Epilogue – Part 7
"Can I just skip?" I asked Sancho while he was practically dragging me to the venue.
"Pukpok ko sa ulo mo 'yung Rules of Court," he replied.
Today's the oath taking. Mom called me twice last week. She texted me yesterday asking if I wanted her to go. I didn't reply. I didn't know if I wanted her there... but I couldn't bring myself to tell her that because I knew that she wanted to be there for me. But I didn't want to see her. Seeing her would remind me of everything I wanted to forget.
Sometimes, silence should mean no.
And leave it at that.
Vito said that he'd just meet us at the venue. But when we arrived, he was not yet there. Sancho called him to ask where he was because before we could officially become lawyers, we still needed to take the oath and sign the roll.
Me? I just wanted to get drunk.
"Where's he?" I asked because if I needed to be here and to suffer, Vito should be here as well. It's what friends are for.
"Shanelle," he replied.
"Oh," I said and left it at that. We just waited quietly for Vito to arrive. Sancho and I probably looked so out of place here because I saw a lot of families. They looked happy—good for them, really. I just really realized how being happy is a privilege that shouldn't be taken for granted. It's hard to be happy. It takes a lot of work.
But then there were people without family—like us.
Sancho didn't invite his family although I heard Rome wanted to go here. I didn't want my family here. Vito? I didn't think they were very interested with him being a lawyer. Still, his dad believed that this was just a 'phase' in Vito's life.
We really lucked out with our parents.
After a while, Vito finally arrived. He was wearing his barong like us.
"How's Shanelle?" I asked.
"Bad," he replied.
I didn't say anything after that because really, what else was there to say? That one had a lot of pride—it must've really hurt when she failed the BAR.
And as much as I wanted to tell her that it's fine and no one's judging her for failing, I knew that it's none of my business. It's something that only she could deal with. All I told her was that if she needed someone to talk to or to drink with, she should hit me up.
We went inside and went to our respective seats. I saw a lot of familiar faces, but I was in no mood to socialize. I only thanked them when they congratulated me about topping the BAR. I knew I should be happy about this... but I really was in no celebratory mood. I knew that the only reason why I was able to top the BAR was because I had no choice but to concentrate on studying.
I didn't think I'd ever be able to be proud about topping the BAR whilst fully knowing what it took to reach that point.
"This won't be possible without my partner," Iñigo said that made me roll my eyes. "Some may say that it's because of my hard work, but we both know that you're really the reason why I'm here. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for the late-night reviews. Thank you for staying up late so that I won't be alone reviewing. Thank you for the random pop quiz. Thank you for feeding me always. Thank you for making sure that I'd be at my best. Thank you for staying. Thank you for pushing me to be the best version of myself... And just thank you... for believing in me when I doubted myself."
"I didn't need to hear that," I told Vito.
He nodded. "I know."
Sancho just rolled his eyes and shook his head.
After Iñigo's rather cheesy speech, we went out of the venue. I saw Anne once again and congratulated her, too.
"You should give her a loyalty award," Vito said.
"Shut up," I replied. If any, I actually admired her... yeah, loyalty. She's been consistent ever since our first year in law school. Come to think of it, I've never even heard anything about her dating anyone. Or maybe it's just because I wasn't that interested to actually listen when anybody's talking? But in all honesty, she didn't look too bad—and to be honest, had we met in different circumstances, I probably would've said yes. But we didn't. It's just not meant to be.
"What now?" I asked when we were standing before our car. We weren't officially lawyers yet, anyway. We still needed to sign the roll.
"Inom?" Sancho asked.
"Inom," Vito replied.
"Yes, please," I said before we all went to our respective cars and drove to some bar to get drunk.
* * *
"I just wanna hear her voice," I said as I got my phone, but Vito was quick to snatch it away from me. We've been here for a few hours. "Hey!" I said, frowning.
"You'll thank me tomorrow," he replied as he handed my phone to Sancho.
"My phone, please," I asked.
"No."
I groaned. "Come on," I said. "I won't bother her or anything..." I continued. "I just... I just want to hear her voice..."
They both did not say anything. I looked at them and saw pity on their faces. I didn't need that—not right now. I just really wanted to hear her voice... because it's been so long and I missed her so bad...
I stood up when I realized that there's no point with arguing with them. I got out to breathe. I looked around. I wanted to smoke... but instead, I saw some woman using her phone. I walked towards her.
"Hey," I said.
She looked at me. "H-hey," she replied.
"Can I borrow your phone?" I asked. "I just need to call someone," I added. She didn't reply and she just looked at me. "I'll pay you," I said and then realized that my things were inside with Vito and Sancho. I tried to look if I had anything in my pocket, but I had nothing. "Here," I said as I removed my watch. "It's relatively new," I continued as I tried to give her my watch so that she'll lend me her phone.
I wanted to hear Jersey's voice.
I needed to know that she's okay.
Because I couldn't go to her...
I shouldn't see her face.
Because I knew that once I do, I would just... give in. I would go back to her and forget why we couldn't work out in the first place. I would subject myself to that torture once again.
Why couldn't I just be happy?
Why was it easier to be sad?
"Thank you," I said when she handed me her phone. I tried to give her my watch, but she said that there's no need. I thanked her again as I took a few steps away from her to give myself some privacy.
I dialed her number from memory.
I heard my heart beating as I waited for her to pick up the phone.
"Hello," she said. "Hello," she repeated.
I knew I should've put the call on mute... but I wanted her to hear me breathe... I couldn't talk... I couldn't say anything to her... but I wanted her to know that I was here...
That even though we're already over, I was still thinking about her. And I think I would always think about her.
Why did I have to love her so much?
Why couldn't I have loved her just the right amount?
If I did... then this wouldn't be as hard.
"Nikolai," she said.
I bit my lower lip and just focused on breathing.
"Lasing ka na naman, no?" she asked. I hated that I could see in my head how she looked right now. I hated how in the short amount of time we spent together, I felt like I knew everything about her...
Yet why couldn't I still get past the thought of her being with my dad? Why couldn't I be a bigger person? Why couldn't I just let go?
"May kasama ka ba? 'Wag kang magda-drive ng lasing, please..."
I wanted to tell her that I was with Vito and Shanelle. I wanted to tell her that I already started working and how hard it was because every time I'd see my mom, I felt guilty because I couldn't be on her side and I just kept on defending you against her, against everyone.
Was it crazy? Was it crazy how I threatened everyone to stop talking about what happened on my party? Because deep inside me—in the deepest part of my fucked-up self—I kept on hoping that one day, we'd be fine... and then we'd get back together... and this... everything... this would all just be some phase that I'd never look back on.
"Okay naman ako, Nikolai. Nahihirapan ako... pero okay naman ako. Sana okay ka... Sana hindi ka malungkot... Sana 'wag kang masyadong magbago... Ayoko na maging dahilan kung bakit hindi ka na kagaya ng dati..."
I took a deep breath as I ended the call. I quickly wiped my eyes and took another deep breath as I went to the woman and handed her the phone.
"Thanks," I said before I went back inside and ordered myself some more drinks.
* * *
"Nikolai," Mom said.
"God, can't I have any privacy?" I asked after realizing that she was inside my unit. I pulled the covers up my face. I wanted to sleep some more... but I couldn't because I knew that she was standing right there. So, I sat down and looked at her. "What?" I asked.
"It's been months since you became a lawyer," she said.
"I'm aware."
She looked at me in the same way that she would look at my dad whenever he'd say something smart. I internally chastised myself. I didn't want to be like my dad. It killed me to know how much alike we were—to the point that we have the same taste in—
'Yeah... let's not go there right now, Nikolai. It's 7AM. Too early to ruin your day,' I told myself.
"What is your plan?" she asked.
"To sleep, if possible," I replied but she did not move. She just continued to stare at me. "I plan to work, okay? I just can't decide yet."
Placing in the BAR has its perks. I received a few invitations from some firms. I haven't attended any interviews yet. I just wasn't in the right headspace to think about that. I just didn't want to work while fully knowing that I wasn't in my best shape. I'd be handling cases that involves people's lives and property. I needed to take that seriously.
"Where do you want to work?" she asked.
I was silent for a second and then remembered how she would always tell me to just enjoy myself every time I would volunteer to work at the company.
"Can I help the business?" I asked, just really wanting to get her off my back and hopefully, so that she'd let me sleep.
But there was this expression on her face.
Like she panicked.
My forehead creased. Was I just imagining things? Was I still drunk from last night? But why would she panic? Wasn't that the plan? For me to help with the business?
"Can I?" I asked again to confirm that I was just hallucinating because for fuck's sake, I didn't think I could handle any more controversy. At this point, I felt like I was already all tapped out.
"If you want to," she said, but I was sensing some hesitancy on her part.
"I want to," I replied.
"Okay, then," she said. "Come to work next week."
"I can come to work tomorrow."
I saw her drawing a deep breath. "Okay," she replied and then forced a smile. "I will see you tomorrow."
What a fucking weird conversation.
* * *
The next morning, I went to the main building but I was quickly told to go to another location because apparently, that's where I would be working. I thought I would be trained to work in the main office, but I was told that I would work in the legal department which made sense, so I didn't question that anymore.
"I guess we're all finally working," I said and then we cheered.
Vito and Sancho were working in some law firm. Vito was very stubborn when he told his dad that he would not be helping in the family business and even pointed out that he has sisters who are perfectly capable of helping. To be honest, his dad's a huge misogynist. Why was he forcing Vito to take over the company when he has daughters who are very interested in the business?
I, on the other hand, was working for my family. I was a walking cliche.
"How's work?" Sancho asked.
"I don't know," I said because I was just oriented by the HR. "How's work?" I asked him.
He shrugged. "Nothing special."
Vito scoffed. "Ask him about Jax."
"Jax? From SCA?"
Vito nodded. "They're being compared."
"What? That's crazy," I said. "He's obviously smarter," I added that made Sancho give me the middle finger and Vito laughing.
I had fun with my friends. Vito had to leave because he needed to go to Shanelle to help her review or whatever. I wasn't really listening. I went back to my unit. And like I weirdo, I stood on the middle.
"It's time," I said as I went out again to buy some boxes and then returned to my unit and put Jerusha's things inside the box. I just... I wouldn't be able to live my life when there were constant reminders of her around me every freaking day.
I needed to let go to be able to breathe even for just a little.
I put everything in the box—her notebooks, some of her reviewers, her ponytails, her freaking underwear, her lotion, her perfume. I put everything that reminded me of her and then drove to one of our houses and just left it there. I just really needed to get her memories out of my life.
* * *
I tried to straighten up myself. I focused on working. I was bored... and frustrated. And as much as I wanted to find someone to sleep with, I couldn't bring myself to. I hated the fact that even years after breaking up with her, looking at someone else still felt like cheating.
When would this curse end?!
"Vito," I called.
"What?" he replied while he was busy reading something.
"When you first got together with Shanelle, how long did it take for you to sleep with her?" I asked but my question was met with his glare. I thought he would still answer, but he just picked up some random paper, crumpled it, and threw it at my face. Wow. Nice talking.
"Vito—"
"I won't answer that, so stop asking," he said.
I groaned. "Oh, come on! Help a friend out!"
"In what way will me answering that question help you?"
"I need to know if there's a freaking timeline!" I said, a little annoyed because it's been more than a year of just me and my lonely hand!
"Timeline?"
"When I could have sex again!" I said... probably a little too loud because some of the people in the coffee shop looked at us. Vito looked mortified. "What—" I asked when he began to close his laptop and gather his things... and then stood up and left!
Man, this friendship... I thought that when we saw each other's dicks, there's nothing more to be ashamed of! Turned out, I was wrong.
I gathered my things, too, but even before I could follow Vito, some woman approached me.
"Hey," she said, smiling.
"Hi," I replied.
"Wanna buy me dinner?" she asked.
I looked at her. She's hot. I should say—I need to say yes. I needed to break this curse by sleeping with someone else.
"No, sorry," I said and quickly left the coffee shop.
Great! Might as well to cut this dick off because apparently, there's no use for it anymore!
* * *
"Atty. Ferreira."
"Yeah?" I replied while my eyes were still scanning the paper in front of me. I was reviewing the proposal for the acquisition that we'll be doing next month. There's a lot of money involved, so I needed to be very thorough about this.
"You have a meeting at Wyatt Hotel with Mr. Cinco," she said.
"Noted," I replied. "Notify me 15 minutes before we leave."
I continued working. At first, I was bored... but eventually, I became thankful because it was a much needed distraction. Although I kind of hated this because it was feeling like a re-do of my BAR months again—when I forced myself to focus on reviewing so that I would not think about—
Yeah... let's not go there and ruin my day.
I took a quick nap while we were en route to the venue of the meeting. I took a quick detour to buy a coffee because the coffee they usually serve in meetings do suck. And I was enjoying my perfectly boring day with my perfect coffee when—
"Sir?"
I froze on my spot. I blinked once... I tried to convince myself that I was probably just hallucinating and she really wasn't here... but I heard her voice. She was here.
Shit.
"Sorry—" she said when she bumped into me. She wasn't looking while she was walking. She didn't notice that I was standing right here. I should've left and gotten out of her way. Yes. That's what I should've done... yet here I was.
"I'm sorry, Sir," my assistant said. "Miss, kindly watch where you're going," she told Jersey but she was still just looking at me like she saw a ghost. Why? Was it because she didn't want to see me? Did she think that I wanted to see her? Because if money could let me erase my thoughts of her, I fucking would! It's annoying how she thinks she could just barge in my nightmares!
"It's okay," I said because as much as I didn't want her here in front of me, I didn't want anyone else to talk to her the way my assistant was talking to her.
I didn't want to see Jersey.
And I hated because I knew the reason why I didn't want to see her.
Because I still cared.
Even though I didn't want to.
This fucking sucked.
"Do you have a business here?" I asked while I was looking at her.
"Kasama ko si—" she said but she quickly stopped when some guy called her. She looked at him. I watched as they talked. "Nice seeing you again," she said as she walked away.
"Sir—"
"Get me that guy's name," I told my assistant as I forced myself to go to my meeting. "And please throw this," I added as I handed her my coffee. It's already ruined, anyway.
* * *
"Are you seriously fucking kidding me!" I said when I arrived at the venue of Vito's birthday and saw that Jersey's there, too!
"Why?" Vito asked, feigning the innocence he lost when he was 14.
"Why?" I repeated. "Why is she here!"
"She's my friend," he said.
"Since when?!" I asked because he only knew her because of me! And we're done! So why was she here!
"She's Shanelle's friend," he said.
"Well, this is not Shanelle's birthday!"
"Well, yes, but she's my girlfriend and I told her she can invite anyone."
I paused and took a deep breath. I wanted to punch Vito's stupid fucking face and I needed Sancho to stop me. Where was Sancho?!
"I'm seriously gonna punch you," I said.
"You sound like a child. Just go inside, Nikolai."
"Yeah? You're the one who invited my ex."
"She's still my friend, and it's still my party so I'm free to invite whoever I like."
Oh, wow.
"Really," I said, really pissed. "Then don't be surprised if in my next birthday party, Assia's there," I told him and his face quickly contorted in anger. At least know he knew how I felt!
I was still looking for Sancho to stop me from punching Vito's face when suddenly I heard someone shouting Happy Birthday. I looked at where the voice came from and I saw Jersey. She looked drunk.
"Hindi ako lasing!" she said. She tried to slap her face and then took a step backward and fell. I cursed in my head as my feet involuntarily went towards her to help her.
"Thank you," she said, laughing.
"And now she's drunk," I said, looking at Vito so that he'd see what he caused to happen.
"And how is that my fault?"
"Puntahan mo si Shanelle!" Jersey shouted again like we had hearing problems.
"Will you quit shouting," I said but she quickly slapped me. My eyes widened. She giggled and then tapped my face. What the fuck!
"Wag mo ako utusan," she told me and Vito laughed. And then Jersey looked at him. "Puntahan mo ang jowa mo!" she shouted at him. I asked Vito to help me but he quickly disappeared. That fucking moron! "Patulong tumayo," she told me as she tried to stand up on her own. How much did she drink to get this drunk? When we used to—
God, when would I stop reminiscing?! Can I just have an amnesia?!
"Langya naman," she said as she tried to open her phone but the passcode she input was always wrong. "Tama naman!" she shouted at the phone. And then she frowned. She's lost her mind. "Hindi ko mabuksan," she said and then she looked at me. "Ay... sorry," she said, smiling at me. "Bakit ko ba sinasabi sa 'yo 'to?"
She walked away. I was just watching her. And then she stopped and faced me. Her face was contorted with anger.
"Talagang hahayaan mo lang akong maglakad mag-isa?!" she shouted at me. "Gago ka!" she said as she quickly removed her shoe and threw it at me. But she was drunk. It didn't even reach half the distance between us.
Why was she acting like this?
Why was she making this harder?
"Are you done?" I asked after she finished throwing her other shoe. She was looking at me like I just killed a fucking puppy.
"Tangina ka! Nagbreak lang tapos, tapos hahayaan mo na akong ma-rape sa daan?!" She was just looking at me, and then she threw her bag. She had nothing more she could throw at me at this point. "E kung ma-holdap ako?!"
"Why are you acting like a child?" I asked because she was being difficult.
Her lips parted. "So, mature ka na ngayon?!"
"Why are you acting like this, Jersey?" I asked, trying to remain calm because if not, I would just shout because I was so mad at the situation we're both in.
We were perfectly happy.
And now we're perfectly ruined.
There's no in between for us and it fucking sucked.
"Bakit ka rin ganyan?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Gago ka talaga," she said, full of spite.
I looked at her. "I may be a lot of things, Jersey, but I assure you I was never like that to you—you of all people."
She shook her head like she didn't believe me. But I was being honest—I knew I was an ass to the people around me. I didn't care so much... I didn't know them. I didn't care about them. But Jersey? I fucking loved her. I fucking chose her over my own mother. I kept on telling her that I didn't care if she slept with my dad—not even if she slept with my entire fucking clan.
Yet we still broke up.
What a fucking joke.
"And you broke up with me, remember?"
She shook her head. "Ikaw iyong nakipagbreak."
"You asked for it."
"Binigay mo naman."
"What was I supposed to do?" I asked her but my question was met with silence. She was just looking at me like she wanted to cry. I didn't want to see her cry. Her crying... that would just make things harder for me. "Where are you staying? I'll tell my driver to drive you home," I told her.
"Hindi ko man lang deserve na ihatid mo pauwi?"
I looked at her. She looked like she was a few seconds from crying. "Jersey, you're not my girlfriend. Stop expecting to be treated like one," I told her before I told the driver to bring her wherever she needed to go.
And then I went back inside, looked for Vito, and gave him a good punch on the face because what the hell was he thinking!
* * *
I wanted nothing more than to just... have a peaceful day. But of course even that was too much to fucking ask! I found myself asking around about the reason why Jersey was here the other day and found out that she's representing the union in the negotiation. It wasn't my work—if I asked to be involved there, it would raise a lot of eyebrows.
I shouldn't.
I really fucking shouldn't.
'God, what a fucking clown,' I told myself when I was walking around the lobby, waiting for Jersey to arrive because I heard that the negotiation's today so she'd be here.
Nikolai, you fucking sucked!
"Are you okay?" I asked when Jersey was finally in front of me. I saw he as soon as she walked in but she looked like she was in deep debate as to whether she'd stay or leave. But she had a meeting. And the way to the meeting area was through the hall behind me. She had no choice but to face me.
God, I was hopeless!
"Okay naman," she said.
"Good."
"Congrats pala," she said. "Babatiin sana kita nung nagtop ka sa BAR kaya lang naka-block pala ako sa cellphone mo."
She tried to smile her way, but I saw that she felt hurt. I had to block her... because if not, I would keep on calling her... and maybe in one of those calls, beg her to take me back. But even the worst version of me knew that it would just destroy us more. We were so fucked up. We would have ended up hurting each other with words—words that you cannot erase once said.
"Read your email, though," I said because I did... I just didn't have the heart to reply. Because what would I say? Thank you for being the reason why I topped the BAR? Because you tortured me emotionally to the point that I had to focus on reviewing or else I would go crazy with thinking what the hell did I do wrong? Did she want to read that kind of email?
"Di ka man lang nagthank you."
"I really didn't want to talk to you at that time."
The laughter stopped. She looked at me. "E ngayon? Okay na sa 'yo makipag-usap sa 'kin?"
"Sure."
"No hard feelings na?"
I looked at her and I couldn't help but laugh. "Really?" I asked. Because really? She's asking me that? No hard feelings? Like she didn't break my heart.
She nodded. "I mean... maliit lang naman ang mundo. Tignan mo nga kahit iniiwasan kita e nagkita pa rin tayo. So, feeling ko, mas maganda kung magiging civil tayo."
I looked at her. Was she being serious? She wanted to be... civil? What's next? She'd want us to be friends? Because that's ridiculous—I could never be just friends with her. Maybe I was immature, but I would never be that person who's friends with his ex.
It's either I love you or I love you but the mere sight of you hurts—I can't find a fucking balance.
"This is surprising considering the tantrums you threw the other night."
She laughed mechanically. "Lasing kasi ako nun," she lied. "Alam mo na, out of practice. 'Di na ako nakaka-inom dahil busy ako lagi sa trabaho pati sa school. So... 'wag mo seryosohin iyong mga nasabi ko," she said. "Kung anuman 'yun." She looked at me. "Mukhang okay ka naman na."
"And you're not?"
"Ayos naman ako," she said, smiling like she was trying to convince me. "Busy sa work. Hopefully, BAR ko na sa November."
Her phone vibrated. She looked at it and then looked at me. She's taking the BAR soon... It felt like only yesterday, she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. She's reached so far in life. I was proud of her. Could I, at least, tell her that? Or would that be weird? I should just email her that.
I was staring at my laptop.
I should email her.
'Proud of you.'
Would that be weird? I mean, if someone emailed me that, I would find it weird... but there's history between us. Would that make it weirder?
I kept on typing and then erasing but then I received a text.
'Plant.'
It was from an unknown number... yet I knew who it was from. My heart began to race inside my chest. Yeah, fucking right! At this point, I felt like I didn't own myself anymore. I couldn't control what I fucking felt! Even if I keep on telling myself that what I was doing was not okay, I still find myself doing that exact same thing, never mind the repercussions.
And people say that I am smart because I topped the BAR. They didn't know what an idiot I really am.
What the fuck do I reply to this?
'Hell fucking yes.'
No—I sound too excited.
'No.'
A fucking lie.
God, I needed a drink!
I left my phone beside my laptop and walked to get myself a drink. But I didn't even get that far before I turned back and grabbed my phone. I made myself a drink and stared at that single word that was making me insane!
I finished my drink, took a deep breath, and typed 'Seriously?'
God, why was I so nervous?! I looked like a fucking clown as I was listening to the sounds outside my unit... whilst fully knowing that the hall was carpeted. I had seriously lost my marbles!
And then there was a knock.
I hated how my whole body was shaking in anticipation.
"Hindi ko alam kung paano iinterpret iyong text mo kasi walang tono and walang context kasi 'di ba sabi sa Statcon ang rule ay—" she said but all I could think about was how missed having sex and how apparently, she's the only person my dick would allow me to fuck.
"Jersey, it's 3am and I'm horny and if you wanna fuck, I'm down to fuck, but that's just it."
Her lips parted. She was surprised with what she heard from me. What did she expect? That I'd ask her to make love? "Hindi na ako naka-block?"
I didn't respond. She smiled at me. "Okay," she said.
"Okay what?"
"Let's fuck," she said, repeating my words.
I looked at her. "I told you before that I don't do relationships and I broke that rule before because—" I stopped. I didn't want to rehash the past. She was there—she knew what happened between us. "But I'm serious this time—"
She nodded. "Gets ko," she said, cutting me off. "Walang feelings involved... gets ko, okay?"
"Of course, there are feelings involved, Jersey. You broke my heart, remember?" I reminded her. "It's just sex this time." She nodded. "Get out after you get off."
She was looking at the floor. She was biting her lip. "Babayaran mo rin ba ako?" she asked. Her voice was barely audible, but I heard that because there was nothing but the deafening silence around us.
"No, because you're not a prostitute," I told her. "Unless you wanna be paid—" I said, but I wasn't able to finish what I was saying when she dropped her things on the ground, went inside my unit, and grabbed my face and kissed me.
I was stunned. For a second. But then it was as if my body had a mind of its own and I just... kissed her back. Like before. Like how I used to.
I fucking hated how attuned my body was to hers.
It felt like no time had passed between us.
She still felt the same.
I pushed her against the wall while I was kissing her. She was trying to kiss me the way I was kissing her, but she couldn't follow. She had no idea how... how I fucking dreamed about this. How I thought about this in the shower. At night. During breakfast. During lunch. I felt like I was a teenager because of her!
My hands didn't know where to touch first. I removed her shirt but I didn't have the patience for her bra. I just pushed it out of my way. God, she's so soft! I wanted to touch her everywhere. I turned her around and my hand quickly found its way inside her shorts.
"Nik—" she said while my hand was inside already. I pushed a finger when I heard her saying that.
"I'm not selfish, Jersey. At least not here," I said as I began to touch her. I felt her trembling as I touched her clit. She was breathing so hard. I bit her shoulder. I told myself not to bite so hard... but god, I missed touching her like this!
"I'm not gonna fuck you until you're dripping wet," I whispered in her ear as I added another finger. Her hands were looking for somewhere to hold. She grabbed my hair and tried to steady herself.
"Nik—" she said and then turned her head towards me and tried to reach for my lips.
"Can you stop calling my name?" I asked.
She was looking at me. I didn't understand why she was looking at me like that...
"Jersey, I—" I said upon realization as to why I didn't want her calling my name. "I thought I could do it, but it seems like I really can't," I said as I took a step away from her.
I knew she was calling my name... but it sounded like she was calling my dad, too. I thought I could get past it. I thought I could just ignore it.
I thought about a lot of things.
I was wrong.
Years later, I still couldn't be the bigger person.
She laughed as she picked up her clothes. "Kahit siguro mamatay ako sa harap mo, hindi ka maniniwala na walang nangyari sa amin ng tatay mo, noh?" she said while she was getting dressed. She looked at me. "Alam mo, thank you. Thank you sa paggising mo sa akin na impossible na talaga tayong dalawa. At least ngayon 'di na ako aasa sa wala," she said before she walked out of my room.
* * *
I felt sick.
Jersey knew my dad first.
She didn't know that she'd meet me.
Why... was it so hard for me to understand that? Why did I keep on blaming her for something that she had no control over?
I wanted to apologize to her. I kept on trying to send an email to her, but I didn't know where I'd begin. I didn't even know where I'd start. I was afraid that I'd use the wrong words again and I'd mess everything even more.
I went out of the building to get some air. I saw my dad. He stopped when he saw me. He was looking at me. Was he sorry? Was he sorry for messing my life even more? Because I never heard anything from him—not even a single fucking apology! Not that it would magically make everything better, but it's definitely better than fucking nothing!
"Nikolai," he said.
"What?" I replied.
I looked at him. I didn't even know what I was waiting for. An apology? But I only got silence. Once again. I walked past him. It felt like the world was getting smaller. Maybe I should just get another job. I didn't want to work here anymore because seeing my parents was just a reminder of everything I lost and everything that could've been.
I just kept on walking around... and I didn't know why I ended up back in the hotel when I perfectly knew that I should be somewhere else. I just stood there... waiting though I knew I shouldn't.
And then there she was.
She immediately saw me, but it felt different this time. She wasn't fazed. She wasn't nervous. She was just... there. Like she didn't care at all.
And I hated how the thought of her not caring about me at all was freaking me out. Because after everything that we've been through, I never not cared about her. It was always the extremes when it came to her—either I loved her too much or I couldn't stand the sight of her.
I never not cared.
This was fucking scaring me.
"You're here," I stated as my feet brought me closer to her. She was just looking at me. There was no smile on her face like when we met again.
"Ako ba?" she asked like there was somebody else I was talking to. "Ah... may pinuntahan lang ako," she said and then began texting on her phone. Like I wasn't standing right in front of her. And I knew that it was my fault for how I acted the other night.. And I knew I should've apologized right there and then... yet here we were.
"About the other night—"
She immediately looked at me. "Wag na nating pag-usapan," she said, cutting me off. "Kung dati medyo naguguluhan pa ako... ngayon sure na sure na ako na break na talaga tayo."
"I'm sorry..." I said.
"Saan? Sa pag-imply ba na pokpok ako?" she asked. My lips parted. I fucking deserved that. She looked at me and smiled. "Alam mo, sobrang nanghihinayang ako noon sa relasyon natin kasi alam mo 'yun? Parang ang swak natin sa isa't-isa... pero baka sobrang na-miss ko lang kaya parang nilagay ko sa pedestal iyong meron tayo noon. Masyadong na-romanticize ba? Pero marami din palang mali sa atin noon. Iyong mga mali noon na mali pa rin ngayon. Kaya tama lang na naghiwalay tayo... O siguro 'wag na rin muna tayong mag-usap kasi alam mo 'yun? Nasisira iyong mga magandang memories na meron tayo. Sayang naman."
She looked at me and drew a deep breath. I... didn't know what to do. We broke up before. But why did this feel like we're breaking up again? Why... was this making me feel all that fucking emotion that I resented?
"Sobrang proud ako sa 'yo... pero nabasa mo naman na iyong email ko kaya alam mo na 'yan," she looked at me and smiled. "Ga-graduate na ako... Tapos magte-take ng BAR... Sigurado ako na one take lang ako doon kaya kung gusto mong magcongratulate sa akin, now is the time," she added. I couldn't say anything. It felt like if I did as she ask, that this would be the last time I'd ever see her. Was I ready for that? Was that what I really wanted? "Thank you sa congrats," she said when she heard nothing from me. The door opened and Atty. Marroquin looked at her. She looked at me again. "Good luck sa lahat. I really wish you the best," she said before she walked away.
And that scared me because it felt like goodbye.
Again.
* * *
"I'll join the meeting," I said.
"Why?"
"Do I need to have a reason?" I asked, looking straight into his eyes so that he'd know that this wasn't really up for discussion.
I wanted to call Jersey.
I wanted to text her.
I couldn't.
So, I needed to hijack this meeting to see her. And I knew that this was out of the blue because this wasn't my job. My job description doesn't include negotiating with labor unions. But it's still my family's business. I'd do as I fucking please.
When we arrived at the hall, I immediately saw her. She didn't even look surprised when she saw me. Did she just... give up? I knew I hurt her with what I did... And I knew I was wrong. Why wouldn't I just say sorry?
"Let's begin," the senior counsel said.
Atty. Marroquin began. At first, I was... wary of him. But then after I had him investigated, I realized that I had nothing to worry about. Besides, he's doing good work. I wished him the best, really.
"As provided in the proposal, we're asking for an increase in the monthly wage of the rank-and-file employees from the prevailing 537 pesos to—"
"Okay," I said, cutting him off. I knew I was here primarily to see Jersey, but I also knew that I couldn't go to this meeting knowing nothing. I read the files and studied the history. This wage increase was called for. I just immediately agreed because I knew that the legal team of the company would try everything to decrease the increase asked. I knew it's business, yet it really didn't make any sense to me. I wasn't a finance major, but when I checked the overview, it seemed like the whole company's doing fine—really great, even. What's giving the employees a wage increase? It's not like the company would fucking collapse.
"Okay..." Atty. Marroquin said. "Can we put that in writing, then?" he asked as he should, but even before I could reply, the legal team asked for a break. I excused myself and followed them, fully knowing what would happen.
The senior lawyer began talking loudly. I ignored him. I knew he's just doing his job. I knew that the 'job', at least for him, was to save money for the company. I wouldn't get pissed at him for doing his job.
"Nikolai—" he said when he realized that I really wasn't paying attention and I was just letting him have his way.
"I'm here as Atty. Ferreira today," I said, reminding him that I was not some child who barged in here. I actually studied the files. I said yes because I knew that morally, it's the right thing to do. Besides, it's not even his money! Why was he so pissed? I'd understand it more if my family would be the one shouting at me.
"Then act like it! You must be out of your goddamned mind!"
"They've been asking for an increase—" I said.
"And we negotiate!"
"The meeting is still ongoing," I said just to get this over with.
"You already said yes!" he said, the veins on his forehead looked like they'd pop at any time. I wanted to tell him to calm the fuck down because seriously? You'd kill yourself working for this company? This company would continue long after you die. Why did he care so much?
But I was not able to tell him to calm down because my eyes saw Jersey. She was looking at us. What was she thinking? Was she still indifferent? Did she really stop caring? What was she thinking?
"Let me handle the negotiation, Nikolai."
"I'm the head of the legal department," I replied, still looking at her.
"You're acting like a lovesick puppy and not a lawyer," he said and then looked at Jersey who was obviously surprised at the hostility.
"We're open for negotiation naman po," she politely said. "As long as the terms are just and fair for the employees, we're very amenable."
"Great," he said and just went back in the meeting room. I looked at Jersey. Her face was serious. I felt... unnerved. She was looking at me. And this wasn't indifference I was seeing on her face.
"Unang legit na experience ko 'to sa labor, Nikolai," she said. "Magnegotiate tayo nang maayos."
"Okay," I replied because I knew why she would think this. It was all very understandable.
"Treat this as you would any other business transaction."
"Okay," she said and then went back inside when her boss called her. I remained outside. I drew a deep breath. I just... missed her so much.
* * *
"Nikolai," mom said.
"What?" I asked.
"Did you join the negotiation?" she asked.
"Great," I mumbled under my breath. News indeed travel fast. "Yes," I replied, wanting to take responsibility. This wage increase was on me. It's a good thing. I'd take credit for this since they're all acting like I just clubbed a baby seal.
"Since when did you join negotiations with unions, Nikolai?"
"I'm a lawyer," I replied.
"You're not a labor lawyer," she said.
I didn't reply. I knew that the only reason why she was here was because of Jersey. Of course, mom heard about that. She already told me before that if I love her, I should break up with her. I told her that I love her, but I would not break up with Jersey. Did that make me a bad son? Why was she punishing me for something my dad did?
Yet after everything, we still broke up.
"Nikolai—"
"What?" I asked again. "If you don't have anything important to say, as you can see, I'm quite busy," I added as I pointed at the pile of paper in front of me.
But she did not move. She just stared at me like she was trying to guilt me for choosing Jersey again and again. Why was she surprised? Wasn't this the same thing she was doing for dad? We're just the same. I'm really her son—both idiots in love.
"There are a lot of women for you, Nikolai."
"And there are a lot of men for you, mom."
Her jaw clenched. "Are you really choosing her over me, Nikolai?"
"No," I said. "And I'm not choosing you either. Can I just please live my life as I please?"
She stared at me. Nikolai, please—"
"God, mom! What do you want from me? I'm not even with her anymore!" I said, pissed because I didn't really want to discuss this with her!
"She was with your dad, Nikolai!"
"Do you think I do not know that?!"
"I am your mother!"
"And I am your son!" I shouted back. "If there's someone between us who should sacrifice, it's you who should kick dad out! He's been cheating on you for years! Why do I have to suffer for the choices he made?!"
But she said nothing.
Because after everything, she still wouldn't give up on him! So why was she expecting something else from me?!
"Just... just please leave," I said. "Please," I pleaded because I didn't want to have a shouting competition with her. She's my mother. I love her... but this was still so hard.
I couldn't sleep at night. I tried to drink to get myself to sleep, but I couldn't. I just ended up sitting in front of my laptop. I kept on typing... and then I wanted to delete the words as I typed them... but I told myself not to. I told myself to just say what I wanted to tell her.
I wasn't able to apologize properly and I wasn't able to talk because the therapist said that I should think about what I'll say first before I say it out loud.
I can explain in email, but I really prefer we talk face to face, Jersey. I tried calling you, but I deserve to be blocked. I was such a dick. I should've thought about what I said before I said it. But my mouth ran faster than my mind. Sorry. Sincerely.
Seriously hope this email doesn't bounce back.
Hope to hear from you.
Click send.
And then try to get some sleep.
* * *
"Jersey," Vito said out of the blue. I looked around to see if she was around.
"What?" I asked him because why would he randomly say her name?
"You're smiling," he said.
"What?"
He pointed at my phone. "You're smiling," he replied. "You only smile when it's about her."
I rolled my eyes. "OA," I said.
"So... you two back together?" he asked, suddenly interested.
When I first emailed Jersey, I didn't receive any reply for weeks. I thought that that was it... That we're really finally over... I couldn't wrap my head around the thought that for her, it's really the end of us. Because I really thought that at one point in our life, we'd still end up together. But if she had already decided that she's done with me, what more could I do but to respect her wishes?
But then she replied.
And she didn't sound mad.
She sounded... friendly.
I gathered whatever courage I had left and emailed back. And then she replied. It took time whenever she'd reply. The anticipation was killing me. Every time my phone would vibrate, my heart would skip a beat thinking that it's her. Most of the time it wasn't her... but on the rare times that it was her, it was worth all the anxiety.
"So?" Vito said.
"Just read whatever you're reading," I replied, not really wanting to discuss this with him. I didn't even know yet what was happening. And if I talk to Vito about this, I felt like I'd just make myself hope that things were getting better for Jersey and me. I just wanted to take this one day at a time. I just wanted to enjoy the good feeling. I felt like it's been too fucking long.
"Where are you going?" Vito asked.
"Office."
"It's Saturday," he said.
"Oh," I replied. I sat back down. Jersey asked about some financial files. I just knew that she'd pick it up herself but I thought I'd volunteer myself and to just deliver it to her... seeing that she's busy and graduating and all that shit.
Fuck.
Would she allow me to go to her graduation? Would it be weird if I would ask her if she'd allow me to watch her graduate? I promised I wouldn't make any scene. I just wanted to be there for her and to tell her how proud I am of how far she'd come.
Vito kept on asking but I really didn't want to discuss. I felt like as long as no one knew about it, no one could destroy it. People can't destroy something they know nothing about. I just wanted to stay in this bubble for as long as I could. Being sad and miserable was tiresome.
'Lunch time. Are you eating?' I emailed her.
'Yup. Ikaw?'
'Busy with work.'
'E bakit ka nageemail?'
'You're my rest.'
But I regretted that as soon as I hit send. Shit! Too fucking much! What the fuck was I thinking?! We're not back together—she's just being generous enough to reply to my messages.
'Can I know where you work? Won't go there uninvited—just wanna send food over,' I emailed again, hoping that she'd just ignore what I sent earlier. Was it possible that she didn't read that? Or at least forget about it? Tsk. What was I thinking? She literally has eidetic memory! She'd forever remember about that blunder of mine!
'Okay lang may malapit na fastfood naman dito.'
'Jollibee?'
'KFC.'
'But Jollibee's still the best, right?'
'Wala naman masama magexplore. 'Di naman ako exclusive endorser ng Jollibee.'
'We're still talking about fastfood, right?'
She didn't reply. I couldn't concentrate on work. Why was I overthinking this? I didn't want to overthink this... so when she asked about the files again, I told her that I would just bring it over.
"Good morning," I said as soon as I saw her.
"Good morning," she replied. She looked exhausted. Was she getting enough sleep? I wished she wouldn't be too hard on herself. I remembered when I was in my fourth year. It was so draining. I wished she'd remember to rest because I didn't know if it was my place to remind her that it's not bad to rest like she used to do for me.
I really didn't think we'd break up.
I thought we'd be together and then I'd be her constant support system all throughout law school. I thought I'd be there for her BAR. I thought about a lot of things.
"Have you eaten yet?"
"Hindi pa," she replied.
"Do you wanna go to Jollibee?" I asked because it's already past mealtime and she hadn't eaten yet. She looked so tired. She needed to eat.
"Sa kabila pa 'yun."
"I brought my car."
"Duh. Alangan namang nagcommute ka," she said rather sarcastically. My lips parted. I was just worried about her. I shouldn't be too pushy. I should remind myself of where I was standing. "I mean, okay naman dito sa KFC," she said. She probably felt guilty and was trying to be nicer. "Try mo 'yung chicken nila."
"Okay..." I said although I really didn't mind driving us to Jollibee. I missed eating there. I missed eating chicken joy and spaghetti with her. I missed her reminding me to order my peach mango pie because for some reason, I always forget to add that to my order.
I tried to eat but I just wanted to watch her eat. I didn't know if she didn't notice me staring or if she was just blatantly ignoring me.
"Yung sa files," she said after she finished eating. I handed over the files. "Salamat."
"You're leaving?" I asked when she stood up.
She nodded. "Magrereview pa ako," she replied. "Sige... Alis na ako."
She was about to leave. I didn't want her to leave yet. I wanted her to stay even for just another few minutes. I just missed doing this with her...
"Jersey," I called. She looked at me. I drew a deep breath. Fuck. "You're not in any way obliged to come back to me... but know that I'm right here waiting."
I was counting the seconds. And begging inside my head for her not to leave.
"Okay," she said.
"Okay?" I asked, trying to confirm that I hadn't lost my mind yet.
"I'll keep that in mind."
"Thank you... That's all I ask."
She nodded at me. "Sige na. Magrereview pa talaga ako. Malapit ang finals ko."
I stood up, too, because I wanted to walk with her. "Do you need any materials? I still have all my reviewer from law school."
"Pwedeng pahiram? As a friend?"
She laughed. Sounded like music in my ears. "Yeah... sure."
"Kailan ko pwede kunin?" she asked.
"It's in my condo. If you want, we can drive there and then I can drive you back to your apartment. It's kinda heavy for you to carry alone."
She rolled her eyes at me playfully. "Gusto mo lang malaman kung saan ako naka-tira, e."
I laughed because she's so wrong... We broke up. We fought. But I still knew where she lived... I just didn't go to her, but I always knew where she was. "I mean, that, too," I just said. "But in all honesty, it's heavy."
She nodded, giving in. "Bakit tinago mo pa?"
I shrugged. "I used to date a first-year law student... I thought she could use those, so I kept them all in a box."
She looked taken aback for a second. She didn't say anything. Fuck. I took things too far yet again.
"Sorry," I said. "Didn't mean anything with that."
"Okay lang," she replied. "Akala ko rin naman talaga e ako magmamana ng mga notes mo."
We finally arrived at the building. I looked at Jersey. She didn't unbuckle her seatbelt. Before, the first thing she'd do when we go here was to unbuckle her seatbelt. I looked at her and she looked bothered.
"Maghihintay na lang ako dito."
"Are you sure?"
She nodded and remained looking bothered. She kept on looking at the rearview mirror and the sidemirrors like she was on the lookout.
"My dad's in a vacation and my mom's attending to business somewhere," I said when I realized the reason why she didn't want to go out.
"Kahit na."
"Jersey..." I said. She finally looked at me. "Even when we broke up, I always had your back. I never listened to all their unsolicited opinion because our relationship then—and whatever it is now—is just between us. They weren't there when everything was great, so how can their opinion matter when everything was messy... right?"
She was just staring at me like she was trying to figure out what to do next. I wished running away wasn't one of her options. For years, I was just existing. It was tiring. I missed living. It didn't take long for me to realize that I felt the most alive when I was with her.
And then finally... finally, she smiled at me... like she used to smile at me before.
"Tulungan na kitang kunin iyong box," she said before she unbuckled her seatbelt.
* * *
Things with Jersey got better. We weren't like how we used to be before, but there's nothing I could do about that anymore. We felt different... but oddly, still the same. We grew older. We got wiser... maybe. I was just happy that we finally agreed on the same thing—that we love each other and that we're willing to work on us. That's all I wanted.
Jersey would sometimes ask me about therapy, but I never told her about me going to some sessions. I didn't want her to worry about that. It was my problem to work on. I needed to really get over the fact that she was with my dad first... or not.
I just needed to get over it.
She's with me again—that's what's important.
"Kinakabahan ako," she said during one of the weekends of her BAR review. She just graduated from law school. I was so proud of her. I was convinced that I was happier when we got the confirmation that she's part of the graduating class. And now, she's reviewing for the BAR.
"Why? You got this," I told her. She's smart—I really had no doubt that she'd pass the exam easily.
"Alam ko pero—"
I kissed her cheek. She smiled at me. She kissed my cheek back. I was happy exactly like this. Could we just stay like this?
"Nikolai," she asked. She sounded so formal.
"Jerusha," I said, mimicking her tone.
"Iyong sa sasakyan mo, 'di ba bulletproof 'yun?" she asked out of the blue.
"Yeah... why?"
"Ikaw nagpa-ganon?"
"My mom," I replied. "Because when I was younger, I had been almost kidnapped a lot of times," I said, remembering all the times those happened. Man, I had a weird childhood! I remembered praying when I was little for my parents to have another kid so that the kidnappers would have another target. It's so hard to go out when you're always worried someone would just grab you out of the blue! My social life, as a child, suffered back then. Of course no one wanted to hang out with me! If I get kidnapped, whoever was with me would be kidnapped, too. I mean, it's so unfair if I get taken and they're what? Left there standing like an idiot? We should be taken together.
"Sila Vito ba naka-ganoon din?"
"What is this about, Jersey?" I asked because this question was so random... and the expression on her face wasn't helping, either.
She looked at me. She drew a deep breath. And then she stared at me some more. Okay... what the fuck was happening again? I thought I just caught a break from life! I thought I finally broke a deal with the universe to let me be happy even for just a little while.
"May balita kasi..." she said. "Kung anuman ang sasabihin mo sa 'kin, maniniwala ako sa 'yo. Na hindi mo talaga alam. O kung alam mo man... may dahilan ka kung bakit... tahimik ka lang."
My forehead creased. "What the fuck is this about?" I asked, confused... and a little scared because of the way she was acting.
And then she told me about the things she heard—about my family's business... and the 'other' business. I felt like my head was spinning as she told me about how my family was involved in the black market for organs. I wanted to ask her if this was her idea of prank because it was not funny. But she was serious. And she looked worried. She looked like she's worried. I hoped she's worried... and not scared of me.
"Nikolai—"
"I have to go," I said.
"Nikolai," she called. "Alam mo ba?"
My lips parted at the question. "No," I said, unable to believe that I was hearing this from her. "But the fact that you have to ask me that? God, Jersey," I added, disappointed because why would she even consider this? Didn't she know me at all?
* * *
"Niko—" mom said.
"Please don't lie to me."
Her forehead creased. "What is this about, Nikolai?" she asked as she closed her laptop and looked at me. "And you finally remembered that you have a mother—"
"Our money," I said. "It's... it's because of the business, right?"
"Of course," she replied.
I drew a deep breath. I didn't even know where to start. How would I fucking ask this?! How would I ask her if she was involved in black market? I didn't even know that that really existed! I thought it was just some stories people tell children to scare them!
"Are you alright—"
"Are you involved in illegally harvesting organs?" I asked. I didn't even know what I was saying. I didn't know how to get around this question. But Jersey... she sounded so certain about what she told me.
Mom's forehead creased. "What? Where are these questions coming from, Nikolai?"
"Just say yes or no."
"No."
I looked at her. "I heard—"
"You heard from where? That Jerusha? I told you, Nikolai, she's bad news! She slept with your father, for God's sake! Why are we discussing her again!"
She wasn't even mad when the pictures were shown on my graduation party... She wasn't this mad when I told her to leave me alone... I've never seen her this mad...
Was Jersey right?
Was my family really involved?
I didn't say anything. I just stared at her. I knew my mom...
"Is this the reason why—" I paused. "Is this the reason why you didn't want me to help with the business—"
"Oh, for God's sake, Nikolai! How dare you use that against me," she said, looking at me. "You're my son. I want you to enjoy your life. And now, I am the bad guy."
My lips parted.
"I gave you everything you could ever ask for. And now you come to me with this nonsense!"
I couldn't say a thing.
She was lying.
I just knew she was lying.
"That girl—" she said. "That girl is poison, Nikolai! Look at what she's doing! First, she destroyed my marriage—"
"Your marriage was long destroyed before Jersey, mom."
Her lips parted. "You..." she said, drawing a deep breath. "You really are your father's son," she continued as she turned her back on me and poured herself a drink. I didn't know what I'd do. I wanted to leave. But I couldn't move.
"Mom—"
"You know what, Nikolai," she said, cutting me off. She turned and looked at me. "You are ungrateful like your dad. I gave you life. I provided you with everything."
I stared back. "But it came from what?"
She didn't give me an answer, but told me that I knew where the door was.
I couldn't sleep that night. I kept on thinking about everything. I kept on trying to remember if there were instances wherein I should've known... but maybe I just chose to ignore. Because my mom was right—she did give me everything.
I wanted to know more. I wanted to call Darius to confirm everything he told Jersey. I wanted to be sure. They were telling me my parents sell organs illegally to people! That they're basically murderers. How could I fucking live with myself knowing that everything I enjoyed growing up was from the blood of people my family killed just to keep us comfortable?
But then we received a message about Darius dying. And I knew... I knew deep inside me that his death was on me.
**
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