Fan: I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird because I'm probably gay based on the way I act and behave, and... have walked and talked for 21 years. I think I was supposed to be gay! I think in Heaven, they built, like, three quarters of a gay person, and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just sent me out, and it was like:
Adam: You marked that one gay, right?
Brian: Oh no, was I supposed to?!
Adam: Oh, man! Well, this'll be a very interesting person!
Brian: ...This'll be a very silly person.
Fan: I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. A lot of little boys are gay, you know? They're very flowy and they have hard opinions on things. I don't mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that's not what I mean! When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man that's kinda over it sexually, you know? I was just like an old queen. I would come out to the recess yard, and I would be like:
Young Fan: Everyone, GET OUT OF MY WAY! I just wanna sit here and feed my birds!
Fan: The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball, and then I would be like:
Young Fan: You want me to do what?
Fan: Real quick, uh, this happened pretty recently, I was at a restaurant near here in the West Village, and I was at the urinal, and, uh, an old gay man came in with a walker, like this, and he said this to me. He went:
Lifering: I'm either having a drink, or I have to pee. You're living the golden years, kid, not me!
Fan: Like, he spoke in rhymes; it was crazy! It was such a weird interaction that I wasn't sure if it actually happened! I came out of the bathroom, and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, "Did you see like, and old man follow me in the bathroom?" And she was like:
Test Tube: Fan, that bathroom's been closed for FORTY YEARS!
Fan: Whooooa! WHOOAAAAA!!!
Fan: Where was I? I- I'm not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, and... she is a female person. It's going very well! I love her very much, and so a few months ago, she was like:
Test Tube: Okay, it's going well, so now, uh, I should meet your parents. Because that's what people do when a relationship is going well. They meet each others' parents.
Fan: And I've never understood that! I've never been with my girlfriend, and thought, like:
Fan: Ohhhh, honey, tonight is going great.~ But do you know what would make it perfect? Palm Leaf and Paper Lantern Breeze! Come on! Let's get them in the mix! We've been going pretty hot and heavy lately; I think it's time we bring in two older Catholic people!