Happy birthday to Ranboo!!!
I turn over when I wake up and notice Peter missing. I look at the clock and see it's already noon. Guess I missed breakfast. I roll over. I don't feel like getting up. I don't think that I can even face the others today.
My mind gets assaulted with my dreams of last night—Jax behind me, his lips pressed on my neck, while Peter kisses me senseless.
I shake my head and groan. I have to stop thinking of that. It's never going to happen. I take a small bag from the closet and put my ipod, phone, earbuds, charger, and all of my books in it before sneaking out of the room and going to my secret nook. This way I can relax without worrying about running into anyone else. Lincoln and I finished cleaning it up the other day, and now it actually looks like a livable room.
The light streams in through the window, and I get comfy with a book. I made sure to steal a beanbag and a blanket from the bonus room when I had the chance.
After a while, I don't feel like reading anymore, so I get out my phone and find something to watch. I'm thinking about what to watch when my stomach starts hurting. Bad.
I look at the clock. It's been three hours since I woke up. Darn. That means I have to go eat something. There goes my plan for avoiding everyone.
I leave my stuff there and sneak out and down the stairs. I check to see if anyone is there, and when there isn't, I rummage through the fridge for something.
"I can make you something if you're hungry."
I jump and look back to see Orion reaching over me for the eggs and butter.
"I'm good," I say quietly, not wanting to anger him further.
"You missed breakfast. Sit down." He goes over to the stove, grabs a frying pan, and puts a slab of butter in it to melt.
I carefully sit down on a bar stool and watch him make a fried egg. He toasts some bread and makes a sandwich. "You like mustard?" he asks.
I shake my head, and he slides the plate toward me.
"Thanks," I say and dig in. It's actually really good.
Orion leans against the counter. "My dad used to make my brother and I fried egg sandwiches whenever we wanted. Sometimes we would wake him up at three in the morning just for him to make us a fried egg sandwich. It was our thing, but now I get to share it with my new family." He looks at me. "You are a part of that new family, Blythe. Whether you want to be in our relationship or not. If you ever need anything, even at three in the morning, you can always come to us. We do care about you."
I look down, swallow, and nod.
Orion walks around the island and kisses me on the head. Then he leaves the kitchen.
I finish up the sandwich and sneak back upstairs again.
.~:*:~.
By the time I come out of my hiding spot again, it's close to dinner time, and I'm hungry again. When I step into the kitchen, everyone quiets down.
Well, this can't get any more awkward.
I look up as Sam and Dev walk into the kitchen—making out.
Never mind. It can.
Someone clears their throat, and the two break apart. Sam blushes as Dev grins.
Then Orion walks in with the car keys in his hands. "Everyone's here. Great. We need to go grab dinner stuff, so anyone who wants to go, get in the car."
"What's for dinner?" Peter asks as he puts his shoes on.
"Someone requested stuffed cabbage, so I'll make that tonight."
We all pile into the car—me stuck in the back again—and Orion takes off.
Besides idle chatter, no one really talks, and the awkwardness suffocates me.
It also makes me sad. I thought that I was fitting in here finally. We all had a thing going. And I just had to go fuck it up. But this is good. Now everyone will leave me alone. I can focus on surviving until the summer ends. This is for the best.
I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I see hundreds of people walking around outside in what looks like a market. Is this the same one from before? I thought we were going to a grocery store. If I knew we were coming here, I never would've come.
We all pile out and split apart to look for the different things Orion needs. I stick close to Orion since he's the only one who will actually talk to me. I try not to focus on anything around me. If I do, then I'll get overwhelmed and panic, and that's never a good thing.
I wish I brought a jacket because the hem of my shirt is now officially frayed. I take a deep breath and then let it out. I'm okay.
Orion comes to a tent with vegetables, but it looks crowded, so I stop and wait next to the entrance to the tent. I'll just join Orion when he comes back out.
I focus on my breathing, making sure it stays regulated. I feel surprisingly fine for someone who doesn't do well with people or heat. I chalk it up to the numbness I've been feeling these past couple days.
Nothing I seem to do interests me. I can't find anything I feel like reading or watching. My go-to sadness games don't even work. I just don't feel like doing anything recently. It's weird, but I've felt like this before, so I know it's normal.
The only thing that's different is that I can't stop thinking about the others. They've taken up the entirety of my brain. Everything I do or see reminds me of them, and all my emotions about what happened come back.
I just need to forget, and then I'll be fine.
How long does it take to buy a cabbage?
I focus back on my surroundings and head inside the tent to see if I can see Orion. It's not that big, so with one scan I can tell that Orion is not here.
My heart skips a beat, and fear runs through my veins.
I walk throughout the tent just in case, but he's nowhere. I rush outside and scan the people walking by. I don't recognize anyone.
Maybe I'll just head back to the car? I look both ways. But which way is the car?
I mentally scold myself. If I was just paying attention instead of focusing on Orion, I would vaguely know where the car is. I'm terrible at directions though so maybe not.
I pat my pockets down, looking for my phone, but I realize in the rush to get out, I left it upstairs in the nook. The only thing I have is my ipod, but there's no internet here.
I feel like crying, but I pinch the skin of my hand. I focus on the pain, and it distracts me from the panic. My head clears, and I can think. What's the first rule when lost? Stay where you are. Okay. I can do that.
I look behind me and go sit on the curb of the street beside the vegetable tent.
And then I wait.
As I wait, I watch the people walking up and down the street. It's busy for a Thursday night, but maybe not in the summer. I don't really know.
Then a thought occurs to me. What if they don't realize that I'm gone? What if they go back, have dinner, play a game or something, and then continue on with their lives like I never happened? That would make sense. I'm pretty sure everyone hates me right now—or at the very least, would be happy that they don't have to deal with me anymore.
My panic intensifies, and I feel tears prick my eyes.
Maybe getting lost was a good thing. They don't have to deal with me anymore. I can—oh god. I don't know how to live on my own. I can barely go shopping without collapsing in a panic! How am I supposed to earn money and buy things?
Okay, I actually read a book once about a homeless boy who fell in love with another boy who had a job and a place to stay. They started dating and whatnot, and the homeless boy moved in with the other boy. So that's what I'll do. Fall in love with someone who can... wow. I am pathetic. That is so shallow. I can't do that.
I feel like throwing up right now.
My hand burns, and I look down to see I've been pinching and scratching at it, so much so that it has started to bleed. Oops. I sit on my shaking hands. I look around again, seconds from crying. They're never gonna come back for me, are they?
I look up at the sun, trying to see how much time has passed when I hear something.
"—ythe! Blythe!"
I stand up, and my heart quickens. I rush to the front of the tent and look down the street. "Dev!" I shout and wave my arms.
He sees me. "Blythe!" He runs over and throws himself at me.
I stumble back but wrap my arms around him. I open my eyes and see Jax coming to a stop next to us, talking on the phone.
"We found him. He's okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Love you, bye." He hangs up and looks at me, suddenly growing concerned. His hand comes up and wipes at the tears on my face. "Are you okay? You're not hurt, are you?"
I shake my head and try to swallow down the rest of the tears, but I can't. They just keep coming. I can't stop them. "I'm fine. I'm just— I thought—" I can't seem to think of the words.
Jax smiles like he understands. "Everyone's back at the car."
I nod, then let go of Dev, but he hangs on. "Um, Dev? You can let go now."
"Nope," he says. "Never again."
"Well, I do have to walk, and we can't walk like this."
"I don't want to," he whines.
"Just carry him," Jax says, texting someone. "The others are waiting for us."
"Okay." Dev picks me up, and, mildly surprised, I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.
I hang on as Dev and Jax walk through the crowd of people like bosses. I wish I could do that.
"You're shaking," Dev whispers to me and rubs my back.
I just hold onto him tighter.
When we get back to the car, the others surround Dev and I, mostly asking if I'm okay. I tell them I'm fine, but no one believes me. I wouldn't either honestly. My eyes are red and puffy from the crying, and my hand looks like I put a cheese grater on it.
We've been driving for a couple minutes when I say, "I'm sorry." I watch my hands fidget on my lap.
"For what?" Sam says, turning around in his seat to look at me.
"For getting lost. It's my fault. I lost sight of Orion and then couldn't find him." I wipe at my tears. "I thought you guys wouldn't come back for me."
"Of course we would come back for you," Peter says, looking across Dev at me.
"Yeah, Peter's right," Dev says, sitting next to me.
"But you guys have been avoiding me and not talking to me. Don't you guys hate me?"
"We don't hate you," Jax says.
"Yeah," Peter chimes in. "It's just that no one has ever said no to being in this relationship, so we don't really know how to act around you. Like, what you're comfortable with and everything."
I look at each of them, surprised. "I don't want to be a burden. Do whatever you want to do. If I don't like it, then I'll leave the room. You don't have to worry about me."
"Too late for that," Orion and Jax say at the same time, and they look at each other in the mirror.
"You've been avoiding us too," Lincoln says from the front of the car.
"Yeah... I just— it's hard to explain. But I'll stop avoiding you, if you stop avoiding me." My voice quiets down. "I liked the way things were before. Can't we just... go back to that?"
"Yeah," Dev says. "Yeah, we can do that."
I look at him and smile.
"Does that mean that we can kiss whenever we want again?" Peter says and throws his head back. "Because that has been the hardest part."
We all laugh, and I look out of the window, glad things are better now. They actually came looking for me. Maybe they do care about me.
Mom tells me that she loves and cares for me all the time, but she doesn't really show it. Everyone here, though, has shown me that they care. Maybe they are different than mom. I'll have to keep seeing for myself though. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.
I mentally scold myself when I remember what else I said to them. Don't you guys hate me? I have never asked that question to anyone in my life. I've taught myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter. The only thing that matters is what I think of myself.
But I asked them that question. I'm wondering what they think of me, and I actually care about what they think. This has never happened to me before. I normally don't care what others think of me, but I do with them. Their opinions could destroy everything I've worked for, and I don't know how I feel about that.