PHOEBE'S POV:
I don't know how long I had been asleep, but a knock on the front door woke me up from a not so deep sleep.
Sleep was the last thing on my mind, so you can imagine how fast I shot up at the knock.
What if it was Allison? What if she's still keeping track of me? The tracker had to be on my car if she found me from the coffee shop to Ashlyn's house last night.
Now she knows where I live... The one time I needed to think about things, I took my selfishness and used it.
Fuck.
There's always the chance of it being Harry at the door, but why would he want to come to me after I stormed out on him?
If I was sitting in his position and was upset like that, and he walked out on me while I was trying to explain myself, I would be more upset than anything.
But the way I reacted was valid to me, so why am I doubting myself every chance I get?
I'm really hoping it is H, though. I just don't know what he'd say, or what kind of state he'd be in.
He's always handled these situations with alcohol, or something along those lines.
If he were to turn out drunk at my door, there's no chance I'd turn him away, that's just wrong. Especially with the shit we've already overcome.
I'd be disappointed, yes. But I know he'd be more disappointed in himself than I'd be, and I wouldn't want to beat his feelings up more than he already has himself.
Finally going full force, I turned the handle to open the door.
Harry.
I let out the biggest sigh of relief, I don't know what I would've done if it was my mom.
He looked okay, he just looked tired. I can tell he'd been crying, his eyes were puffy and red, it hurts my heart to see him like that.
I also saw the familiar ice cream in his hand.
The first thing he did was put a small smile on his face, but I could tell it was fake. I can always tell when something is off, especially after knowing what had happened tonight.
I accepted the ice cream gesture, setting it on the table quickly before turning my attention back to him at my door.
I decided to wrap my arms around his neck, bringing him into the most comforting hug I could give him right now.
That's what helps me when I'm like this, just a nice, long hug.
"I'm so sorry..." He cried into my shoulder, all his tears collecting on my long crewneck that I put on to sleep in.
The ache in his voice hurt more than words from my mouth ever could express, I don't think I've seen him more vulnerable than he has been tonight. He doesn't like to cry in front of me if he doesn't have to, but I guess that feeling finally caught up to him like I knew it would.
"Sh...Sh... It's okay. You're okay..." I reassured him, I know I was the upset one, but I'm pushing all my feelings aside for him just like Ashlyn said, and it feels like the right answer at the moment.
I feel more than horrible, the vomiting feeling in my throat is catching up to me, I never wanted to hurt him with how I felt, but still, the way I felt was more than valid. I was allowed and still am allowed to be upset with him.
The only reason I got so upset was because he knows the troubles I have with Allison, she hasn't treated me like her child in years, so why is it so rude for me to not treat her like my mother all these years?
I know Harry didn't mean for it to come across like that, but in the heat of the moment it kind of felt like it.
"Your ice cream is gonna melt.." Harry interrupted my thoughts by speaking and unraveling himself from our hug. It didn't occur to me that we were still in the doorway, I just wanted to be in the moment with him so he could feel safe, because I definitely owe him that after tonight.
It really never occurred to me that I'd do anything for him.
I mean, of course I knew that, but the thought comes in waves for me, I just forget that I'm totally, madly in love with him.
I'm just scared of where things could lead us if I tell him that, because what if he miraculously doesn't feel the same?
He definitely does, but that one pressure point in my head tells me that I'm gonna fuck everything by opening up, because whenever I decide to, shit goes to hell.
Love is more than words, and he's definitely shown me what that feels like.
"Let's go inside, go grab a blanket and get warm." I spoke to him softly, watching him go into my room and grab a small blanket from my chair.
He drags himself back out to my couch, laying with his back against the arm of the couch. He gestured for me to lay between his legs, so of course I did.
With my ice cream in my hand, my other one rested against his thigh, running small circles around it with my thumb. I wanna soothe him in any way that I can, even if I'm still supposed to be upset with him.
Would it be bad if I forgave him so quickly? I mean, I forgive him in my head, but I don't know if forgiving him so quickly would be the right thing to do.
My head rested against his stomach, his hands on my shoulders, slightly messaging them.
"I mean it when I say I'm sorry." He whispered, I could barely hear his voice but I knew how sincere he was being. He sounds so fucking defeated, it hurts my soul to see him in this state.
But it hurts being in this state of mind even more.
"Baby..." I quickly already changed my position, sitting up with my legs wrapped around his waist, my arms around his neck. "If you apologize one more time, I might just have to shove the next one up your ass."
I let out a tiny laugh, hearing him do the same. I wanted to see his smile, just once tonight. I just needed it once.
"There's that smile." I tilted my head to the side, running my thumb across his lip softly. Just with the slightest touch, he ran circles against my thighs just like I did to his.
When I touch him, in any way, it makes me forget how mad at him I was. I forget how much I hate being mad at him, especially the man I'm in love with.
"Can I ask you something, P?" He looks down, his eyes wandering in different places than my eyes, which lets me know he's scared.
Now I'm scared.
"Mhm, what is it?" I asked.
He took a minute to get a grip on his words, his mouth opening, but nothing coming out for a minute or two. I don't know what he's about to ask, but he has me shitting bricks trying to figure it out.
"What are we? To you... what are we?" The question came out slowly, his hands still on my thighs, but with a tighter grip as I gathered my answer.
I can't say the wrong thing, but if I don't give him the truth now, I don't know when I'll have the courage to do it. I really do love him, and the only reason I havne;t said it as much is because I love him in a whole new way.
Loving him in this way takes patience to understand, and out of anyone, I know he'd understand that, but I 'm still scared.
What if he doesn't feel the same? All I seem to do is fucking ponder on this question, so maybe it's actually time to get the answer for myself.
"You know I love you, right?" I decided to start with that, because I really do love him. He has to know that, or else he's sick in the damn head.
Saying it out loud felt like a new clarity for myself, though. It felt good, this felt good.
His face just froze, it stayed in that position for I don't even know how long, I'd be in shock too, so I can't blame him.
But the longer he took to respond, the more anxious I felt.
Spit it out, Styles.
"I have been waiting a fucking eternity for you to spit that shit out, you mean that?" He looked me in the eyes this time, moving his grip up to my waist, but more like a hug than just putting his hands there.
"Wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.." I could tell he took a double take when I said those words, the look on his frozen face gave it away in two seconds.
"Why'd it take you so long to say it? I mean, granted I haven't said it either, but is there a reason?" He asked politely, keeping his arms hugged around my waist, keeping his hands on the small of my back.
"I guess to me... It felt like a whole different way of saying it. I mean, we've been saying it all our lives, but my feelings for you have matured over the past few months. So, to me, it felt like an "I'm in love with you" type of "I love you."
No way I just fucking said that out loud to him.
It slipped, I swear to fucking god it slipped. I meant it with everything in me, I just didn't expect it to come out so fast and how it did.
In another way, I'm glad I said it to just get it out there. Is it too early to say?
I swear, I worry about things after I say them.
Red flag, Phoebe.
"Did you just say what I think you said?" He said in the tiniest whisper, but like always, I can hear it. His fucking puppy dog eyes kill me every time, except this time I think he just started crying.
"H.. don't cry.. kills me to see you cry." I wipe the tear that reaches his cheek, not wanting to see him cry anymore.
"It's a good cry I promise.. It's just-" He gets cut off by a break in his voice, breaking mine at the same time. Seeing him cry only makes me so much more emotional. "What did I do to deserve to hear that, especially after earlier? The minute I showed up.. Y-you should've kicked me out, you should've turned me away-"
"Nope. I'm gonna stop you right there, babe." I picked his head up with my finger on his chin, scratching his scruff quickly before keeping my hold there. "I didn't turn you away because I love you too much to hurt you like that, even if I already hurt you enough. I couldn't and never can't stand to see you cry, especially if it's over me. I hate seeing you hurt, no matter who caused it." I explained to him, more tears forming in his eyes as I talked.
"You're a fucking angel, how did I get the priveledge to be the one to love you like I do?"
He said it back. He fucking said it back.
"Are you telling me you love me, Styles?" I joke around, giving him a smirk while towered over him, my arms still hanging comfortably around his neck.
"Hm, yeah.. I guess I am." He gives me the softest smile, but it's still there.
And to think he's only smiling because of me, when I was the reason he was crying hours ago.
I love him, I really do.
"I love you." He hugs me while whispering in my ear, feeling the warmth from his toned voice gave me chills everywhere.
Harry's voice was raspier than usual, due to all the crying tonight.
I still can't help but feel bad that I did that to him.
"And I love you." I hung onto him tighter than ever, I didn't expect tonight to go this way at all.
The worst that could've happened was for him to not say it back, but that still would've fucking stung.
"I didn't expect my sorry ass to get you to finally tell me you're in love with me tonight." He unraveled his arms from around me back to being holstered onto my hips.
"Did I say that? I don't think I recall... Quit pulling shit out of your ass and kiss me."
The second I finished my sentence, his hand laced in the back of my hair, very softly pulling my face towards his to kiss me. This was more of an 'I want you' kiss and less of a 'I need you' type of kiss.
It felt good to kiss him like this, without anyone else involved, just us two.
I felt really in love, I mean.. I always have, but now that I've said the words, it feels more and more real as he tangles his tongue with my own.
We kept the train of "I love you's" between our long kisses. I didn't expect to kiss him for a while, I thought he'd stay upset and I'd stay mad. But, it's hard to stay mad at someone when the feeling of love overpowers the feeling of anger.
"I've felt like that for a while, did you know that?" I asked H, his head probably wondering all over this place.
"How long?" He asked curiously.
"Well, ever since we were kids. But, my different definition of loving you started when I watched your every little move, when I paid attention to just the way you apply your cologne. I started watching the little things, and that started in Jamaica. When I wrote those songs about you, it was a way to express my love for you without actually saying the words. Because, I've never gotten a positive reaction to expressing those feelings to people. You're so far from everyone else, I've never felt like this." He let me finish my ramble that seemed to be going on for fucking ever.
"Would it be crazy of me to say I feel the exact same way? I watched your every footstep, I never looked so deeply into your writing and your songs, unless you'd point those things out directly to me. I've been in love with you far too long to keep it a secret any longer." He smiled towards the end of his statement.
The validation from his words is more than I could've ever asked for, especially since my mind has always tried to convince me that he never felt that same.
At this point, my ice cream had melted in it's container and I had other plans for tonight, so I simply just didn't care.
"Do you mind if maybe.. You can say no, but maybe we could look at all the songs you've written since we got to Jamaica?" He seemed nervous to ask me this, my eyes locking with his and nodding my head yes.
Something is telling me that we're getting absolutely no sleep tonight, and I've accepted the fact that I'm far more okay with that than I usually would.
***
Song: Slip Away - Luke Hemmings.
You guys should trust me more, I wasn't gonna break hearts this chapter.
I do apologize about the short length of this chapter, and I wouldn't call it a filler because some big things happened, it was just sweet, and I needed something sweet to write.
I healed them, so I think I deserve a thank you.
I'm almost at 10k, which is so fucking insane I can't fathom it. Thank you endlessly, I love you.