At eight fifty-five, I heard a knock on my door. Asteria was five minutes early. My hands were sweating. My heart was out of my body on a race track somewhere nearby. It was going to fast to stay anywhere inside my body.
I was allowing someone close to my back, the area of my back which I saw as most vulnerable, not for the anything scheme-like. But just for the sake of letting someone help me with something. There was no ulterior motive. I was letting this happen for the sake of it. I had to gather myself before Asteria saw that I was actually nervous over this.
"Come in," I called. I could feel my skin burning with anxiousness. So, to avoid her face, I turned away from her, took off my shirt, and laid down prone on the bed. I put my hair up above my head, exposing my entire back to her. I heard her half choke on her own breath when she saw me. I turned my head too look at her. Her deep brown skin didn't flush, but I could see her breathing heavily, her chest rising and falling. As she stepped closer, I felt emotionally nauseated. This was too vulnerable for me to handle.
I felt her finger trace a scar down my back. "Some of these are much older than the others. Who did this to you? All of them." I had never been afraid of Asteria, but deep rooted anger in her voice sent a near panic in me.
"I don't have to answer you." Photographic memory will never allow me to forget the names of the people who did this to me, even though I've already killed them. But my memory will also never allow me to forget anything from the times it was done.
"I'm not demanding anything of you. If you don't want to answer just say so. You aren't answering to me. You're just answering me." Right. Of course. "Calm down, I can feel you shaking. If you're cold I can turn that heater up higher." I nodded and she was back in less than ten seconds after adjusting the small heater in the corner of my room. "You ready?" She asked me.
"Yea," I said into my pillow.
"Okay, I'm going to put my hands on you now." Her chilled hands made contact with my back.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Fuck deep breaths. No, the more you breathe, the more time goes by. That means we can get this done faster.
Her hands on my back were soft and her fingers touched me so lightly, I could almost only feel the weight of the ointment. "All right Selene, I'm going to move to the left side of your back now, okay?" She kept mumbling what she was doing, trying to reassure me. She would tell me as she went up my back or down my back, how she applied the balm, where she applied it. She never let her fingers linger and she never went above my should or past the lowest scar close to my tailbone. "Breathe, I'm almost done, okay? I'm gonna add a second layer of the ointment on the newer scars and then it'll be over. You're okay."
I was shaking like crazy. My entire back was exposed to her. It was more than expose to her, she touching my back. My scars. She was seeing all the places I've been hurt back there before. Never stabbed in the back, but cut enough times to be cautious of a stab.
Her hands left my back and the blanket was pulled over my back. "I'm done, Selene. You're okay, it's over. Do you want me to get your shirt?" She asked as she stepped off my bed.
"Please." She picked it up from next to the bed and I put it on, faced away from her. I turned to look at her. I, for once, could not decipher the look on her face. It was more than just one thing. It was anger: a murderous stoicism in her eyes. I was fear: the part and tremble of her jaw. She bit the inside of her mouth. She was holding back words. She should. We are not here to converse in philosophy or feelings. But I couldn't help but ask, "What? You look like you're dying to say something I'm not going to like."
"No, I just... It's nothing." She shook her head with a shaken smile. Her hands come to her front, intertwining her fingers into each other, pulling on them, picking at her nails, scratching the inside of her hand.
"Spit it out, Asteria. It's clearly nothing if you're all shaken."
"I don't want that. What everyone knows I have. I'd rather let the Geoffrey company and legacy burn down than take over it. My hardworking. My own company was created to get out of the family, not as incentive to get more than what I bargained for as middle child. How do you expect me, one person, to break a centuries old cycle of the classism embedded into this place? You killed my mother. You think one murder can break a generational cycle? No, you have to let this place burn down completely, not literally though. You can't change this place; you can only start from scratch from here." But does that really work? In theory it's wonderful.
"And how many people do you think can afford that?" I asked her. "You break this place down and you lead people to starvation and homelessness. You're thinking so far ahead. You see the issue is the system, we all do, but how does that get handled? To rebuild means to allow people to starve, it means that other countries might drop trade with us. Will the other nations even come to our aid. We're so isolated from our neighbors outside the trade, who cares? How badly could cutting us off affect them when there are so many other places offering the same thing?"
"I never said what I said should be implemented. The difference in you and me is that I try to speak in an ideal manner, whereas you do so in a realistic manner. But if everything is done according to the realistic, where do the new ideas come from. Without optimism and idealism, you can't have progression."
Without optimism and idealism, you can't have progression. Fuck.
"With optimism and idealism you are looking at what could be instead of what can be attained. They allow for great long-term goals, but not everything can be implemented." She took a step closer to me. The girl was nearly half a foot shorter than me, but she stood over me as she was standing and I was sitting at the edge of the bed.
"We can both be right and we can both be wrong."
"There's not right and wrong in anything philosophical. There's just ideas and their ability to thrive." She was so close to me. She was bent down so our eyes were leveled. Her head was tilted, as though she couldn't get enough of looking at me. Her stare was intense. Less than a second later, she broke out of her thought and took a step back.
"We're meeting with your sister tomorrow. Thalia Mara." I felt nauseas at the mention of her. "She's not coming here, so you're coming with me. Be ready before eight." Her sharp eyes relaxed to their resting doe shape. Her deep brown eyes held the warmth of a brown leather journal cover. "You'll be okay alone?" She asked me. Now, it was my turn to narrow my eyes at her.
"You didn't ask me that before you saw the scars," I pointed out and she nodded.
"I know, but you have photographic memory. Scars lead to memories and memories conjure dreams and nightmares. Your memory is arguably a curse, Selene," She said it with a raised brow. She never raised her right brow. Only her left.
"Well, in that case, you must be real glad to know you don't have to play nanny and watch over me. I deal with it. I don't wake up when I get them, My eyes are glued close. So no, if that's what you're wondering, we won't have the perfect cliche moment where you save me from my nightmares like you did at that dinner. You are not my savior. You are an ally." Her face dropped and I should've been too tired to feel bad, but I did feel bad.
"Goodnight," She nodded her head, and I did the same.
~~
A dark sweatshirt and the thickest pair of sweats were all I could think of donning. It was cold outside and I was in no mood to be recognized. I doubted I looked the same without makeup anymore. My face had changed too much. The constant switching from being starved for periods to eating normally did that to you. I had put on more weight since in the last two weeks and I had no intention to lose it.
"You ready?" Asteria asked. I knew she meant it as more than just physically. I merely nodded at her as we got into her car.
She was dressed in a pair of black pants tight enough to be mistaken for leggings and a simple sweater. Good, it was casual. Her thick curls were pulled back a tight ponytail.
"How far are we going? I asked her.
She kept her eyes glued to the road as she answered me. "Forty-five minutes tops. That's including traffic."
The drive was quiet. No small talk was made, which I was thankful for. I appreciated her ability to keep a comfortable silence even with our unstable ally-ship. Maybe she wanted to be rid of me the way she wanted her mother back.
I don't regret killing her mother, and I will never apologize for it. Because of that, any chance she and I had at more than ally-ship falls. I have the decency to know that as someone who killed her mother with no regrets, we cannot be anything more than allies.
As we got out of the car, my nerves were burning. I wonder what Thalia was going to wear? Sorin had been using her to make it seem like I was well and present with him. Would she dress like me? Would she replicate my mannerisms? Would people believe she's me?
I had yet to wait for a bigger reaction from the people.
When I saw her, I was surprised. She stood there with her large hoodie covering her head and nearly half her face. Like she didn't want to be spotted. I wouldn't either if I was pretending to be me.
"Selene," Her voice was firm, unwelcoming. "Asteria." She added a sultry smooth to her voice, pissing me off.
"What do you want, Thalia?" I asked.
"To warn you. I'm running away. I hate this place enough to not care what happens to it. Be careful," She stated casually. "Because I give no shits about what happens to you. I'm just telling you to be more careful about the paparazzi. And definitely Sorin and his men."
"Excuse me?" I scoffed. Asteria grabbed the corner of my hoodie, trying to keep me from attacking her or something, I guess. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"I mean you're a lonely bitch. You grew up alone and you'll die alone. Who do you have other than yourself? What impact will you're death have? Nothing. Not to the country. You don't have any loved ones to hurt." She stopped and waited for my response. "Am I wrong?" She asked me with a raised brow.
"Would that matter though? Why does a persons life only hold value if they mattered to people?" Asteria answered for me. "Why can't she just be a person. Why does the fact that she's a human hold no value?" She anger rose with every word.
"It's not about what I think, it's just how the world works. Who would miss her? Literally no one." A moment of silence.
No shock from me, of course. Who would miss me?
"Are you running alone?" I asked her and she shook her head with half a smile on her face.
"No, Kavan is going with me. We're both leaving tomorrow night." She isn't alone. She was never alone. She grew up living the life I could never have. So loved, so cared for. While I suffered. "Well, I'm gonna go. I don't feel like talking anymore. Be grateful I warned you. I only did it because Kavan asked me to."
That was it. No goodbyes. I hoped to never see her again because I didn't need her reminding me of every last bit of comfort I didn't get to have.
I am jealous of Thalia and I wasn't afraid to admit it because 95% of the other girls in this country are too.
As I began to open the wooden panel on the floor, Asteria put on arm on my shoulder to stop me. "No. Come here." She didn't say anything else and I just went after her to the kitchen. "Eat. We can talk."
It was silent for the first couple minutes.
"You're loneliness doesn't mean you don't matter, Selene." I set my fork down and got up to go, but I heard her coming after me. "No. Selene come back. I didn't mean to have it come off like that." I stopped and turned around.
"You and I are not talking about our feelings and emotions. Understood?" I seethed and she nodded calmly.
"I started it off like that, but what I'm trying to say is don't go back to Sorin for the sake of mattering because you die." I hadn't even thought of that.
"What the fuck? Why would I go back to the man who tortured me?" Why would she think that.
"Because you always think of something crazy that works. Don't leave. Even if you think of the craziest plan." Huh? She seemed to realize what she said and composed herself. "I need you here. I have a bigger plan we need to follow. We need to be here for six more days before we make a move. Alright?" She was desperate. I nodded at her.
"Okay. I'll need more detail soon then."
"Right, tomorrow. But do you want me to put the ointment on your back again?" The question was slow. I froze for a second. I had to get this over with and get my damn back fully healed.
"Yes, please."