*TW: self-destructive thoughts*
A S T R A E A
I am not okay.
And I am supposed to be asleep.
After leaving the court we went straight back home. My mom called Nicolas and told him about what happened so he immediately came over. He is currently laying down asleep on the King-sized bed beside me while I pretend to be sleeping.
But I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I don't see the empty black space I am supposed to see. Instead, all I can watch is a movie about my awful childhood memories. Audrey's words were always present in my head. They wouldn't go away. I can't push them away.
I slowly and discreetly got up from my bed careful not to wake up Nico. I put on my silk white robe and made my way to the huge balcony I have in my room. I sat on the floor leaning my back on the cold wall while I admired the breathtaking view I have from here. The chilly wind blew my smooth, brown hair, and the fresh scent of the threes and flowers my mother planted around the estate took over all of my senses.
It was peaceful and calm. No noise, no people hovering over me, no problems. Just me and my self-destroying thoughts.
I am exhausted.
Why me? Why did I have to be the one who went through all of this? Why there isn't anything good in my fucking life. Why my existence is filled with so much pain and sorrow.
I am so fucking exhausted.
I am tired of not being enough. I am tired of always trying to be someone I am not. I am tired of always being pressured. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of breathing. I am tired of surviving.
I want to be happy. Like really and truly happy. Not just happy for a few seconds, or minutes, or hours. I want to be permanently happy. Always happy.
But do I deserve this? Do I deserve to be happy? Do I deserve to be loved?
Maybe Audrey was right. Why would they ever love me?
I am ugly. My body is covered with scars.
I am broken. I have been abused. Raped. Manipulated.
I am fragile. I am pathetic.
My parents deserve a better daughter. One that hasn't been used and destroyed. One that is capable of showing her love and affection. One that they can be proud of. One that is smart and strong.
My brothers deserve a better sister. One that could defend them. One that can cuddle with them or play with them without flinching. One doesn't break down unexpectedly. One that is still innocent and pure.
My boyfriend deserves a better girlfriend. One that can love him unconditionally. One that can fulfill his sexual needs. One that is beautiful. One that hasn't been used and raped by other men. One that he can show off, love, and cherish. One he can build a family with.
I am neither of those things.
I don't deserve them. I am not enough.
Some people deserve to live more them I do. I am just a pathetic, pitiful waste of air.
Santi would have been so ashamed of the woman I have become.
Got tears were trailing down my face. I couldn't stop them. I didn't want to either.
My heart was aching. It was like someone was squeezing it waiting for it to expose. I don't want to be in pain anymore.
I want this to stop.
But I am terrified. I am afraid of dying. Not because death scares me but because I am afraid of all the things I can miss out on if I die. All the things I will lose. What if it gets better?
I hope.
After everything I have been through there is something I never lost. Hope. It was kept me going. Hoping for a better future. After the rain always comes a rainbow.
I heard the faint sound of the familiar footsteps coming my way. I quickly wiped my tears trying to appear normal which I am most certainly sure I failed.
"Hey, baby. Why are you awake?" Nicolas asked me softly while he sat on the floor next to me
"I...um. Nothing, I just had a nightmare" I smoothly lied but of course he didn't buy it
"You didn't even sleep at all, right?" he questioned—or more like confidently stated
"Yeah" I sigh "I just couldn't."
"It's an okay baby. But you should have woken me up. Talk to me, mon Etoile. I am here for you" He warmly tucked my hair behind my ear while he gazed at me with a certain adoration in his eyes directed to me.
"Why me?" I finally dared to ask
"What do you mean?" he confusingly said
"Why do you love me? You are the Nicholas Hale. You could literally have any girl you want. Why did you choose me? I am so fucking broken. I am not good enough for you" I cried out hopelessly
"I–I can't believe you just said that" He gasped shocked "Baby, I could state three hundred things I love about you right now. And don't doubt me. You are the most ideal and perfect girl for me. There is no one else I would rather be with. You are it for me, Astraea" he started
"I love everything about you. Your mind, your soul, your mindset, your smile, your personality, your looks... Every single fucking thing about you is utterly perfect. I love the way you act around children. I love the way you are fiercely loyal. I love the way you treat and respect your family. I love the way you proudly wear your battle scars. I love the way you bite your tongue when you are concentrating. I love the way you play with the gold necklace I gifted you when you are nervous.
I love your midnight black hair. I love your heart-shaped crimson lips. I love your colored lively eyes. I love your fresh addicting smell. I love the dimples that forme on your cheeks whenever you grace us with that breathtaking smile of yours. God damn it, I love you, Astraea. You don't fucking get it, I am utterly and desperately in love with you. You fucking own my heart, my soul, my body, my attention. You own me. You are the only woman for me, the only one I want to love, cherish, marry, build a family with and grow old with. My entire existence depends on you, mon Etoile" he finished tears of his own running down his cheeks while I tried to control my crying state.
"I love you, Nico" I manage to utter after he practically left me speechless with his words
I leaned in and captured his lips with mine. God, I missed those soft lips. He didn't hesitate to return the kiss as he only deepened it sliding his tongue in my warm mouth. He tasted the same peppermint flavor I was obsessed with. I missed his touch. His scent. His taste. I missed him.
"Never doubt yourself again, okay?" He asked as we pulled apart
"Okay, I promise" I muttered lowly as I tried to fight the darkness that wanted to consume me
Nicholas must have noticed my sleepy state as he said "Come on, let's get you to bed"
He picked me up carefully, placing my head on his chest then he positioned me on my bed, covered me with my blanket then slid next to me. He placed his hands protectively around my waist and pulled me in his chest as I snuggled closer to him. I was cuddling with my boyfriend. And I felt safe.
Maybe that was it. Maybe he was it. He was my hope. Now after being with him, I am no longer exhausted. I am smiling. I am relieved. I am excited. He is my happiness. He makes me feel alive. He makes my heart beat fast. He makes me smile. He makes m feel safe. I don't want to die anymore because I want to build a life with him. He excites me.
Someday I will be okay.
I know that the pain will never despair it will always be here but with time I will learn how to handle it better so it will hurt less.
I want to live. I want to learn. I want to experience. I want to travel. I want to build a family. I want to become a successful lawyer. I want to become a better version of myself.
I will get there...someday.
I just have to keep cycling until I reach my home.
And maybe I could use some help.
When you learn how to swim you wear a life jacket before you can swim on your own.
We all need help sometimes.
I am gonna be okay.
-----------------------------------
Short chapter but double update.
I will most likely rewrite this chapter.
Hope you enjoyed it, it was pretty deep.