Happy birthday to GeorgeNotFound!!!
I can't get Jax out of my head. Every time I think about him, I'm distracted. What he did to me yesterday keeps flashing in my head. No one has ever done anything like that to me before. None of that stuff even crossed my mind. I've never dated anyone—let alone kiss them. Peter was technically my first kiss.
My entire life, I've read about love and relationships, but not once did it cross my mind that stuff like that could happen to me. I'm not interesting enough for anyone. I'm just me. No one has shown interest in me, so I've never shown interest in anyone else.
So why did Jax do that? And why can't I stop thinking about it? Each time I do, my heart races, but it's not the type of racing that I'm used to. This one actually feels... good. Like, I want it to happen again. A rush of adrenaline follows, and now I think I'm addicted. I love that feeling. And that terrifies me.
But why also me? I was confident that Jax and Peter were dating. They're super close, and I've caught the looks on their faces before they could hide it. I've seen that look a thousand times in movies. They like each other.
But now that I'm thinking about it, I've seen Dev and Sam have that same look. But also Lincoln. And Orion. Actually, everyone does. But how can that be? I thought relationships can only be between two people?
I reach under my pillow and take out my phone. The brightness is fully up, so I blind myself before managing to turn the brightness down. I glance at Peter, making sure he's still sleeping, before going to the internet.
Is there such a thing as more than one person in a relationship?
I hit enter, and the first thing that pops up is polyamory.
What the hell is that?
The practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved.
Oh. Is that what this is then? I can't be certain, but I can definitely get proof. I'll watch them tomorrow. See how they act.
But now that I think about it, besides looks and touches, I haven't seen any other form of desire between them. This may be more difficult than I thought.
I put my phone back and look up at the ceiling.
If they all are in a relationship, were they ever going to tell me? I mean, I think I'm fine with it. I don't really know how polyamorous relationships work, but I'm an open minded person.
Maybe they think that I would tell on them or something? That's probably why they don't want to tell me. That makes sense. My guess is that polyamory isn't widely accepted. They have to be careful who they tell to keep their secret.
If I'm going to keep living here though, I need to show them that they can trust me. I don't want them hiding their real selves because of me. This is their home anyway. I'm just a guest. They shouldn't change their lives just because of me.
I'll show them in the morning that they can trust me.
I turn over and see the clock. 5:24
I'm never going to sleep tonight.
I turn on my music and close my eyes.
.~:*:~.
"You look dead."
I groan from my spot at the kitchen table. My eyes are closed, and I feel like I can fall asleep at any time. "I want to die."
I hear Orion's deep chuckle. "You can go die after breakfast."
I glare at him.
"Why are you so tired anyway?" Sam asks.
I shrug, lifting my head and nibbling on some toast. "I couldn't fall asleep. Too many thoughts racing through my head."
"Like what?"
I set myself up for that one. I can't tell them what I was actually thinking about last night. In the midst of my eyes wandering, I catch Jax's gaze. That immediately reminds me of last night, and I blush.
Jax grins.
Dev jabs my side. "Are you blushing?"
"No," I shout, slapping his hand away. I put my head back in my arms.
"You so are," he exclaims. "Why? What happened? What were you thinking about last night?"
About how much I want any one of you to press me against a wall and kiss me until I black out from lack of oxygen.
I groan.
"Leave Blythe alone," Lincoln says.
"Ooh, defending Blythe," Peter says. "What'd you two do last night?"
"That is none of your business."
Peter gasps. "So there was something?"
"No," I say. "Nothing happened." I glance at Jax and then quickly look away. "Imma go take a nap now." I grab my plate, put it in the sink, and hurry out of the kitchen.
Now that I'm out of the limelight, I can get my head on straight. I need to watch them without them knowing that I am. That way they'll act the most natural, and me taking a nap is the best cover.
I make sure to be loud as I walk up the stairs and shut the door. I wait for two seconds before quietly opening the door again and going to the hall closet. I go through the secret trapdoor and to the stairs to the bonus room. I can hear everyone much clearer here. I sit down and rest my back against the wall as I listen.
"Lincoln, what did you do to him?" Peter asks.
"Yeah," Jax says. "Something kept him awake."
I roll my eyes.
"He didn't go to sleep until late," Peter says. "I woke up at like five, and he was still up."
Oh, crap. I was hoping he wasn't awake.
"Does he have trouble sleeping?" Orion asks.
"I'm not sure, but I don't think I've seen him go to sleep anytime before two."
"Anxiety and insomnia sometimes go hand in hand," Jax says, sounding serious now.
"Do you think he needs help sleeping?" Orion asks.
"I don't know. Maybe?" Jax says. "But Blythe doesn't seem like the person to ask for that."
"He doesn't seem like the type of person to ask for anything though," Sam says. "Even if it's life or death."
"That's because of his mom," Lincoln says, and my blood runs cold. Wait. What?
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know the details, but the way he is—anxious and private—is partly because of his mom. My guess is that his mom dominates Blythe, making Blythe feel inferior, so at night, when everyone else is asleep, that's the only time where he can be himself. Haven't you guys noticed Blythe coming out of his shell the longer he's here? He's very different than the Blythe that first came here."
Everything is silent, but the only thing I hear is the beating of my heart. I can't form a single thought.
"Sorry. That was uncalled for. I'll—"
"No," Sam says. "It's okay. I guess we're all just in shock. We don't notice things like that. He's only been here for a couple weeks, and you figured all that out. I guess that is the reason you're majoring in psychology and behaviour."
Wow. Didn't know that. That actually fits Lincoln.
"Speaking of relationships, when are we going to tell him, Orion? He hasn't figured it out yet," Peter says.
Orion sighs. "He is the most oblivious out of everyone here—"
I am not oblivious!
"—How about tonight then? During dinner? Everyone okay with that?"
I hear them all agree, and the topic changes to something else, but my tired brain can't keep up with it anymore. I get up and quietly walk back towards the trapdoor, intent on actually getting some sleep.
I am not oblivious though. I don't know what Orion is talking about.
I climb back in bed and end up going to sleep for a couple hours. I wake up when Peter shakes me.
He smiles. "Orion told me to come wake you up. If you keep sleeping, you won't be able to sleep tonight."
"I'm up," I say and throw the comforter off of me. I follow Peter to the kitchen where Sam and Dev are playing Village Idiot. I smile. Those two could play the day away with that game if Orion would let them.
I sit down next to Dev, lay my head on the table, and watch them play.
"How was your nap, Blythe?" Sam asks, and he reminds me of what I heard this morning.
And then an image of him and Lincoln kissing invades my head. I smile though. "Good. Have you guys been playing all morning?"
"Pretty much," Dev says, and I watch as his face down card is a four, and he picks up the pile in the middle. "Jax, Lincoln, and Orion are working, so it's just us. Sam made some pb and j's for lunch. They're on the island in the container."
I get up, get a plate, and get two sandwiches. But then I remember that I'm not at home anymore. "Are these made with peanut butter?"
Sam looks up. "Yeah, why? Are you allergic?"
"No, no. I just don't like peanut butter." I put the sandwiches and the plate back.
Dev looks up at me with half a sandwich hanging out of his mouth. "What? Disowned."
I laugh and roll my eyes. "My apologies, oh great one."
Dev smiles and puts his last card down. "I win. In your face. Again?"
"Sure," Sam says.
"Deal me in," I say and sit down next to Dev.
Peter comes in and sits next to Sam. "Same."
Sam shuffles and deals out the cards. "If you don't like peanut butter, what do you eat on your sandwiches?"
"Almond butter."
Dev pretends to gag.
I laugh and arrange my cards. "It's not that bad. I would eat jars of it if I could."
"Does that mean you don't eat like Reese's?" Dev asks, looking very terrified.
I nod. "Don't like Reese's or anything else with peanut butter—pie, sandwiches, or ice cream." I yawn, suddenly feeling very tired again.
"I thought you took a nap?" Sam asks.
"I did. I guess I need a lot more than a couple hour nap."
"So..." Sam looks cautious. "Have you been sleeping well?"
My mind flashes back to their conversation, but I smile and nod. "Yeah. I'm good."
He doesn't seem like the type of person to ask for anything.
Hm. Maybe I am like that.
We play Village Idiot for a couple more hours before Sam starts making dinner. We're having sweet potatoes, broccoli, asparagus, and corn. I stop playing to help shuck the corn.
Orion walks in and messes with my hair as he passes me.
My hands come up to fix my hair as I scowl at Orion.
"How was work?" Sam asks.
Orion puts his bag down and gets a glass of water. "Tiring."
I keep my head down, watching their interaction. They stand close together, but that's not that weird. As Orion walks behind Sam to get to the table, I notice his hands barely touches Sam's elbow. Sam looks at Orion over his shoulder, and that look comes into his eyes again.
"What are you looking at?"
I jump and look at Jax as he leans on the island next to me. "Nothing." I continue shucking the corn.
"Great, Jax you're here," Sam says. "I need you to—"
"Oh, look. Did you hear that? Lincoln needs me. Upstairs. I have to go." Jax scurries off before Sam can say anything else.
I can't help but grin at the look on Sam's face. He throws his hands up. "Fine," he mumbles. "Guess who's spitting in his food tonight."
I help Sam finish up dinner and get the table ready. We dish out of the food and all sit down.
But then the air in the room gets weird, and finally Orion puts his fork down. "Blythe."
I look up at him. "Yeah?"
"There's something that we'd like to tell you."
I raise my eyebrow, feigning obliviousness. Okay, maybe that's why they think that. "Okay?"
"Now, before I tell you, just know that we've always wanted to tell you. I thought it was best though to let you settle in before we sprung this on you."
He looks at me, but I make sure to keep my face neutral.
"I'm just going to say it. All of us are in a relationship. It's called—"
"Polyamory. Yeah, I know." I go back to eating my dinner, but I look up as it stays quiet. "What?"
"You know?" Orion asks.
I take a sip of water. "Yeah, and I've thought about it."
"You have?"
I shrug. "Sure. I figured that you're worried about this coming out, so I won't tell anyone. And I'm okay with it. You do you. Whatever makes you happy, right?"
Jax leans back in his chair and grins. "Aren't you full of surprises? So what do you think?"
"What I think? I already told you. You do you—"
"No," Orion says. "About joining?"
Now my brain fritzes out. "What?"
"Joining us," Sam cuts in with a smile on his face. "We've all discussed it. We want you to join us."
"Me?"
He nods.
I look around at the table. Everyone is looking at me, waiting for my answer, and they all seem eager.
But I can't think right now. "You want me to join you?" I ask again, pointing just to make sure they understand what they're asking.
Orion nods, a different look coming into his eyes.
I don't know what to think, but my mind flashes to the definition of polyamory that I read last night.
The practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved.
That means like a regular relationship just with more people. But what even happens in a relationship? Kissing, touching, ...the other form of touching.
My heart races. I'm not ready for that. I'm not— I don't think— Me?
I'm not even anywhere near them. I'm trash. Why would they want me?
They must be joking. Seeing how I would react before they make fun of me.
My mind flashes to my skin, and I touch my hip.
I can't do this.
I won't let that happen again.
They don't really mean it.
I feel sick.
Without looking at anyone, I quietly say, "no," and walk out of the kitchen.
.~:*:~.
I stay in bed for the rest of the night, laying on my side facing away from the door. I hear the clanging of dishes and the others walking around, but I just lay there. I don't even listen to music. I don't know what I feel right now.
Peter comes in, but I don't move. I hear him moving around, but then I feel him sit on the bed. "Blythe," he whispers, sounding defeated. "Please look at me."
I don't move.
"Blythe." His voice cracks.
It makes my heart break. I turn over and see tears in his eyes. That shocks me enough to sit up. "Are you okay?" I ask, looking into his eyes. Then I cringe. "Bad question." I look down at my lap.
"It's okay, Blythe," he says and wipes his eyes. "This is all your choice. You don't have to join if you don't want to. But..." It looks like he's struggling to find the words.
I look at him again. "Peter, I—"
"You can say whatever you want, Blythe." His voice sounds stronger. "You can't fool me. I can tell if you're lying. Even if you don't know."
"I don't want to, Peter," I say, desperately trying to get him to know that. "I—"
My eyes widen as I feel his lips press against mine.
I can physically feel his emotions through the kiss, and a thousand more emotions rush over me.
He breaks the kiss, not moving away much farther though. "When you're ready, we'll be waiting." He gets up, shuts off the light, and gets in his bed.
I lay back down, throwing the comforter over my head, and let the tears run down my face.
My body thrums with adrenaline as I place my fingers over my lips. A feeling pools in my stomach, and I know exactly what that feeling is: want.