THE BOAT RIDE TO LAND felt like a whole lifetime between my anxiety and the annoyed glances from JJ. As soon as we get back to the Chateau, John B and I hopped in the Twinkie.
I lay my head against the window as my head slightly hits it every so often. "I'm sure he's fine. He's Adrien. He might just be being dramatic," John B has his eyes on the road, gripping the steering wheel.
What he said doesn't annoy me because it is a completely possible thing. Adrien's lack of attention at home makes his crave any attention—negative or positive.
"You're right but he is just so naive and he thinks because he sells weed that he's like—smarter than me," I complain.
"Kinda like JJ." John B and I look at each other and I shuffle in my seat to get closer to the window. "JJ isn't naive, if anything he is too aware of the damage around us," The words leave my mouth barely above a whisper but he still hears it. A loud sigh leaves John B's mouth.
"Listen, just tell JJ."
I slowly lift my head off the window and turn to John B, "Tell him what exactly?"
My eyebrow is raised and my arms are crossed over my chest. He looks at me for a second and then smiles as he went back to the road, "Holy shit, you're both oblivious to each other it's so annoying." He starts tapping the steering wheel to the sound of the music in the back but I still look at him confused.
"What exactly are we oblivious to?"
"Your feelings. For each other."
I start coughing loudly at him and hold my chest in surprise. JJ is cute but he would never like me. I got that out of my head a long time ago and moved on. Now that John B said it the thoughts from 9th grade were suddenly back.
The ones where I looked at my best friend's lips a little too long that one time and I had to look away because his talking stage at the time was on her way to 'give me the sucky sucky'....his words not mine. Obviously.
"What are you on about?" My hand still on my chest and my voice raspy. "You like him. He likes you. Y'know, the others and I decided you guys are exempt from the no Pogue on Pogue macking."
"I don't like him, JB, and even if I did there's no chance he'd like me."
My head rests against the back of the car seat as he continues to the hospital. People in town know the van and some people fuck with it but the Kooks and their judgmental stares always annoy me. I feel like this sounds bad but at times I forget I'm technically a 'Kook'.
I was shamed and bullied by them when I was on The Cut. When I moved into the big brick house down the street from their big houses, nothing changed. The only one I've ever felt comfortable with is Sarah.
Dressing somewhat dark and having different phases is looked down upon by Kooks.
If you aren't a Vineyard Vines member and wear a seashell necklace— you are considered weird so God forbid I have a piercing or two.
Sarah though, she always compliments me. She's jealous of my piercings and always says she wants one but is scared of the pain.
Same with Kie, JJ, JB and Pope. There was never a time where I didn't feel accepted by them even with my lack of beach clothes or bandanas.
"Goth chicks are hot"
"I'm not goth JJ."
"Oh."
John B nudges me out of my thoughts when I see we are parked outside of the hospital. I puff up my cheeks and let air out as my hand grips the car handle to leave.
"Want me to come?" His eyes tell me he's more scared for me rather than concerned, not knowing whether or not I could get into a brutal argument with my unconscious ex. Anything is possible.
"Do you want to?" I ask.
He pierces his lips and thinks for a second, "Yeah," he turns his hat backwards, "I do."
Both car doors slam shut and the anxiety that was calm before started shaking up in me. My hands are glued to my pockets and my eyes are glued to the pavement. My brain takes notes of different pebbles. Anything is better than the worry flooding my brain.
"You don't have to go. He won't even know if you don't. He broke up with you Sam. You don't owe him anything."
That's the problem, I know I don't but my heart wants to see him. Adrien is a fuck up, no doubt but for a long time he was almost done being a fuck up. I thought it was my doing. Maybe if he saw me at his bedside, he'd go back and at least be my friend again.
"I--I just need to see him. If he was jumped by the people he once called his friends—maybe he'll come back to us?" Adrien was in The Pogues for a bit. He was a Kook, born and raised. He didn't like Rafe or Topper though. He almost despised being a Kook. Ironic considering his closest friends were poor at the time.
It's almost like he forced himself to feel like a delinquent to not be like them. "Even if he did. Ain't no way he's coming back after everything."
I know.
John B holds the door open for me and the smell of the hospital hit me like a bag of bricks. My nose scrunching up as I walk over to the receptionist. People stared like normal with their perfect teeth. Fake ones might I add.
"Hi, where is Adrien Calt's room?"
The receptionist smells like vanilla, probably trying to mask the scent of dying people. "Room 376. " She doesn't even look up at me, just the paper that had his whole name and room on it and pointed towards the elevator.
"...Thanks?" I push myself off the counter and nod towards the elevator.
I press the up button.
"This isn't a good idea." John B whispers.
"I know," I stubbornly say back. The doors open and we walk in.
"So if you know-" I press the button for floor 3 "-why are we here? There is no fixing him Sam. You're only here because you think the amount of 'love' he gives you is what you deserve."
God—he really needs to get off this trying to change my mind thing. I swing my arm and I punch him in the bicep, "Stop going on fucking cheesy quotes. That's from Perks of being a Wallflower."
"Which happens to be your favorite quote?"
"You're so annoying."
"I know."
Nurses and old people flood the halls and I fly down the hall looking for 376. "Slow down!" John B yells and proceeded to get shushed by a nurse.
372....
374....
Boom
376...
I stare at the number on the door and walk into the cold room. There's a curtain with one of those shitty hospital patterns and a constant beeping to let me know he's alive.
I hear slight weeping when I turn the corner and there she is.
The girl Adrien cheated on me with.
They're both to blame, she knows we were together.
The urge to leave came over me but before I could make a clean getaway she looks up from her tissue and stares at me.
"What are you doing here?" She has obviously been crying for a while as her probably $50 mascara is stained on her cheeks. It's an amusing sight to see.
Rage goes through me but I'm not here for a fight, of course I'd be ready for one but that's not why I ended the hang out with my friends so early.
I step closer and finally I could see around the curtain. Adrien is hooked up to so much shit it broke my heart. Yet, he looks peaceful for once. Not a sight of anger on his freckled face. "Did they jump him?" I ask not even looking at her, my eyes are stuck on him and his hospital gown.
She smacks her $500 purse, "Honestly, why do you care? You're the one who said you wanted him dead right? You almost got your wish!"
Thanks for the reminder.
That's the other reason I feel so guilty if anything happened, what if my regretful wish came true?
"Did they jump him?" I repeat the question more aggressively.
I hear other people walk in so I assume it's for the old guy next to Adrien. "Oh—so now you're getting aggressive? What are you gonna do? Hit me with a pole like your plan all those years ago?"
The annoying whining voice I heard for years when she bullied me and ruined my life is even louder.
Amelia scoffs and stands up.
Now I look at her and whatever glare I sent her must've scared her because she backs down a bit from me. Dumb bitch.
Amelia is and always will be the complete opposite of me.
French tip nails with expensive shoes that were always so damn ugly.
I was confused on why he cheated on me with her, she's a total bitch. Then again, maybe he tried so hard to get away from me he fucked the opposite of me.
"They have knives in this building you wanna bet I won't use one on your plastic nose?" My arms cross against my chest and my head held high.
"That's a threat. I can literally sue you-"
"You forget I can afford a lawyer now?" I snap back at her. Her confidence in her remark drops and she sits back down. "Why can't you just leave him alone?"
I laugh at her and bite my tongue to stop myself from causing a full-blown argument in a hospital.
I see her legs cross out of the corner of my eyes. "What? Don't have anything to say? Go suck JJ's dick or something. Isn't that what he does to every girl he knows?" My eyes shift to her again with anger. All she does is want an argument. It's all she ever wants.
I move from the other side of the bed over to where the chair is.
"Well, he knows you and didn't let you suck his dick right? I can assure you his standards are not that low," I look down at her and could see her brown roots growing in from her fake blonde.
"Adrien can't say the same-" Amelia stands up in front of me. She is shorter than me so I'm still looking down at her but matching eye contact "-Some of us actually like ourselves enough to have sex with our boyfriends."
I hear more shuffling from the other side of the curtain. My right hand instinctively goes up but only to my hip before the logical side of my brain takes over and puts it down.
The smirk on Amelia's face looks ridiculous. I want to wipe it off of her so bad.
We're in a hospital, she'd be taken care of.
No—no—I'm better than her. I turn on my heel and go to leave.
"Maybe Adrien just didn't wanna fuck a fat bitch."
Alright.
I turn on my heel again and stomp over to Amelia and she actually looks scared but she has nowhere to go.
My right hand is clenched into a fist and I pick it up to hit her but before I could my body is grabbed and flung over someone's shoulder.
FUCKING JJ.
His damn COLOGNE.
I start smacking his back,"JJ LET ME GO!"
"We are in a hospital shut the fuck up!"
"Next time you wanna make fun of someone's weight make sure you know how much of your weight is plastic, Amelia. Have a good day!" John B insults her as JJ's dumbass carries me out. I'm using all my strength to try to wiggle out of his grasp but the kid is too strong.
John B is suddenly in eye sight when I look up from smacking the blonde. "John B! Tell him to put me down!" He starts walking out of the hospital along with JJ. Without looking at me JB says, "Nope, no assault charges today, Sam!" He snaps his fingers and we walk down the hall.
"J! JJ Maybank!" Nurses and everyone are looking at us more than before. This is embarrassing. "Great, now all these lovely ladies know my name!" JJ says as cocky as ever.
I already know he's doing finger guns at the poor nurses.
His hand wrapped around my waist and he acts like it's nothing to him as he marches into the elevator and puts me down. I'm in between the two boys but I push JJ first; his back hitting the metal of the elevator.
"What the fuck?! Why are you even here?" He's smiling. "John B told me to follow y'all incase something happened. Something about me being your soft spot? Is that true, sweetie? Am I your soft spot?" He asks the last thing with a mocking tone but still smiling.
"You're both dickheads," I tell them.
"No, we both know your hands are rated E for everyone." Now it's John B's turn to get punched.
"Ow!" He rubs his bicep.
I show him my hands,"I have my rings on mothefucker."
"I can tell," He says, still rubbing on his shoulder.
"Take me home." My brain can't tell if I'm pissed or thankful for them. I know she would charge me with assault if I laid a hand on her but like I said, I can afford it now. Ever since Adrien, JJ has been treating me like glass, like at a slight wind gust I'd bust into pieces.
"Actually, I have weed I owe you and it's only 2:30pm, so we're going to have a nice conversation."
The elevator doors open and I stomp to the doors, not even waiting for them. I know I'm acting like a child but he threw me over his shoulder like an uncontrollable raccoon. The sun hitting me again makes me cover my eyes while I scowl all the way to the van.
I grab the handle and tug. It's locked. Of course.
I don't even want to look at them. Their giggles are enough to annoy me.
"No one would steal this piece of shit!" I yell.
They don't respond, not buying into my attitude I guess.
I'd like to think the reason I get so pissed at them is because even after five years I'm not used to having good friends. It's just stuck in my head that they're there so I don't off myself and get blamed.
They always tell me that there's no way that's true.
The other side of me just thinks I'm too mentally fucked to accept love.
Yet it's all I've ever wanted.
The boys get closer and John B unlocks the van. I open the sliding door and hop into the backseat.
JJ hops in too.
"Can't you go in the front?" I ask bitterly.
"Next time I get into a fight I'm going to act like you are," JJ says with a head tilt. I lean back from him and laugh.
"What?" He asks like it's not obvious.
"You do act like this."
He scoffs, "No—"
"Yes. You do. You're both impulsive. Smoke weed and shut up," JB interrupts.
JJ and I exchange glances.
"So, I forgot the paper—"
"JJ!"
—