•Chapter Warnings: Death & bad language words•
"How exactly is this going to work?" I ask Strange, continuing to bounce my leg and pick at my nails horridly. I've started to develop it as a nasty nervous habit. My eyes train on him as he flips through the pages in what appears to be a very old book. He looks rather engrossed in his activity, more so than responding to my question. After he called, he appeared out of nowhere, walking through another portal into the foyer of the compound.
"Yeah, we haven't exactly covered that yet," Sam says, folding his arms around his chest and glaring at Strange.
He clears his throat and spares both of us a small glance before returning to reading. "I'll be erasing the damage that's been done, in theory."
My brows furrow at his more than cryptic response. "And how will you be doing that?" I ask, trying to get a deeper understanding of what he's about to do.
"Reversing mind-control isn't an exact science," he retorts while he snaps the book shut. "If this goes how I plan it will, you should be back to your old self." He tucks the book under his arm and gives me a sarcastic smile.
"And if it doesn't?" I hear Sam chime in.
Strange tilts his head to the side and shrugs. "That can be discussed-"
"What happens if it doesn't work?" Sam exclaims in a stern tone, interrupting him.
He sighs and glares at Sam for a moment. "The effects may be made...permanent, in a way."
I feel my eyes widen as Sam steps around me, putting himself in the middle of Strange and I. "No, no way are we risking that."
"I think this is your only option here," Strange quips with another know-it-all smile.
"What're the chances?" I ask, peering around Sam to look at Strange. "What're the chances that it won't work?" I repeat.
Sam whips around to look at me, his eyes narrowed. He gestures to Strange behind him before looking back at me. "Nadya, you can't be serious-"
"If the benefits outweigh the risk then we should do it," I say, nodding to myself. "We have to do something."
"We can figure something else out," he says.
I chew on my lip. I know this is the only way out, short of being sent away or put in the Raft. "What're the chances, Strange?" I ask, again.
"About fifty-fifty." I hear him say and that small glimmer of hope inside me dies at his response.
I shake my head to myself and take a moment, closing my eyes and trying to remember why I need to do this in the first place. "Do it."
"No! Nadya, it's not worth it." Sam exclaims and I open my eyes to look at him.
I sigh and push my hair behind my ears. "Trust me," I plead, knowing he'll tell Bucky and that's when this will all come crumbling down. "Whatever happens, I'm glad we did everything we could." I smile at him dearly, trying to commit it to memory.
"You better come back," he demands, "fight like hell." He grabs my shoulders softly and pulls me into a hug. He wraps his arms around my shoulders as mine wrap around his back.
I nod against his chest. "I will," I whisper and he lets go. He squeezes my shoulder before walking to the door, not looking back as he leaves the room. I feel a tear run down my cheek as the door clicks shut. Leaving Strange and I in complete silence.
"Are you sure you want me to do this?" I hear him ask.
I nod furiously and wipe the tear from my cheek. "I'm sure."
He swipes his hands in front of him and I gasp as the impenetrable golden energy nets around me instantly. I glare at him through it and he lowers his hands. "Just to be safe." He shrugs as he walks around the chair I'm sitting in. "Lie back," he says quietly and I obey. I lay down onto the soft leather and push a long breath out through pursed lips.
"Is this going to hurt?" I ask, not knowing if I really want the answer to that.
His eyes are closed as he begins his spell, maneuvering his hands around me and back. "Maybe," he mumbles, "stop talking."
I purse my lips to prevent the insults threatening to spill out and close my eyes, preparing myself for whatever is going to happen. I tap my fingers on the chair beneath me as I wait, but so far I haven't felt anything. "I don't think this is working," I mumble and crack my eyes open but they open all the way when I see Strange isn't above me anymore. I sit up and look around the empty room, confused and angry.
"Strange?" I call out but hear nothing but the echo of my own voice. I groan as I step off of the chair and head for the door.
"Sam?" I peek my head through the door, finding the hallway empty as well. I step into the hallway and scan my surroundings. I slap my hands to my thighs, the sound echoes off the walls. "Very funny, you guys." I roll my eyes and make my way toward the kitchen. My footsteps are almost silent as I walk across the compound and it almost feels wrong. Like I'm not supposed to be here.
I push open the door to the kitchen and let my breath out when I see Sam and Bucky leaning over the counter. "What the hell? Where's Strange?" I ask as I round the counter to see what they're both looking at. My eyes fall upon the file SHIELD had on me with different maps splayed across the counter.
"What're you guys doing?" I ask, feeling like my eyes are glued to the pictures of Austin and the cafe.
"How do you know it was him?" Sam asks while rubbing his forehead.
"It had to have been," Bucky grits out, not looking up from the pictures either. My brows furrow as I eye him, seeing his overgrown facial hair, the dark circles under his eyes, and the hollowness of his cheeks. "Maybe HYDRA isn't dead after all," he adds.
"Okay, if we know the who, we can figure out the why," Sam explains as he picks a photo up, comparing it with another one. "Why would they take Nadya?"
Bucky shrugs, glaring at the countertop. "Does it matter?" he growls as he stands from his chair and stalks over to the coffee maker.
"If you want to find her then this is how we have to do it, Buck," Sam says, lifting his eyes to watch Bucky pour coffee.
He scoffs as he sets his mug down forcefully, shattering the glass and making me wince. "We've been doing this your way for weeks." He points accusingly at Sam, making my heart drop that this is what it was like when I was gone. "And we still haven't found her."
"What do you suggest we do, then?" Sam snaps back, tossing the photos back onto the counter and folding his arms over his chest. "We have no leads! Her phone was dropped with the earpiece, we have no way to track her. I'm open to new ideas!"
"Forget it," Bucky quips as he stomps over to the door, just missing my shoulder. "I'll do it myself."
"No," I mumble, "Bucky, wait!" I exclaim as I jog through the open door but stop dead in my tracks when I see my surroundings are not the way I left them. I shake my head furiously when I see the stone walls, feel the cold air, and see myself in the glass. My hair is wet, my skin is pale, and there's no disk in my neck.
My lip begins to shake seeing that I'm in the black suit they made me wear. Static feedback whines through the room from a speaker in the far left corner making me cover my ears with my clothed hands.
"Miss Ivanov." The putrid voice leaks through the speakers and into my ears. "I hope you're more willing to follow instructions this afternoon."
My brows furrow at his words, not remembering any of this. I whip my head to the side when I hear the door open and my eyes widen seeing a man thrown onto the ground before the door slams shut behind him.
"You know what to do." I wince at the volume of his words echoing in the room and dart towards the man on the ground.
"Are you alright?" I turn him over and find his eyes are closed. I press my fingers to his neck, trying to find a pulse, and gasp when a tight grip forms around my wrist.
The man sits up, pulling my wrist away from his neck and digging in the pockets of his jeans with his other hand. My eyes follow his hand as he pulls a small pocket knife from his jeans and waves it around in front of my face. I grunt as I force my hand out of his grip and put distance between the two of us.
"Aren't you supposed to be powerful?" He questions through a heavy accent.
"I don't know what they told you to do, but please don't do this." I shake my head, incredibly confused at the events unfolding around me. He lunges at me and I push my hand out, stopping him from moving any further. "Please, drop the knife," I plead but his grip only seems to get tighter. Adrenaline floods through my body, making my arms feel as if they're on fire as I walk toward him. I no longer feel in control of my own body. His eyes widen with fear as the knife clatters to the ground. I grin at him as he begins to shake his head.
"Please, don't-" I tilt my head to the side, watching as he does the same but a small crunch emits from his body. My hands fall to my sides, letting his body fall to the ground with a thud.
"Thank you, Miss Ivanov." The voice drips through the speaker again and I stare into the glass, knowing he's on the other side of it. "Rather impressive work."
I whimper in pain as a ringing begins to emit through the room. Causing my ears to sting. I clasp my hands around my head as it grows louder and I feel as if my brain will explode. "Stop!" I exclaim, "please stop!" I fall to my knees, my arms steadying my fall on the hard ground.
"Надя?" I whip my head to the side, deep stuttering breaths shake my chest when I hear my name. Tears gather and sting my eyes when I see the paneled walls, and the soft fairy lights.
• "Nadya?" •
"Мама?" I call out, my lower lip trembling. I know how this ends, I know what happens. Yet somehow I can't stop myself from letting her in. The door clicks and opens and I freeze. "It wasn't my fault," I mumble as soon as she shuts the door behind her.
She tilts her head at me, her brows coming together as she walks to sit on my bed. Strangely, I don't feel like darting toward her to embrace her. I feel frozen in fear, like a deer in headlights. "В чем не твоя вина, Надя?" She asks softly. I feel a tear roll down my cheek at her words.
• "What wasn't your fault, Nadya?" •
"He's not a bad person, mama," I choke out, stuttering through a gasp. I wipe my face with my hands, trying to speak through heaving breaths. "I just wish you were here to see it."
She's quiet for a moment and I know what she's going to say, what she's going to ask. "Тогда почему ты позволил ему убить меня?" She asks slowly.
• "Then why did you let him kill me?" •
"It wasn't my fault," I force out the words again. "I know you're not real but I-" I stop to take a breath and shake my head. "I know they're using my memories of you to hurt me but I miss my family so much." My chest shakes making me grasp onto it to try to continue speaking. "I was sixteen, mama. Я не знал, что делать."
• "...I didn't know what to do." •
I flinch as the door slams open, bouncing off of the wall with a loud thud. My eyes immediately go to the door but I regret it. A burning sensation comes to my eyes and my palms feel like electric currents are flowing into them.
There he stands, The Winter Soldier. All in his former glory. The slitted mask, the long hair, the emotionless face, and the red star on his arm. My first instinct led me to stand in front of my mother. But all of my emotions tying me to anything in this room are gone.
He takes a step and I slam my hands down onto the carpet, making him fall onto his back. A slight smile forms on my lips.
None of this is real.
The thought churns in my head like gum in gears. I frantically look behind me and find my mother is gone, the room is empty. I'm alone. Completely and utterly alone.
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"How do you know if it worked?"
"We just have to wait and see."
"Are you kidding me right now? Wait and see?"
"Yes."
I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, feeling beads of sweat drip down my forehead. I don't know if it worked, I don't know if I want to know if it worked.
"You know, you really remind me of someone." The voices in the room are muffled as though I'm underwater listening.
"Yeah? Who?"
"Another sarcastic ass hole but he was a billionaire."
I can't hide the smile that begins creeping up my face at the comment. My eyes crack open and I fight the urge to squeeze them shut again at the amount of light in the room. I shiver against the chair as the sweat cools on my forehead. I wipe at my forehead, trying to clear my head and clean myself up.
"You know what, Strange? Sometimes I just want to take that cape and-Oh shit, Nadya!" Sam's voice comes at full volume into my ears as he comes into my view. He smiles widely at me, almost looking relieved. "Hey, how're you feeling?" He asks and I furrow my brows at him.
I clear my throat and suppress a smirk. "Who are you?" I ask, forcing my voice to come out weak and meager.
Sam's smile drops immediately and turns into a glare as he looks up and past me to, I'm assuming, Strange. "You better fix this you-"
"Sam, stop I'm joking!" I chuckle, watching the vein in his forehead begin to pulse. He looks back down at me with wide eyes and a red face. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it."
"It worked," he breathes, the smile returning to his face.
"I think so," I respond, trying to sit up. "I think we're safe to take this down now." I look to Strange and see him eyeing me warily. I raise my eyebrows at him and gesture to the gold net cast around me. He raises his hands and the energy disappears immediately. "Where's-"
"We need to make sure you're okay first," Sam interrupts me. I open my mouth to protest but he holds his hand up to silence me. He chuckles before bringing a small tablet into my view, he taps it a few times and I feel the pressure of the disk etched into my skin disperse.
I flinch as it clatters onto the ground and my brain fills up to the brim with thoughts from both Sam and Strange. I grasp the sides of my head, trying to remember how to block the thoughts out when it's been so long since I've had to do it. "Hey, are you good?" Sam's hand drops onto my shoulder.
I hold my hand up, silently gesturing for him to give me a second. "Your guys' thoughts are really loud." Sam's eyes widen and I realize I was yelling. "Sorry, just stop thinking for a second, please." I try plugging my ears, stupidly thinking that would help.
The room falls silent and I actually find myself hating the fact that I can read minds. "Better?" Sam asks and I nod at him. "Any homicidal tendencies hiding in there?"
I shake my head.
"Are you lying to me?"
I shake my head again.
He smirks. "Prove it."
I roll my eyes and see Strange still staring at me in the corner of my eye. "I am not feeling any homicidal tendencies to either of you or Bucky." I smile at the realization that the spell did actually work and I won't have to worry about becoming whatever I was again. "It actually worked," I mutter to myself through my smile. "Thank you," I say to Strange and he just nods his head once. I sigh and turn back to look at Sam, smiling at him as he pulls me into another hug.
"I'm glad you're back," he mumbles, tightening his arms around my shoulders.
I smile to myself, seeing a slight glimmer of the gold flakes splintering through the far wall. My brows pinch together as I watch Strange walk through the hole, nodding briefly at me before disappearing. "It's good to be back." I tighten my arms around his back in response, feeling in control of my own body for the first time in weeks.
✪ ✪ ✪ ✪
I wipe the condensation away from the mirror, tightening the towel around my chest as well. I ponder the day as I begin to brush my teeth. After the spell was completed, I looked for Bucky everywhere and he was nowhere to be found. I didn't want to just text him the good news so I figured I'd wait.
That was three hours ago.
I drag the brush through my wet hair, still thinking about the events that have unfolded today. I can't help the question that keeps encroaching in the back of my mind; did I actually kill someone? I shake my head to myself, trying to clear the thoughts out instead of dwelling on them when my head is already chock full of thoughts that don't belong to me.
I can still remember the hallucinations, the scenarios I was put through, barely. I can only remember small details, not the emotion, none of the rage or the murderous thoughts. It's a relief, a weight lifted off of my shoulders knowing that that part of me is gone.
Mostly.
I clean up my mess in the bathroom and pad into the bedroom, walking straight to the bed where I set my clean clothes down onto before I took a shower. I purse my lips to hide my smile, feeling a presence in the room with me. I turn around to face the door and see Bucky leaning against it with his arms crossed over his chest. His lips are slightly turned up at the corners as his eyes drift down and back up. "You're back?" I ask, biting through a grin.
He shrugs, rolling his eyes in a joking manner. "I had a few errands to run," he responds and shoves his hands in his pockets. I nod and look back to my clothes but smirk when I hear him sigh. "How did it go?" I hear him clear his throat and I feel my cheeks heat up as I try to hold back a laugh.
"How did what go?" I ask, pulling my hair to the other side of my neck as I face him once more.
He glares at me. "You're really going to make me ask?"
I take a deep breath, forcing the thick air into my lungs in order to think coherently in his presence. My chest heats up at the fact that there are no lingering feelings of anger leftover for him, there's nothing but the tension sitting heavy between us. "It went well." I nod a few times and suppress a smile.
He gestures to his neck. "I can see that," he says and narrows his eyes. "So, you don't wanna kill me anymore?" He smirks and I feel the heat start to rise in my neck.
"No more than usual," I bite back and he smiles widely, showing his perfect teeth. I adjust the towel on my body, ensuring it won't slip down as we talk, and I catch his eyes glancing down to my hands tightening it. I turn away from him and grab the underwear I set out before I showered.
I slide them on under my towel with my back to Bucky, feeling his eyes on my every movement. My breathing catches in my throat when I hear his soft footsteps thud across the floor until I feel him behind me. A cold hand ghosts down my arm, making my entire body break out in goosebumps.
Cold fingers face through mine as a warm kiss is placed on my shoulder, making me gasp. He moves up to my neck, holding my hand in his across my stomach. "Still don't want to kill me?" He murmurs before pressing another open-mouthed kiss to my neck and I sigh. I shake my head a few times, unable to form any words. I feel him smirk against my neck as my free hand snakes through his hair. "Good."
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