diary entries
I don't know how to start this. What am I supposed to say in things like this? Diary entries? God, I haven't even touched this book in ages. It's been what? Two years? It's been a long two years since I convinced my dad to let me finish up my therapy sessions, it's been two years since my last session where my therapist told me to write diary entries in this book. It's been sitting on my desk, untouched for two years, so why am I writing in it now?
It's simple; I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lonely, afraid, scared, unsure of what my life will be like. My mom's back, I don't know how I feel about that. I had to talk to my ex-boyfriend which made my insides twist and curl up, and the one guy I let myself open up to, let me down even after promising he wouldn't.
I hate making promises.
Anyway, I was going to address this as 'Dear Diary,' but that felt weird because no one is going to ever read this first of all, and second of all, dear diary?? What's the point in that? Can't I just write the date and start writing? But my therapist did say it was good to address who I was writing to at the start of every entry, so I guess I'll start addressing one person whenever I write in here.
Dear Sunghoon,
I feel lonely.
There's nothing that can make me any more lonely than not being with you, or. . . Jungwon.
Sure, I have Seo-Jun and Ji-Woo, Ha-Yoon and Seo-Yun, but nothing's quite like hanging out with you, or sharing daily photos with Jungwon. There's nothing quite like resting against you on my couch as we watch k-dramas together, or feeling Jungwon's knees against mine as we sit side-by-side in class.
I also feel empty.
Why?
Well, I made an exception for Jungwon, I made promises with him, I gave him my heart even if he wasn't asking for it, and he let me down. He didn't necessarily leave me, but it felt like he did in that moment.
My coping mechanisms so far: listening to Taylor Swift, watching It's Okay To Not Be Okay, Crash Landing Onto You, and Goblin. That's it. I've been lying in my bed, crying my heart out, then getting out of bed to pee and eat, avoiding my father's words, avoiding my stepmother's looks, my sibling's attempts at conversations. They don't understand how I feel. Not like how you do, Sunghoon.
I miss you. I miss Jungwon. But I don't miss my mother.
Love, Yuri.
Dear Sunghoon,
It's been a couple of days since my last entry. I've decided I can't be bothered to write the date, I don't need to be constantly reminded of my exact worst days whenever I look through this pathetic pink diary (or journal, whatever you wanna call it).
I saw Jungwon at school today, Hoonie, he looked the same. Handsome. Breathtakingly cute. Like he was built by hand by the Gods. I bet Jungwon could easily part the Pacific Ocean with his bare hands. I wanted to go sit beside him and forgive him, but I don't give out any second chances. I guess that's clear from my past failed relationships; with my mom, with Saem and. . With Do-Yun.
I don't like talking about Do-Yun that much. She was a big part of my life until she wasn't. She made stupid choices, she spoke stupid words that still make my heart hurt. Just thinking about her makes me feel the pain I felt when I was fifteen and listening to Do-Yun talk about me to her other friends, I can still feel the rage I felt at that time. I can still remember throwing my books at Do-Yun. I can still remember calling her nasty names, I can still remember crying in the principles office.
I bet if you saw me then, Sunghoon, you wouldn't want to be my friend.
When I was fifteen, I had the worst year of my life. I thought nothing could get any worse than that year, but this year is giving it a run for its money. Last year was bad too, I dated Saem and found out I could never ice skate competitively again, but still, nothing can replace the emotions I felt when I was only fifteen years old.
I feel like the only good thing this year was meeting you. Meeting ENHYPEN. (And Jungwon, but just writing his name and thinking of him makes me want to cry).
Do you think I could meet Tomorrow X Together?
(You don't have to say yes, I just want to meet Soobin and hug him.)
Anyway, school was okay, aside from seeing Jungwon in most of my classes, aside from seeing Do-Yun talk with Jungwon. I was able to hang out with my friends and at least smile. I was able to forget about my mommy issues at school. But, it all came back when my dad was late to pick me up again. He's spending more time with my mother, I don't know why and I don't want to know.
Sunghoon, whenever she comes over I stay in my room. I can't see her again. She ruined my life and no one seems to understand that. Sometimes, I feel like even you don't understand that. She handed me my first love, she was there to support me, but then she left me when I was thirteen. When I was beginning to mature, when ice skating was becoming more competitive. I needed her Sunghoon, I needed her badly, but she left me without a second thought. Without looking back.
Oh, it's dinner time.
I notice how short these entries are, but I don't have much to say. I'll probably text you after dinner, so wait for me.
Love, Yuri.
Dear Sunghoon,
I saw Jungwon again today. He tried to talk to me. I wanted to talk to him badly, I really did, but Ha-Yoon and Ji-Woo dragged me away before I could say anything back. He just asked how I was, but it still made my heart swell and my chest warm. God, I like him a lot, don't I?
I have a feeling Serendipity by Jimin might be my top played song this year on Spotify Wrapped. The song reminds me of Jungwon for some reason. So, I usually cry whenever I listen to this song.
Sunghoon, did you know crying is apparently good for you? But is it good if I cry almost every night because my life is fucked up? (Yeah, I swore, what are you gonna do about it?) I just want this feeling to pass. I want to go back to last month, where my mom wasn't around, where I was feeling happy whenever Jungwon was around, when I had just first met you and saw how happier my future would be with you in it.
Other than Jungwon trying to talk to me today, school was better. Seo-Jun cheered me up with stories of his family. I miss my aunt and uncle, hopefully, we can all have a family dinner again, being around Seo-Jun and my other family members makes me happy. (Don't tell Seo-Jun, but he's my favorite cousin).
OH! Sunghoon, Haneul was asking me about Jungwon today, she still talks to him and was asking me why Jungwon hasn't come around lately, and why you've been around instead of him. I couldn't answer her. She asked if I liked you better than Jungwon. I couldn't answer that question either.
Studying for exams always wrecks me. I hate it. I stay up so late, I stay late at school, I forget to eat or pee, it's kinda bad, just like all my other coping mechanisms. All Too Well by Taylor Swift always makes me sad, just thought you should know.
We should go ice skating again, Sunghoon, it was so much fun when we last did it. I kinda miss ice skating again, and I have you to blame for that. In fact, you've come a scapegoat for most of the things I find myself falling in love with again. Like ice skating. And Jungwon
Wait. I can't erase that, but I can't be bothered to scribble it out because it's not like anyone is going to read this. Well, yeah it's true. I think I love Jungwon, but I'm only seventeen, so what do I know about love? It's just a bunch of bullshit at this point, but yet, my heart is still continuously longing for Jungwon without any regard for the consequences.
I still feel lonely, Sunghoon, and I don't know when that feeling will ever go away. How can it go away? Do you have any answers? Any cures? I'm open to anything and everything. Please, I just want it to go away, Hoonie.
I still miss you a lot.
I still miss Jungwon more than I should.
What is wrong with me? Do you have any answers, Sunghoon?
Love, Yuri.
Dear Sunghoon,
I don't have much time to say today. I saw Jungwon again, he looked so devastatingly handsome. I was texting you for most of the day. I miss you, even though I will probably never tell you that. Today felt weird, for many reasons. One; my dad actually picked me up on time which definitely gave me a surprise, and then we went out for dinner, which is something we never do. I feel like bad news is bound to break at any moment. Everything feels so dark and gloomy in my house. Or is it just me?
Oh, I did go through my camera roll today. There were lots of photos of Jungwon, and Jungwon and I taking selfies. I tried to delete them all, but I couldn't. It's bad, Sunghoon, I can't even change Jungwon's contact name from 'kitty.' I just can't.
I fall asleep dreaming of Jungwon. I wake up thinking of Jungwon. I want to give him a second chance so badly, but I'm afraid. What if he fucks up this chance? The only second chance I'll ever give someone? Sunghoon, I'm so afraid of myself. I'm so afraid of admitting my feelings, of coming to terms with how fucked up I am. Writing in this stupid diary isn't working, in fact, it's making me feel more emotions, nothing about writing down how I feel is therapeutic. I still feel as shitty as ever. Time ten.
It's 2 AM as I write this, you're probably sleeping peacefully. You're cute when you sleep, Sunghoon. Did you know that? Heeseung sent me a photo of you sleeping last week. Yeah, I've talked to Heeseung a couple of times. He's nice and funny, he reminds me of Jungon in a way. I don't know how, but he just does.
I made some cookies today and I haven't cried once today. That's bound to change because I have a feeling Ghosting by Tomorrow X Together is the next song that's going to play through my headphones.
I was correct.
If I ever meet TXT, I want to ask them what made them make Ghosting. It ruins me. It completely tears down my walls. Whenever that song plays, I'm swimming in my own tears. Ji-Woo also agrees with me on that. We both cry to Ghosting often because our lives aren't as smooth as others.
Do-Yun was talking to Jungwon again today. She's taken my seat next to him in business class. I'm continuously telling myself I don't mind, but whenever I hear Do-Yun laugh, I grow angry. And jealous.
Everything and everybody is telling me to give Jungwon a second chance. Should I, Sunghoon? You have to tell me what to do because I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. Please, tell me what to do Sunghoon. I need you more than ever.
I'm tired. I might rewatch Strong Girl Bong-Soon again.
Goodnight Hoonie♡♡
Love, Yuri.
Dear Jungwon,
Why?
What happened?
I'm so mad, angry, upset, confused, bitter, anxious, any other sad emotion.
But, I also miss you. A lot.
Yeah, I don't know why I'm writing this. I think I'm going to tear this page out of this book.
I think I love you. I don't know. I'm seventeen. I'm a hopeless romantic. I think any emotion I feel is love.
Whatever.
See you at school.