September 1st, 2004
I regretted letting a boy spend the night at my place. In my room. Especially a boy like Baji. I was a complete fool for agreeing to let him stay with me.
My eyes wouldn't stray away from his chest after he had begun to take off his shirt. It was the first time I was alone in a room with a half naked boy. He was only 15 years old, not quite 16, yet his body was that of a fully grown man. His abs showed just how fit he was.
Look away, you damn pervert.
I was finally about to pry my gaze away from him before the shirt was off his head. I hoped and prayed that he would quickly exchange that shirt for another one. But no. Instead I heard the sounds of his pants dropping.
For the love of-
I laid down in my bed, my front facing towards the wall. This was exactly the kind of situation I never wanted to be in. I wanted to change the subject that was circling in my mind.
"When's your birthday?"
"My birthday?" Baji questioned. More teasingly, "Why? Want to get me something for my birthday?"
"Maybe."
A few seconds passed, "November 3rd. Yours?"
"April 17th."
"So, you are older than some of the other kids in our grade."
"You are the oldest in our grade."
He laughed, "Of course I am. But I am only 5 months older than you."
"And a few weeks."
"Whatever. You know what I meant. I'm not that much older than you."
A few minutes went by.
"So, what you getting me for my birthday?"
I turned to look at him. It was a mistake. He was sitting on the futon he brought from his house and he was still without a shirt on. Thankful though, he had thin pajama pants on.
"A shirt to sleep in."
He laughed again, teasing me, "That's cute. I didn't know you were shy."
I turned away from him, "Screw off." I just made him laugh more.
"Will you want to come to my party?"
His sudden question surprised me. We were only in September and he was already inviting me? A lot could happen between now and then.
"You'll get to meet my friends."
Your biker gang friends.
I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. I might have developed some sort of attachment to Baji but it did not mean that I would like his friends or that they would like me.
"I don't know."
"Chifuyu will be there."
"Yeah. He is in Toman. I made him my Vice-Captain."
I got up and looked down at Baji, "You, what? When?"
"A few months ago."
When you both suddenly became good friends.
It was like missing pieces of a puzzle finally fitting in. But I still wondered how that all happened. I asked and he told me everything. The time that Matsuno had been ambushed by a gang, Baji had intervened and had taken care of those guys. Knowing Matsuno, he must have developed respect for Baji's strength and wanted to follow him just as he had followed me the last couple years. I guessed that Baji and I had some similarities.
Looks like both of my friends are in the same gang now.
I suddenly wanted to learn more about Toman. I wanted to know if they deserved my friends. I also wanted to make sure my friends were safe in the gang.
"Sure. I'll go," I let out, agreeing to go to Baji's party in a couple of months.
"Wait. Seriously?" He looked surprised. "You care about Chifuyu a lot, huh?"
I shrugged, "He may have inserted himself into my life by being persistent in trying to get me to accept him as a friend but he is a good guy. The least I can do for giving him such a hard time is to look out for him and his little girlfriend."
"Don't worry," Baji said, "I'll look out for him while he is in my Division."
I stared into his eyes and knew he was being serious. I had to look away. Feeling uncomfortable again that he was shirtless as we talked.
Although it was rather stupid for me, as a girl, to be alone with a boy who had only half of his clothes on, I was still glad he was with me. The distraction and comfort his presence brought me was something I didn't know I needed.
I had been spiraling down the dark abyss within my own mind but he had reached out his hand to bring me to the light. I honestly don't know how much longer I could have survived on my own. Even when I tried to tell Rai I was fine whenever he called. I was far from being fine. But for the first time since her death, I felt like I had a fighting chance at becoming fine.
----------------
"Can't sleep?"
I turned to see Baji rubbing his tired eyes as he stood a couple of feet away from me. I was standing in the small kitchen with a glass of water in my hand.
"I-" I was hesitant, "I had a nightmare. That's all."
"What about?" I didn't say anything. "You don't have to tell me. I just thought I should ask."
I sighed, "Would it kill you to put a damn shirt on?"
I looked away from him. He was closer than he was earlier with him in the futon and me in my bed. Even in the limited lighting of just the moon shining in my room, I could see all the curves of his abs.
"You want to touch?" He teased me.
"What?"
I was stunned. By the way he burst out laughing I could tell it showed all over my face.
"Damn. That's new. That expression is fucking great," he said, still laughing.
I glared at him, "Fuck you."
He smirked, "You'll have to buy me dinner before getting me in bed."
I deadpanned. Was he insinuating sex? Sex with another guy? Wait. Did he suspect that I was actually a girl? A million scenarios played inside of my mind.
I put my glass away.
"You're an idiot. Teasing another guy about having sex with him."
He shrugged, "Not like we haven't kissed before."
Why bring that up?!
"There's a huge difference between an accidental kiss and having sex," I told him.
He stepped closer to me, "You aren't saying no. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you like the idea."
I hadn't even ever thought about it! I just admired your body! That's all! I'm not ready for that! Besides, I am a girl! A GIRL!
I was freaking out in my mind. He was stirring so many foreign emotions within me. I didn't know I had backed myself into a wall. We were in the same position we were in at school. Only difference was that my heart was beating in my chest and I thought it was going to burst out.
"This is familiar," Baji said as he leaned in and whispered, "Will you punch me again?"
I was quickly forgetting that I was acting as a boy at the moment. At the moment, I was a girl with a shirtless boy leaning towards me. I could feel his breath on my lips. Had I been in my right mind the first time, would this have been the way I felt?
Baji smiled, pulling away, "That's better."
I blinked, "What?"
"You looked like you cried again," he told me.
"You did all that so I would stop looking like a crybaby?"
"Why else would I?" I said nothing. "Wait. Did you think I was being serious?" Again. I said nothing. He laughed, "I just felt like teasing you a little. Now that you have that mask down, it's fun making you have all these expressions."
"Asshole."
"You're the one that didn't say no or push me away. Did you want me to kiss you?" he said with a smirk.
"Yeah. I'm totally gay for you, Baji. Now you know my secret," I rolled my eyes.
Did I want him to kiss me?
I had to question myself. I did feel disappointed he hadn't. What was wrong with me? Baji was just a friend. And I was supposed to be a guy. Maybe I was just being all fucked up because I still felt depressed. I was trying to comfort myself with Baji. That had to be it.
You are pathetic using him like that.
I suddenly felt guilt. I couldn't just ignore my grief by jumping into his arms like that. That wasn't right.
But the real truth was, at the time, my emotions had all just been unlocked for the first time in years and I was still getting used to deciphering through them. I was like a kid trying to learn how to walk. It would take time.
"Understandable. I am pretty amazing," he joked. Then he looked at me with an expression that told me he realized something. "Wait. Did you just call me Baji?"
"That's what I always call you."
He shook his head, "Not without an honorific."
I hadn't even realized that I had done that.
He grinned, "I like it. You should just call me Baji from now on."
"I'll..." I looked away, "Consider it."
What was this boy doing to me?