"Kunikida-San, how did the Armed Detective Agency start anyway?" A ginger asked.
Sitting at a café, Tanizaki Junichiro curiously tilted his head.
The tall man sitting on the other side of the table furrowed his already wrinkled brows, then replied with the utmost seriousness, "You don't even know that?"
"No, I don't... Sorry," Tanizaki mumbled sheepishly.
It was night. Two men and a lady sat facing each other at a narrow-seated table at the back of a café. Resting on the table between them were sesame dango and houjicha—roasted green tea—for three. Both men were stern-faced, a contrast to your rather relaxed expression. A stranger would instinctively do a double take at the curious scene, but these two were agents at the Armed Detective Agency in the middle of a late-night meeting with you. This vaguely old-fashioned teahouse was Café Uzumaki, located on the first floor of the same building the Armed Detective Agency worked out of.
"I work here, and I still don't even know how it got started. Do you, Kunikida-kun?" You asked.
"Of course I do," Kunikida Doppo nodded, seated across from you and Tanizaki.
"I knew you would," Tanizaki said with a smile.
"Only a faint idea, though," Kunikida clarified.
"A faint idea?" You asked, confused.
"Yeah, I heard it all secondhand, though," Kunikida explained. "The agency was established roughly a decade ago, by the president. Word is, something happened around then, and then the agency was born."
Tanizaki nodded. "I see. You, uh... You really do only have a faint idea, huh?"
"Well, I wasn't lying, was I? I don't know any more details than that. I never got another chance to ask about it," Kunikida sighed.
"Why don't you ask the president yourself?" You suggested.
Tanizaki grew slightly flustered. "M-me? No way. I'm still a nobody at the agency."
"Rank is irrelevant. The president isn't the kind of person who would keep secrets like this," the blonde shrugged.
"But, like, I'd be way too nervous... Have you seen the president's eyes when he's angry? He could burn a hole through an iron plate. He'd probably even make a little girl cry," Tanizaki shuddered.
"That's right." Kunikida nodded in agreement. "The president is a master of martial arts of all styles. Ever since he founded the detective agency, he's managed to uproot all sorts of evils and uncover numerous conspiracies. He's head and shoulders above the rest. A single glare from that man could bring blood spewing out of the eyes of several little girls, instantly killing them. Instantly," Kunikida repeated once more for emphasis.
"That sounds like a curse," said Tanizaki.
"And that's why he's the president," you snickered. "So why did you want to know how the agency was founded? No, I mean—I completely understand why you would be curious about your employer, but why now?"
"Well, about that...," Tanizaki began as he took a sip of tea, but it was apparently still too hot. "Yow!" he exclaimed, sticking out his tongue, then continued. "Because Dazai asked me."
"Dazai?" Kunikida's expression immediately tensed.
"Yeah, so I—"
"Hold on. Wait. Give me a moment to calm down a little." Kunikida raised his hand to signal to Tanizaki to pause. "Lately, I've been getting horrible stress-induced stomach pains whenever I hear his name. Just sensing he's nearby brings flashes of black and white over my field of vision. It's a natural warning signal, so just give me a few seconds to relax."
"Th-that sounds awful... I know how you feel, though..." Tanizaki's expression was pure pity.
"I don't blame you, seven years of dealing with the brat and he still manages to surprise me," you groaned.
"You're the only one that can truly keep that worthless vagabond in check, eventhough the President originally asked that of me," Kunikida mused.
"No one can truly control him, and my control over him only persists because I have enough blackmail material to ruin his life and then some," you sighed, sipping at your tea. "You can actually control him better than I can, Kunikida-kun."
"In other words, the president trusts me, so I cannot abandon my role to—"
Kunikida suddenly stopped midsentence. He gazed up at the ceiling, then rubbed his eyes. "Hmm...?" he asked. "Suddenly, the lighting seems off, like it's flickering..."
Tanizaki curiously looked up at the lights, but there was nothing abnormal in the slightest.
"That's my cue!" A familiar voice cheered.
"Gah!" Kunikida jumped, his chair rattling noisily as he got up.
A tall young man with messy brown hair stood near the entrance. Draped in a khaki coat, he leaned his lanky figure against the café entrance while dangling a paper bag in his right hand.
It was Dazai Osamu — a member of the Armed Detective Agency just like the three of you. "Ah, I never get tired of hearing Kunikida's lovely screaming. I could practically see his life span shortening with my own two eyes. Oh, I'll have my usual black tea, ma'am."
The middle-aged café owner poked her head out from the back. "Oh, Dazai! Handsome as ever, I see!" she called out to him.
"Right back at you, ma'am!" Dazai returned the compliment with a wave, then took a seat right next to Kunikida. The already cramped table became even more so.
"Dazai... What are you doing here?" asked Kunikida in a growl, like a wounded beast threatening its natural enemy.
"Huh? I came so I could shave a few years off your life, of cour—"
Kunikida wrapped his hands around Dazai's neck and violently shook him before he could even finish his sentence.
"How much do I have to suffer by your hand before it's enough?! When...will...it...stop...?!"
"Wa-ha-ha-ha!" Dazai cackled, still being shaken.
"Alright you two, that's enough," you scolded, swatting Kunikida's hands away. "We're in public for crying out loud!"
Tanizaki's eyes darted around the shop restlessly. However, this café was on the first floor of the same building the detective agency was in. Dazai's eccentric behavior, Kunikida's yelling and your unbothered nature were nothing new to the owner or even the other customers. Everyone warmly watched you from their seats as if they were observing a schoolyard tussle between two brothers.
As the patrons' affectionate gazes fell on him as well, Tanizaki forced a half-hearted laugh. He had no other choice. Kunikida continued to shake Dazai, while Dazai didn't make any effort to get out.
"You're too laid-back! How dare you show your face again this late at night! Where were you at work today?!" Kunikida scolded. "Out annoying someone just like you always do, no doubt! Who do you think cleans up after you and apologizes for your mess?!"
"Oh, that's clearly y—"
"There is no way in hell I'm going to let you finish that sentence!"
Kunikida twisted Dazai's neck, letting out a slight pop. Pure bliss was the only way to describe the look on Dazai's face.
"Hey, don't break his neck, I still need him," you glared, kicking Kunikida under the table.
"Um, anyway..." Tanizaki spoke up. "I was telling Kunikida-San and L/N-San what we talked about earlier. You know, when you asked me why the Armed Detective Agency exists."
"What?" Kunikida cast Dazai a dubious gaze.
"Yep!" Dazai's twisted neck cracked and popped as he adjusted it. "I just met with Tanizaki around noon today."
"Where?" You asked.
"At a bar."
As the seconds crawled by, Kunikida's expression gradually started to look like a patient with neurotoxins slowly poisoning his body.
"I figured you were out drinking somewhere when you skipped work today, so that's fine. I'll save my anger for later," Kunikida grit out. "However, Tanizaki, what were you doing there? Don't tell me you were playing hooky as well? Surely an eighteen-year-old wouldn't be skipping work to day drink. Various studies and statistics have demonstrated the negative effects of underaged drinking, and there is clear proof that alcohol affects the secretion of testosterone. But regardless of the studies, if you start drinking now, your brain is going to turn into mush like his!" Kunikida firmly pointed to Dazai by his side.
"You may call me Mushy Brains," Dazai quickly lowered his head and bowed.
"Alright then, Mushy Brains, what were you doing with a kid at a bar?" You hissed.
"N-no, you've got the wrong idea!" Tanizaki waved his hands in a panic. "I was there for work. I was told to go to the bar, and when I went, I ran into Dazai, and—"
"Yep. Nice seeing you there!" Dazai trilled
"What...? So you went there for work?" You gaped.
"To a bar where Dazai just happened to be? ...I find it hard to believe that this was a coincidence...which means Dazai asked you to meet him there. Did he ask you to pay his tab? Or did he cause a scene and need you to...?" Kunikida listed, the worry getting more and more evident on his face.
Kunikida stopped himself. His face turned pale before he bent forward at the waist.
"D-don't tell me... It was the opposite? Did more trouble find him again? Is that it?"
"I'm sorry, Kunikida-San," Tanizaki lowered his gaze apologetically.
"Sheesh, it wasn't a big deal. Certainly nothing worth glowering over like that," Dazai gleefully smirked. "All I did was drink and make merry with the folks at the bar, have a chat, listen to their stories, and go home. I promise... Oh, and there was a bomb somewhere in there."
"..."
Kunikida's upper body slowly rocked back and forth as he sat in silence.
"...Kunikida-San?" Worried, Tanizaki called out his colleague's name.
"I...passed out for a second there," Kunikida uttered feebly while lifting up his head. "A bomb...? Tanizaki, why didn't you say something at the start of our meeting? Who planted the bomb? Have the city police done anything about it? Did the military police's bomb squad take care of it? What happened to the bomb?"
"It's right here." Dazai dropped a paper bag on the table with a thud.
"Aggghhh!" Startled, Kunikida jumped back—chair and all.
"Don't worry. Despite its realistic appearance, it's a fake," Dazai shrugged. "I'll make this short. The bomb was delivered yesterday to my usual haunt, addressed to me from an anonymous sender. I opened the package and found this inside. Right when I unwrapped it, the fuse came off. Even the slightest movement might have caused it to explode, so the city police and the detective agency were duly contacted."
"And that's why I was sent over there," said Tanizaki.
"I swear, every single time... How do you manage to constantly get yourself involved in these messes?" You groaned.
Kunikida's face was twisted in anguish as if he had just eaten a poisonous mushroom.
"Aw, c'mon, it's just a fake," At that moment, the tea Dazai ordered was brought to the table. Grinning, Dazai dropped a few sugar cubes in his teacup before taking a sip. Then he said, "This bomb ended up being a timer without any explosive components inside. Nothing more than a replica. Someone was just messing with me. Anyway, I already spoke with the perpetrator, so everything's okay now."
"Were they arrested?" Kunikida checked.
"Yep. I found a scrap of paper when I opened the bomb that said, 'Keep your eyes on me and me alone.' Turns out it was one woman's unique yet extreme way of telling me she was obsessed with me. I had a few ideas as to who it could be, so I contacted them one by one until I found the criminal," Dazai explained nonchalantly. "After a good scolding, I convinced her it just wasn't going to work out between the two of us. Besides, I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself at the pub if she kept sending me bombs every day."
Kunikida, in that moment the picture of exhaustion itself, stared at Dazai.
"...I see," he grit out.
His response was brief, but the look on his face essentially said, "I can't even begin to fathom why someone like him is so popular with women."
"And then one of the cops who showed up said to me, 'It's thanks to the Armed Detective Agency's efforts to keep the city safe that we can do our jobs properly.' Or something like that. I mean, how weird is that?" Dazai laughed.
"Oh?" Kunikida cocked an eyebrow. "Well, isn't that nice... Not that you'd be in any position to complain if the cop drop-kicked you for getting bomb threats thanks to your half-assed flirting with every girl you see! You're a menace to women everywhere! I don't understand how L/N-San manages to put up with you!" Kunikida yelled while sternly kicking Dazai's chair.
"Alcohol," you answered simply.
"It certainly is a good thing, though," claimed Tanizaki with a strained smile. "I was equal parts grateful and suspicious. I mean, it's the police's job to protect the city so that the citizens can work in peace, isn't it? That got me wondering why the president started a business that even the police appreciate."
"And that's what we talked about at the pub today," added Dazai with a smile.
"I see," Kunikida crossed his arms. "Danger does come with the job. Starting an agency isn't something you can do on a whim. But as you know, the president is a man of humanity and justice. Search the entire country, and you still won't find someone as fit for the job as he is. Personally, I believe the agency's founding was divine providence."
Kunikida took a sip of his tea, then scowled at Dazai out of the corner of his eye.
"Speaking of the detective agency," Kunikida continued with an acidic note in his tone, "I just remembered something—Dazai, what happened with that kid?"
"What kid?"
A/N: for those that don't know, this is the light novel in which they spend the first chapter basically discussing about how to proceed with Atsushi's entrance exam. It'll be split into multiple parts, and then we'll have the actual exam