Chapter 42
I watched as the early morning sun bathed Nate’s blonde hair, tucked on his arm was my daughter. Her shiny jet-black hair with its natural curly tips was splayed on the grass-covered earth, whilst her head was on his arm. Their eyes were closed and their lips were settled in a peaceful smile, it was as if everything around them was carefree, as if they drifted around a peaceful current. I stood few paces away from them and smiled in contentment. This was the happiness I have been wishing for, the feeling of warmth that seemed to stay permanently and the teary sensation nudging my eyes as I looked at them.
My eyes wandered on the picturesque view in front of me with them being the subject of its immeasurable beauty. The lake was beautiful as it reflected the blue hued sky above us, covering us from all the unpleasantness the world has to give. The trees swung rhythmically against a melody a heart could only hear. The mossed dock completed the vintage image before me; this lake has never changed since the last time I have been here.
The first time I had been here, it took my breath away as it was the most beautiful place I have ever been in my life. It was Nate who brought me here back then during our first date. It was as beautiful as ever and it was fairy tale like, especially that moment while we basked under the moonlight and talked almost about everything, uncaring of the world outside from our own little bubble. We were childish and young but the love we shared was as real as the world. Many things have happened after that, we broke apart, we almost fell out of love, and maybe he did. But I never stopped loving him; he was my life and would always be.
Slowly, Nath’seyes, which were framed with thick long lashes, fluttered open and her gaze landed on me. It was full of promises that my heart swelled in anticipation at what extent could my heart expand to accommodate all this arising hope and happiness inside my chest. She stood before me, her childish and playful smile beckoning me to step forward and close the distance before us, and so I did. Imagine looking at a cheerful colored wall, you couldn’t help but sag in relaxation and smile out of nowhere; it was like that when I looked at her face.
I crouched in front her and she reached out to touch my face with her tiny hands. She smiled ruefully that it tugged my heart. Her pretty smile was tinged with sadness and apology. “Why?” I said but no words came out from my mouth. I was confused as my eyes dropped on the ground for a fraction of second but when I looked at her again, she was already walking away from me. She took hesitant steps and I tried to call out to her but not so surprisingly I still couldn’t speak, then she spoke, “I already told Him I’m not a good girl because I make my mommy cry... I said please don’t take me away from mommy and daddy because they’ll get sad but he just smiled at me... I’m scared; I don’t want to be lonely... Nath don’t want to be alone...” she was talking with her soft little voice, tears evident from her tone as she sniffed. I wanted to see her face but she was looking away from me, her back turned at me. I tried to go to her but I was rooted from where I stood.
I was helpless I could only watch while she disappeared from my sight, hot trail of tears trickling down my cheek to the ground underneath me. Why was I crying? What was this heartbreaking sensation inside my chest?
I was scared shitless but I didn’t know why.
I scanned the place but Nate was nowhere to be seen, he was missing too and more grief settled inside my chest. I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest just to free myself from the wretchedness inside my chest. This was awful and I was so scared that my knees buckled under my weight and sobs broke from my mouth. They could take away everything from me but not my family, not my heart.
I’d die without them.
“Mommy! Come on, wake up!” My eyes snapped open and realized it was just a dream, a horrible dream. I was disoriented for a second as I took in the grassy field, the lake and the sight of the mountain ranges before me. That’s right, today was my daughter’s seventh birthday and we were out for a picnic and later today we were going to the amusement park. I must have fallen asleep, Nath tugged on my arm again, urging me to stand up.
I sat up and studied her vibrant face and that brilliant smile that accentuated her happy feature. She was enjoying this so much that I must remind her not to overwhelm her body with too much running. “Let’s eat!” She giggled and I couldn’t help but to smile back at her, the remnants of the memory of my dream forgotten. They would never go anywhere, they’d just stay here with me and we’d live happily.
“Let’s go, where’s your dad?” I asked as I scooped her up and she giggled more.
“Right there!” She pointed on our right and there was Nate, smiling at us with the food laid out neatly on the blanket. I chuckled they were really enjoying this. Of course, I was enjoying this too; it has been a long time since I relaxed myself like this. Too much had happened.
We made our way towards Nate who was wearing a ridiculous wide smile on his face but who was I to comment on how silly his smile was when I was having it on my face too. “I’m sorry I dozed off.”
I let go of Nath and she sat beside her father, taking a piece of sandwich from the container and started munching on it. “It’s okay... we explored for a bit while you slept.” He said shrugging and gestured for me to sit.
“Oh, so did you enjoy it, Nath?” I asked her and she nodded her head excitedly. Nate chuckled and so did I.
“Yes, we go round the lake and daddy said we can swim there when the weather is not cold! Can we, mommy? Please?” She said her eyes begging me and I chortled.
“Of course we can, but first you have to get stronger so you can swim...” I smiled at her and she bounced on her bum while she clapped her hands together giddily. I caught Nate’s look and we smiled at each other. He inched closer towards me and draped his arm around my shoulders, I leaned my head on him.
“And daddy told me stories when you are both still little!” She said proudly,
I looked at Nate and he shrugged innocently, “Little? Baby, your dad won’t know anything about while I am still a little girl, y’know... anyway, what did he say?” I heard Nate snicker beside me.
“He said that you fell on the lake while you’re on your sunmer trip back when you’re in a school... because daddy said you are busy looking how he played the ball!” she said with a loud giggle and I laughed. Expect Nate to tell those kinds of stories, not as if he was fabricating it. I really fell but that was because a friend nudged me and I lost my balance and it just happened that we locked eyes before I completely fell. It was extremely embarrassing and it was on the list per say.
“I am so not looking at you, you know!” I elbowed him and he burst out laughing.
“You are. Now that I think about it maybe you were starting to fall for me right then!” He said smugly and I rolled my eyes.
“After I fell, I could still remember later that day your dad was chased by bees!” I said, waving my arms to create a huge circle, not as if it pictured how ridiculous that scene was but Nath still laughed heartily.
“Bees? What are bees, mommy?” She asked, still giggling.
“They are insects making ‘bzzz’ sounds and when they sting you you’ll have yourself dance because of itchiness. It’s awful and your dad was chased by those and so he submerged himself on the lake.” I tucked my tongue out towards him.
“It wasn’t just me, Duke was the first to be chased then he came to us while we were playing and those bees started chasing us all around and we ALL jumped on the lake.” He said defensively with a shudder and Nath and I laughed out loud.
“Did daddy danced because of itchiness?” Nath wondered and I smoldered laughter as Nate chuckled.
“I did not. I can’t dance, no.”
“You want me to teach you ballet? Nath is good at ballet! Right mommy?” Nath stood eagerly and started tugging on Nate.
“Go on Nate, you should learn how to do ballet if you want to get close to her!” I chortled.
Nate looked at me incredulously like I just told him to strip star naked in a public place. “We’re already close...” He rolled his eyes but stood up nonetheless, he couldn’t even say no to Nath!
My tummy started to ache as I watched Nate fall on his bum as he tried to copy Nath. I was laughing non-stop and so was them. Ourlaughters resounded all over the place and it was like a melody to my ears. They continued their gambols while I continued laughing at their silly stumbles.
“You’ve been laughing like a mad woman, you must know it’s not easy at all!” Nate pouted despite the laughter on his eyes as he flopped down beside me with exhaustion.
“Believe me, I know how hard it is to dance with Nath but you should have seen your face! It was so funny!” I wiped a tear on my eyes and looked down at him only to see him looking at me intently. I quirked an eyebrow and he propped himself with his elbow while he inched closer to me.
Was he going to kiss me?
I could still hear Nath and her giggles but my full attention was on Nate’s lips that were only a breath away from me. He closed the distance between us and claimed my lips it was perfect. It was as if the world was under a slow motion, the kiss felt like it lasted for days, when in fact it must have been seconds only. He licked my bottom lip and I opened up for him, we tasted each other and I quested on his familiar warmth, explored the familiar taste of his in mine.
We broke the kiss and we were both breathless, “I love you, J.” He breathed and my heart swelled.
“I love you more...” I said and leaned my forehead on his.
“And I love you both, mommy and daddy!” Our eyes snapped on Nath to see her crouching before us with her hand cupping her face adorably. She was watching us again, and it was wrong of us to forget she was with us and we shouldn’t be acting carelessly. She was a child after all.
“Mommy loves you most, baby!” I said, hugging her while she giggled.
“And I love the both of you the best!” Nate said dramatically flapping his arms around us.
“Let’s teach your mom how to dance to, shall we?” Nate asked Nath with a gleam in his eyes and I chuckled, of course, Nath being as playful as she was, she tugged on me again and there, we were dancing like fools in the middle of a clearing, laughing our assess off.
After we had lunch we made our way to the amusement park, it wasn’t that big but for a kid, it was like a place out from a picture book. It was renovated and it wasn’t how it looked back in our times. Nath was still so giddy like she hasn’t felt any tiredness at all. But seeing her as happy as she was now, I couldn’t help but just to smile at her and treasure this wonderful moment.
Nate and I walked hand in hand as we followed our overly active daughter. Our. God, I could weep on how much happy I am right now, never in my life did I see myself walking with my family like this, with Nath and Nate. Nate smiled down at me, he must be thinking same as me and he pecked my lips, lingering for a little and I smiled at him.
I love him so much.
Nath pulled us towards the carousel and jumped on her feet excitedly, “Daddy, let’s ride those horses! You’re a prince and I’m your princess!” She said and Nate chuckled in response.
“Roger that.” He said and they fell in line, I took a picture of them and finally it was their turn to ascend the ride. Nath was waving at me frantically after Nate placed her atop the tall horse and he climbed too. “Be careful.” I called out and they waved again at me, smiling happily. It was picture perfect, my life as of this moment was picture perfect. There in front of me were the center of my world, my prince and princess. The carousel started with a nursery rhyme at its background. Every time Nath would see me as the Carousel went around, she would blow me kisses and I happily caught them all.
This moment would be a part of the new memories we were creating, this would be a part of the life we were starting to build and I was happy with it. But I must have known better than that because I knew perfectly well that life was unpredictable and we should always be prepared of the unexpected. I should have known that my life couldn’t be as perfect as this, how many times did I have to learn that.
God is cruel with me.
My smile dropped when Nate bellowed for the staffs to stop the ride and the next thing that I saw was my daughter’s unconscious little body, leaning limply on Nate. Her eyes were closed and her brows were knitted with a heavy frown like she was in pain. My heart fell.
The next events past by with a hazy blur, ambulance came, Nath was bustled in the stretcher and we were already making our way in the emergency room in a haste. Doctor’s were frantically seeing my daughter while I just stood there, overwhelmed by everything.
Nate’s arms enveloped me with a tight hug as he murmured something in my ears but I couldn’t hear anything aside from the irritating buzz in my head. It was funny how earlier every thing was great, Nath was laughing and playing mindlessly now she was on that damn stretcher and the curtains were closed being hovered by doctors.
“What’s happening to her?” I breathed and Nate answered me, though I wasn’t exactly asking him.
“They said it was probably a relapse or something. I don’t know, they’re still checking her out...”
“Every thing is so sudden...” I said and he wiped my face, I didn’t realize tears were continuously streaming down my face. Damn it, why do I always have to break down and cry? Why couldn’t I be strong for once?
“She’s okay just a minute ago and then this? What’s happening, Nate? What did I do to deserve this, what have I done that my daughter has to suffer all this? What?” I cried as I felt my knees wobble but Nate’s grip on me tightened as he supported my weight and stirred me to the chairs neatly aligned at the lobby of the ER.
“It’s gonna be okay, Jane. We have to believe it’s gonna be okay.” He cooed and I gaped at him. How could he say that when it’s obviously not going to be okay? Nothing’s gonna be okay, especially for me!
I pushed him away, “You’re wrong to believe that.” I cried helplessly. God, why are you doing this to me, what have I done to deserve all this?
Fuck my life.
Nate looked at me his eyes were hard, “You have to believe Jane. That’s all that we could do. Believe me, okay? Trust me... say you trust me.”
With my heart on my throat I nodded resignedly. “I trust you...”
He smiled warmly and it made my tears well again, “Then you have to trust me when I say Nath’sgonna be okay. I know it. Understand?” He asked and I nodded again. Maybe he was right, maybe I just have to stop thinking and embrace all of this, no more why and what. No more asking, I just have to live with this, and pray that my daughter would be okay. I just have to believe to whatever it was, that my daughter is going to be okay.
Dr. Andersen emerged from inside and made his way towards us, his face was grim and my heart constricted. I just have to believe. Nate squeezed my hand reassuringly and I closed my eyes, soaking on the warmth he provided me.
“Please speak, Dr. Andersen.” Nate cut through the silence and Dr. Andersen sighed.
“Leukemia is not an easy illness, and like any other cancer, it is unpredictable. Your daughter is in need of a bone marrow transplant, urgently. Or else the cancer cells would start metastasizing. We wouldn’t want that and as early as now we have to produce more cells but her bone marrow now is defective.” He said and I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I gasped for an air.
“Are you okay?” Nate asked me worriedly and Dr. Andersen too looked at me with concerned eyes.
“But we couldn’t find a donor? What should we do?” I asked in horror. They were saying it as if it was easy to find a compatible donor, we’ve been waiting for it but no one has come to donate.
“She’s right, if we need it urgently then it’s a problem because we couldn’t find a donor.” Nate agreed and Dr. Andersen looked at us in a pained manner and how I hated how he looked at us with those eyes because it was crushing my hopes. “What will happen to my daughter?” Nate rasped.
“Her illness might progress in a terminal stage.” I gasped, God, it was awful, how could you do this to my family. Please answer me.
“You have to do something about this! My daughter’s life is in your hands. You have to do something about this!” I stood up and pointed angrily towards Dr. Andersen who looked at me with those same eyes. He was kind and understanding and truth be told, I was thankful of him for every thing that he has done for my daughter until now but this was the only thing I could do. I need his words that he’d do everything in his capability to cure my daughter.
“We are going to continue his chemotherapy until we can find a donor. We will try to control the cancer cells—“
“Do it, please, do it. Don’t try, you have to tell me you’re going to do it, no matter what my daughter has to live!” I cried gaining other people’s attention and in no moment at all, Nate was by my side, hugging me.
“We will do it, Mrs. Hughes.” He said solemnly and I swallowed the lump stuck on my throat and nodded. The feeling when you were fruitlessly struggling while you were drowning, gasping for air, yelling for help, flailing to keep yourself afloat, doing it all at once then you’d realize it was better to just drown than to continue fighting this helpless battle, that was how I was feeling. I was slowly losing all the hope but then looking at my daughter’s calm face despite the tubes attached to her, I realized I must not give up because she was fighting.
My daughter was transferred in the clean room and was limited for visitors. Only Nate and I was allowed to stay and she has been drifting from sleep. She wouldn’t stay awake for too long because she was extremely weak and every time she would open her eyes, she would wear a smile that could light up the world. Giving a tiny flicker of hope inside me that I used to hold on to. I have to hang on.
Nate and I have to, for our daughter.
Author's note:
Hi everyone, I'm back... thank you for those who said touching words for me and for those who supported me despite of my lackings. I think I'll finish IWAF today... stay tuned! :D