grasp on reality.
"Hi Yuri," Jungwon sounds happy.
Yuri musters up a smile, "Hi Jungwon."
He takes the seat across from Yuri. "How are you?"
"Could be better," mumbles Yuri, sipping her coffee. She places it down on the table and sighs deeply. Her feelings are valid. More valid than she will ever realize. "Look, Jungwon, what happened? Why did you let me down? I. ." She trails off. Her chest hurts. "I needed you." Her voice is a whisper and she avoid Jungwon's eyes.
Jungwon is frowning, "I wanted to be there, Yuri, I really did, but something came up. A radio show we were supposed to go on the next day called in and said they weren't able to interview us the next day, so the interview was moved to the day of our presentation. I was sure I would arrive at school when business class started, but it went on for longer than anyone expected. I begged to leave, but I couldn't. Yuri, I'm so sorry."
There's the closure. Yuri closes her eyes.
"I don't usually give out second chances, Jungwon, but you're different." She pauses, "you've always been different."
There's a hopeful silence.
"Do you want to be friends again, Jungwon?" Yuri poses the question they're both longing for. But they both long for more. Sunghoon's words echoing around Yuri's head once more.
Jungwon sighs a sigh of relief, "yes. I would love too, Yuri."
Yuri opens her eyes and her throat closes up. Her mind fails her. Her heart pauses. She's looking at Jungwon. His stupid warm yellow smile and baby pink dimples, his rosy cheeks and fluffy coat. The coat Yuri loves on him. His sweater paws Yuri always teases him about, but secretly adores about him. Her fingers ache to push back his long hair. He's grown it out. Yuri likes it on him.
"Yuri, can I ask something?" The tension is back. Yuri feels afraid.
"Yeah, what's up?"
"Do you remember when we kissed?"
Yuri closes her eyes again. I remember it all too well. "Yeah, I remember."
"Did — did it mean anything?"
Suddenly, all her fears rush to the surface and Yuri doesn't know what to feel. She's lost and confused, she's unsure. She feels anxious, she feels stressed, she feels pressured. But it's Yuri's time to admit her feelings to the boy she's sure she feels something so deeply for she's terrfied of giving her heart to him again. Jungwon — she doesn't know how Jungwon sounds. He sounds hopeful, but at the same time, he sounds doubtful. Yuri opens her eyes and looks at Jungwon again, her heart getting ready to burt into fireworks of warm yellow, baby pink, and blue.
"No," blurts out Yuri, "I mean — yes. It meant something to me."
Jungwon's eyes widen.
"But that was before."
Jungwon visibly deflates.
"I liked you, Jungwon, and now. . . I don't know anymore."
Jungwon wants to say something, so Yuri says quiet — except it never comes because Jungwon is called back to the dorm and Yuri's left to watch him retreat, her heart tearing into two. I LOVE YOU! Yuri wants to scream into the noisy cafe, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT TERRIFIES ME! Yuri's only seventeen, yet she feels love bursting at the seams. She feels love whenever she looks at Jungwon. Yuri's fucking seventeen years old and a huge fucking mess. Yuri's only seventeen, and she's in love with a K-pop idol named Yang Jungwon. A boy who reminds her of cats. A boy with a soft, sweet, smile and even softer and sweeter dimples. A boy and his way with words than can make Yuri's heart burst, pause, and beat faster simultaneously.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU THE MOON! Yuri screams in her head, begging Jungwon to turn around and say somethng that changes Yuri's life.
He keeps on walking.
"Yuri," Sunghoon's voice is back and she's on her bathroom floor again, gripping his t-shirt as he wipes away her tears, "it's okay to allow yourself to feel again." Yuri watches Jungwon leave the cafe. "Don't be afraid."
Yuri's fucking afraid.