James looks everywhere, absurdly uncomfortable and before I can say anything else, or he gives a reply to my questions, he turns around and runs away and I’m too awestruck to move for three whole seconds, which gives him a lot of advantage.
“JAMES!” I cry when I finally react and run downstairs to catch up with him, the desperation making me clumsy and I almost trip once. Not that I care if I fall or anything, no one but James would see me and I can’t die. Not again, at least. “Please, wait!” I beg almost reaching him when he’s leaving the building. “Please.”
Reluctantly, he turns around and looks at me with these pitiful eyes. It hurts, it hurts enormously but at the same time it’s so thrilling because it’s been so long since someone actually met my eyes. Since someone regarded my existence even if it was for a second. Oh God, how much I’ve missed this. I still can’t believe it is happening.
James looks around, maybe making sure no one else is around. Then .he cusses under his breath. “Shit, shit, shit!”
“Don’t run, please. I— I don’t know why you can see me or why you can actually hear me, but I can’t remember when I was this happy. Do you understand how—?”
My question is interrupted by him. “Please, Paige, leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you or anyone else. I’m begging you, leave me alone.”
“But how can I—?” I try again but he shakes his head.
“Leave me alone. Don’t you understand those words? I’m busy and contrary to you, I am alive and I need to do my assignments. I have deadlines hanging on me and I can’t afford to flunk my classes,” he tells me and I feel terrible. “I should’ve known better. No wonder why you never worked I thought you were just… ugh!” he groans before running his hands over his dreads. I notice they are shorter than the first time I saw him, which means maybe he cut them. I also notice his hair is lighter than I first saw. Not just plain brown but like dirty blond and now the dreads reach past his shoulders. He keeps them tied at his nape, with another dread surrounding them all like an elastic band. He’s normally wearing the hood up or with a beanie, but with the frustration now he has pulled the hood down. I also notice his eyes today are bluer than usual and I wonder if it’s because, miraculously, the sun is shining right now, although there are many dark clouds around and it’s clear this won’t last.
“I know but this… it’s just that… don’t you know what it’s like having no one to talk? Ever?”
“I don’t but I wish I knew. You seem incapable of understanding that I don’t wanna talk. Leave me alone!” he yells and I blink in surprise, trying to keep my expression neutral.
I can’t cry. I feel like crying and all that, but I can’t physically cry. I’m dead, after all. I’m stuck as I died, with the same clothes, the same hair and the same body fluids. I can’t cry, I can’t bleed, I can’t anything. I just… exist. In a weird way.
“It’s not nice,” I mumble and he shakes his head.
“Let me know that! Ugh, just stop following me, okay? Stop talking to me. Leave me alone!”
This time he doesn’t wait for a reply from me, he just turns around and leaves with long strides that increase the distance between us quickly. I don’t move. I just wrap my arms around my own body, trying to pull myself together. So many emotions swirling inside of me, tackling me from every direction.
It’s been so long since I died. I don’t know how long, I don’t even remember how it happened or when it happened. My memories are scarce and they merge, making it all confusing. I don’t know if what I remember happening was when I was alive or when I was dead. The only thing I’m certain of is that the bullying stopped. That it was chaos and hell and then it was silence. No one looked at me, no one talked to me, no one answered me and I was all by myself.
Stuck. And I don’t know why.
But for the first time in I don’t know how long, someone heard me. Someone talked back. Someone looked me in the eyes and I can’t stop shaking. For so long I’ve talked and talked but no one replied and now someone can actually tell me to shut up. Even that is glorious. Someone said my name without crying.
I laugh out loud, I can’t help it. It didn’t go smoothly and yeah, James yelled at me to leave him alone. But it’s not like I’m good at listening to people or like I can let this opportunity slip from my fingers.
I step outside Block E just at the same time the clouds have completely covered the little bit of sun we had before and then a few drops start pouring. I look at the sky with the smile still on my lips and I laugh some more before I start towards my home.
I wonder why it is that James can see me. Is it only me or can he see others like me? Are there any others like me? If there are, I’ve never stumbled across one of them. Although I wonder if I could recognise one. I don’t look any different from when I was alive. I’m not any paler or fainter, I don’t smell like decomposition. I don’t drag chains or float. I look exactly like I did before and I know it because I can still see my reflection. I’ve seen the same girl in the brown boots, dress and denim jacket for too long, with her light brown curls to her shoulders and brown eyes.
How could I recognise another like me, if there’s someone else like me out there? James didn’t know I was a ghost until I mentioned it.
Not this again, he mumbled at some point. Does that mean this has happened to him before? The whole seeing a ghost? Could he know more about ghosts than I do? Am I even a ghost? Maybe I’m something different, but I don’t know what to call myself. I just know I’m dead. But I can still touch things and I have emotions. I don’t feel the touch of things, but I know I can touch them, like opening doors or grabbing some other clothes to put on top and look at the mirror, pretending I can wear something else. I can also touch Luna and she can see me, but she’s a cat. I think all animals can see me. I’ve touched people and it has different effects on everyone. Normally when I touch mum she cries. When I touch any of my classmates they shiver.
When I get home I have so many questions, things I never questioned or if I did I can’t remember ever finding something about it. No one can answer my questions, no one could help me out and I’ve been doing the same over and over again. I never tried to investigate more about my state.
But now something is different and even if James wants me to leave him alone, I can’t. I have to ask him! If he’s seen others like me then he must know how to move on or something else. Maybe he can introduce me to someone else like me so I won’t be alone for the rest of existence.
“Mum!” I call, my voice so cheery and loud that it wakes Luna, sleeping on the counter in the kitchen. Once again, Mum is already there, absentmindedly watching the telly with a mug of tea between her hands. “Mum, you’ll never know what happened today!” I say, going to Luna first to stroke her fur and kiss her head, playing with her whiskers for a little while before I turn around and sit across Mum, covering the telly with my body but that doesn’t seem to affect her. “Mum, someone saw me today!” I tell her, bouncing on my seat.
Luna jumps down and scrubs herself against Mum’s leg and then against mine. I get distracted to grab her and sit her on my lap and then run my fingers through her fur. Mum can’t see me because Luna is between the chair and the table and Mum’s glance is fixed on the telly.
“Remember the new classmate I told you about? James Black? He can see me, Mum! And he can also hear me. Today he said something back to me. Well, he was mostly telling me to leave him alone because he doesn’t wanna make friends with anyone, but that’s irrelevant right now, the point is that he saw me and I talked to someone, Mum! I can’t believe this actually happened I think I’m might burst out giggling again,” I confess in a hurry and cue to my words I start giggling.
A little smile crosses Mum’s features, although her eyes look as hollow as usual, as empty and almost teary.
I think she’s been like this since I died, whenever that happened. I try to reach her every day, hoping she can hear me somehow or feel me. I want her to know I’m still with her, I didn’t leave her or anything, but it doesn’t seem to work. Although sometimes I think a part of her knows I’m here. Like how now she’s smiling a bit because I’m laughing. Maybe she can hear that and remember of all those times I laughed at home.
Home. It was the only place where I was actually happy, where no one could hurt me and where I was loved.
Mum used to be such an optimistic and happy person. She always knew what to say to make me feel better, even a little bit. She would walk into my room with two mugs full of her perfect tea and would let me rant about college and how everything was so horrible. She’d let me cry and then stroke my hair, promising that after two years it would be over. That in uni people aren’t that mean and immature and I would be fine. She smiled at me and told me I was a wonderful girl and it was my classmates’ loss for not seeing what I had to offer, but she could and she was always grateful because I was her greatest blessing.
I’ve haven’t seen her smile like that again.
I barely remember Dad, but I know that when Mum became like this he couldn’t reach her. He was also mourning but he felt so alone and seeing Mum only made it worse. He left her. He left us.
“Mum, maybe James knows more about my condition and maybe he knows how to communicate with others. Maybe he can help me or teach me something. Maybe there’s a way for you to see me and hear me, too and then it’ll be the two of us. I’ll always be by your side, Mum. I won’t leave you, okay?” I tell her and that little smile quivers before she looks down, her eyes lost in her tea and I can see a tear falling in. I reach out to touch her, to grab her hands, surrounding hers with mine. “Mum,” I call and she lets a sob escapes.
“Paige,” she whines, more tears falling into her tea and I feel like crying, too, but I can’t again.
You know that feeling when you know you’ll sneeze and you are about to but you can’t? And it annoys you and it hurts you? That’s exactly how it feels feeling like crying, wanting to cry but not being able to.
“Mum,” I say and she sobs more, taking her hands away from the mug and covering her face with them, muffling the sobs.
I can only watch her, not knowing how to stop this suffering. I want her to know I’m okay. Just lonely, but okay. And I’m with her. And maybe now I won’t be this lonely.
“My baby girl… I miss you,” she cries and I feel a lump in my throat, choking me.
“Mum, I’m all right. No reason to miss me, I’m here with you. Just… listen to me. I’m here,” I try like I’ve tried another million times but it doesn’t work, it only seems to make it worse.
Do I make it all worse? But I don’t know what to do if I don’t come back home. What would happen to Mum if I’m not around anymore? Who will look after her? Who would wish her goodnight and make sure she unplugged everything before falling asleep? Who could bring a blanket and cover her with it when she falls asleep on the sofa, watching old tapes of when I was a kid?
No, Mum needs me even if right now she is crying.
I’ll ask James tomorrow what he knows and if he knows of someone else. Maybe he knows of a way to communicate with my mum, to reassure her I’m fine. Maybe there’s a way and I’m closer than ever to changing something. I’ve been stuck for so long but maybe now something will change. I have a sliver of hope that I didn’t have before and I’ll hold on to this even if I annoy the living days out of James. Once he answers my questions then I’ll leave him alone. I’ve been like this for too long; I can’t let this chance go. I don’t know if it’ll ever present itself.
Maybe he knows nothing, but it’s a start and that’s better than nothing.
“It’ll be fine, Mum. Don’t worry, okay? Can you hear me? It’ll be okay,” I promise her, with more conviction than I’ve ever felt.
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I'm so sorry I couldn't update yesterday, I wasn't home and I didn't have access to a computer. I hope you can forgive me and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was fun to see how many were "I called it" and how many were "Holy plot twist!" hehehe. I love hearing your thoughts so keep commenting.
The shout out to the previous best comment goes to @strawverrie
Also, Paige's mum in the multimedia.
Bel, xx