Song played for this chapter: Heaven by Julia Michaels
Love's my religion, but he was my faith
I lay my head back against the cold metal pole, arching my back against it as I slowly run my hand down the length of my abdomen and between my legs. The lights are blinding, being aimed right at me as I move for everyone else's pleasure.
The strobe lights occasionally bounce off of the crowd and back to me, causing the glitter on my lingerie to occasionally shift colours.
I can feel someone's eyes on me and when I look down, my breath hitches in my throat because Sapphire is right there, her eyes wandering over my entire body with a look that tells me she enjoys what she sees. My hands come to rest on my knees as I spread them apart in front of her, lowering down onto the stage so I'm able to collect the money that is being thrown up for me to collect as my song plays in the background.
All wrapped in one, he was so many sins
Once I'm back on the pole, I bring my thighs up to wrap around it, hoisting myself up. Once I'm high enough, I let go of the grip that my hands have on the pole and let my thighs do the work as I hang upside down, pointing my bright red heels up towards the ceiling.
I put all of my trust in my core strength, hair swaying behind me as the pole turns.
The pole rotates with me on it, getting a view of the entire crowd and it's busy tonight. September comes out whenever the chorus hits, climbing up onto one of the other poles and of course I'm captivated by her and how elegantly she makes the pole become hers.
They say "All good boys go to heaven, but bad boys bring heaven to you,"
Before I know it, September is taking long strides over to me right as I use my core to lift up on the pole and release my legs so that I'm able to use my hands to swing around it. I come to a stop once September is right in front of me, holding a bowl of maraschino cherries that are dripping with juice.
A cherry is being dangled over my lips, the juices slipping off of the bottom of it and making it's way down my chin to leave red streaks. I don't even have to think twice before I'm opening my mouth up, sticking out my tongue so that she's able to place it into my mouth. She holds onto the stem though as I bite down, placing the stem in her own mouth once I've bitten it off and I can see her jaw move, gaze intense on me.
She's creating a knot.
My suspicions are confirmed as she moves to place her hands on either side of my face, tongue pushing the knot out and letting the end of it press between my lips. Without even being prompted, I take the end between my teeth and pull so that I'm able to make the knot even tighter.
Money is being thrown at our feet with this interaction. It's a no brainer really, this will for sure be all September's considering this was her idea.
I fucking love women.
I still remember the moment we met, the touch that he planted, the garden that he left
The song comes to an end and September moves to grasp my hand, tugging me towards the locker rooms and away from all of the prying eyes that are on me as if they're piranhas and I'm the fish that they consume.
A soft hum falls from my nude, not red lips once we're backstage. I move to sit down on the bench that is closest to my locker. "Hand me your money bag," I smile, taking it from Septembers' outstretched hand. Once I have it in my possession, I unzip said bag and place her half of the money into the bag before handing it back. "Clever little move you pulled up on stage there," the sides of my lips twitch up to form a smirk. I swiftly turn around on the bench, facing the lockers so I can go through my bag to grab my chapstick. I uncap the chapstick, dragging it over my lips as I put my money bag inside of my locker. I make sure to shut it, locking it back.
I quickly turn back around so that I'm facing September, giving her my full, undivided attention.
September lifts her shoulders up into a shrug as she turns around, "You have been off as late," she begins, "decided to have a little moment with you. Have been wanting to for a while anyways," a little giggle falls from her lips, moving to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. She then moves over to where the vanities are, grabbing some hairspray and spraying it over her hair to retain some of the volume.
"Yeah," a familiar voice speaks up and I can feel my heart rate pick up just a bit, "you have been off as late," Sapphire mutters, crossing her arms over her chest as her eyes meet mine. Despite being apart for so long, it's like not even a day has passed by as we make eye contact.
"Think that's my cue to leave...something is...phone call to make. Yup," September nods, completely forgetting her phone which is on the vanity as she exits the locker room.
A small laugh leaves my lips because that's such a September thing to do.
"I don't think I've been off," I deflect, moving to look down at my thighs.
"Bullshit. You look away from me when you're lying. You're forgetting that I know you," she mumbles, hands falling to her side. I know because I can hear the sound as her hands make contact with her legs. Her footsteps grow closer and closer until I can see her black heels as she enters my eyesight.
"You've been ignoring my texts which you never do. At least have the decency to open them," she grumbles, arms coming back up to cross over her chest again as my eyes finally raise to meet with hers.
"You've been off since that day..." she drowns off, narrowing her eyes at me before something seems to click. "Wait a minute. Your entire face changed whenever I opened the door," she continues, starting to pace back and forth.
I can tell that she's creating an evidence board in her head, connecting the dots of what went wrong.
"Wait," she then stops, eyes turning towards me frantically and she's stepping up towards me again.
"Don't tell me you think I slept with Harry,"
"Uh...yes," I breathe out, my tone making me sound unsure of myself. There's no denying it. "You were wearing his clothes, no pants and you had love bites on your neck. What was I supposed to think?" I breathe out, eyebrows furrowing as I hold her eye contact.
"You think, me, your best friend," she then points to herself, "would sleep with someone I know that you have started to like?" She's breathless as she speaks, voice dripping with confusion, if I try to think about it too much I could say I hear a bit of hurt.
I fish-mouth for a few moments, opening and closing my mouth before finally answering. "Uh...yes?" I breathe out, however, it comes out as more of a question.
"Wait, I don't like Harry," I huff, moving to cross my arms over my chest to mirror her. I may have admitted it to myself but I'm not ready to admit it outloud.
"That's also bullshit but we'll come back to that. We need to address what we're talking about right now," Sapphire moves to sit beside me on the bench, turning sideways so that she is straddling the bench, one leg on either side. "Gonna need you to look right at me when I say this so you know I'm not lying," she says, voice gentle.
She's always so gentle. Her touch. Her words. Her aura. Everything.
Her aura is like a bright yellow, brighter than the sun.
I do what she asks, turning so that I'm facing her and am now straddling the bench.
"I'm going to walk you through the events of that night, yes?"
All I can do is nod in response, letting Sapphire take my hand as she begins to trace mindlessly over the lines on my palm.
"I picked up a shift because what else have I got to do?" she laughs, the corners of her eyes crinkling and I can't help but smile at how effortlessly beautiful she is. "Anyways, that's besides the point. I come into work and some of the boys are here because of course they are. They were having a meeting with Tony and then when that was over, they stopped to watch the show. Harry left early," she breathes out, searching my eyes and I'm confused as to why until it clicks.
Harry left early. She didn't leave with Harry. That doesn't explain anything though. Maybe she went over afterwards?
She's continuing whenever I don't speak up right away. "After my set I decided to go to the bar, have a few drinks and dance with a few patrons. That's when Liam came up to me. Liam and I have been getting closer to each other over the past few weeks, he's just so sweet and funny," she grins and I can see exactly where this is going.
"Harry's place is closer than Liam's, so we ended up going to Harry's. He wasn't there at the time but I ended up sleeping with Liam, not Harry," she lifts her head up a bit so that her eyes meet mine, "I wouldn't do that to you. The reason I had Harry's clothes on was because he felt bad and gave me a spare change of clothes. Didn't want me to walk around in only lingerie from the club,"
And that does make sense. Now that I'm able to take a step back and look at the full picture, it all clicks. Realistically, I know Sapphire would never do that but there was always that little voice in the back of my head. Sapphire may not do that but I wouldn't put it past Harry.
"Oh," I breathe out, just letting my brain take everything in as I slowly but surely nod. "Fuck, I'm sorry," I sigh, moving to rub my hands down my face. I'm grateful that I found out now because I was about to get off of work and swing by Harry's to go off on him for no reason. I can almost picture the confusion that would've taken over his features.
"Do you happen to know why Harry invited me over?" I then ask.
Sapphire lifts her shoulders up into a shrug before she's pushing herself up from the bench. "No idea but I need a drink. Care to join me? Think we both need to forget about the past few days. You especially...think I see a few grey hairs," she smirks, moving to pluck a hair from my head.
My mouth falls agape as a hand comes up to rub at my head, taking her outstretched hand with the other so she can help me up from the bench. "Definitely not greying over a man," I huff.
"Oh! So you admit that you do like him," she hums, not dropping my hand even though I'm already standing up. Sapphire leads me out of the locker room and towards the bar. "Reese!" Sapphire shouts before holding two fingers up. "Two vodka sodas, please. Light on the soda, heavy on the vodka. Thanks," she hums, moving to lean against the bartop instead of sitting on the stools.
I decide to mirror what she's doing, moving to rest my chin on her shoulder as I watch the bartender make the drinks.
"Don't think that's quite what I said, no?" I ask, tilting my head to the side some as I pick my glass up. I remove the olive first, biting it off of the toothpick before handing it over to the bartender who I have now learnt is named Reese.
"Quit lying to yourself. You have too much up here," she sighs, moving to tap the side of my head. "At least admit this one little, small thing, yeah? Make room for the big things you keep to yourself,"
I just stare at her for a few minutes, glancing down at the vodka soda before I'm downing it, welcoming the burn as it makes its way down my oesophagus and into my stomach. It burns the entire way down and I've missed the feeling. I've missed partying. I've missed hanging out with everyone as a group. All because I saw two seconds of something and let my mind speed run to a conclusion as if it was a race. I should've stopped and asked more questions.
Nothing is going to change the past despite how much I wish I could go back.
I just have to deal with it now and realise that instead of running from potential problems, I should run towards them. No one is always right. At least not a hundred percent right.
We share about three more drinks as the night goes on and then the clock strikes 03:33 am.
A soft sigh falls from my lips as Sapphire and I make our way into the crowd, pushing past the sweaty bodies of people rolling their hips together in a desperate manner, just wanting to get a little friction. Once we're near the centre of the crowd, Sapphire drops my hand and turns around so that she's grinding back against me. My hands come to wander over her body, just letting the music sink into my veins and take over.
The sweat gathers on my forehead as we move from the combination of the temperature and everyone else's body heat around me. It's like a sauna in the middle of the dance floor.
A fleeting black figure out of the corner of my eye has me coming to a screeching halt. Everything stops. Time. My movements. My breathing.
I'm getting a big sense of deja vu. The sweaty bodies. The alcohol. The dancing. The only thing that we didn't do this time is the Ecstasy. I've taken zero drugs.
So, why is she here?
It's just for a fleeting moment but I swear she's here. I swear it's Kaia, or at least it looks like her face.
Sapphire pulls my attention back to her by turning around, both of her hands coming up to grip onto my face so that I'm facing her once more.
"Are you okay? You look as if you've just seen a ghost," she breathes out, however, she doesn't give me a second to answer. "C'mon. Think the crowd is too much," she chuckles, starting to pull me through the countless sweaty bodies that seem to be completely unaware of our existence. Each of them are lost in their own little worlds.
It's beautiful.
My heart rate picks up a bit whenever I see her out of the corner of my eye once again. Just as she appears, she disappears though. I'm suddenly on high alert because something doesn't feel right.
"Hey," Sapphire moves to snap her fingers in front of my face, tugging me from my thoughts. "Are you okay?" She yells over the sound of the music which I notice is Chase Atlantic once again.
"Uhm..." I breathe out, doing a full three-sixty. "Something doesn't feel right," I admit, turning back to look at her, using my fingers to run them nervously through my hair. "Maybe it's just mercury being in retrograde or something, I don't know," a weak laugh escapes my lips, not wanting to ruin the night for anyone else.
Sapphire doesn't look the least bit appeased by my admission. "No, we're getting out of here. Come on,"
Sometimes I hate that she can tell when I'm visibly uncomfortable or on the brink of a panic.
Then I see her, except it isn't her.
It's her the day she died.
That's when the first shot goes off and everything is fucking chaos. I'm frozen to my spot though as I watch it all unfold right before my eyes.
Black hoodie, black shirt, black pants, black boots and a black mask. They're here. They're here and their masks have my deceased sister's face on them.
Bodies are falling all around me, blood tainting the flooring of the club. I've seen this before and I didn't like the ending.
"Astar, we've got to go. Let's go," Sapphire frantically rushes out, tugging at my arm. They haven't seen us yet so we most likely have a chance. If we just find Fred. Either finding Fred or attempting to make it to the emergency exits. One of those has to be our best bet but I'm not sure which one.
Eventually, the shock wears off and my training kicks in, moving to shield Sapphire's body with my own as I try to get her ahead of me. "The emergency exit on the second floor is probably the best bet," I rush out, bending down for just the briefest of seconds to check and see if I have any hidden weapons on me at all. Knowing my luck, I don't and of course I don't.
I bring my head up after realizing that I have no weapons on me, noticing that Sapphire didn't come to a stop whenever I did. I've never been more grateful for something in this moment.
However, I hear the shrill of a bullet as it flies past me and from there everything seems to happen in slow motion. I watch as the bullet hits Sapphire right in the back and her movements come to a startling halt. I watch as she comes to fall right to her knees, hands shaking as she clutches onto her front. That can only mean it's a clean shot and there's an exit wound. That's good. That's so fucking good.
It isn't good.
I quickly rush forward after pulling myself from my stupor, the shock wearing off. I remove the flannel that I put on before leaving the locker room. My grip is tight on her, making sure to catch her before she falls, moving to gently laying her down in my arms. I place pressure to her abdomen with my hand, moving the flannel to her back so that I can try to stop the bleeding there. There's so much blood, so much that it's mixing with the other blood that is staining the club floors.
There's still shots ringing out, people getting stepped on and trampled, dead bodies being trampled. The smell of iron reaches my nose along with the smell of the gun shots. My ears are ringing from the gunshot that flew past me. I can feel the floor shake with the intensity of everyone running, trying to find an exit to leave, to leave what has quickly turned into hell on earth but they're either being shot or stepped on.
"Hey," Sapphire breathes out, moving her eyes to look up at me. There are tears in her eyes and I hate it. "There's darkness everywhere," she whispers, eyes coming to a close but it's just so the tears fall from her tear ducts. I blink quickly, lifting my head up to the ceiling to try and stop my own tears from falling because I don't want her to know that I'm crying. I need to remain positive and calm for her.
"Hey, hey," I whisper, reaching my free hand up to very gently wipe from under her eyes. "Can you move your legs for me?" I ask, swallowing the lump in my throat as I look up to watch her legs but I don't see anything happening.
"Am I moving them, Astar?"
I move my gaze up to the ceiling once more, unable to stop the tears that fill my eyes because I'm tired of all of the lies. However, I think this one is okay given the circumstances.
"Yeah, my love. Yeah," I whisper, looking down to make eye contact once more. My hand moves soothingly up and down her arm. "You're moving them. Do you feel any pain?"
Sapphire's tongue comes out to wet her lips, eyes coming to a close once more. She's so still in my arms and all of this feels so familiar. The blood stains. The individuals in black. July 24, 2014. The day my sister passed away. They're the same people who took her from me.
What was their end goal? If they wanted me, why didn't they shoot me? Why did they wait until Sapphire was about five feet away from me? Why did they shoot her? My head is swirling with questions and I'm afraid that I will never get the answers that I no doubt deserve.
Although, right now this isn't about me. It's about my friend who has since stopped answering and her breathing has gotten significantly slower. I can tell by the way her chest is slowly rising and falling. The noises are the most concerning of all as I lay my head down, giving Sapphire a small shake.
The first thing she does is cough, bringing her hand up to catch whatever is coming out of her mouth. Now her hands are also stained with her blood. She's coughing up blood which only means she's drowning in her own blood. The bullet must've nicked her lungs and she's drowning. It managed to nick her lung and from there travelled down to hit somewhere to paralyse her from the waist down, or at least just fuck with her legs somehow.
At least she doesn't feel any pain. I guess there's a small silver lining.
"It's so cold, As. So dark..." she breathes out, so I remove the flannel from under her back and drape it over her. It's covered in her blood but at least it'll provide even the littlest of warmth. I know the end is near and I'll be watching someone else pass in my arms.
"The darkness..." Another cough. More blood. I can feel it cover my bare knees as I press my knee into her back in a last ditch effort to stop the bleeding.
"Hey, hey," I grumble, moving my hand that is free of blood up to cup her cheek as I stare down at her. "I know, I know it's dark, baby. Just listen to the sound of my voice, yeah?" I mumble, feeling the tears as they roll down my cheeks. There's no point in trying to stop them. This is the most pain I've felt in a while and I feel like everything in me is being ripped apart.
I feel as though I'm drowning. As if everything around me is suddenly collapsing. Being followed, Rodney passing and now this. Everything just keeps piling on and I don't know how much more I can take.
"I have a few things I need to tell you, you know? So, just listen to the sound of my voice, just like that one night, yeah?" A soft, wet chuckle falls from my lips as I move to wipe my cheek on my shoulder.
There's no hiding my tears now.
A body falls right next to me and I flinch, completely oblivious to the fact that the shooting is still going on. Where's Fred? September? The other girls? Tony?
I can't take any more deaths tonight.
"My name isn't Astar Lennox. Well, it is Astar but not As--" her finger comes up to brush over my lips. Her fingers are so cold. So cold. She's freezing.
Another cough. More blood. Her hands are stained. Mine are stained. I can taste the iron on my lips from where her finger slowly slid down it.
"I know," there's a lazy smile on her face but my heart sinks to my stomach the second the words register in my brain.
She knows. She knows my real name which means she knows I work for MI6 but how did she know? How long has she known? The entire time?
"You know?"
Another cough into her hand. Her voice is growing weaker and sounds more forced, like she's struggling to force the words out.
The shots are getting louder, closer, more bodies are falling. It's a bloodbath and there are alarms ringing everywhere. Everything is far too loud and I hate it. I don't even think it has fully clicked what's happening.
It hasn't fully clicked that Sapphire is dying. That I'm losing my best friend.
"You know," she forces out, pushing the air out of her lungs that are struggling to inflate with air. I want to tell her that it's better to savour her air because her lungs are filling with blood, but I know it's useless. Sapphire has never been good at listening.
"Astar..." she breathes, forcing her head upwards to lock eyes with me. Her lips are chapped and I want nothing more than to wet them for her. "The darkness...it's you. You're the darkness, it follows..." She takes in a deep breath and the shaking seems to slowly but surely cease. "follows you around..."
I feel her go limp in my arms, her eyes that no longer hold any light in them stare up at me. She's gone. I've seen this before and a sob finally breaks from my lips as I pull Sapphire up into my arms, holding onto her tightly as I pull us backwards and away from the other bodies.
My cheek presses against hers, not even caring about how cold she is to the touch. I just need to hold onto her because if I let go, it's proof that she's gone.
Someone else is grabbing onto me and I refuse to let go of Sapphire. The only thing that makes me look up is the sound of their voice because it's Harry and his men are behind him as well as Fred. He looks okay but frightened and then it hits me. He probably has PTSD from the army and so then I just start crying even harder, hard enough that I'm struggling to breathe. Everything hurts.
"I can't leave her," I choke out, glancing down at Sapphire's lifeless body. Her eyes are no longer open because Harry reaches his hand down to gently close them.
"I know, baby. I know. We need to go. It isn't safe here. We don't know how many shooters there are or if they're even still in the building. We don't know what they're capable of but I know you're the target," his words are soft but I can tell he's frantic. He keeps moving his eyes to look around and he's conveniently placed his body in front of me.
"The boys will grab her, baby. I promise. Please, please trust me on this," Harry turns a bit and pats Fred's shoulder, Fred then comes around so that he's able to gently pry my hands from Sapphire's lifeless body. Is Fred okay? We were all his daughters. He's going to carry one of his daughters out.
"No, no. Please. Harry, please," I choke out, feeling Harry pick my body up and start pulling both of our weights towards the stairs. The emergency exit. It was right fucking there. Why didn't I push Sapphire towards it? She could've made it. Couldn't she?
"All exits have been welded shut. This was pre-planned," Harry explains on our way to the emergency exit, grasping onto my face gently so he can pull me into his chest. I can hear the sound of glass breaking and when I pull back, I realise that he's broken one of the windows. "I need you to trust me, okay? Please, As. Jump," he breathes out, pointing to the bottom.
That's when I notice something I never thought I would ever see.
He's crying. There are tears staining his cheeks and his bottom lip is wobbling. He's scared. Is he scared of the situation or something else?
I glance down at the ground, noticing that Zayn is waiting below with a change of clothes and a sympathetic look on his face.
"Jump," this time Harry's voice breaks and that's what pushes me. I slowly drop my hand from his chest and stand up on the ledge of the window sill before dropping down, catching my fall with ease before looking up at Harry.
I hold my breath, just hoping that he's following suit and he does because a few seconds later he's jumping out of the window and joining me on the ground. Within mere seconds he's enveloping me in a bone-crushing hug, walking the both of us backwards until my back hits a cold surface. An engine is idling and I can only guess that it's Oliver's range-rover that's sitting there. If it isn't, then it's one of the other boys that drove here and left the keys in the ignition.
The silence is deafening now. No more shots are being fired. No more screaming. No more tripping and the sound of people's bones being crushed. No more cries for help. No more sounds of hands beating on the doors and cries to get out. No more gasps of dying breaths falling from Sapphire's deflated lungs.
Sapphire.
I don't think it will ever fully sink in. Her locker next to mine. Her leftover toothpaste in my bathroom. The shirt that I know I have laying across the chair in my room. The spot I save on stage for her when we do duets. Fern is no longer here. No Fern, no Sapphire.
No more 'hey, I made it home :)' texts. No more random facts. No more advice. No more sharing candy floss.
She left behind little pieces of her that she instilled in me yet I'm the one who killed her in the end. Because she got close to me, she died. What if they take Harry next? Or Wren? Or Zayn? Or any of the boys? Hell, even Fred or Tony.
Harry's the one to break the silence.
"I thought I had lost you,"
The words hang in the air for a bit.
I'm being pulled from my thoughts as I look up at Harry, the hiccups beginning because my breathing is irregular and the tears still have yet to cease. That's when I notice that a panic attack never fully set in. Harry held me until he could feel my breathing somewhat regulate. He held me until the shaking subsided and the sobs that were falling from my lips were no longer deafening.
"What?" I croak out, wincing a bit at the harshness of my voice.
Harry slowly pulls back, his eyes frantically moving over my body and patting down my legs gently. I'm covered in Sapphire's blood but I can tell that he thinks it's mine, or at least that some of it could possibly be mine.
Once he's done patting me down, his hands come up to grasp my cheeks and he rests his forehead against mine. A quick look around tells me that Zayn has since disappeared and the clothes are resting on the boot of the car.
"I thought I had lost you," Harry repeats, pressing a chaste, dry kiss to my forehead and the tears just start falling again but truth is, I don't think they ever really stopped.
"I'm alone, H," I whimper, moving to press my face into his chest as my arms finally come around to hug him just as tight as he's hugging me. One of his thumbs hook under my chin, forcing me to look up at him once again.
There are fresh tears in his eyes and fresh stains on his cheeks. "You listen to me right now," he breathes out, his words sharp as he speaks. "You have me. Above all else, you have me. Until every last goddamn star in this galaxy dies out, you have me. Do you understand?" he questions, pushing some of my matted hair behind my ear. "I need you to answer me, Star. Do you understand?"
My mind is so muddled that it doesn't even click onto the nickname immediately.
Zayn is the first one to emerge from the club and I don't even look because I know they're probably removing Sapphire's body. The thought of her exiting the club in a black body bag instead of walking is something I can't look at. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully come to terms with the fact that she's gone.
"I should've left," I breathe out in a monotone voice, staring right up at Harry. My entire body feels numb. Physically and emotionally. "I told her. I had a bad feeling and I didn't listen. I should've listened. I never listen. Dad was right,"
Harry's face falls at this and I can't bring myself to care.
"No, no. This isn't your fault. Okay? None of it is. You didn't know they would come here and do this. You didn't know there would be casualties. None of this bloodshed today is your fault. It's whoever those people in black are. It's their fault. Do you hear me? Star? Baby? Please, look at me," he sounds desperate.
Harry never sounds desperate. Harry never begs. At least not outside of a bedroom.
"I'm so tired, H," I whisper, moving to lay my head on his shoulder.
He just lets out a small sigh and pulls me fully into him once more. "I know, baby. I know. Let's get you in the car," he whispers, keeping his voice soft. Just like Sapphire.
She was always soft. Was. Is. She is soft. Not was.
Harry gets into the backseat with me, keeping me right next to him and tucked into his side as he rubs his hand slowly up and down my arm. He's since removed his blazer and placed it over my body, trying to stop me from shivering but I don't think the shivers will ever stop.
"We need a safe word," I whisper under my breath, "for when things feel wrong. When things aren't right," I don't want the others to hear. This is just for me and Harry.
Harry cranes his neck to look down at me. "Yeah? And what do you reckon that safe word is?" he smiles. Or at least it looks like something kin to a smile out of the corner of my eye.
"Meet me in the afterglow,"