As another week passes, I spend almost all my evenings with you, watching you play hopeful melodies and also the sad ones. I spend the rest of the night twisting and turning in my bed, waiting for Adrian to jump in through my window. Even keeping it shut all day long doesn't stop me from hoping.
I've spent three weeks with the time and space Adrian had mentioned when he let me go. By this time, I'm supposed to find my answers and accept my decision, my one right choice. But nothing stopped me from the silent introspection that my mind has been doing all this time.
I hide behind the kitchen wall and listen whenever mom talks to Adrian. He hasn't stopped asking about me. He is concerned about my finals and wants me to return, not for him but the classes. I haven't stopped either, I keep checking his social handles, and all it does is - cave my heart some more.
There are no substantial new posts except one from his last match with his new team and one with a blonde named Chloe Drake. I ignore the other two guys in the picture as all my eyes can focus on is the way she has her petite body draped over his side. My pulse keeps hammering, a bitter venom course through my veins with the thought that he found my replacement in a mere three weeks. But then, after crying internally for the entire night, I swallow the vile, nasty feeling for the sake of his happiness.
It needs to stop. I won't allow myself to be hung up on one guy while moving on with the other. It's so damn wrong, and I feel like the worst kind of person to put all three of us through my indecisive behavior.
So, I try harder, with more resolve for you, Augustus. I let myself float in the soft melody of your voice, the gentle embrace of your arms, and the passionate kisses of your lips. I don't listen to the silent plea at the back of my mind, whispering some hidden secrets of my heart. Instead, I let you kiss me breathless, trying to ignore the tightness in my lungs. I ask you to hold me against your warmth, trying to relax the cold seeping into my heart. I shut off every voice, every sign, and every memory.
Then one night, I finally take on my choice. I send one single message to you as my fingers drift over the dusty box in my hands.
Me: I'm ready, Augustus.
I place the phone back on the nightstand and get pulled back in time. The box is from years back, before I had even met you, Augustus. This one was hiding under my bed for the last five years. I had dumped all the letters written in bad grammar by a sappy and over-sensitive teenager, who crushed on the boy next door. I trace the purple heart itched on the lid in between letters A and V. I should've gotten rid of these memories long back instead of adding new ones to it, memories that pulse along with my heartbeats.
It's time to cut some ties loose and bind the ones that will last forever. I sit for ten long minutes, with my legs pulled together and chin propped on my knees. The pain has not receded yet, and it's never going to either. Over time it will grow tendrils and coil around my soul, but maybe your love will heal me, Augustus.
It has to.
Just when I'm sure it's fading, a new rush of desperation has me stumbling out of bed towards the dresser. I claw at my clothes until I find the piece of clothing I'm searching for. I bunch Adrian's soccer jersey with his name and a faint smell. I had packed it along with my clothes when I came home. The thought that it's the last time I'm subjecting myself to this torment, I discard the t-shirt I'm wearing and pull his jersey over my head, down my body. His smell engulfs me, and for the first time in three weeks, a warm fuzzy feeling floods me.
"One last time," I mumble with trembling lips as I snatch my laptop from the table and settle on the floor. For the next few hours, I watch all the games I've missed, and the moment I catch glimpses of Adrian, I let go. I'm a mess fresh out of an asylum, tears flowing down my eyes and my body shaking with the impact of my sobs.
It goes till my eyes are sore, and I can't keep them open. I sleep with Adrian's smell engulfing me and wish the night never comes to an end.
But it does.
***
The speakeasy isn't packed tonight, just the usual town crowd filling the bar and grooving at the dancefloor. Your band wrapped their last performance in town yesterday night, and I wonder if you feel the same ache as me in your heart to let go of the band for us.
You are by the stage perched on a barstool, strumming your guitar playing a number that has become the crowd's favorite over the last few weeks. You always start the evening with the same song and your oh-so-alluring dimpled smile.
I slide up to the bar, giving Terry a nod. He has grown well over the years, with his close-cut dark hair and sharp cheekbones. No doubt he owns the entire speakeasy with that powerful aura of literally owning the place.
Your eyes follow my arrival, and you smile, hitting a wrong note. A low laugh escapes my mouth with the way you cover that up with a shake of your head. Your golden hair is not tied up, and they fall just above your shoulder, giving you a more mature look. I still can't believe you'll be all mine because the mere thought of it makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable. Those hopeful eyes, pinning me while you sing to the crowd, add to my misery.
I'm going official with you tonight, but it still doesn't make me dancing-on-air happy. You frown at me from across the bar as I down the jack and coke. I smile at you and shake my head when you assess me.
You can't ruin it, Violet.
And then you clear your throat into the mic, readjusting the tuning and strum softly. Once you have everyone's attention, you lock your eyes with mine.
"So, I've got this new song that I prepared for tonight," you say. "It's a cover of my favorite number for the girl of my life. Do you want to hear it?"
A series of whistles and claps ripple through the crowd, and I'm the first one to mouth a "yes" as you smile at me. "Brace yourself then because this one might make you cry." The crowd cheers and encourages me, but the way sadness seeps through your gaze, I suddenly feel a deep ache in my heart.
You start the melody, an intense shift from light to heavy tune, and then you sing with your eyes locked with me, and I know every word in that deep, reverent voice is just for me. And I find myself taking a long swig of water to prevent my drying mouth as your ballad begins.
"It's been like a lifetime
waiting for you.
I've been running,
Falling,
Looking for your face in every hello,
Longing for you in every goodbye.
I let you go once
A long, long time ago,
And I failed you then
But I won't fail you now
Won't let you drown,
Won't let you break.
I won't let you break.
Now that fate has conspired to bring us together,
I will do right by you this time.
Because baby, you have my whole heart
But your heart is somewhere else.
Now that fate has conspired to bring us together
I will take your pain with me,
So you can find the cure to your aching heart,
So you can stop running from your home.
And baby, it's not easy for me
to see the pain in your eyes,
to feel you shatter in my arms.
Now that fate has conspired to bring us together,
let's fix all that we have wronged
Because I can't let you fall
I can't let you fall, not this time."
By the time you finish the song, my eyes are closed, tears wet my cheeks, and my heart shatters into a million pieces all over again. Because every word you sang served as the naked truth of our falling apart. You felt it even as I concealed it from you. Nothing reaches my ear, not the cheering of the crowd, not the music that surrounds the room until your faint whisper pulls me through. "Dance with me, Violet."
I open my eyes, looking at your calm amber eyes through my wet eyelashes. You hold out your hand, and I instantly grip your strong fingers. I feel your warm embrace coming around me, and I shatter some more. Your gaze sweeps across my sniffing face, fingers brushing away a strand from my face, and then you hold me in yours and move us to the beat, placing your chin on my head.
We slide through sad, unpracticed steps, waltzing in a perfect rhythm for a few minutes, and fall back into silent soul searching eye contact. It's painfully beautiful how I ever got these moments to live them together with you.
You pull me tighter against you and continue to cradle us with music playing in the background. Curling up against your chest, I place my head on your shoulder and stare up at you. "You played that song for me?"
"Every single word, Violet."
My fingers tighten around yours as you hold our entwined hands over your heart. "It's time to let go and move on."
I jerk my hand from your hold, my body tensing against you. "Are you letting me go again, Augustus?"
"No," your voice cracks. "I let you go a long time ago, and I lost you the moment I let you go." You hold my face in your hands and wipe away the salty trail there.
I ball my hands over my heart and shake my head. "I chose you, Augustus. I'm ready to fight for us."
"You're fighting so hard for us, Violet." your voice is a whisper. "But you are on the battlefield without your armor. No matter how much I try to shield you, you will break into pieces, bruised and wounded, scarred for a lifetime. And I can't do that to you."
"Why are you saying this?" My lips tremble as I trace the line of your jaw, trying to make sense of your words.
"You need him, Violet." I can read the declaration on your face. "He's the one who doesn't need to be physically present to claim his existence in your heart."
I wish so desperately for you to be wrong about this, but everything you say seems like an epiphany. "You said you would fight for me. You promised to help me through my choice."
"You don't choose who to fall for or who to love. Love is not a choice, it just happens, and we can't help it." You drape your arms around me, stroke my hair as my breathing gets choppy.
"I love you, Augustus." I curl my fingers around your frame, trying to hold you for as long as I can but I know sometimes love isn't enough to be with someone.
"I love you too, Violet." You place your forehead against mine as I whimper. "But we both know that you are in love with him."
I finally break in your arms, taking in a mouthful of air to settle the spasms in my lungs. Our hands reach for each other with equal desperation. You hold me close to your heart as we cry painful tears knowing that we need to go through this together till the end.
Because no matter how hard we fight, we can't bring back the years we have lost. We can't fill the gaps between us. We met as strangers, and we are back to being strangers, walking on the opposite sides of the road. But I don't regret meeting you, Augustus. Even though it's a cruel truth, I accept that you led me to Adrian.
After we embrace each other, reliving all the moments up to this very heartbreaking one. I pull back enough to capture the features of your face one last time. The warm tint of your amber eyes, your golden hair that resembles the sunlight, and those dimples biting into your cheeks, will always be mine, even though you are no longer mine.
"You can let go now, Violet." You mumble the words over my lips just before touching your mouth to mine in a soul-shattering kiss. I close my eyes and kiss you with a promise that you will always be in my memories, that every fragment of you will be a beautiful part of my story. This kiss is a remembrance. We've connected like this before, with a hopeless, breathless dance of passion. Only this time, we are finally saying our goodbyes.
When we pull away from each other, there's no remorse in your eyes, and there's none in mine because we are doing it right this time. As we walk out of the Smoothie Shack, the place where it all started, I look at my familiar stranger walking beside me and smile. We were like the fairytale in this real world, but my story is waiting for me somewhere else.
Late at night, as I sleep in my bed, I start recalling all the moments we've created in these three weeks. They are worth all the painful years I longed for you, Augustus. And I don't know if Adrian has already moved on or it's simply too late for us, but I'm ready to fight for my love. His green eyes spark a new hope in my heart just before I fall asleep.
***
I find my way back to the old housing estate in the morning to see the last glimpse of you before I head towards a new love. The empty walls stare back at me when I step into the room where your song still echoes.
But you are not here anymore, Augustus.
***
Author's Note: This chapter broke my heart. I've nothing to say except that Augustus and Violet were fated to be apart from the beginning. Let me know in the comments your thoughts about this chapter. Also, don't forget to vote.
Do you think Adrian has moved on so fast?