I woke up with a jolt. Unang bumati sa akin ang buong kadiliman bago dumapo ang paningin ko sa umiilaw na cellphone sa mesang katabi ng aking hinihigaan.
Eyes straining for probably sleeping late, I'm also trying to gather my bearings. Tila basong unti-unting pinupuno ng tubig ang utak ko sa pag-agos ng mga kaganapan.
Hinawakan ko ang aking braso ngunit naramdaman ko ay ang nakabalot sa aking kumot. When I move to shift from my side-lying position, I instantly recalled how I just threw myself in this comfortable bed without changing my clothes. Naalala ko ring... hindi rito natulog si Angelov.
Wala naman kaming pinagkasunduan na hindi magtatabi. It's safe to say that it was a mutual decision agreed in silence. Hinatid niya lang ako rito sa silid at pinanood ko lang din siyang umalis.
Alam kong napagkasunduan namin na hanggang pag-uusap lang kami, hindi ko naman akalain na susunod siya. As I've known him, he's not one who easily caves in to an order. Not that I expected him to but... so much has changed and that the air between us felt new.
Angelov... even whispering his name resembled savoring a distant taste, and I am saying this despite his kisses that felt just as the same; A hybrid of the wilderness and home. His name rolling in my tongue to recapture how sweet and dangerous it used to taste while my lips were heavy and awkward, stumbling and lost...
Nanatiling nakabalot sa akin ang kumot nang inabot ko ang cellphone. Baha ito ng mga missed calls at mga mensahe na wala pa akong ganang basahin dahil alas kuwatro pa lang pala ng umaga! I sighed and drew my gaze to the pure dark ceiling. Staring back at black for quite too long, I barely remember how I fell back to sleep.
My lids fluttered as the morning light penetrates my closed eyes. Naalala ang mga mensahe kanina ay inabot ko ang cellphone habang unti-unting dumidilat. Bago ko pa man makapa ang mesa, nadirekta ang paningin ko sa ibaba ng higaan.
Halos tumalon ako nang napaahon sa gulat. Bakit may pusa rito?
Round face and a little rotund body, the ash cat gazes creepily at me through its blue eyes. It wagged its tail once then meowed. Napakurap ako, gusto siyang sikupin pero baka kalmutin ako.
Tinungo ko na lang ang banyo para makapaghilamos at sipilyo. I don't know why I wasn't surprised to find unused toiletries; The soap and toothbrush in the counter. The sight led me to conclude that no one has ever been here, perhaps a woman, with him before the event. Hindi ko rin naman naisip iyon sa kabila ng pagkakakilala ko sa kanya noon. If my memory serves me right, he never made me question if there were side lovers. What made a colossal dent to our relationship was never a someone, but his addiction.
Mas nag-alala pa nga ako sa relapse niya kaysa sa pagkakaroon niya ng iba. I mean, who am I to condemn when I myself married another man?
After removing my clips, I let my long black hair cascade down in waves. Tapos na rin akong maghilamos at sinuot ang puting roba na nakatupi katabi ng mga malalaking towels sa drawer. The moment I looked up at the mirror to check my reflection, I paused.
Maganda naman ang lighting ng banyo, warm white which in my opinion always makes me look pretty. Pero paano na kapag nasisinagan ng natural na liwanag? Now that I am sans make-up and no shower, halata ring kakagising ko lang dahil medyo namamaga pa ang mga mata. Not to mention my inherently small plumpy lips that are puffy today...
This reminds me how I used to always brood over leaving my room barefaced. My round face, the gap in my teeth, my awkward smiles... now just by thinking about facing Angelov, I don't seem to dwell on that same concerns anymore...
He'd seen the worst parts of me and has made love to my ugliest, maybe this is why? Hindi nga lang ako sigurado ngayon. Years had passed, changes are constant and inevitable but so what?
Ano naman kung ayaw na niya sa 'kin dahil hindi na ako mukhang eighteen years old?
I jumped and a shriek caught up my throat when something fluffy and slow-moving brushed against my leg.
"What the hell..." Pinapanood ang abong pusa na dumaan sa paanan ko.
Dismissing my morning reverie, I followed the cat outside. Nilingon pa ako na para bang sinisigurado nitong nakabuntot ako sa kanya. Unang tapak ko pa lang sa labas ng silid, naaamoy ko na ang kape. Nasabi ko ring may iilan nang nakahain na agahan dahil bumilis ang takbo ng pusa at dumaan sa gitna ng paanan ni Angelov na nakatayo sa harap ng stove top. Him with only a boxer shorts on.
"O!" Nagugulat niyang sambit. He chuckled as he lifted the cat to his face. "Sa'n ka galing, hmp?" He playfully asked then peppered kisses at the happily purring cat.
My steps slowed down before going still.
Last night, I was overridden by shock and the incredulity growing above the thrill of his resurgence led me to miss admiring the sound of his soft laughters and the way his lazy drawls are perpetually grated by a smoker's throat. This, and among the many sounds that naturally oozes out from him have always make my spine tingle and raise the hairs on my arms.
Ngayon ay hindi ako makapaniwalang naramdaman ko ulit iyon. The bliss, an overflowing joy that's straining too much inside my chest I could barely breathe. And I didn't just feel the same way I used to, but that same feeling itself has doubled, intensified by longing and the distance of time. And that intensity has rushed in full violence now that I am looking at his moving body, real and alive.
I continued to stand still, blinking a few times to make sure he is not just a fever dream of a grieving devotee.
Hanggang kailan ba ako manonood sa kanya para mas idiin pa sa akin ang katotohanang hindi ako namamalikmata? Pero siguro, dahil din ito sa mga bagong napapansin ko at ang hindi ko pagsubaybay kung paano niya pinagdaanan at nilagpasan lahat kaya may parte pa rin sa akin ang nangangapa.
Just like the new tattoo covering the whole space of his back. Not the individual small ones he used to have, it's a huge portrait this time that has likely buried the old ones; A greek god chained to a huge rock and a gigantic eagle stood over him, tearing out the side of his gut.
But as I inched closer, I began to notice the vivid picture, the details beyond the depiction. The rough lines and serrated edges of the rock he was chained to were not only repeated traces of the dark ink that made them look thick, but they were evident protrusions of actual scars Angelov bore from the torture.
Umahon ang matagal-tagal ring namamahingang poot. But instead of taking my time to contemplate, I lifted a trembling hand to touch his disguised wounds, hoping against hope that they would heal...
That's when he turned around carrying two plates with him. I quickly dropped my hand and took a few steps back.
"O, kanina ka pa diyan?" Nag-aagaw ang marahang gulat at aliw sa kanyang mga mata.
He flashed a quick glance at the hand I lifted seconds ago.
"I followed your cat." I regret the instant it escaped my lips. Kanina pa niya nakita ang pusa at sa sinabi ko, siguradong mahihinuha niyang matagal-tagal nga akong nakatayo sa likod niya!
"Oh," he chuckled and set the plates on the table. "Ginising ka ba?"
Sandali kong pinaraan ang paningin sa hinanda niya. Our plates are both filled with a full breakfast meal from bagels, cream cheese on the side, eggs and bacon, salmon with capers, mixed berries and a fresh pot of brewed coffee. Some healthy choices I must say, such a far cry from the past.
Hindi ko mapigilan ang mamangha nang balikan siya ng tingin at halatang-halata ito nang mautal ako.
"H-hindi naman. I already woke up when I saw it. Parang hinihintay nga akong gumising, e."
"She's the sweetest. Magala nga lang. Tignan mo ngayon, wala na naman." He pulled the chair nearest to me. "Upo ka, anong gusto mo? Mahilig ka naman sa berries, 'di ba? And... the coffee." He poured coffee in my white mug and beside it, he slid an earthenware milk pot. "Almond milk."
Ilang sandali akong natulala saka naalalang nakatitig ako sa kanya.
"Uh...y-yeah! This is perfect. Thank you." Umupo na ako.
Somehow, this move of him is vividly familiar to me. Walang pinagbago dahil ganito na rin naman siya kahit noon pa, pinagsisilbihan ako sa abot ng kanyang makakaya. Yet, why does it seem like I have to refresh some juvenile memories? Is it really a refresh that I need, or it's just this part of me that longs to recreate the past or live the moments we supposed to have already lived had only the horrifying affairs didn't unfold?
But at the bottom of this, I can clearly see how the years indeed felt like a lifetime when I mostly spent it alone. The memories never decayed, only hazed by the length of the days, of the thickening vines of sorrow sheathing the walls of two thousand thirteen. Fogged by the aches but they never rot, 'cause at some point I let it control all of me; Mind, body and soul.
"Sam?"
Naigtad ako sa kabila ng banayad niyang sambit. "I-I'm sorry."
I laughed a little to coat my embarassement. And hid it even deeper when I took a bite at the fresh bagel spread with cream cheese. But to throw the final soil at burying my shame, a delighted moan pour out from me to subtly hint how satisfied I am with the breakfast he prepared.
I poured milk on my coffee before I took a deflecting sip.
"Hm! How long have you been staying here? Mukhang marami-rami ang dinala niyo. And the coffee tastes good! Did you buy all your stocks here or..."
I stilled at the way he's staring at me. I've always said this before that if he fails to speak in words, I have his perpetually evocative eyes to dive on his unspoken.
"Naninibago ka."
It's not a question but more of a statement that calls for an answer.
"Medyo..." I cleared my throat.
"Ako pa rin naman 'to, Sam..."
Hindi ako nakailag sa mga kamayng kinukuyumos ang puso ko nang marinig iyon mula sa kanya. Taimtim na pangungulila at pag-intindi ang humabi sa kanyang tono at inukit ang sakit sa puso ko. If my doubts have already bothered me, when he subtly pointed it out, it felt like a stab of the knife.
"Alam ko..." mahina kong sinabi at ganoon din kahinang ngumiti.
Akala ko ay mas magkakalapit kami pagkatapos ng pag-uusap kagabi. Ngunit habang tulog yata ako, mas binabaon ako ng gulat dahilan para mas lumaki ang guwang sa pagitan at lalo pa kaming nagkakailangan.
We talked, but I don't think a single issue has been settled while I still have my inhibitions at hand.
Bakit sa mga nagdaang taon, may kailangan pa akong balatan para mas malinaw kong masilip ang nakaraan? I still don't understand what's in the past that I thought is needed so dearly for my guidance? 'Cause I can see, he's still the Angelov that I know. I know it's there beneath the armors, but at the same time I thought a lot has changed.
Pero siguro may mga bagay na walang nagbago. May nawawala, at may nadadagdagan nga lang. It also seemed like he shed his old skin, stripping off the armors he used to mask dark secrets and his pain.
"I know you're still him..."
He's till looking at me the same way, but now it was painted by a strong familiar sorrowful gaze. Nasasaktan pa rin ako sa tuwing nakikita sa kanya ang halos ikinamatay ko noon.
I noticed his untouched food and empty mug. Kinuha ko ang coffee pot na nasa gitna lang ng mesa at nagbuhos ng kape sa baso niya. Pagkababa ko ng pot, nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya nang hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.
"You think so, Sam? 'Cause despite last night, it felt like we're back to being strangers. Hindi naman sa nag-aalangan din ako, pero ikaw ang hinihintay ko kung ano'ng gusto mong mangyari, o kung handa ka bang..." Nagkibit balikat siya sa ngalan ng hindi masabing huling salita.
I threw a quick glance at our hands, on his thumb leisurely running on my hand. "I'm still shocked, to be honest."
He made quick and short nods.
'And confused."
His brows furrowed.
"Are you still a Dieguez or... Y de Grecia?"
"Both. But does it matter?"
Kumunot ang noo ko nang may maalala. Barely aware that I am somehow veering from where this conversation is supposed to lead us.
"Kung ganoon, sino ang nagpakilala sa aming Von Y de grecia sa restaurant? Did you ask that person to represent you or something..."
"Ano?" His tone has a slight edge to it.
I swallowed and shifted in my seat. Isang pagkakamali na binuksan ko pa ang tungkol rito dahil halatang natigilan siya, ganoon din ang hinlalaki niyang huminto ang paglalakbay sa kamay ko. At ang marahas na niyang mukha ay lalo pang nadepina.
"May nagpakilalang Y de Grecia sa amin. We thought he's the painter who held the exhibit last night. I think that was last month. Anyways, I don't think it matters now since hindi naman ito dapat ang punto ng usapan. I just randomly remembered--"
"Anong itsura niya?" Nakapikit na siya at may pagtitimpi nang mariing gumalaw ang kanyang panga.
"Uhm... brown hair? At guwapo rin, but he looks like someone who doesn't really take anyone seriously kahit naka business suit--"
"Putangina," marahas na bulong niya at binagsak ang likod sa backrest ng upuan.
Nang dumilat ay ningitian ako ngunit may bahid nang matulis na iritasyon. Matulis dahil sa mga mata niyang lumalim at marahas.
"May tatawagan lang ako. Kain ka lang diyan."
His grasp on my hand tightened for a moment as he rose before releasing it and grabbed his phone beside his plate. As he walked in wide strides, I watch him pressed a key on his phone once.
"Gago ka ba? Ba't mo ginawa iyon?" Binubuksan pa lamang niya ang pinto patungo sa balcony ay nangangalabog na agad ang bungad niya.
Kahit nakasarado na iyon ay dinig hanggang rito ang boses niya. Though it was muffled I could barely make out what he's screaming about.
Binalikan ko ang pagkain. Now there's your answer, Samara. He never changed.
I minded my own food but also couldn't help but hear him. The yelling didn't last long and he seems to be in a normal conversation now. But even when calm, his voice is still really loud. A sound that always goes so domineering and bold.
Bumalik siya na bitbit na iyong abong pusa at ibinaba nang tuluyang makapasok. He smiled at me as if he didn't just howled at someone then proceeds to the sink to wash his hands. Binuksan niya ang fridge at naglabas ng fresh milk saka ibinuhos sa water bowl, ibinaba niya iyon malapit sa paanan niya para sa pusang agad itong nilapitan.
My gaze lingered at the cat drinking milk. It was only cut when Angelov return to his seat across me.
"Is everything okay?"
"Mhm." He's sipping on his coffee when I decided to ask. Nahihiya siyang ngumiti nang ibinaba ang inumin. "Sorry, I'm still working on my temper. Pero sinisigawan din naman niya ako kaya patas lang kami."
Aliw ko siyang pinapanood. Sa halip na tanungin siya kung sino iyon, hindi ko alam bakit mas gusto kong magmasid sa kanya. I'd hate to use it as my means of entertainment but I couldn't help but get amused watching the changes play around him while also taking in some parts of him that remained.
"Where's your brother staying?" Tanong ko habang patuloy ang ganang kumakain. "Mukhang ang dami niyong binili. Have you been staying here a week before the event or..." I paused. "What?"
Tinakpan ko ang bibig habang ngumunguya nang mapansin na kanina pa siya nakatitig sa akin. Binalikan ko ang nagdaang segundo para pagmasdan ang sarili sa alaala kung gaano ako kalakas lumamon.
"Ganado ka nang kumain ngayon. Dati hanggang rito lang nauubos mo." His finger traced a smaller than a half line at the very side of his plate. "Minsan pinipilit ka pang kumain. Gutom ba iyan o masarap lang iyong niluto ko?"
A soft laughter spilled out from me. "Masarap."
His brows arched in a feigned surprise. And while his eyes glistened with playful amusement, his lips are curved downwards, para bang ayaw i-acknowledge na dapat siyang puriin. Then I just noticed his medium length hair is a bit disheveled.
"I don't remember your hair naturally wavy but... bagay sa 'yo," aniya.
Hindi ko alam kung iniiba niya ang usapan at binabaling sa akin, pero naabutan ko ang paglalakbay ng mga mata niya sa aking ulo at buong mukha ko. It's as if he's also dissecting every change I've undergone over the years especially now that I am barefaced in front of him.
"Thanks. I like your new hair too."
"Ah..." he nodded slowly, suppressing a grin. "You like it?" A raspy and teasing whisper.
"And you still love to go half-naked. Hindi ako sanay na makita ka kagabing nakabalot."
He threw his head back as his sexy laughter thundered around the room. Nahawa ako at napangiti sa aliw niya. Eventually his loud echoing joy melted into soft chuckles and have only stopped when he cooly threw a piece of raspberry in his mouth. Kahit ngumunguya ay hindi pa rin maipagkakaila ang kislap ng aliw sa mga mata niya na parang gusto pa yata nitong makipaglaro o naghahamon ng laban na alam niyang siya ang mananalo.
But speaking of last night, I remembered the phone call with Mama about Charlie. Wala siya kagabi pero si Evrose, imbitado. But if he's only intending to invite the aesthetes, I would expect Davina to be there too.
"Did you invite Charlie? Or Vin?'
Sunod-sunod niyang isinubo ang tatlong klaseng berries at sa huli ay marahan napaismid sa asim.
"Oo, hindi naman sumipot. And Vin couldn't make it. She's pregnant."
"Oh..." my chewing slowed. I tilted my head to the side. "And you know these how?"
Gusto ko sanang idagdag na hindi man lang yata siya nagpakita sa kanila lalo na sa kasal, kaya paano siya may alam sa dalawa? But then I instantly regret when I realized I am underestimating him.
He sighed. I'm not sure if I heard disappointment or he's just too fed up to point out the obvious.
"How did you think I found out we have twins?"
Nanigas ako. Tumitig ako sa kanya na nagtatalo ang isip kung dapat ba ako manghingi ng tawad na hindi agad nabanggit ang mga bata sa kanya, o ipaliwanag ang samo't saring mga bagay na hindi ko masimulan at hindi mapangalanan.
Wala naman talaga akong balak na itago ang tungkol sa mga bata. Sa katunayan, mas iniiwas ko pa nga sila mula sa akin lalo na noon, at lalo na si Sal. Then last night, when Angelov spoke about our daughter, the beads of dread my heart has wept didn't root from him finding out about the twins, nor for his anticipated anger for assuming my intentions of keeping him out of the loop. Instead, the sense of foreboding was more about the child's feelings, Salvatore most of all, who always believed his father's been dead. Paano ko ito ipapaliwanag sa kanila sa paraang maiintindihan nila hindi lamang ang sitwasyon kundi pati rin ang kanilang ama?
A breezing sadness scraped against my chest for I felt like I failed as a mother. I just want the best for my children. Nakakainis isipin na hindi ko man lang alam paano gagawin iyon. Kung sapat ba ang mga ginawa ko, tama ba o may kulang pa? There were moments of doubt if I am even doing a good job raising them. Though not fully since the most parts were all thanks to Mama.
I keep on thinking that I should have learned all the rules by now. I thought I did until this...
"Gusto ko na silang makita, Sam."
His undivided attention is now solely on me. Ang plato sa harapan niya kanina ay nasa gilid na't pinalitan ng mga siko niya habang nakahilig ang katawan sa mesa. Sa likod ng mga kamay niyang magkasalikop, ay ang mariin at seryosong paninitig sa akin.
"Kailan?"
"Matagal na. Pero naiintindihan mo naman ako, 'di ba? I wasn't well for the first three years. Kung magpapakita ako na hindi pa ako maayos..." Natigilan siya't nagbuntong hininga. "Naiintindihan mo, 'di ba?"
I swallowed the familiar ball of dread in my throat. Familiar because... I did the same. I refused to see my son to protect him from me, for I am still haunted by what I did.
"Yes. I understand," kapos hininga kong tugon.
Mahina siyang tumango. The depth of his brows meeting reflects the depth of his thoughts as he gazes at me in all that serious piercing eyes.
"But now you call the shots. Maiintindihan ko rin kung nag-aalangan ka. Hindi kita masisi, ako ang nagkamali. Pero kung kailan ka handa, o kailan gusto ng mga bata..." Lumamlam ang boses niya sa huli na para bang isang babasaging bagay ang salitang dinadala ng mga labi niya at marahang pinapakawalan.
"Pero gusto ko sana ngayon na tayo umuwi."
I released a slow burdened breath. Why does this seem so hard for me? Totoong wala talaga akong balak ipagkait ang mga bata sa kanya, pero hindi ko naman akalain na darating ang puntong ito na mahihirapan akong magdesisiyon paano sila magkikita? Wala sa plano at hindi ko pa napaghandaan!
Angelov shifted in his seat. Pumalatak siya na tila may bagong planong naisip.
"You know what, how 'bout we go home tomorrow? Tawagan mo ngayon si Ate Meow at ipaalam sa kanya na uuwi tayo para masabihan niya ang mga bata. Huwag kang ma-pressure, Sam."
"I'm trying to figure out how to explain this to the kids--"
"Walang dapat ipaliwanag--"
"Anong wala? They thought you were dead. We all thought you were dead! Tapos bigla biglang magpapakita ka sa harap nila? Paano ko ipapaliwanag iyon? Paano nila maiintindihan iyon? They're just kids!"
"Silang dalawa talaga ang naniwala, o iyong isa lang?"
Tahimik akong humihingal. Mariin siyang tinitigan. Hindi ko na dapat itanong paano niya ulit alam ang tungkol doon.
"Ako na ang bahala. And besides, I'm the one who needs to explain. Don't throw all the burden to yourself, Samara. At kung pakiramdam mo nahihirapn ka o natatakot, sabihin mo sa 'kin. Nandito na ako."
Nanatili ang bugso ng emosyon, umiling ako. "You don't know your son. Dorcas is fine, she's a sunshine and with manageable demands. But Salvatore... I don't even know if he'd be thrilled to see you."
Hindi ko na napigilan. Wala na rin ibang paraan para ilihim ito. Dapat lang siguro na malamaan niya para mas maintindihan niya kung bakit ako ganito. I can only imagine my son and hear his heart breaking once he's face to face with the very person he has always believed to never return.
Natigilan ako nang mamataan ang dumaang sakit sa mga mata ni Angelov. Sa likod ng sakit ay isang pag-intindi at determinasyon.
"This is why I need to see them. Kung hindi ngayon o bukas, kailan? Wala talaga akong malalaman tungkol sa kanila kung mas patatagalin ko pa 'to."
Natahimik ako. Kalaunan ay naigtad sa pagkakahila ng silya sa pag-ahon niya. Kinuha niya ang mga plato namin. I finished my food and my plate is empty, while Angelov's still has those black and red berries on it. Kumakalabog pa rin ang puso ko kahit hindi siya nililingon pero naririnig ang paglalagay niya ng pinagkainan namin sa sink. It was hell of a silently cold affair until he returned in front of me.
Nagbuntong hininga ako dahil parang hindi pa kami tapos sa usapan. I want to change lanes and rather we talk about lighter things instead. Para wala na ako masyadong iisipin, susundin ko na lang ang sinabi ni Angelov na tawagan si Mama mamaya.
"Hindi kita pipilitin na ngayon na agad. I hope tomorrow's fine with you, or if not tomorrow, at least give me a specific day this week. Your call."
"Tomorrrow," I conceded.
Ngayon, bukas o kahit kailan pa, isa pa rin naman ang patutunguhan at iyon ay ang magkikita sila. Kaya tama, bakit pa patatagalin? What's the point? Matagal na nga siyang wala. May masasaktan at may iiyak pa rin!
Sa marahan niyang pagtango, napansin ko na ang lalim pa rin ng iniisip niya o baka sa natural na ukit lang talaga iyan ng kanyang mukha.
"Tomorrow and... for the rest of the week, I'd spend time with you and the kids." He smiled quickly. "Baka next week, mga kaibigan naman ang pupuntahan ko."
"You should go first to Charlie and Vin."
"I will. They must probably know by now I sent them gifts on their respective weddings."
"Under the name Von Y de Grecia," I served my cold conclusion in a deadpan. Halos umikot ang mga mata ko. "How were you able to plan all of these?"
I didn't mean to serve that in bitter notes. Ayaw ko siyang sisihin sa desisiyon niyang magtagal ng ganito na pinag-isip kaming wala na siya. But I'm still a bit resentful to be honest.
"I don't want to take the full credit since I got help from a few trusted people. So everything is not entirely my doing. I took some advices, learned my lessons, been trained with discipline... tinitiis lahat ng bawal, lalo na ang pagbabawal ko sa sariling... bumalik."
Wala mang galit sa boses niya, pero kahit sa normal na pananalita ay may rahas pa rin iyon at diin, tila ba lagi siyang nangungumbinse. Hindi ko lang mapigilang punahin ang iilang bagay na nanatili pa rin sa kanya.
And despite everything, he is still able to easily attract loyal people. O magaling lang ba talaga siyang kumilatis kung sino ang mga pagkakatiwalaan? It could also be that it's in the way how he treats them first that earns him the loyalty from the people he served kindness to. Like Stephano and his mother, to name a few.
"You have your ways of attracting loyal folks, no?"
Unti-unting may namumuong kahulugan sa mga mata niya.
"It's safe to say that. But it's rare to find someone whose faith remains enduring."
What he said struck a chord in me. It's loaded with meaning indeed that his suggestive tone twisted my guts. At sa kung ano man ang ibig niyang sabihin doon, may parte sa aking kinukutuban na para bang... may alam siya at ako ang pinapasaringan niya.
I dropped a gaze on my hands I allowed to wrestle at each other. How about his faith, I wonder? Battling his addiction, I wonder if he was able to seek solid redemption by changing his faith from nothing?
"Was it..." I closed my eyes and shook my head.
"What? You can ask me, Sam."
I gasped and lifted a downcasted gaze at him. "The withdrawal. That must be hard for you..."
His lips twitched. "You can say that again."
I let our gazes linger at each other for a time I refused to count.
What we have talked last night was just the summary of what was asked to be known and did not even cover everything we needed to settle. Tila ba pampalubang loob lang para aluin ang gulat at isang pagsimsim para ibsan ang uhaw ng kuryosidad.
But the real hunger lies beneath the crust of shock and desires acting crazy in behalf of our buckling common sense.
After the thrill, the joy, the shock and relief... I thought my search is over. Akala ko wala na akong hahangarin pa dahil ito naman ang hiniling ko noon pa man hindi ba? But then in the quiet, an emergence lurks in the corner, begging to be confronted.
I wanted to scream at him for taking so long to return. Scream louder for letting us believe he's gone. A desperate urge in me to blame him for my sorrows and our children's longing. Scream loudest for hiding himself to the detriment of my sanity.
But what do I know?
I want to know more, but I also refuse to confront everything that almost killed me. Near truths that slackened my grip on faith. Those pictures, I would conclude that's not even half of what he has endured. So what do I know?
Pero kailangan ko pa ba talagang malaman lahat ng iyon? Do I still have to find out his struggles just so I would understand my own grievances? Is there a need to hear someone else's pain just so I could invalidate mine when I find out they had it worst and that I don't have to feel these aches anymore since my silent prayers have been granted?
Does knowing his pain resolve my faceless questions? Does seeing him now, alive and better, not enough for me to heal?
Because in truth is, I am still unraveling the shackles of grief while he's already on his way to mend.
Tulad nga ng sinabi ko, alam ko lang na nagdusa siya, pero hindi ko malalaman kung gaano kalalim. Alam kong nasaktan rin siya, ngunit hindi ko mararanasan kung gaano kasakit sa puntong gusto na niyang sumuko. Well I did, but I want to feel it the way he did because somehow, it would mean I was there fighting with him for dear life.
The same goes for Angelov. He had no idea how much I suffered but now that he's back in where I also anticipate for open wounds to finally close, why do I still hesitate? Is this still the shock?
Where was my fervor when I asked him to hold me the moment I felt his breath on my neck? Was I only fearless in the dark? Am I becoming too comfortable thriving in the sadness?
It hurts to think that everytime we're close we have only heal the gaps and devour distance. But in times when I'm alone, I wonder if I still find myself searcing for more?
And I don't think hearing the details of the torture would ever help me. Instead I ask...
"Why did you come back, Angelov?"
Hindi ako nakatingin sa kanya nang tinanong ito. Nagtataka sa pananahimik niya, nag-angat ako. Meeting the strong disbelief in his face, extreme and raw, beat a fistful of air against my chest.
I admit, my question sounded a little accusing and confused.
"Why do you think?" He articulated each word slowly, his tone coated in velvet incredulity.
Para bang habang nagtatanong siya ay may iba't iba pang katanungan ang naglalaro sa isip niya, and he isn't sure if he picked the right question the reason why he appeared uncertain and confused as his gaze at me turned intensely deep.
"May... anak tayo?"I let out a nervous chuckle before taking a bitter sip on my coffee.
"Ano pa?" Kumukurap ang naniningkit niyang mga mata.
"You 've been to the other corners of the world and perhaps... met people."
His eyes narrowed. Sa likod nun ay nahahagap ko ang kaunting iritasyon.
"So I would assume you found someone and you come back to... ask permission or... " I mumbled the additional nonsense.
"Are you insinuating that somehow I've been unfaithful and got tempted to do beyond meeting people?"
He sounded calm but I heard the forcefully hidden wrath beneath the straining attempt.
"It's just hard to believe since you're a very sexual man."
Mababa at madilim ang tawa niya. "Mabuti na lang may mga kamay tayo."
I lightly bit my lips to fight a smile. Right, he almost made me laugh there but this needs to be a serious conversation. Something is bothering me.
"Angelov, h-hindi kita masisi pero... " I sighed. "I married another man, not to mention the son of the enemy."
"While at the mercy of false notions of my death. Was it your choice though, to marry again?"
I didn't hear any accusation but his inquisition was more of like wanting to hear what is already obvious for him that I was forced into the marriage.
"I still chose to agree eventually."
Which is the truth. I agreed because I had a plan.
"You love him?" Mabilis ang pagkakabigkas niya na parang isang salita lamang iyon.
"No... but we've become friends."
"Puwes, hindi rin kita masisi kung may nangyari man sa inyo ng Silvestre na iyon. It will be my ruin but then, it's all on me. Ako ang wala at ikaw ay nasa loob ng maling paniniwala."
"You'll go in full rage."
"Oh, yes! For sure." The chair dragged as he shifted aggressively on his seat.
He rolled his tongue inside his cheek, as if to melt the war of curses inside before its treacherous explosion. The faint beard framing around his mouth has only defined the cruelty and the sins of his lips like they're only meant for spitting curses and a deadly kiss.
"Goddamit but I would rather shoot myself, Sam. Kaya kung may nangyari man sa inyo... " He hissed. "Just save your breath. Don't let me know," may gaspang niyang bulong sa huli.
A few beats of silence in loving memory of my words at rest. Hindi ko alam ano ang sasabihin, magpapaliwanag ba o idadaan sa simpleng tugon. Yumuko ako para sana magpahinga mula sa nakakapaso niyang pagtitig bago muling binalikan ang pag-aalab.
"Wala."
May lalim at bagal ang paghinga niya. His nose flared from breathing deep then closed his eyes tight. Mariin ang galaw ng panga niya habang nanatiling nakapikit. His lips moved, fighting profanities.
"And Quentin's determined to keep his marital vows so he as well has his fair share of celibacy," I said in further hopes to soothe the war inside him.
Tahimik siyang tumango.
The freedom of silence has once again been heard roaring. I wonder if there's anything more to say? I wonder if there's I need to know more? In the midst of his still closed eyes, I wonder what are the thoughts he's diving for?
Sifting through the pieces of the past that remains in him, I started to sort out the reasons of my misgivings.
Maybe... a part of me fears to trust him again? If he came back years after his rehab, then last night he said he went through several relapses after the first one, I had this image in mind that I would have still accepted him.
Just like before. Despite his flaws, I embraced him. I found out his crimes, I still have loved him. Kung noon nagawa ko siyang tanggapin sa kabila ng mga nagawa niya, paano pa ngayon na nakikita ko ang pagbabagong buhay niya?
I may have allowed ourselves to quench our pent-up desires last night, hindi ko akalain na may mamumuo na ganitong pangamba. Ito rin ba ang dahilan ng pag-aalangan kong makita niya ang mga bata? Because how sure was I that he has fully recovered?
And Samara, do you dare ask this just because you yourself has not fully pulled through? Kung hindi pa naghihilom ang mga sugat mo, dapat ba ganoon din sa kanya?
I am painting Angelov as a man he used to be before. But how about the seven years in our midst? What kind of person has he become?
O baka hindi lang talaga ako sanay na natutupad lahat ng hiling ko, o nasasagot lahat ng pinagdadasal kaya sa paghiling na iyon, may parte sa aking hindi na umaasa. Aren't we all like that? We pray with our faith in halves since we are upbrought to believe we can't always get what we want.
And when I had sought for my desires, I admit to have been half-hearted for I was molded to believe that most battles are impossible to win. And the fallback ways to grasp at least the closest to where we hoped to be aren't going to be enough to fill the void.
Dahan-dahang nagbukas ang mga mata niya. Seryoso na agad ang hulma ng paninitig.
"You know why I asked you to marry me?"
I tensed. I didn't expect this to be asked. Unmoving, my body trembled from the harsh currents of my violent pounding heart.
"Some may say it was selfish, but for me it was the hardest gamble I took part in. The most uncertain risk. As everything used to be too predictable until that one gamble I know is going to change our lives both. Mahirap kasi walang kasiguraduhan. Kasi hindi ko alam kung papayag ka. But somehow, I tried to calculate the probability of the situation I wanted to be certain for us."
Kumunot ang noo ko. Bakit kailangan pa niyang ipaliwanag ito? I asked him why he decided to come back, not why he asked me to marriage. May ibang dahilan ba siya sa pagpapakasal sa akin?
"Despite to have done the forbidden, I still attempted to take a step back from hell. While I danced with the devil, played with death, deceived my faith and romanced my sins, in the end I still want to wake up in your arms." His lips carved a sad smile. "Pero hanggang kailan? Tinanong ko sa sarili na magtatagal bang ganoon tayo kung ako naman iyong paulit-ulit na humihila sa atin pababa? Kaya gumising ako nang hapon na iyon, handa sa isa pang pagkakataon sa buhay ko na kasama ka."
Hindi nabubuway ang pagtitig ko sa kanya na binubuksan muli ang sarili. Na dinideklara ang kanyang kahinaan. He is not into explaining himself just to be understood. He wanted his screaming soul to be heard from how hard and deep you strive to know him beyond skin deep.
To explain himself makes him vulnerable. And vulnerability for him is a weakness.
Pero para saan nga ba ang pagpapaliwanag niyang ito?
"Seeing the news about the Silvestres, I knew I'm screwed. I know their crimes. At ramdam ko na may gagawin sila na hindi bababa sa pagmamanipula lamang. I never underestimated them. I had nothing. Who am I to assume that I am above the Silvestres, powerwise? There's no way for me to take them down when I'm... lost."
My heart aches at the memory of him losing his own will to live and just abandoned himself through substance abuse. Kaunting banggit lang niya tungkol doon ay pinipiga pa rin ang puso ko.
"So my last card, asking you to marry me." Mapait siyang natawa. "Sa totoo lang mas inasahan kong hindi ka papayag pagkatapos ng ginawa ko. But when you said yes, I threw logic out the window as I never bothered to reflect on what's to come because I can only see one end and one consequence ahead of us, Sam. And that is you being my wife, inspite of and despite of."
Nanatili akong natitigilan pero hindi maipagkakailang bumibilis ang paghinga ko sa riin ng bawat salita niya. I have to part my lips as I listened to him, as I watched him with my half-awe and torment.
"Kaya naisip kong sumuko, handa nang magpakulong at maparusahan. At kung may gagawin man sila na masira tayo, saan pa rin ba tayo tutungo? Saktan man nila tayo, ipakasal ka man nila sa iba, magkaanak ka man sa iba, matagalan man ako sa pagkakakulong pero sa oras na bumalik ako, saan pa rin ba ang uwi ko? Sa 'yo. Dahil kasal tayo at asawa kita."
Tahimik na bumagsak ang matatabang luha ko. Nakatitig pa rin kahit nanlalabo ang mga mata kong tinatabunan ng luha. Naninigas ako sa subok na pigilan ang panginginig ng katawan sa nagbabadyang hikbi.
"Ang isang pagkakataon lang na ikakatalo ko ay kung magmahal ang isa sa atin ng iba, o kung isa sa atin ang sumuko na. But the rest of the consequences from that risky gamble, those many webs and rough roads meet into a single path that will lead me home to you. At ang buong pitong taon ay hinulma ko sa isang buong araw na mula umaga hanggang gabi, ikaw ang sasambahin. Na bawat banggit ko ng pangalan mo, sa akin ay isang panalangin."
I let out a sniff. Tinitignan ko pa rin siya kahit nalulunod na ako sa tahimik na paghikbi. Nagpuwersa siya ng ngiti pero halatang nagpipigil na lumuha.
"And I'm sorry." It was an emotional and passionate whisper. "Forgive me if somehow along the years when I'm not there as you're fighting on your own, the years when I'm trying to get better, half of me was confident to still see you waiting for me. Naghihintay sa akin ng puno ng pag-asa kasi kailanman, hindi ko pinagdududahan ang pagmamahal mo sa akin, Samara."
Natalo ako ng sariling emosyon nang mapapikit nang mariin sabay na pinakawalan ang malakas na hikbi. My whole body is burning and shaking as I continued to pour out my storms that is my cries. I heard him sniff too, and to hear the echoes of his scarred emotions only forced more tears from me.
"It still haunted me how... you took the devil in me as you are breaking slowly, in sheer torture. How you were still trying to save me while your wings are falling off. Tangina, ang suwerte ko na. Kaya bakit sa tingin mo hindi ako babalik, Sam?"
Hindi ko na alam kung natatawa ba ako o siguro, sinusubukan kong tumawa para itago ang lumalakas na hikbi. My back is slumped and my head is bowed even when there are no tears to hide anymore. Kuyom ang mga kamao ko sa aking hita at umaalog ang mga balikat.
"And I came back this time not because I am expecting you to save me again when times get rough. I've been scared for too long, feared living my days... hanggang ngayon walang nagbago. Takot ko pa rin ang mabuhay na wala ka."
I gasped and looked at him straight in the eyes without a slight decency to wipe the mess out of my face. And from there, like a prey with a hopeless case of escape, we locked ourselves within the world that is our own. I see paradise, I hear flames. I wince at the memory of our battles. My heart races at the call of his agonized screams, as if his desperate rage tries to wake up my heart for another beat. I hear my babies' cries, then there's storm and a drizzle. I watch our shadows moving to the tunes of a lullaby, the other one fades, until there was only mine. The last dance of hope in the night before I fall onto the floor with a thud grasping on his white shirt, breathing faith one last time.
We stared at each other in deafening silence. No more sniffing, not a single word spoken but just my tears mutely falling as the vestiges of his confession and nostalgia sheathed our sore wounds in its satin warmth.
He is there in front of me, half-bare as he pours out his soul. I'm here on the other side barefaced, vulnerable to cradle the remaining blood in our wounds.
Ramdam ko pa rin ang pag-alog ng katawan ko dahil sa kaba. My lips parted, I released a quivering sigh.
"You're so sure of me, huh?" I let out a pained nervous chuckle. "Ganoon ka kasigurado sa akin."
Kalmado ang ngiti niya habang may bahid ng sakit at pangungulila sa mga mata.
"I never doubted your faith, Samara, when I have none. In a way, your faith in us has become my hope for another shot at many lifetimes."
I smiled in my aching heart. We are still coated in silence but the excruciating drilling inside me seems to carve brand new cuts.
"So is the gamble worth it, Sam?" Tahimik niyang tanong.
I pulled a honeyed smile. It was indeed a risky gamble. And the only weapon he had against dangerous fate was not a gun, but his heart and his hope for second chances.
Sumugal nga siya sa isang tanong na iyon. Kasi paano pala kung hindi ako pumayag? Probably we'd still end up to where we are now except that I wasn't married to him. And in that way, he could have women, left and right. Or... would he have been determined enough to change his life if he finds out I was married, and we never were? Babalik pa rin kaya siya kung halos wala na siyang babalikan sa akin?
Now even after all the fears and doubts frequently racing above thrill and joy at his return, I knew...
"Yes. It is worth it." My voice cracked.
I smiled wider, tapos ay nagseryoso ulit.
"But I still have my reservations, Angelov. I... want to start again. Know you again..."
Tumango siya. "Naiintindihan ko."
I think I made the right choice, at least for me. Dahil dito ako mas kumportable, ang magdahan-dahan muna. Medyo nabali nga lang iyon kagabi nang sinunggban na namin ang isa't isa. But now that our raging desires are more tamed... a bit gratified, and controlled, I should only take this chance to do what is more appropriate and better for us.
Later that day, nagpahatid ako sa condo ni Quentin para magbihis at pag-iisipan pa kung kukunin din ba ang iilang mga gamit. I texted him an hour ago and so far, I haven't received a reply. Though I have spare keys but I still want to let him know that I'm going to his place for my stuff.
"Malapit ang working office mo sa condo niya?" tanong ni Angelov sa tabi ko, parang nagbubuga ng alikabok sa pasinghal na tono.
He's not driving the car so we're both in the back seat. Driver yata ito ng kapatid niya na hindi ko alam gusto niya bang ipakilala. He mentioned last night he dealt with the rest of the exhibit so I must have seen him already. Baka hindi niya kamukha?
"Yeah." I pulled my lips and veered the topic off from a Silvestre. "How long have you been here in Manila, by the way? Galing kang Cebu?"
"I'm on and off in Cebu. I arrived two nights before the event. Kapatid ko ang nag-asikaso sa lahat kaya noong isang gabi lang ako dumating."
"May I ask from where?"
Isang beses niya akong sinulyapan bago binalik ang tingin sa harap. "Italy."
"Oh..."
I was invited in Milan for its seasonal fashion week. Kung tinuloy ko pala ang pagpunta roon, baka roon pa kami unang magkikita! Pero siguro hindi rin dahil saan ba sa Italy siya nagpunta? Isa pa, kagabi yata ang intensyon niyang magpakita sa lahat. *
But if he's already been travelling on and off the country... ang galing niyang magtago na wala talagang nakakakilala sa kanya.
A while ago, I finally get to check my phone and instead of replying to a hundred messages, I was halted by the news notifications. His face is in every news medium worldwide. Indeed it was a huge exposé, especially for his tormentors and the prinicipal suspects for what we have all believed was his death.
This must be why Quentin is out of reach. He's probably working on his family's case and Angelov beside me, kada segundong tumutunog ang cellphone niya at sinusundan ng mga pagtitipa.
He accepted a call once and I instantly heard a man's voice on the other line. Nakikinig ako nang marahan siyang tumatawa tapos ay minura ang nasa kabilang linya.
"I declined. Magulo. Ang daming media," aniya sa kanyang katawagan. "Uuwi rin kami bukas diyan-- Yeah, I'm with Sam." Sinulyapan niya ako habang nakikinig sa nagsasalita. "Oh, uuwi rin anak mo? Susunduin ba namin? Oh, okay. We'll see you then."
I looked at him but he's still occupied replying to a message. Pansin ang tingin ko, bumaling siya sa akin.
"Kuya," simpleng sabi nito at may sinagot na namang tawag. This time, his brows furrowed. "Your fiancée is craving what?!"
Kasabay ng pagbunyag ng marami pang mga eskandalo ay ang pagkakalantad din ng mga paintings ni Angelov. And because he has Filipino blood, of course a lot have expressed their pride especially in social media. I even saw several posts thirsting over him. I learned from the online article I'm reading that last night was his first leg of the exhibit. The interviews he had from the media declared there are more to come outside the country.
"Kunin mo na mga gamit mo," nag-uutos agad siya nang dumating kami sa condo. At walang tao.
"It takes time. Magbibihis lang ako. We'll go back here later, okay? I need to meet a stylist at eleven and an interview with an influencer."
Speaking of influencer, one who attended last night caught Angelov and I in her video vlog. Kaya may iilang headlines din na nabanggit ako at hindi pa rin natatanggal ang bansag nila sa akin na apo ng isang Graciella Vidaurri.
"And here comes the princess!"
Maingay na bungad sa akin ni Cher pagkarating namin sa office. Angelov got stuck by the door talking to someone, I'd say an art enthusiast or a media staff.
"Good morning, Cher." I settled in my desk and opened my laptop.
"Sooo..." may landi at may kahulugan niyang usisa. "Last night? Details? C'mon, don't be rude."
"We talked," I absentmindedly said as I clicked my email.
"Ngee? Iyon lang?"
Natawa ako sa tono niyang parang nabinat ang bibig.
"Oo, ano pa ba?"
He's looking at me weirdly. Natawa ako at pinagpatuloy ang pagsagot sa email na tatlong araw nang unread sa inbox ko.
"But I heard you went home with him and..." Lumapit siya at sinisinghot-singhot ako. "I can still smell Santal 33 on you!"
I sighed. "I always bring my scents with me even my palo santo and sage. Alam mo iyan. You can search my purse if you want."
"Hmp." Humalukiphip siya at ayaw pa rin maniwala.
Napailing ako at binalikan ang trabaho. Pero hindi rin iyon nagtagal nang marinig ko ang apak ng boots ni Evrose. I greeted her then asked her whereabouts after last night. Pero parang may matinding misyon siya sa napakaseryosong mukha habang lumalapit. Nang tumigil siya sa desk ko, hinarap sa akin ang screen ng kanyang cellphone.
It's in one of the social media sites where a non-recent stolen shot of Angelov is posted. He's sporting a shoulder-length hair. Mukhang lagpas balikat pa nga.
"He went from Jesus." Evrose pointed at the stolen photo before sliding to a close-up shot of Anglov from last night, smirking. "To this one who takes you away from Jesus. Choose your savior."
"Ano ba! Hindi ba kayo pinapanginigan?" Sabay binalingan ang pinto.
Lumingon si Angelov sa amin. Ako ang unang nag-iwas bago ba siya mang-usisa sa pagbaling ko.
"He knows it, trust me. He knows he's hot and is being unapologetic about it. Ang maganda lang talaga ay hindi niya ginagamit ang itsura niya for his advantage, because we've all seen it. He's undeniably talented. His rockstar charisma is just a bonus. And let's not forget his violent sex appeal. Off the charts!"
"And that is speaking as an ex-girlfriend, Ev?" panunuya ni Cher.
"I'm speaking as a fan. Actually, I've been a fan of his paintings without the slightest knowledge that he's the Angelov we've all known! Heck, I've been suggesting his works to my clients and so far, they all praised me for my excellent taste." She smiled proudly, then frowned at me. "So anong nangyari kagabi? Nag-usap kayo?"
Nagbuntong hininga ako sa paulit-ulit na tanong. I nodded and lazily clicked another web search window.
"And...?" Pahabang tanong niya na tumulis sa huli.
"I asked the same thing," si Cher.
I stopped typing and flattened my hands on the desk. Ningitian ko sila na parehong uhaw na uhaw sa mga detalye. I really want to bond with them now that the three of us are complete, sadyang may priorities lang talaga akong kailangan tapusin lalo't uuwi kami bukas. Tatawagan ko pa nga si Mama. Mag-iimpake pa ako. Iniisip ko rin ang mararamdaman ng mg anak ko.
"Guys, let's just get back to work. The details can wait."
"So may detalye nga?!" Parang tatalon si Cher sa excitement.
"Ano ba 'yan! Wala man lang... Pitong taon din iyon noh!"
"O baka tigang lang talaga tayo."
"Excuse me?" Si Evrose, mukhang offended. "Hindi ako tigang noh!"
Hinayaan ko na silang magtawanan habang lumalayo. Mabuti na lang din at hindi na sila nang-usisa pa pero tungkol pa rin sa exhibit kagabi ang pinag-usapan.
Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pakikinig ng tawag nang mapansin na nasa pinto pa rin si Angelov. Iba na ang kausap. It was a group of young men, one is a familiar model slash actor. Naisip ko na baka sa kabilang studio ang sadya nila at nahagip si Lov kaya nakipagkamustahan.
"Okay noted. I'll see if I'm available."
Pagkababa ko ng phone ay siya ring paglapit ni Angelov sa desk ko. I turned to see the young men but they were already off the doorway, maliban sa isa na humahabol ng kaway kay Cher.
Tumayo ako nang tuluyan na siyang makalapit. I pressed a hand on my white turtleneck lace top and awkwardly trying to dust off an inexistent stain. Sinubukan ko ring ayusin ang nakabalot ritong tweed blazer ko saka siya maayos na hinarap.
"Hi, busy ka?" tanong niya.
Halos matawa ako. He sounded so innocent asking me.
"Naghihintay na lang sa stylist. She'd be here in..." I peered on my wristwatch "Fifteen minutes. Why? You want to grab some lunch?"
Umiling siya at mukhang malalim ang isip. "May naalala lang ako sa pinag-usapan natin kanina. Your reservations?"
"What about it?"
"So..." He cleared his throat and cautiously devoured another step close to me. "By starting again and knowing each other meaning... no sex?"
Nakapako ako sa krus ng gulat. How was he able to pronounce that without stammering?
Nilingon ko ang dalawa sa kanilang mga mesa. Nagtakip si Cher ng magazine sa mukha pero nakikita ko ang panginginig ng balikat niya at ang lutong ng pigil na hagikhik. Si Evrose na nakatayo sa tabi niya, hinampas siya ng ballpen at natatawa na rin.
I pursed my lips as I returned my attention back to him. I uttered a firm, "No.
He made a sad face.
"Aww... How unfortunate." Tapos ay bumaba ang tingin sa gitna ng pantalon niya. "Kawawa naman tayo."
I can't help but snicker which later turned into an echoing laughter. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko habang natatawa. Sa kabila ay mahina ko siyang hinampas ng papel.
"How long?"
Nanatili ang aliw, kumunot ang noo ko. "Which one?"
Siya naman ang natawa. I can listen to it all day. Reminds me how he used to laugh like that with blatant teasing tones to it in the past.
Kalaunan ay parang nakuha ko na ang dahilan ng tuwa niya. Matagal bago ko natanto ang sariling tanong na agad nagbigay ng malisya sa kanya! Nataranta ako.
"W-wait, that's not what I meant! Ano ba kasi ang tinanong mo?" Uminit ang pisngi ko.
He's shaking his head. The tip of his tongue made repeated quick sweeps in between his lips in the middle of suppressed laughters.
"Alam mo ang ibig kong sabihin. C'mon, Sammie, you can do better than that."
Tumitig ako sa kanya saka sa pantalon niya at balik muli sa kanyang mukha bago bumaling sa gilid. Mas nag-apoy ang mukha ko. What does he mean?I really didn't get it.
Inangat niya ang mga kamay sa bawat gilid ng aking mukha. Akala ko ay papalakpak siya, pero kinuwadro niya ang mukha ko. With his hands on my cheeks, he shook my head lightly, left and right. Marahan niyang nilapit ang noo niya sa akin at kitang-kita ko ang gigil niyang kinakagat ang ibabang labi, para bang nanggigigil na ipitin ang mukha ko.
Not too far from us, I heard my friends' controlled shrieks and snickers.
Akala ko ay bibitawan na niya ang mukha ko. Instead, he pressed my cheeks deeper until my lips pout. Nagsalubong ang kilay ko.
"Stop playing with my face," I mumbled.
Kahit hindi siya nakanguso, sa simpleng pagpipigil niya ng ngisi ay mas nagiging prominente ang cheekbones niya. Longing and amusement were both dancing in his eyes.
"Ganito mukha ni Dorcas kapag nagtatampo," aniya.
Hindi ko napigilan ang lakas ng tawa ko. He chuckled too. His eyebrows arched as if encouraging me to agree.
Pero... unti-unti akong natitigilan.
Kung nakita niya ang mukha ni Dorcas ay wala namang kaso sa akin. Pero ang malaman ang iba pa nitong ekspresyon... lalo na kapag nagtatampo...
How does he know that?