A/N: Trigger warning ⚠️ Domestic Abuse.
October 2003
Dear Diary,
I want my Daddy. I hate it here. I don't understand what anyone's saying and Karl is always shouting at us. Mum says he's just stressed, but I know it's more than that. He hits Mum, and he hits Sisi too. I hear her crying at nighttime. I want to go to her, to comfort her, but I'm too scared. I'm not even ten yet but even I know what he does is wrong. I don't know how Mum can defend him like she does. She's supposed to protect us. I wish... there's no point wishing. Wishes never come true.
Dear Diary,
Sisi has a boyfriend. It's so good to see her happy. He's called Sebastian, and he's a racing driver. She brought him around one day when Karl was at work and Mum was God knows where. Sebastian is so nice! And he's so cute. He has blonde hair and the most blue eyes I've ever seen. Sisi is so lucky. He was really interested in talking to me and Joel, he asked us about school and our interests. I hope one day I meet someone like Sebastian, not someone ugly and evil like Karl.
Dear Diary,
Why doesn't Mum love us? If she did she wouldn't treat us like this. There's never any food. All the money goes on drink and drugs. I shouldn't even know what drugs are at my age. Joel told me that Mum's sick. He tells me that he'll always look after me. I love him so much. I really don't know what I'd do without him. Sienna's hardly here anymore. She's always at Seb's house. I don't blame her. If she's not here Karl can't hurt her. She hasn't forgotten us though. Sometimes they take us out when Seb's not racing. They make sure we have a decent meal. I miss her so much, but I'm glad she's safe and happy.
November 2003
Dear Diary,
Happy birthday to me. For my present I got my first beating from Karl. Mum just stood there and watched. She was probably glad that it wasn't her. Sienna's officially left home now. She came one day and collected all her stuff. She said Karl won't hurt us as we're young. If we do what he says we'll be ok. She was wrong, but we agreed not to tell her. We want her to be happy, but she wouldn't be if she knew Karl was hurting us.
September 2004
Dear Diary,
I haven't written anything in so long. Life is just too rubbish to write anything. Karl regularly hits me and Joel now. He makes sure he hits us where the bruises don't show. We tell Sienna that everything's ok, we don't want to spoil her happiness. At least we have each other. That's how we survive.
May 2005
Dear Diary,
It's getting worse. Mum and Karl are always stoned or drunk. Stoned is ok. We still don't get food often but at least Karl is too out of it to bother about us. Drunk is bad. When he's drunk he takes it out on us.
Last weekend was good. Seb was home and took me and Joel to get pizza. Sienna wasn't feeling very well so it was just us and Seb. He is amazing. I hope Sienna appreciates how lucky she is. He is so handsome. His eyes are so beautiful. His lips so kissable.
One day I hope a boy kisses me. I hope someone loves me the way Seb loves Sisi.
August 2005
Dear Diary,
I feel like the worst sister in the world. I was so hungry. I hadn't been allowed food for two days so I snuck a piece of pork pie out of the fridge. It didn't take Karl long to find out it had gone. And he blamed Joel. Joel knew it was me but he took the blame. Karl punched him in the face. This bruise would show. I cried out and told the truth. That's when Karl kicked me hard.
Joel held me and promised me he'd always look after me. Then after Mum and Karl went out he rang Sienna. He told her what happened.
Together they made a plan. Sienna rang Dad and he said he'll come and take us back to the UK. I don't know how that will work. Mum and Karl will just tell the police and get us back.
Dear Diary,
Today we left Germany. Seb and Sienna came and got us once Mum and Karl had gone out. Sienna took our passports out of the kitchen drawer and then Seb drove us back to his parents' house. His Mum and Dad are so nice. His Mum gave me a big slice of fruit cake she'd baked. Why can't my Mum be like this? Soon after we arrived there was a knock at the door. Dad had arrived. He gave us the biggest hug ever and told us how much he'd missed us. How he'd wanted to see us but Mum wouldn't let him.
We had to leave pretty much straight away. We couldn't risk Karl and Mum stopping us from going. I cried and cried. I didn't want to leave Sisi and Seb. I know they will be ok, but I'll miss them so much. I don't know when, or even if I'll ever see them again.
April 2006
Dear Diary,
I still miss Sisi and Seb but I'm beginning to love it here in Chesterfield. Grandad Bob has moved in with us and we are a happy family. Dad is the best dad ever. He works so hard so we can have the things we need. We may not have everything but we are loved, and that's what's really important.
June 2007
Dear Diary,
What a fantastic day! We watched the Formula 1 on the television. Sebastian has made it! He drove in his first Grand Prix. He finished 8th and got a point! I cut his picture out of the newspaper the day after. I'm going to keep it here in my diary. We owe him and Sisi so much. Thanks to them we can have a normal life.
September 2008
Dear Diary,
SEB WON!!! Omg he was amazing. He only went and won at Monza! I am so proud of him. I saw Sisi on the television too. She was crying. Oh I miss them so much.
November 2009
Dear Diary,
Seb finished second in the championship this year! He won the last race today in Abu Dhabi. He is going to win the championship next year. I know he is!
It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to be 16! Only two more years and I'll be an adult and I can contact Sisi and Seb. I'm just going to have a quiet day with Dad and Grandad. Joel's away at uni now. I miss him so much but I know he's working towards his future. He wants to be a race car mechanic. Perhaps he'll even work on Seb's car one day!
May 2010
Dear Diary,
I really don't know where to start. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Dad has cancer. It's in his brain and he's going to die. I don't know what to do. I can't lose him! I love him so much. He's the best Dad ever. I'm not going to cry in front of him. I don't want his last days to be full of tears. I'm going to look after him. I want his last days to be full of love. Life is so unfair! He doesn't deserve this. He deserves to grow old surrounded by his kids and grandkids. He hasn't got long. I need to stay strong.
August 2010
He's dead.
October 2010
Dear Diary,
I haven't written in a while. I haven't done anything to write about. All I've done is sit in my room staring at the wall. I'm lost without Dad. Even getting A stars in my GCSEs didn't make me happy. How can I be happy when my Dad isn't here?
I was supposed to be starting college but I just can't shake this crippling depression. Joel and Grandad try their best but I need time, time to get used to a world without him.
Dear Diary,
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse.... Tonight I actually felt hungry. I went downstairs to get something to eat. Joel and Grandad were talking in the lounge. I overheard what they were saying. Grandad had got in touch with Sisi asking for her help. He'd told her that Dad had died and apparently she didn't want to know. She'd told grandad that it was best to leave the past in the past and get on with life.
I'm broken. I always thought that one day I'd go back to Sisi and Seb. I guess she doesn't love us any more. Or maybe they're just embarrassed of us now Seb's close to winning a world championship.
I don't want to hear their names anymore. I don't want to watch the races. They've abandoned me, abandoned Joel. I'm going to concentrate on Joel and Grandad. They're the ones that care.
June 2012
Dear Diary,
I'm in love! His name is Dean Talbot and he's a friend of Joel's. He's been trying to get with me for a few weeks now. He's bought me flowers and chocolates. I wasn't sure at first as I have to leave for Oxford in September, but I can't help it. I love him. We started dating, and last night I lost my virginity to him.
Joel's been having some problems with drink and I'm worried that he's taking drugs. I really don't know what to do. I hope he gets himself sorted before it's too late.
September 2012
Dear Diary,
I've decided to take a gap year and go to Oxford next year. Dean's asked me to move in with him. We've got a little flat on the other side of town. He can be a little critical of me sometimes but he loves me and wants what's best for me. I just need to start behaving more like a good girlfriend, so the lilac hair has got to go. He doesn't like the attention it gets me. He says I'm just a show off. I guess I should grow up anyway, so it's back to being a brunette.
June 2013
Dear Diary,
Joel has gone into rehab. I'm happy he's getting the help he needs. I've decided to take another gap year. Dean thinks it's for the best. He says I'd be out of my depth alone in Oxford and that I need him to look after me. He knows what's best. I just wish he could be a little nicer sometimes. He says I'm fat and useless. Then after he'll apologise and tell me how much he loves me and how he'd die if I ever left him.
December 2013
Dear Diary,
Joel's back! He looks great. So much healthier and happier. I wish I could say the same about Dean. He's using drugs. He's drinking too. I work in a cafe but he takes my wages and spends it on drugs. Sometimes I don't even have money for food.
I've lost so much weight. Dean says I look so much sexier but I feel ill. Joel noticed something was wrong straight away. He thought I was using! When I told him the truth he became angry. I hate people becoming angry. It reminds me of Karl. He went out and came back with fish and chips for me. I ate it so quick it gave me hiccups.
He said he'll bring me food when he can but he wasn't going to bring any for Dean. He hates Dean now. I just want Dean to stop the drugs. I still love him. He's the only one that will ever love me. I have to stick with him.
February 2014
Dear Diary,
Dean's told me I'm not to see Joel unless he's there. He's stopped me from seeing my friends too, he says they're trying to turn me against him. He says he's all I need.
November 2014
Dear Diary,
Dean hit me today. I'm too scared to leave him. He said if I do he'll make me regret it. All I'd done was burn his toast. He slapped me so hard around the face that I fell to the floor. He called me all sorts of names.
Then he became all apologetic and loving. He's promised it won't happen again.
January 2015
Dear Diary,
He lied when he said he'd never do it again. He hits me at least once a week. He always manages to make me feel like it's my fault.
Then yesterday afternoon he came home totally off his face. He'd been smoking cannabis. I could smell it on him.
I hadn't got his tea ready as I'd had to work an hour extra. He flew at me, attacking me. He kicked me, he punched me. I thought he was going to kill me. I begged him to stop but my pleas seemed to fuel his rage even more. Eventually he stopped and fell asleep in the armchair.
I grabbed my phone and ran as fast as I could to Joel's flat. I broke down and told him everything. He was fuming. He wanted to go round and beat the shit out of Dean. I begged him not to as I don't want him ending up in trouble.
He agreed to stay away but convinced me to talk to the police. I went to the hospital. I had two broken ribs, a broken collar bone, multiple bruises and a split lip. I'm waiting for the police to arrive now to take my statement. I'm broken and bruised but I'm away from him. That's what counts.
April 2015
Dear Diary,
Dean got twelve months in prison. I feel free. I've started regaining weight and yesterday I dyed my hair lilac again! I feel like the old me is back. We are going out tonight for Joel's 24th birthday! I keep teasing him that he's getting old.
For the first time in a long time I let myself think of Sienna. She'd be twenty eight now. I typed Seb's name into Google. Turns out they're married with a daughter called Naomi. I have a niece. I'd love to meet her, but I guess I never will.
I've accepted things now. I have to make the most of what I do have.
October 2015
Dear Diary,
Dean's out of prison. He only served six months. I bumped into him in town the other day. He's clean now and he's more like the Dean I fell in love with. He's full of remorse for what he did to me. He said he still loves me. He wants to try again. I'm not sure. I guess there's part of me that does still love him. He's the only one who's ever loved me.
I'm meeting him for coffee tomorrow. We are going to start off as friends and see how it goes. I won't tell Joel just yet. He'll be angry.
November 2015
Dear Diary,
I'm back with Dean. He really has changed. He's always telling me how beautiful I am. Joel found out though. He's furious with me. He said I'm stupid. That men like Dean will never change. He ranted and raved. I was scared. Then he told me that he's done with me. If I'm with Dean then he doesn't want to know me.
So I've lost my brother as well as my sister. Grandad doesn't like Dean either, so I guess I have no family. Dean is all I have now.
March 2016
Dear Diary,
It's started again. A kick here, a slap there. The drugs, the drink. I can't go to Joel this time. I've made my bed. I have to lie in it.
He calls me ugly. He calls me fat. He calls me useless. He made me dye my hair back to brown. I'd tried writing again but he ripped it all up saying it's a load of crap.
I threatened to leave him but he said no one else would want me. That I'm so undesirable. That he has to force himself to fuck me. I wish he wouldn't. I never enjoy it, I never have but I know how much he likes it and I don't want to deny him. I don't want to anger him so I just lay there while he pounds away. I get called frigid and other disgusting words.
If he's particularly angry with me he's rough and it hurts. He leaves bruises all over me. From hitting me, from pinching me. He's even bit me before!
September 2016
Dear Diary,
I keep seeing Joel around town but he won't even look at me. Inside I'm screaming for help but I know it's my fault. I made the choice to go back to Dean. I have no right trying to involve Joel again. I miss him so much. He's my best friend. Was my best friend.
November 2016
Dear Diary,
Dean came home last week and told me we were
moving. I didn't want to but I knew I had no choice. If I refused he'd beat me again. He told me we were going to stay with a friend of his in Bournemouth . I guessed he was running because he owed someone drug money.
So that night we loaded the car up and left Chesterfield behind.
January 2018
Dear Diary,
It's been a while since I wrote. My life reached rock bottom. I even considered ending it all. Dean continued to use me as a punchbag. I saw no way out. The police got in touch saying Joel had reported me missing. I told them I was ok and I didn't want him to know where I was.
Then back last summer I met Cherry. She'd just moved here from Jamaica. I met her down the park one day. I'd ran to escape another row. We got talking and became firm friends. We met whenever we could. I confided in her about Dean. She gave me her number and told me I could call her any time of night or day.
A few weeks later, after a particularly bad beating, I could take no more. Dean had gone out to the pub, his friend that we were living with was in a stoned stupor. I rang Cherry in tears. She told me she was coming to get me. I packed a backpack with a few essentials and waited outside.
I asked her if she could take me to Chesterfield. I wanted Joel. I wanted Grandad.
When we got there we headed straight for Joel's place. I knocked the door. A strange woman answered. I asked if Joel was there. She told me he no longer lived there. I got back in the car and we went round to Grandad's. I knocked on the door. Liz next door was in her garden. She told me Grandad and Joel had moved away. They'd gone to live nearer Joel's work.
I really was alone. I burst into tears. Cherry told me I could move into her spare room. I vowed that I'd find a job and pay my way. I wasn't going to be a burden on anyone.
February 2018
Dear Diary,
Dean was sentenced to five years in prison for ABH and possession of a class B drug. Cherry had convinced me to press charges for what he'd done to me. My new life starts now. I have a new job in a bar, it's not much but it's enough to pay the rent, to get by and save a little towards a college course. I want to get back to writing. I still dream that one day I will be a children's author. Stupid I know.
I've changed my name back to Harper. Dean never knew Ashton wasn't my real surname. I don't want him to find me when he gets out.
I miss Joel every day. And Grandad. I hope wherever they are that they're happy and healthy.
I hope one day I can get back to the girl I was before all this. That one day I will find someone who loves me and who I love in return. Dean's words still haunt me. Am I really unlovable? Undesirable? Fat and stupid?
Maybe one day I'll be able to trust someone again. Maybe one day someone will love me. First though I have to learn to love myself again.