Epilogue – Part 6
I wished I was just really losing my mind. Jersey's been acting so freaking strange lately. I asked her once, but she just shook her head and told me that she's fine and that I should just focus on reviewing. I wanted to ask her again... but she already said that she's fine. She knew she could count on me... So, I dropped it already. She would talk to me when she's ready. She knew that I would always be right beside her and behind her—whatever she needed.
"Shanelle," I called.
We were not really friend friend... but she's nice. And I thought that it was unfair that the only reason why I was keeping her at arm's length was because I felt like being close to her was equivalent to betraying Assia.
She's with Vito... or whatever.
That's seriously none of my business.
"Have you talked to Jersey?" I asked.
"Di masyado."
I nodded. "Did... she mention any... problem?" I asked because I really wanted to help her but I felt like I couldn't ask her again. I didn't want to risk pissing her off when I felt like she's already—
Nope.
Not gonna go there.
"None that I can remember," she replied. But she's such a good liar that I couldn't tell if she was telling the truth or if she was upholding some kind of girl code. But either way, I felt relieved... kinda. If she's telling the truth, then it's good that Jersey's fine and I was just being paranoid. If she's upholding some kind of girl code, then I was happy for Jersey for having another friend. Because as far as I could remember, her only friend was Indie from SCA. I didn't consider Bentley as her friend.
I focused on reviewing because I badly needed to pass the BAR in one take. Aside from the humiliation that I'd feel if my friends passed and I didn't, I wanted to focus on the 'next' chapter of my life. I was still torn if I would practice law or if I would begin to help with the family business. I asked my parents before but they told me that my help wasn't that needed yet and I still have a few years to try to use my degree or something.
It's so weird because I felt like Vito should've been their son—that guy would do anything to get out of running their business. While I, on the other hand, was being given the freedom I really didn't ask for.
Life's weird like that.
I left while they were still reviewing because I wanted to pick Jersey up from school. I wanted to have dinner with my girlfriend. Even if she was not really communicating with me, I just wanted her to feel my presence. For her to know that I wasn't lying when I said that I had her back—that I meant every word when I said that.
I parked in front of the gate. I planned to wait inside the car but I got bored because it's already 11PM and classes usually end at 9:30. Maybe her class extended... even if today's the first week of class. But I still got so bored, so I got outside. I stood beside my car as I waited for her. I saw some of the guys from the frat and I just politely nodded at them, although I really wanted to distance myself from them. I just wanted to focus on the BAR, Jersey, and what I'd do after the BAR. I already spent most of my life drinking and partying—I was kinda done with that life already.
"Hey..." I said when I saw Jersey. She was with Bentley, but I chose to ignore him. What's important was that she's here.
"Kanina ka pa?" she asked. There was a tone that suggested that she'd rather not have me here, but I chose to ignore that. I was just being paranoid.
"Not really," I said. "How's first day?"
"Walang pumasok," she replied.
"Dinner?" I asked. My stomach grumbled earlier, but it already stopped. But I still wanted to eat, and I figured that Jersey must be hungry, too, because it's already 11PM.
"Uwi na," she simply replied.
"Okay..."
We both got in the car. Jersey was still very quiet. She was just looking outside. I knew that she knew that I was watching her, but even that got ignored. It seemed that she wanted to be left alone with her thoughts.
And I knew I would probably get shut down again, but once again, I called her name.
"Jersey," I said when we stopped in front of the traffic lights. She was still looking at the cars outside. I badly wanted to reach out to her and to touch her, but I didn't want to take my chances. What if... she flinches? That would surely cause a crack. I felt like I was already walking on thin ice no matter how many times I tell myself that I was just being paranoid.
I felt like our relationship was very vulnerable at this point.
I didn't want to risk it.
I was scared.
"How about takeout?" I asked just to break the silence.
"Di ako gutom."
"Okay," I replied because at this point, it felt like talking to a wall would be more productive. I continued to drive in silence and instead of going to the parking lot, I just stopped in front of the building of her condo. I was not in the mood to do anything anymore. I just wanted to go home. And to sleep. And to stop wondering what the hell happened that made us like this? Because I kept on trying to remember if there was anything I did... but I always came up with nothing.
"Good night," she said after she unbuckled her seatbelt. She grabbed her things and she was ready to leave...
And I said that I didn't want to push it.
But I also couldn't end another night like this.
"Jersey," I called her name gently. She paused. It was like her entire being paused. She looked at me. Was it possible to read a person's mind? Because at this point, I felt like I would give anything to know what was going on inside her head. "It's been months... I don't know what's bothering you, but please know that whatever it is, I'm here."
I forced myself to smile.
The atmosphere inside the car was too heavy.
This felt foreign—this didn't feel like us anymore.
"I'm serious. You can tell me anything. I won't judge. I'll just listen. And maybe talk if you want me to," I continued and looked her in the eye and wished that she would hear the words I said. "I miss us."
She stared back.
And... I prayed that she'd let me in once again. That she'd share whatever problem she was carrying—because I was willing to carry her problems with her. I wanted to lift off some of the burden, but only if she would let me.
I waited.
And waited.
I needed her to let me in.
"Di ka ba rito matutulog?" she asked after what felt like the most frightening twenty seconds of my life. I looked at her. I wanted to stay. I really wanted to... but it felt like she felt like she was obligated to ask me to stay. And I didn't want that. When we got together, I promised myself that I would always give her a choice. I promised myself that I would be much better than all the other men who disappointed her.
"Nah... I have to review," I said with a small smile so that she wouldn't feel bad that I said no.
"Pwede naman sa condo," she insisted.
I paused and looked at her. "You want me there?" I asked... because it would feel nice to know that she wanted me here.
"Kung gusto mo," she replied, looking into my eyes. I stared back. She looked so... sad. And I really, really wanted to ask... but a part of me was afraid to know the answer. Because why was she so afraid to tell me?
"I thought you want space," I said instead.
"Tulungan kitang magreview," she replied instead.
Sometimes, it did feel like we were just going around in circles.
* * *
"Do you need anything?" Mom asked.
"No, I'm good," I assured her.
It's the start of the BAR month. We were in the same hotel designated for our school. It's easier this way because we'd have quick access to the last minute tips. Plus Vito's on the same floor. I felt like I already reviewed myself to death. Because instead of running myself ragged thinking about Jersey and our relationship, I just focused my attention on reviewing. To be fucking honest, I would not be surprised, at all, if I topped this fucking BAR. I studied like a fucking mad man—even Vito and Sancho told me to slow down. But I couldn't slow down. Because if I did slow down, then I would have time to think. And if I have time to think, I would think about Jersey.
It's a vicious cycle.
"You do know that I'm proud of you, right?" Mom said.
I groaned. "Please stop."
She laughed. "Fine, fine," she said. "But do give me a call if you ever need anything," she added.
"Yeah, yeah."
"Good luck with your exam. I'm always proud of you."
I smiled. It was nice to hear that, to be honest.
After that, my mom left my room. I was left alone. It was silent. I hated the silence. I went out of the room and headed towards Vito's room. I knocked and he was frowning when he opened the door.
"What?" he asked.
"I'm bored."
"And what do you want me to do with that?" he asked but instead, I walked past him and got inside his room. I laid down on his bed. Why was his bed more comfortable? It's weird and unfair!
Vito ignored me and he went to the study area. He was still studying. I wanted to leave him and to just go to Sancho's room, but I was pretty sure that that one would be studying, too. I was almost tempted to call Lui... because he's that fun friend. I'd been dodging his invites and I felt like he kind of understood that I was distancing myself from him, so he stopped after a while.
And now I felt guilty.
I felt like a shitty friend.
"Are you so confident that you're not reviewing anymore?" Vito asked.
"No," I said. "But I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind if I review one more time."
I literally spent every waking hour reviewing for the past few months!
"Where's Shanelle?" I asked. We've been... close. Against my will. I mean, she's a cool person! And she taught me Tax! I felt like an utter asshole for 'hating' her because of my 'friendship' with Assia. And it's not like Assia told me to hate her. It was just my evil side that was telling me that it's wrong.
"Reviewing."
"Are you two dating or something?"
"Just please review."
I watched Vito. I wanted to ask him about Assia, but I stopped myself immediately. I couldn't even remember the last time that I saw her... Maybe it was during the graduation? I couldn't remember seeing her after that. And I once asked Vito about her but he got so mad at me. I was honestly shocked at how mad he got at me. I was just asking! I asked Sancho about that but it seemed like he wasn't aware, too. Since then, I haven't asked him about her...
There's something going on that he wasn't telling me.
And I was honestly fed up with feeling like everyone's hiding something from me. Made me feel excluded. But of course the world did not revolve around me.
So, fuck it.
I was gonna mind my own damn business.
While I was about to ask Vito about some random thing, my phone vibrated.
'Punta ako sa hotel mo.'
I stared at my phone for a while. I didn't know what to feel. To be completely fucking honest, I was just... drained at this point. For months, I told her by words and by actions that she could tell me anything and I would stay with her. That literally nothing she could've done could make me stay away from her.
I love her.
And I don't say those words lightly.
And it just... sucked. That she didn't trust me enough to tell me about what was bothering her. And I got tired of waiting around. And I got tired of reaching out.
'Don't bother,' I typed, but immediately erased the words.
I sat on Vito's bed. I saw him frowning because I was still wearing my hotel slippers. But I was just sitting on the comforter! This arte person, really. So, I put my feet down on the carpeted floor.
"Vito," I said.
"What?"
"Do you think that I'm gonna end up with Jersey?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because you keep on saying that you'll one day marry her," he replied. I smiled at the memories. I did say that. His forehead creased. "Come to think of it... I can't remember the last time you said that."
"Jersey wants to go here."
"Then get out of my room," he said.
"I don't think I want her to come."
Vito was silent.
I appreciated his silence.
I just... wanted to vent out.
"If she comes... I feel like we'll just break up."
Vito turned the back of his swivel chair on me. I knew he felt weird listening to me talk like this. I usually reserve 'talks' like this with Yago since he's the one who's like knowledgeable with relationships. But Vito's here, so he's gotta make do. And I needed his 'patience.' I saw him wait for Assia for years! To be honest, that was very hard. I couldn't imagine how frustrating it felt to have her so near yet not being able to do anything about it.
And Sancho, too, come to think of it.
God. I was surrounded by guys with no game.
"Niko," he said. He sounded so serious that it freaked me out for a second.
"What?" I asked, kinda nervous about what he's going to say.
"Just focus on the BAR," he said. "I know we tease you about school and grades, but we see your effort, okay?" he continued, now avoiding my gaze. My lips parted at what I was hearing.
Okay. Now, I was officially freaking out!
"This is... the culmination of our four years' worth of hard work. Let's focus on this for now."
I wanted to hug him.
But no fucking way.
"Okay," I simply said.
"Okay," he replied. "Now, please leave me alone."
This was such a nice moment, so I didn't want to ruin this for us. I stood up and headed back to my room. I kinda felt relieved... I felt relieved knowing that whatever may happen with Jersey, I knew I had my friends with me. I'd be okay.
But question was... would she be okay?
* * *
I absentmindedly watched the movie that was being shown on TV. And then I heard a knock on the door. I walked towards the door. I wasn't sure if it was Jersey because the two other times I opened the door, it was a delivery of the food the school provided for us and the other one was a delivery of some review materials.
But when I opened the door, I saw that face—the face that haunted both my dreams and my nightmares.
"Hi," she said while looking at me, smiling like everything was normal. "Matutulog ka na ba?"
"No, it's still early."
"May dala akong pagkain," she said and showed me a paperbag from Jollibee. "Para sa goodluck."
"You didn't have to," I told her because I had lots of uneaten and untouched food in my room. I was in no mood to eat. I didn't know if it was because of the BAR or her being here.
"Syempre dadalhan kita," she said, smiling at me. I felt obliged to smile back. She was here. She was trying.
"You wanna come in?"
"Nagrereview ka ba?"
"Kinda," I said, lying because what would I tell her? That I was wondering if tonight was the night that we'd break up?
"Pwede naman akong umalis—"
"No. Stay," I said, quickly cutting her off... because Vito was right. I needed to concentrate on our exam. I needed all my attention and focus on that. And I knew that I wouldn't be able to do that with the thoughts of Jersey hanging over my head every fucking time.
I needed to do this.
For her.
For me.
For us.
I just... needed to know if she still wanted me to fight for us. Because it gets tiring. It gets tiring to fight when I had no fucking idea if she wanted this, too. I just needed to know what she wanted so that I could adjust my fucking life accordingly.
"I... wanted to ask you to come, but I didn't want to impose."
"Pupunta naman talaga ako."
"I didn't know that," I told her. Pain quickly crossed her face. I knew I shouldn't have said that, but I had a lot of words I chose not to say because these past few months, I felt like I'd been walking on broken glass around her.
"Syempre naman pupunta ako," she said, looking at me. I just looked back at her. "Basta magfocus ka lang sa exam mo, ha?"
"That's all I've been doing."
"Magiging abogado ka rin."
I remained silent. I sat down. I didn't know how to begin this. I didn't want to break up... but what if she wanted to break up? What if she was just scared to tell me that? Should I ask? Should I do the hard part for her?
Because I always wanted her to have a choice.
And what if leaving me was her choice?
"Poli iyong unang exam niyo bukas, noh?" she asked after the silence that almost felt like forever.
"Yeah."
"Nareview mo naman nang maayos 'yun."
"Yeah."
"Sigurado ako papasa ka roon," she said, smiling but I didn't return the smile back. I was tired of this. I wanted to say that there's nothing she could do that would make me want to give up... but that would be a lie. We're in this together—we're supposed to be partners. How could I not give up on her when she's making me feel like she already gave up on us?
"Jersey," I said.
I took a deep breath.
And once again.
I just... really needed this from her.
"If... if you're going to break up with me—"
"Niko—"
"Can you do it now?" I asked. She looked at me, her lips parted like she was surprised that she was hearing these words from me. But why? Was she still happy? Because I certainly didn't feel that way. For months, I tortured myself be forcing myself to study just so I wouldn't think about this. That wasn't fun. That was probably one of the hardest things I've done in my life. "If you don't love me—" I said and then stopped.
Maybe this was it.
Maybe... maybe she realized that she didn't love me. Because I never once heard her say those words...
I paused to gather my courage. I wanted to stop myself from thinking about all the reasons as to why she couldn't just break up with me... Was it because she felt like she needed to stay? Because I help her with school? Was that it? But I didn't do that so that she'd stay. I would still do that regardless. Because she's smart and she deserves a good future.
Fuck.
What if she really wasn't in love with me?
I drew another deep breath. I hated how my chest was tightening at the thought of her not being in love with me the way I was willing to do anything for her. I didn't need her to love me that way... I just needed her to love me the way she sees fit.
I stared at her.
She looked so tired.
Was I tiring?
Was that it?
"If you don't love me... if you don't want to be with me... it's not like I can force you to stay, right? It'd be unfair of me to force you to stay..."
"Mahal—"
I shook my head because I didn't want to hear that from her. That would be nothing but pity from her part. She had all the time in the world to tell me that. I didn't need to hear that right now because it would feel nothing but disrespectful.
"Don't lie for my sake," I begged her. "I know I promised that I'll stay thru thick or thin... but you didn't promise that. You can leave. Don't stay on my behalf. It sucks to think that you're only staying because I told you I love you."
I averted my gaze.
I didn't want to watch her leave.
"You can just leave."
"Nikolai—"
"I really don't wanna force you to stay when you're this unhappy. It's unfair for you and for me. Just please leave. I'll probably call you once in a while when I'm drunk... but you can just reject my calls... I'll probably text you that I love you sometimes... You can just erase my texts..."
But she wasn't moving. And I still wasn't looking at her. Vito was wrong. I shouldn't have done this right now. Because now, all I would ever think was if I made the right decision to ask her to leave me... while fully knowing that I am in love with her... And frankly, I didn't know if I'll ever love anybody the way I love her.
And that's scary.
But her staying with me out of obligation scared me more. I didn't want a relationship like my parents. I didn't want her to stay because she felt like I gave her a lot. Because I gave her everything because I love her and not because I was expecting anything in return. I just wanted her to understand that.
"It'll take a while for me to be okay... but I'll be okay. Don't stay out of pity. I don't want that."
"Nikolai, hindi naman ako aalis..." she said. I still couldn't look at her, but I knew that she was crying based on the sound of her voice. I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to see how miserable I was making her feel.
"You're unhappy. If you're unhappy and miserable, you should leave," I told her. "Jersey, you've been unhappy all your life. I don't want you to be unhappy for another second. And if I'm making you unhappy, you should leave me, too. Don't worry about me—"
"Hindi nga ako aalis."
"Jersey—"
"Hindi ako aalis. May sasabihin lang ako sa 'yo... pero kasalanan ko rin siguro kasi hinintay ko pa na matapos iyong exam mo kasi ayoko na distracted ka habang nagrereview ka. Pero siguro mali iyong naisip ko. Mas lalo ka lang nahirapan. Mas lalo mo lang inisip iyong dahilan kung bakit nagkaka-ganito ako."
I looked at her. I could barely even see her from the tears that were in my eyes. I hated that we ended up like this... because I didn't even know where we went wrong.
One day, everything was perfect.
And the next day... this.
It felt like someone was playing a cruel joke on me.
"Just tell me. Please. Whatever it is, I can take it. I promise."
She shook her head. "Pagkatapos ng—"
"God! Do you seriously think I can focus on studying when half the time, I keep on wondering on what part did I seriously screw up that lead us both to this situation?"
I waited.
And waited.
But like in the other months, I got nothing.
"Hindi ako aalis. Hindi ako makikipaghiwalay. Wala kang ginawang kasalanan. 'Wag mong isipin 'yon."
"Then tell me."
"Pagkatapos—"
"What the fuck, Jersey!"
"Pagkatapos nga!"
"You're torturing me!"
She shook her head. "Pagkatapos ng exam."
She tried to walk away from me, but I quickly grabbed her arm. She paused. But she didn't look at me. I didn't want her to look at me... but I also wanted to look into her eyes so that I'd know if she was lying to me. Because I was tired of this shit. I was tired of not knowing what would happen to us. I couldn't wait for one more month.
"If it's not something I did, then it's something you did," I told her. "Whatever that is, if you feel so guilty about it that you've been ignoring me for months, you're forgiven, okay? I don't give a shit about what you did. I'm not a fucking saint, Jersey. I've done a lot of questionable shits. I'm not one to judge. Just... trust me. I won't judge. God, I love you," I continued. I wished she was listening to me. I wished she was hearing these words. "Jersey, I love you... I meant it when I said it... Whatever it is that you did, I'll still love you despite and in spite... You just have to put a little faith in me..."
I looked at her.
And hoped.
And wished.
And prayed for a little faith from her.
"Niko—" she said... and that made me lose my grip on her arm. I didn't want to hear another excuse.
"Lock the door when you leave," I said and this time, it was my turn to turn my back on her.
* * *
Today was the last Sunday of the BAR. I was tired. I was really tired. I sincerely wished that everyone passed because I couldn't imagine going through the same process all over again.
"Inom mamaya?" Sancho asked.
"I wish," I said. "Wanna join me? Parents threw a party."
"Pass," the two idiots quickly said. I rolled my eyes and looked at Yago. "You?"
"No."
I frowned. "You?" I asked because Yago was with Cha, Iñigo, and Jax. They're cool people but... not my people. I felt like we had different interests. But I'd hang with them once a while, no problem. "You wanna go?" I asked them. "Really? No takers?"
We talked for a bit before we went inside the school for the last leg of the examination. I drew a deep breath before I started answering the exam. To be honest, this was not my favorite subject, but it was not like I had a choice but to answer this. Thankfully, the very last exam was relatively easier. But I took my time and re-read everything before I passed the booklet because I really, really did not want to repeat this.
When I finally passed my booklet, I grabbed my bag and headed outside. My ears were welcomed with the loud noise coming from outside the gates of the school. I almost forgot that there was this huge 'salubong' for the examinees during the last Sunday of the BAR.
I walked towards the gate. I didn't bother to look for my friends because I felt like they already went outside. We'd probably celebrate this weekend. Because I already had plans to sleep for the whole fucking week. God, I was tired!
When I got outside, I just said thanks to all the people who greeted me. One of the things I love about law school was how supportive the people are. I felt how happy they were for me. I was the same, too. For some reason, I was always proud of the people who graduate from law school and to those who passed the BAR and those who failed, too, because it takes courage to try again. But at the end of the day, it didn't matter how many tries it took to get the title—what was important was that you get the title.
I looked around because maybe they were still there... but my eyes spotted that face. It almost felt like my eyes were trained to look for her in the crowd of people around us.
"Congrats," she said as she handed me a bouquet of flowers.
"Thanks," I said as I accepted the flowers.
"Pwede na ba tayong mag-usap?" she asked and my phone vibrated my mom was already asking me where I was. She knew the exam already ended.
I looked at Jersey. I was torn between wanting to talk to her to finally hear this reason of hers... but I also needed to attend the party my parents prepared for me. My mom was the one who kept on reminding me to just focus on the exam. She said that if Jersey's really the one for me, things would work out between us.
"I need to be somewhere," I told her.
She smiled, but I knew that she got hurt by the response she got from me. "Ah... okay. Text mo na lang ako kapag free ka."
"You can come with me," I said, remembering my mom telling me to bring her with me. She said that even though we were having problems right now, she was sure that at the end of the day, I'd still want her beside me.
And I hated how she was right.
Fourth year was fucking hard.
Somehow, Jersey eased the load.
She's a part of this success, too.
"Sigurado ka?"
I nodded. "We can talk after," I said and then began to walk. She was quietly walking behind me. I was holding the flowers she gave me. No one was speaking. But the silence was drowned by the noise around us. I just kept on thanking the people who congratulated me.
"Iba na sasakyan mo?" she asked when we stopped in front of my SUV. I changed cars. I just couldn't focus because my mind automatically thought of her whenever I'd see the Jeep. It's unfair how I would not be able to enjoy my favorite car because she already made it hers. Every time I'd look at the rearview mirror, I'd see the back of the car. And then I'd remember the things we used to do there. Fucking unfair.
"Yes."
"Bakit iba na?" she asked like she didn't know the reason why.
"The other one reminds me of you."
She was silent after that. I just quietly drove until I stopped in front of a hotel. I got out of the car. Jersey took a few seconds before she got out. I headed towards the door and let the valet attendant park my car.
Jersey was quietly walking behind me. When we got inside the function room, we were welcomed with people collectively saying 'Congratulations, Nikolai.' I smiled because this felt nice. I saw some of my cousins, but I saw more of my family's friends. I thanked them for making time to attend this party. And in the middle of doing that, I turned around to look for Jersey. She was looking at me like she wanted to leave.
I looked at her.
She said we'd talk after the exam.
If she leaves again... I didn't know if I still had it in me to wait for fucking nothing.
"Finally!" Mom said when she saw me. She hugged me tight. I hugged her back. I really didn't mind that some people from elem and hs called me Mama's boy because so fucking what? You're just jealous because your mom sucked. "All your efforts paid off," she said, tapping my back.
"Thank you," I replied.
"Congrats, son," Dad said.
"Thanks," I simply replied to him. I didn't know what to say. At this point in my life, I felt like... this was as good as it's gonna get for the both of us. I would treat him with respect because he's still my dad, but nothing more than that. He's such a coward for staying when it's painfully obvious that he wanted to leave.
"Jersey," Mom said when she spotted Jersey who was standing there like she was frozen on her spot. "I kept on telling Nikolai to bring you home."
"I told you, she's busy studying," I said because I really did not want to tell her about our problem. It's between me and her. Even with my friends, I never told them the details about our problem—I was very general about it all.
"I'm sure she's fine. Niko told me that you're very smart," Mom said.
"We have to leave," I said when I saw that Jersey was becoming very visibly uncomfortable. I also needed to talk to her so that we could finally decide what we'd do moving forward. If she'd just be honest with me, she'd realize that there's literally nothing she could do that would make me want to leave... But how would she know that when she wouldn't even extend a little faith my way?
"But it's your party!" Mom said.
"Yeah... no. I don't even know anyone here," I said because the only reason that I went here was because Mom kept on telling me to go here and to bring Jersey with me. "But thanks for—"
But it suddenly got dark. And then I was seeing my graduation picture being flashed on the white wall. I looked so happy. Was that the last time that I was genuinely happy? I honestly lost track.
'Congrats on the BAR, Nikolai!' flashed on the screen. People applauded and then I thanked them. I knew they meant well, but I really wanted to leave.
I was about to leave when a new picture was flashed. My forehead creased with confusion when I saw Jersey's face. I didn't understand what was happening because as far as I was concerned, it was just a picture of her while she was wearing something shiny. But then I looked at Jersey's face and I saw fear on it. And when I looked at the wall again, another batch of photo was being shown. One of those was from the party that I attended where I saw her.
"What the fuck!" I shouted when I realized what was happening. I looked around, but I didn't know who was controlling this slide show of picture. "Stop that fucking shit! Seriously! Who the fuck is doing this?! I'll fucking kill—"
But then I saw my Dad... with Jersey.
'Looks like father and son have the same taste,' appeared together with their stolen picture. It was in a club. My dad. And Jersey. What... the fuck was happening?
I couldn't move.
I couldn't think.
Was this... was this the reason why she'd been avoiding me for months? Was this—fuck. I felt my chest tightening at the realization that all this started when I brought Jersey with me to my graduation party. When I introduced her to my parents. Was this the reason why? Was it because she realized that she was dating the son of her—
God, I couldn't even think about it!
Jersey? And my dad?!
I felt like my head was about to explode. I wanted to leave. I wanted to just disappear. And I wanted to pull Jersey with me because I needed her to explain to me what was happening! I needed her to tell me that I was wrong—
But what if I was right?
Could I live with it?
Knowing that the woman I love... was with my dad? That she was part of the reason why my mother had been miserable for years? Could I stay through all that?
I looked at Jersey. Tears were forming in her eyes. I... didn't know what to do. I just... I just wanted to leave. I didn't want to say anything in front of all these people who meant nothing to me.
And those fucking pictures!
"I see," my Mom said. I looked at her and there was no expression on her face. She's been through this before. She's known that my dad kept mistresses on the side. But to know that the woman your son was dating was one of your husband's woman? It would kill her. "I'm sorry for that... interruption. Let's continue the celebration for my son's exam, shall we?"
My mom went outside. I looked at Jersey. She wasn't saying anything. I couldn't blame her. This... this was exactly how I reacted before when I learned about what she was doing for a living. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. I promised her that.
I went outside, too. I needed to leave. This was a fucking shitty night!
"Did you know?" mom said when I almost walked past her. She was looking at me like she wanted me to tell her that I didn't know it... That like her, I was a victim.
I looked at Jersey. There were tears on her eyes. She was scared. She had no one here. I am her person. As much as it was hurting me to know that she's been with my Dad...
God, why do I love her so much?
This was hurting me... and yet, I still love her.
"Yeah," I said, lying right at her face. I drew a deep breath. "But it doesn't matter. It's all in the past. Besides, it's not the first time Dad did this. Let's just let this slide," I told her and reached for Jersey's hand and dragged her away with me.
But as soon as we were away from all the fucking prying eyes, I let go of her hand.
"Nikolai—"
I looked her in the eye. I just needed to know. "Did you fuck my dad?" I asked.
"Hindi. Walang nangyari. Pangako," she said, shaking her head.
She said no...
But why couldn't I believe her?
I wanted to... but why couldn't I?
"Jersey... my Dad?" I said... because I couldn't wrap my head around it. Her... and my dad... together. Did they fuck? Did she fuck him? Was it good? I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of them together!
"Hindi ko naman alam..."
"When did you know?" I asked, but she didn't say anything. I was right. She knew for months and said nothing! I drew a deep breath, but she was driving me insane! "My graduation party. Fuck. You've known for months!"
What was she thinking?! That not saying anything for months would change anything?! That I would magically be okay with everything?!
I turned my back on her because I was so mad that I didn't even want to look at her! Even looking at her was hurting me! I wanted to believe her! I wanted to!
But I couldn't.
I... I wasn't that big of a person.
How... could I live with this?
I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to kick someone. I just wanted to be mad for a minute because she lied to me for months! Did my Dad also know about this? Did he ask her to lie? Did she ask him to not tell anything?
"Nikolai, wala namang nangyari—"
"Then why wait this long?!" I shouted at her. I saw her flinch. I took a step back. I didn't want her to be scared of me. I was mad but I would never physically hurt her.
"Kasi nga iyong exam—"
"Fuck that exam!"
"Nikolai, sorry—"
I shook my head. Her words... how could I believe them anymore? I could I believe her anymore?
"Are you really, tho? Or are you just sorry you got caught?"
Her lips parted.
"Will you really tell me, huh, Jersey? Or will you have kept this secret?" I asked because if not for those pictures, would she have told me? Or would she have given me another reason? Would she have stayed with me knowing the history between her and my dad? Would she have made a fool out of me and my mom?
I hated how I couldn't trust anything she says anymore.
Why didn't she tell me right away?
"Sasabihin ko naman talaga sa 'yo."
"You had months!"
"May exam—"
"Stop using my exam—"
"Paanong hindi?! Ilang beses mong sinabi sa 'kin dati na hindi ka matalino. Na paano kapag pumasa sila tapos bumagsak ka? Na hindi mo alam kung paanong review ang gagawin mo para pumasa ng one-take kasi sigurado ka na isang take lang sila?! E 'di sana 'di mo na sinabi lahat sa 'kin 'yun para sinabi ko na agad sa 'yo! E 'di sana wala na akong pakielam kahit bumagsak ka sa exam mo!"
My lips parted.
Oh, wow... so now, it's my fault.
"Sasabihin ko naman talaga sa 'yo... Sasabihin ko ngayon."
"Really..."
"Nikolai naman..."
"My dad..." I looked at her. Her... and my dad... "Jersey... my dad?"
"Di ko naman alam na tatay mo siya... 'Di ko alam na makikilala kita—"
"So, if you hadn't met me, it would have made everything okay?" I asked her. "How many of those men had a family?"
Her lips parted. "Tangina ka."
My jaw clenched. "Yeah? You fucking lied to my face."
"Para rin sa 'yo."
"Continue telling that to yourself."
"Tangina mo talaga, Nikolai."
I began to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I used to think that nothing could break us up... Apparently, I was wrong. And I was mad that I was wrong. So, I turned my back on her and continued to just fucking kick the wheel of my car out of frustration with everything that was happening.
"Walang nangyari sa amin ng tatay mo..." she kept on saying but all I was hearing were lies. "Sabi mo... magtiwala lang ako sa 'yo... sabi mo, iintindihin mo ako... sabi mo, mapapa-tawad mo ako..."
I looked at her. She was crying. Why? This was her fault. I asked her. I gave her the chance. And now... it's my fault that I couldn't just magically understand her?
"Can't you see how hard I'm trying?" I told her before I walked away.
**
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