Zach’s POV
“Fuck,” I muttered as I walked away from Layne, who was still kneeling on the ground in the freezing rain. What the fuck did I just do? I bit my lip, my brow creasing in worry. My stomach started to churn unpleasantly, to point where I thought I might throw up the three bottles of booze I drank before Layne and Joey showed up.
I felt like one of those old cartoon characters with an angel on one shoulder, telling me to do the right thing, and a devil on the other, telling me to do what made sense. Staying with Layne made sense; that was the evil part. But, sometimes reality doesn’t make sense, and I think both Layne and I needed to realize that. Erica saved me from doing something stupid, though. She told me Layne would be better off without me, and she was right. I was so grateful Erica showed up tonight, because if she hadn’t, I would’ve stayed with Layne and I would’ve put her in more danger. And God… I loved her.
When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them; I’ve hurt Layne continuously, like it’s my fucking job. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I knew I was ruining her life and I knew that the longer I stayed in it, the worse things were going to get for her. Bad luck revolved around me. Though, seeing her on the ground crying like that broke me; it twisted my stomach in anxious knots, wondering whether I did the right thing or not. It made me so nervous.
I knew, however, that she’d get over me soon. There are loads of nice guys at school who’ve been dying to take her out, nice guys with pleasant families and great futures ahead of them. Layne would be so much better off with a guy like that. It was nice of me to leave her in retrospect, right? I was doing her a favor by breaking up with her first; I saved her. It was the absolute least I could do after everything I’ve done to hurt her. If only I could’ve left Aiden. If only I was never born. If only, if only, if only.
Tonight was the first night in a while where I felt like I’d finally made the right choice. God knows I didn’t make the right choice one year ago today. Aiden probably would’ve killed me by now for leaving Layne. He’d probably say something along the lines of, “You cunt.” He grew up in a big, Irish family; it was their thing to swear like that.
The very thought of him and his family brought tears to my eyes, which wasn’t a good thing considering I’d just re-entered the party and already had a few tear stains on my cheeks after seeing Layne like that. He was like my fucking brother. Jesus (or as he would say, Jaysus- he liked to imitate his father’s Irish accent). Pictures of Aiden and Layne kept coming into my mind; enough of them to make me feel like I was dead.
Maybe breaking up with her wasn’t a good idea. No, fuck it, of course it was a good idea. Erica knew what she was doing when she told me to let Layne go. Then again…why the fuck should I have trusted Erica? I was a little bit drunk when she talked me into leaving my girlfriend, so why did I feel like it was a good idea? I don’t know.
My head immediately started to hurt, with all these contradicting thoughts running through my head. The party had continued like nothing happened after I left Layne outside, but I couldn’t help but notice all the disappointed, sympathetic stares I was getting. I walked into the kitchen, opened the cooler, and cracked open another beer when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked to my side and saw Erica standing next to me. She was tall enough that I didn’t have to look down to talk to her, like I had to with Layne.
“How did it feel?” she asked, raising a sharp eyebrow.
“What?” I asked, confusion clear across my face.
“You did break up with her, didn’t you?” she asked in that annoying little voice she used all the time.
“Yeah,” I told her, looking down and then back up into her almost black eyes. “You…you think I did the right thing, don’t you?”
“Of course you did, sweetie,” she said, pouting her bubblegum pink lips. It was kind of gross how you could see where her orange makeup ended right before the top of her lip.
“Layne will thank you when she’s safe and happy with someone new,” she said, nodding her head in reassurance. Suddenly, I had a quick flashback of sleeping with a girl who looked exactly like her at this very house just a few months ago. Should I ask? Well, I could always just say, Sorry, I’m a bit drunk.
“Did I sleep with you?” I asked, my words slurring together a little.
Her jaw clenched and her lips twisted in anger.
I guess I asked the wrong question.
“You fucking bastard,” she sneered, giving me a pathetic b*tch slap across the face. “You’re a man whore. We already went over this, like, a few months ago. I mean, seriously. Sleeping around while you had a girlfriend? That’s sickening.”
“Actually, no,” I said innocently, shaking my head. “I slept with you before I met Layne, which reminds me…how come I took your advice to break up with her? Sorry. I’m a bit drunk.”
Okay, I was really drunk.
“Oh,” she laughed bitterly. “You made the right choice, trust me. Aiden would be so fucking proud, you fucking murderer.”
Just because I was drunk doesn’t mean I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying to me. In fact, I heard her loud and clear.
“Keep Aiden out of this,” I hissed pushing her away. Her eyes softened a little and she didn’t say anything after that, so I figured she was done. I was still angry, though. I suddenly felt enraged; not just about Erica, but about Aiden, my mother, and especially Layne. I swallowed angrily and smashed my beer bottle on the ground, causing people to turn heads and quiet down. Erica looked at me with shocked, scarred eyes and started to back away.
“I don’t deserve this. Nobody deserves this,” I said in a strained voice.
“Hey man,” one of my football buddies said beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder to steady me. I was getting dizzier and dizzier by the second.
“Let me give you a ride back,” he said.
It was the first nice thing anyone (besides Layne) had done for me since Aiden died.
Layne’s POV
I cried from Friday night to Saturday afternoon, and I cried loudly in hopes that maybe Zach, right next door, would hear me and come comfort me, but he didn’t. I was alone. I didn’t get any sleep, but all the crying and all the thinking what could’ve been made me so tired that I eventually feel asleep that afternoon, but only for a few hours.
What if I’d said something different to him? What if I spontaneously kissed him when he said we were over? What if I never went to that goddamn house in the first place? What if he hadn’t broken up with me? What if? I was so sick and tired of what if.
I rolled out of bed, brushed my hair and put it in a loose ponytail, threw on a sweater, sweatpants, moccasins, and left. Who cares, I thought, Definitely not Zach.
I practically rolled down the stairs and towards the dining hall. It was 1:20 and I only had ten minutes until they put the food away until dinner, so it was going to be packed in there. I knew it was my entire fault, but all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and cry some more. If I had done that, however, I would’ve passed out from being so hungry. So, I got in line and ignored the sympathetic stares from literally everyone. Who did they think they were? They didn’t know shit about what happened last night. Great, now I sound like Zach.
I sighed, getting a plate with a little bit of rice and a glass of water and joined my friends at our usual table. Zach wasn’t there anymore; he sat with his football friends. I couldn’t help but look over at him and stare for a little while. He seemed just as depressed as I was from the looks of it, with his messy, black hair, sunken blue eyes, and stiff lips.
I wanted to crawl onto his lap and run my fingers through his hair and press my body to his and kiss him as hard as I could. You don’t know how good you have it until it’s gone. It just slipped right through my fingertips like water; it happened all too fast.
“Layne!” I heard somebody yell from behind me. It didn’t sound like any one my friends, so I turned around with a confused look on my face only to see Erica towering over me, running her fake, French nails through her fake, blonde hair.
“I told you I would get you two to break up,” she sneered.
I really wasn’t in the mood.
“What are you talking about?” I asked with little emotion in my voice.
“Who do you think convinced him he wasn’t good enough for you?” she laughed, making my friends and I glare at her. I tried to convince myself that people do things for a reason, but what could’ve possibly drive Erica to split up a perfectly good relationship?
“He’ll only be like this for a little while,” I said softly, looking over my shoulder at Zach again, who was now staring straight at me. “I know he will. He loves me.”
“Don’t be so sure, honey,” she hissed, leaning in closer to me to look more intimidating. “Because by the looks of it, he’s already gone.”
“You bitch!” I yelled, loud enough that the entire cafeteria went silent, my eyes watering. “What did I ever do to you?”
With that, I grabbed my plate and cup of water, put them on the conveyor belt, and ran out of the dining hall with my head in my hands. That was the first time I’d ever called anyone a bitch to their face and I felt horrible, despite what she did to me.
Nobody ran after me or tried to stop me; they just left me on my own.
That’s how it was for the next couple of months. I went back to what my life was like before I met Zach, reading books and constantly studying. Matt, Casey, and Sarah all sort of drifted away from me because we didn’t talk that much anymore. My only best friend was Joey, and even then, he’d be graduating soon and I’d be on my own for senior year.
I was losing sleep. I was losing friends. I suddenly understood why heartbroken people cried and why they stayed away from everyone when their hearts shattered. Heartbroken people needed space and time to heal, and that’s exactly what people gave me. I didn’t even have to ask.
My heart re-broke every time I passed Zach in the hallways or saw him at lunch or when he walked out of his bedroom when I was walking out of the bathroom. He didn’t say anything to me. I didn’t say anything to him. I got a sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I heard his name. It wasn’t just a birthday thing and it wasn’t all because of Erica and it wasn’t just because he was drunk that night. He obviously, really felt that he wasn’t good enough for me. He really didn’t want to hurt me; even though I was the most damaged I’d ever been in my life.
However, the infinity necklace never left my neck. He said forever and always and I wasn’t going to give up on us just yet.