My brain turned on before my body did this morning. I was flying through every aspect of last night and none of it seemed real or made any sense. How did I go from cursing Jack to confessing my love for him in a matter of hours? It really is a fine line between love and hate.
I found the bed empty when I woke up and was unsure when Jack would be back. I scanned his room and wondered if he really was this neat or if he still had a housekeeper? I just dumped my clothes on his floor last night while he dropped his in the hamper system he has divided by color.
I texted Stella that I had tea that I was desperate to spill but didn't want to talk to her where Jack could overhear. Her flight was delayed from Seattle, so she wouldn't be back until tonight. I told her I would find an excuse to leave the house so I could fill her in on everything but in the meantime, I was trying to figure out what to do next on my own.
I didn't know how I was going to approach Jack. I had no idea if he woke up thinking we were together or by him saying he wanted to take things slow, that included wading into whatever this was. I was grateful that we didn't sleep together, I would have really been on overload this morning because I hadn't fully decided on what I wanted. Did I want to walk into Mag's holding his hand and introduce him as my boyfriend? Yes. Did I want to post a picture of him kissing me on every social media platform that I was signed up on? Yes. Was I ready to move on from one cheating bastard to another potentially cheating bastard? I didn't know. What was I doing and what did I want? I always just thought I wanted Jack to see me how I saw him. I never really thought about what dating Jack Dalton would be like. There was a lot that I was now hesitant about.
First, there was his sexual history. I know of fifteen girls alone that he's hooked up with and I've never really wanted to know his "number". But would it be rude of me to ask for an STD test? Or confirmation that he's not currently sexually active with anyone?
Then there's his flirtatious attitude. His charm works on any female from the bar to the old lady at the farmer's market. Being cute and outgoing is just ingrained in him. It could never bother me before because I had no claims on him, but now that I do, would he cut back on all of his smirks and sexy quips to every woman he encounters? He's never had a girlfriend, so I don't know if he understands everything that comes with it. I'm going to want quiet nights with just us, days on the lake without his posse, and trust that he's not texting his Rolodex of women. I love Jack, I love who he is as a person, the only thing I'd change is his magnetism. I want to believe that I'm the only woman he's interested in and I don't know if I can do that yet.
This brings me to my biggest hang-up. My baggage. I was just engaged and living with a man in New York less than a month ago. I lept into that relationship, despite my gut telling me I was only doing it because my parents finally approved of something I was doing. Was it really a good idea for me to dive headfirst into another relationship when red flags could be all around me? I knew I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks, but my parents will assume the worst if I am in another relationship three weeks after my last one ended. I didn't need to give them any more proof that I was the fuck up. That I ruined my chances of a happy life in New York. They'll assume I blew my life up for Jack and I wasn't going to let Blake be the victim in this.
My mother's spidey senses must have been tingling because my overthinking is interrupted by my buzzing phone. I lift it off the nightstand and I see it's a text from my mom.
Mom: Lauren just informed us that she'll be here from Weds to Saturday next week. Would love a family dinner if you're not too busy.
I roll my eyes. If I am not too busy. I know that was a dig because she tried calling me three times last night while I was working and told her I would ring her when I wasn't busy. I sigh and type back: I can probably make dinner work. What night?
Mom: Lauren has plans on Wednesday and Saturday that she can't switch around, so Thursday or Friday would be best for her.
Thank you so much for consulting Lauren on her schedule and letting me know what is best for her. Like always. My thumbs jab at my screen: Let me check my work schedule. I might be able to make one of those nights work. At the house?
Mom: Yes, Lauren wanted Bodecelli's for dinner so I am having it catered in.
I groan. I hate Italian food. I especially hate eating it around my mother because she notes the amount of bread I inhale and frowns if I get anything draped in cheese. But what Lauren wants, Lauren gets. There is no reason to argue.
Great, I'll check my work schedule and get back to you.
I hear the front door shut and know Jack is back. I have to shove my mother from my mind and focus on one panic attack at a time. I think back to my Jack dilemma and wonder if I am ready for all the chaos dating Jack could ensue.
*********
"Yeah, I think we should keep this a secret," I tell him as I press my head into his comforting palm. He blinks away his shock and then asks, "What? Why?"
"Just until I can talk to my parents about New York and all that. I don't need them finding out I jumped into anything weeks after I ended my engagement before I speak with them face to face," I confess but I watch as Jack takes a step away from me. I don't add that I also don't want to broadcast anything until I talk to Stella. She'll shoot me straight and tell me how to navigate not fucking this up.
"Are you sure you want me there then? Will I only make things worse?"
"They'll be nice to me if you're there and limit their questions. They won't want to linger on Blake and my failed attempt at marital bliss."
"Uh, yeah I guess I probably should have asked you about that before assuming anything," he says and he drops his hands into zip-up pockets. He's looking so damn sexy in his running shorts and zip-up. I know he runs with his shirt off so he must have put his sweater on when he ran his errands. Which included getting me a matcha latte. I definitely swooned when he showed me that he remembered my order. It really is the little things that made me fall head over heels for this sexpot.
"I think we have a lot of things we need to ask before assuming anything of each other," I tell him and he nods.
"Want to go get food then? Ask all of our questions over bloody Mary's"
"Yes, I have now decided that I need alcohol and bacon."
"Do I need to take you anywhere to get some stuff?" He asks me and I can't believe I haven't been dwelling on the fact that half of my life is gone. I've once again been so consumed with Jack that I forgot that I can't do half of my spring break assignments without a computer and I can't upload any baking videos without equipment. I pull my phone out to check my Venmo balance and see that Steve did send me more than I had initially paid. It's barely going to cover the cost of a new laptop and I groan. I might have to ask my parents for money. I'd rather walk over hot coals and through a mile of spider webs before I ask my parents for anything, but there is no way I can afford to cover half of what I need.
"Lucy, I am here for you. Utilize me please before combusting," Jack says and he must have seen the stress that just covered me. I drop my head back and cover my eyes with my hands. I let out a dramatic moan before saying, "Yeah, I'm definitely going to need a few things but I might have to wait to talk to my parents before I can go get a computer or a camera."
"You're not seeing them until the end of the week, are you going to need anything before then?" He asks and I am annoyed that I'll have to wait another week to bake and I am going to have to scramble to complete my assignments.
"Can I just borrow your computer for school? I can record videos on my phone, I just need baking supplies. Can you take me to, I dunno, Target?"
He nods, "I can take you wherever. Just tell me what you need." I stare at him. I need a lot of things from him, trust and reassurance being the biggest. But he came last night, no questions asked. He offered to let me stay here rent-free, he accepted my dinner invitation and he's offering to take me to Target. He hates Target. Maybe he is ready for a serious relationship after all. Maybe he does understand what it means to be a boyfriend.
"I need basic life essentials," I tell him and he smiles.
"Let's go get cleaned up then," he says as he tugs on my hand to lead me to his bedroom. If I wasn't hesitant about sleeping with him, I would have made a shower joke or offered to spend the few hours we have before work getting to know each other under the sheets. But I run my eyes over him as he walks in front of me and I know I need to keep my guard up. If there is one person who has the power to completely shatter my heart, it's Jack and I don't think I should let him possess that power so easily.