Happy Halloween guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter...... even though it's like all angst. This one is longer than usual!
TW: violence, bullying, suicide, drowning, death, trauma, drug use, and overdose
I woke up to silence, which I normally do, but this silence was unsettling. I looked to my side and saw Tommy leaning on me, still asleep. I gently moved him off of me before standing up. I scanned our dark living room looking for the thing causing the disturbance in the apartment. My eyes landed on the open bathroom door.
Fuck.
"Tommy Tommy!!" I shook him awake.
"What is it now Toby?" He groggily asked.
"It's Ranboo! The bathroom door is open; I think he left the house!"
Tommy immediately shot up.
"Ranboo's gone?! Where'd he go?!"
"I don't know Tommy! I just woke up!"
"Alright no need to be a dickhead! Let's go find him!"
Tommy grabbed his jacket off the couch and I put on one of the hoodies that was on our floor. We rushed out the door, grabbing our phones on the way out. I frantically texted and called Ranboo once we made it to the front of the apartment complex. I never got any sort of response, but I left about 15 worried voicemails.
Tommy and I frantically asked people if they had seen a tall man with sunglasses and a half black half white mask. Nobody had. Not knowing what else to do, we ran to Phil's store. The bell jingled on our way in.
"Welcome to- what's wrong?" Niki, one of Phil's employees, asked.
"Where's Phil?!" Tommy practically shouted.
The customers were staring at us, but at this point but we didn't care.
"In the back, but what's going-"
"Thanks Niki!" We both called while running into the back.
"Phil!" I cried.
"Oh my. What's happening?!" Phil was very concerned.
"It's Ranboo! Me and Tommy had a fight and he left and we don't know where he is and he won't answer his phone!"
"Alright calm down, Toby. Have you guys tried the find my iPhone app to find his phone?"
"No! I'll do it right now." Tommy began typing on his phone. I could see his eyes light up with hope as it was loading. Then I saw all the hope vanish from his eyes once the screen loaded.
I sat in a secluded part of the harbor that I had found when I was tagging things. I felt bad for just leaving them like that, but I think they'll appreciate that I'm gone. I'm writing a farewell to them and if they do find me they'll find it too. I sigh as I stare out into the ocean. The sun is setting and it's stunning. I've been sitting here for 2 hours contemplating if now is the time. I've decided that it is. It's finally time for me to get rid of all the pain. It's time for me to die. I know I mean a lot to Tommy and Toby, but they're so much stronger than me and I know they'll be able to overcome my death. They are what have kept me alive this long, and for that I am thankful. But I can't anymore. I can't hold on for them anymore. Tears stream down my face as I finish the note. I take off my lemon demon hoodie and my sunglasses; placing them on the ground, I walk to the edge of the dock. The sun descends and finally disappears on the horizon. I witnessed my last sunset, so I took my last breath.....and jumped into the dark water. The water surrounded my body. It swallowed me. I was content. This was the end I wanted and I wanted to relive all my pain before I never had to experience it again.
"Alright class it's time to go out and play!" My teacher informed us. All the other students ran out of the classroom while I took my time getting up out of my seat. By the time I had gotten outside my classmates were already in different groups and messing around. A small girl came up to me.
"Do you want to play tag with us?!" She practically yelled.
"Uh- not really."
She looked stunned at my answer as I headed for my secluded spot by the trees.
I just never saw the point of tag. Whenever my mom drank the juice she wouldn't let me have, she'd yell at me about how I better have good grades and nothing else can get in the way. I prefer to be alone anyway. I was peacefully sitting where I normally do when some kids came over.
"Hey quiet boy! Whatcha doing?" a boy in the group yelled at me.
I didn't know what to respond with.
"Hey, can you even talk?" a girl from the group asked.
"Y-y-es." I cursed myself for stuttering. My mom always hit me for doing that after dad left.
"Why do you talk so weird? And why don't you play tag or spy game with us?"
"I just don't want to." I meekly responded.
"Ok," the first boy that talked turned to his group of friends, "let's go, he's too weird."
As they left, I felt a small pain in my heart. 'Maybe I don't prefer being alone...'
"Hey freak!" Cal grabbed my backpack before I could walk any further. "Our favorite little geek passing us without saying 'hi'? We can't have that now."
I said nothing.
"Oh yeah, I forgot he doesn't talk. Haha, no wonder he has no friends!!" Cal high-fived his friend Jared.
"Hey, maybe the freak will talk if we take what he loves the most. Everything in his backpack!!" Jared rips the backpack away from me.
"H-hey! G-give that b-back!" I reached for the backpack, but Cal took it from Jared and shoved it in the trash can.
"Hey we were right!" They both walk off and leave me to pick through the trash for my backpack.
I sigh and quickly rush to class.
I quickly walked through the hallway. I needed to get home now. I dodged all the moving middle school bodies and headed straight towards the exit. My hand pressed against the door, but before it could open I was dragged back.
"Where do you think you're going?" Cal and Jared both pushed me into the boy's locker rooms.
"We haven't seen each other all day and you go to leave like that?! So rude and disrespectful!" Cal sneered.
"Please, I have to get home." They threw me on the ground anyway. My glasses clattered to the ground.
"Hey, Cal. Let's do this loser a favor and get rid of his glasses for him."
Before I could say anything, my glasses had already been stepped on. I looked at the pile of glass on the floor and thought about how hard I worked to pay for something beneficial to myself.
"Alright let's beat him up before we're late to practice." Cal said nonchalantly.
He kicked me right in my ribs. I hunched over and coughed a bit before a fist collided with my face. The back of my head hit the locker and I could feel where they had hurt me. Cal kicked me in my head, hard. I could feel blood dripping down from somewhere. They continued to kick and punch me until they got bored and left for football practice. Once they left, I drug myself up into a sitting position and rested my head against the lockers behind me. I wiped some blood away from my nose and stared into space, before realizing the text I had been sent. I scrambled to stand up, as difficult as it was, and limped out of the locker room and then out of the school. I quickened my pace as I remembered the text I had received earlier.
"You made my life hell after you were born. Goodbye you fucking mistake. And always remember this is all your fault."
I was scared of what I might find but I knew I had to go home. I didn't have anywhere else to go. I limped to the front of my house and stopped. I took a deep breath and limped to the front door. I easily unlocked the door, unlike sometimes when the lock was jammed. The door swung open with a creak. I stepped into my dimly lit house.
"Mom?" My sore throat, from screaming and crying, only let out a small sound.
The house was chillingly quiet and I was getting increasingly more worried. I went upstairs to my mothers room and opened the door. There she was laying in bed, wrists slit, blood everywhere, and purpled skin.
"MOM!!!" I screamed. I frantically ran up to hold her limp body in my arms. She wasn't even warm anymore. Her lifeless body felt icy in my hands. I sobbed and kept sobbing. I had no reason to feel any sadness over this woman's death, but here I was sobbing over one of the people who caused me to start doing drugs in the first place. After five minutes I called 911 and told them through sobs what happened. I stayed with my stepdad after that and I didn't return to school until 3 months had passed.
"Hey, freak. You're back! Nice mask too! Really fits your pussy aesthetic" Cal snottily called from behind me.
"We were worried that you might've followed in your mother's footsteps and offed yourself since you were gone for so long."
At that I furiously spun around.
"Don't you mother fucking assholes ever talk about her like that again!"
The two boys glared.
"I guess the freak forgot his place since he's been gone so long, Jared."
"Seems so. I guess we'll have to give him a good beating so he remembers."
I sprinted down the hall, my two tormentors close behind. Cal and Jared caught up to me easily and tackled me. My head hit the wall, blurring my vision as the boys dragged me into the bathroom next to where I was tackled. They worked together to drag me into a stall.
"Alright freak, since you were gone so long you get some special treatment. You better thank us afterwards." The two boys chuckled evilly.
Before I could react, my head was plunged into the toilet bowl. I struggled as hard as I could but it was no use. The boys had an iron grip on me. They brought my head back above water. I frantically scrambled for breath. They plunged my head back under mid-breath. I could feel water creep into my lungs. After a few minutes, they brought my head back up again and left. I coughed uncontrollably on the disgusting bathroom door. All I could do was lay there and struggle to breathe.
After what felt like forever, I managed to get up. I walked back to my step dad's house. My step dad riddled me with questions once I got through the door. I told him what happened. He contacted the principal. He said he couldn't do anything because it wasn't witnessed by any adults, but we both knew it was because they were both children of teachers that worked there. My step dad had enough and decided to take a promotion from his work that requires him to move and work in the UK. So we quickly looked at places and moved to the UK.
I struggled through the halls of the full house. I don't even know why I was invited to this party but regardless I wanted to find a quiet place away from people. I stumbled over some people making out before profusely apologizing to them. I quickly made my way to a room and tried the door. It opened easily, but I slowly opened it listening for any sounds of something that I wouldn't want to witness. I only heard talking so I decided to open the door fully and investigate. There was a small group of teens sitting in a circle. One was holding a cigarette or maybe a blunt and was about to light it with their lighter before I interrupted them.
"Oh sorry I'll go. I was just looking for a quiet spot. Sorry."
"Haha, no need to apologize. We don't mind. Hell you can even join us if you want."
He was the prettiest thing that I've ever laid eyes on. He had beautiful curly, light brown hair covered by a black beanie. He had a septum piercing and an eyebrow one on the left side; they fit him very well.
"Uh sure why not." I say while blushing underneath my mask. I quickly stepped into the room and sat down next to the cute boy.
"So what's your name cutie." He smirked while leaning back and signaling the teen with the now identified blunt to light it. The teen did as instructed and lit it before taking the first drag. The conversations I had interrupted with my entrance resumed.
"Uh you can just call me R."
"Alright R, I'm Vee. That's my actual name by the way," he chuckled, "it's a pleasure to meet you."
Soon after I introduced myself, Vee was handed the blunt. He took a long drag and carefully blew the smoke out into circles. I was captivated. He chuckled and handed me the blunt. I pulled down my face mask.
"Have you ever had any drugs before?"
"No, I've never really understood why people take them."
"Fair enough, are you ready for your first high R?"
"Maybe? I'm not really sure."
Vee touched my hand that was holding the blunt and put it to my lips.
"Just try it. It feels good."
I took a drag of the blunt. I felt the smoke go down my throat before coughing it out. I quickly passed the blunt to the other person next to me before putting my mask back on. Vee chuckled at my reaction.
We continued passing the blunt around until most people had lost interest and gone off with their respective friends. Vee stayed with me. I felt the most happy I ever had in my life at that moment. Vee pulled out some pills from his pocket and showed them to me.
"Want one?" He offered me one.
"What is it?"
"Just a xanny. My mom's doctor prescribed these to her but she never uses them."
"What do they do?"
"Makes you relaxed. Here, take it."
I took the pill and put it in my mouth. Vee handed me a water bottle that I accepted, before I swallowed the tiny pill. Vee did the same thing.
"So how long does it take to kick in?"
"Does that really matter right now?" Vee carefully took my hand and pulled me up, "let's go to a quieter place."
My blush deepened as Vee quietly pulled me out of the room. He led me to a more secluded part of the hallway before carefully removing my mask from one of my ears. He stared at my bright red face for a moment before chuckling and leaning in to kiss me.
That was the first and last day I ever saw Vee. He overdosed a day later. I hardly knew him, but I sobbed after hearing the news.
My step dad's girlfriend was yelling at me again. He was at work while she got drunk and yelled. It pissed me off. She was screaming about how I didn't come home early enough to steal her alcohol from the store. I was tuning her stupid lecture out. I was late because I had just done a job for Dream for this month's Xanax. I quickly rushed to my room and locked the door. I jumped on my twin bed and frantically opened the bag. I quickly swallowed one of the pills, laid down on my bed, and closed my eyes.
I woke up to shouting. I rolled my eyes. They were always like this. I lazily started to scroll through my phone before my door swung open.
"Are you seriously doing drugs?!" My step dad yelled
I scoffed.
"Please, if you really cared about me and my well-being you'd break up with that bitch. Plus you have no right to be judging my coping skills; you know what I've been through."
"Don't call your mother a bitch and you can't use your trauma as an excuse."
I scoffed again.
"Like I could ever see that monster as a mother, I only see you as my step father anyways."
I could tell that I really hurt him there. He was better than my own birth parents; he didn't deserve that comment.
"Shit I'm sorry I went way too far-"
"Get out." He growled.
"What?" I asked, devastated.
"Get out of the house. Stay somewhere else tonight. Come back tomorrow. I don't want to see your face again today."
"Alright."
I felt relaxed as my brain ran through my trauma one last time. It was almost comforting and nice to feel something again. Even if that feeling was pain. As I began to pass out from air loss, it occurred to me just how much I'd miss Toby and Tommy. They were the cause of the best moments of my life and I would not have lived this long without them. I really want them to know that this isn't their fault. To die was the only thing I ever wanted since age 9. I always wanted peace and I'm finally going to experience that. So thanks guys, even though I know you'll never hear this, thanks for being the best family in the whole world. I really do love you guys. I wish you well. Goodbye.....