After Mrs. Stevens ripped me apart on the witness stand question by question, Mr. Russell called for a brief recess and regrouped with his legal team before he presented a counter argument that hopefully avoided my entire testimony tossed out like worthless trash. My entire body was numb in reaction, like my brain lacked the ability to process what had just happened, the potential fallouts of how Mrs. Stevens presented me as a human being and...
Worst of all, now I have to face Logan and my family's reactions.
My fingers trembled and feet moved in slow motion as I stood at the witness stand, where Judge Volkman stopped me with a quick, "Miss Harrison."
I blinked my bleary eyes up at her, then leaned my head in her direction when she waved me closer.
"Commendable testimony you gave." Her blue eyes looked down sadly at me. "Can't promise it won't get tossed out for lack of evidence, but commendable either way."
Since my throat was dry and I feared my voice failed me, I just nodded silently and stepped onto the courthouse floor. My eyes tracked the floor in front of my steps in what felt like a walk of shame. I was so embarrassed, so belittled, so reduced down to a vessel of shame that I couldn't look up at my family or face Logan after I was publicly displayed as a football jersey-chasing slut who created an opportunity for personal gain.
At this point I don't even deserve to breathe the same air space as them.
Mom's arms enveloped me first, she pressed a kiss into my cheek, and whispered, "So proud of you Ellie. That was very brave of you."
"Ha," I choked out since brave was the last thing I felt.
"It takes courage to look a bully in the eyes." She pulled back and squeezed my upper arms gently. "Your dad would've been proud too."
My eyes nearly fell out of their sockets at their words, since proud was the last reaction I'd have expected from Dad.
Livid and removed from the courtroom for tossing chairs is more like it.
"I know what you're thinking." She tilted her head slightly and flashed me a sad smile. "Dad's temper never did him any favors. But he would still be proud of you for standing up for yourself."
With what little energy I carried inside me, I just nodded again, then nearly collapsed into Logan's strong embrace. My cheeks warmed as the horrible things I'd confessed, how awful he probably felt when he heard I was attracted to Ryder and the image Mrs. Stevens painted of me, him, and our relationship.
I'm still disgusted with myself.
One of Logan's hands cupped under my jaw and his thumb stroked over my cheek until I looked up and found his eyes already studied mine. As if he read my mind, he only said, "I'm sorry you went through that, Ellie. Words can't describe what a horrible, sick human being that bitch is, twisting things so far away from the truth. What she said is nothing like who you really are.."
I only offered Logan a weak smile and wanted to know so much more about his reaction but, for now, appreciation flowed through my body at his assurance that he hadn't believed a word Mrs. Stevens said. I leaned my cheek into his palm, then grabbed the other one with both hands and pressed a soft kiss onto his knuckles.
Internally, I felt like I'd been tossed through an emotional meat shredder and must've looked physically beaten down because Mr. Russell led me into a conference room with Mr. Reynolds, Jake, Harper, and Logan and pulled out a chair for me.
"Don't worry, Eleanor, she's stretching on showing that you led Mr. Stevens into thinking you'd given consent," he assured me. "Considering the firing squad, you answered her loaded questions admirably. I'll hammer home the point that we do have your state-appointed psychological examinations as evidence and, without a doubt, you explicitly expressed to Ryder that you did not give consent to his actions. Every legal representative in that courtroom also knows that even if you had given consent then you're entitled to revoke it."
With a hardened look, Mr. Russell continued, "And I promise, as long as there is breath in my body, I will fight towards holding the Stevens responsible for their unconscionable actions. I hope today's event didn't deter you from assisting me in that process."
"Feels like I'm hurting more than I'm helping," I admitted with a sigh and sank down into the seat. "But of course."
While physically I'd only sat on a pressurized hot seat, my muscles and joints sagged with a weighted exhaustion. I felt like I'd gone a few rounds in a boxing ring and lost horribly by a knockout, which certainly explained the headache that throbbed in my forehead and sagged limbs.
"The fact that he's had questionable behavior as early as seventeen against a fourteen year old establishes some consistency with the other witnesses' testimonies," he replied firmly. "And because I firmly believe you clearly indicated no part of you consented to that assault, I'm going to corroborate your testimony with some witnesses."
I sat up slightly straighter. "Witnesses?"
Mr. Russell nodded and looked at Jake, Harper, and Logan. "I wasn't going to drag Jake into the mix but I submitted a written statement from Ms. Reynolds that she heard a scream during the assault, then saw Ryder hunched over while you left visibly upset from the bedroom, then the recap you told her the following day."
He dropped his briefcase onto the floor and sighed. "Ms. Reynolds and Jake both confirmed Ryder's rumor mill efforts to ruin your freshman year reputation and the existence of your nightmares, plus written statements from your therapist Dr. Sterns that outline the psychological suffering you've endured, both from the initial assault but Lucille and John Stevens' questionable-at-best NDA attempts to silence you."
"But..." Mr. Reynolds spoke up with a somber expression. "Tell her about the NDA, Jay."
Mr. Russell rubbed his forehead with one hand, lowered it, and looked at me with heavy eyes. "The NDA itself speaks volumes because NDAs don't hold up in a court of law for sexual assault and rape, so clearly they manipulated you from the beginning. However, the Stevens are not on trial for their actions here, only Ryder is."
While his voice sounded firm and confident, it did nothing against the emptiness I felt inside. With a quiet chuckle, he placed one hand on my shoulder and added, "And Mr. Hightower said he's more than happy to testify that he first pursued you, not the other way around."
"So... back up. If the NDA is not true..." My voice faded as my eyes lifted the 'why' part up to Mr. Reynolds.
He coughed slightly but kept his eyes focused on me. "To keep them quiet, from following through on their threats of defamation of character suits against you, Jake, and Logan."
Right... that.
Weight sagged down my body, even my lungs felt compressed as I slumped over and rested my elbows on my knees. While personally I'd wanted the entire experience to have stayed quiet, the last thing I wanted was Logan or Jake's lives impacted. Thankfully, Logan stepped towards my side, where his leg stood near the side of my head.
By the time I lifted my head, my mouth twitched, but not into a smile. "But if they testify, then the Stevens can question Jake beating up Ryder, right?"
"We've already submitted their statements as written evidence for now, but if the Stevens call them as witnesses, we'll be prepared," he assured me. "You did great Eleanor, certainly appreciate you coming forward with your testimony. If you get called back for any additional questioning or if Judge Volkman decides on the Stevens' motion that your testimony is struck from the record, then I'll notify you and Mr. Reynolds immediately."
"Right," I whispered and slumped against Logan's leg. Thankfully, he moved like he anticipated my reaction, knelt down, and wrapped one arm around my shoulders.
My eyes closed as tears dampened my lashes since, at that moment, despite the kind words and good intentions from Mr. Russell, Logan's sympathetic embrace, and the weight of the room's eyes on me, I'd never felt like a bigger disappointment.
My selfish, personal preference was that I hadn't appeared in court at all and that no one else knew of my assault. I didn't care about money, fame, recognition, or any personal gain over what already happened.
Now though, the bigger picture with just Ryder's case included other victims, one in particular whose story was personally revealed to me, who deserved justice.
And right now feels like I've failed them too.
"I'm standing outside of the Santa Cruz Superior District court..." Rachel smiled brightly at the camera and tucked a stray strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. "Right behind those doors, the trial of Ryder Stevens commenced at nine am this morning in a closed-door court session."
"Stevens is charged by the state of twelve counts of sexual assault or rape. While the six victims' identities have been concealed for their privacy and referred to only as Jane Doe One through Six, we do know that their ages range from eighteen to twenty-six."
My stomach twisted as Rachel continued, "Today's court hearing represents a challenge for Mr. Stevens, whose own parents are acting as his defense attorneys. But they've assured us repeatedly that the allegations are nothing more than a false, smear campaign against -"
"I can't listen," I muttered and stuck my finger tips into my ears. One of Logan's arms wrapped around my shoulders, but at one point during our afternoon recess, he tapped my shoulder and held his phone up to my view.
After the morning court session resumed, Mr. Russell lived up to his promise and painted my testimony in as much favor for me as he could, even presented the NDA documents as evidence that Mrs. Stevens was stretching on my character spin. Yet the confidence I felt after I first testified with him had completely vanished, only to be replaced with a giant lump of uncertainty in my stomach that stuck with me through the rest of the morning's proceedings and into a lunch recess.
Logan's news update on the case isn't helping either.
"In breaking news Dan, I have confirmation that the most controversial victim called first to testify by the District Attorney's office, Jane Doe One, has been identified as Eleanor Harrison. The sister of Jake Harrison, quarterback at USC and girlfriend of Logan Hightower at UW, Eleanor was a freshman when -"
Tears trailed down my cheeks by the time Logan shut off his phone and scowled. The seconds of silence that followed were deafening and I sank against his side under the weight that my past was now thrown out completely into the public domain.
So much for victim privacy.
"I don't know much about legality," Logan admitted in a quiet voice, sat us down on a nearby hallway bench, and pulled me into his arms. "But that sounds like something you can sue Rachel for."
"I'll settle for you or Jake never wanting to go near her again," I admitted and sobbed messily into his shoulder. "Not a single story or interview, if you can arrange that."
"Can't speak for Jake, but I already decided that when she approached you walking in this morning," he mumbled quietly.
After I testified, Logan was permanently glued to my side for the duration of the court day. I wasn't sure exactly what he feared happened but even when I went to the bathroom at the courthouse, he stood outside the entrance, arms crossed over his puffed up chest like a bouncer.
The local access cable network channel aired the case's coverage, so the view of me when I entered the courthouse on the first day was splashed on every national and local news station. On the second day, I stayed home for anonymity, Harper and Mr. Reynolds went in first, followed by Grace and Logan, then Jake and Mom. Like their entry, after Judge Volkman moved the trial forwards for Jane Doe Two, each of them exited without a word spoken.
After I spent the day as pretty much a useless zombie, my phone vibrated me out of my trance.
Mom: Picking up dinner.
While I was anything but hungry, I appreciated the comforts of Mom's full dining room table. I sat between Logan and Harper. Jake sat on one end of the table, next to Harper, while Grace and Mom sat across from me and Logan.
My eyes scanned around the somber expressions, with everyone's eyes cast downward at their nearly full plates. The sounds of silverware clinked as we pushed our food around and no one really ate.
The longer I looked at the faces I cared about though, the more warmth filled the heaviness in my chest. No matter the horrible circumstances that had drawn us together, I was extremely thankful and appreciative of the support.
"Thank you," my quiet voice cut through the lifeless silence around the table. "I felt horrible after my testimony so... Thanks."
"Anything," Logan murmured, followed by the warmth and security of his hand wrapped over mine.
Today I'd had more time than I wanted to think about potential outcomes but I knew one for sure. "Just hope it's enough."
"You did your best." Harper's eyes looked at me full of sympathy. "Dad said this will probably drag on for a few weeks. The second witness testified today and there are four more."
After dinner, Logan insisted that we stayed at Grace's condo before we flew back to Seattle tomorrow morning, so I hurriedly packed and said goodbye to Mom, Jake, and Harper. Unfortunately, after Rachel's report outed me as one of Ryder's victims on site at the courthouse, we showed up at Grace's condo building and found the entire parking lot crammed with reporters and news vans.
A lot of hand gestures later, I moved my suitcase into Grace's car and hopped into the back seat next to Logan. He covered me with a blanket until Grace drove off and put enough distance between us and the media vultures.
With a sad look in the rearview mirror, Grace insisted, "You two are always welcome at my place but maybe you can keep an element of surprise and head straight back to Seattle."
Since I was in favor of any suggestion that put multiple states between me and the Stevens family while the trial continued, Grace drove us straight to San Jose's airport, where Logan and I took a redeye flight to SeaTac.
The quiet, half-empty flight back to Seattle was like an oasis of peace and quiet. My head nodded off into Logan's shoulder and I groggily walked through the much emptier airport terminals that I'd walked through so many times in the past three months, I could've done it in my sleep. Once we stepped out to the parking garage sidewalk, we were showered with a flood of white flashes before the doors opened.
"Ugh," I grunted and squeezed my eyes closed. "So much for going under the radar."
"C'mon." Logan wrapped one arm around my shoulders and shielded me with his larger frame. I cupped one hand over my eyes and tipped my chin down so I at least watched where my feet stepped but every question hit me like a verbal punch in the gut.
"Miss Harrison! Can you confirm that you are Jane Doe One?"
"Miss Harrisson, any comments on the nature of your character called into question?"
"Miss Harrison! What can you tell us about the motions to strike out your testimony?"
How the hell did they find out about that?
I buried my chest into Logan's side, squeezed my eyes shut, and let him lead us through the parking lot to the garage. I was thankful for his truck's tinted windows because they definitely dimmed the continued photo hounds. Even with the privacy, I buried my face in my hands and sobbed loud, raspy breaths. Logan sat silently, his hand rubbed over my back, and waited until my sobs slowed to more manageable sniffles before he left.
"Never been glad to have an underground parking garage," he muttered once we pulled up to our apartment building.
The silence our apartment greeted us with was a welcomed relief. The small space felt like a refuge away from the craziness that exploded into our life outside the building.
"I'm really sorry," I confessed and sagged down onto the bed. The soft, gray comforter sank under my weight as I leaned forwards, rested my elbows on my knees, and buried my face in both hands. "Definitely batshit crazy level of attention. I-I never w-wanted any of this, I swear."
Logan's warm fingers wrapped over mine and, once he lowered them, I lifted my eyes to the sight of his large frame knelt on the floor between my knees. His eyes stared straight into mine with a soft but intense look that indicated he wanted to say something, so I lifted my chin. I rested my hands on his broad shoulders that were tight with tension but he just silently looked at me for a few moments.
"You're so strong baby," he whispered, in a voice full of awe like he said the words more to himself than me. The tenderness his fingers stroked over my temple as he brushed a few strands of hair off my forehead, then trailed down the contour of my cheek pinched my heart around itself.
I barked out a hollow laugh. "I am not."
A hard resolve grew in his eyes, matched by the seriousness in his tone. "None of this is your fault. You're doing what's right and if a bit of media attention is fallout, it'll fade into the next story sooner than we know."
"I know, technically Ryder was the -" I started when he interrupted in a quiet but firm voice.
"I mean his parents." Logan's eyes shifted a shade darker and his mouth tightened for a moment. "What they've done to your life since they came into yours. The fact you're going to fight those monsters, after..."
His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard and paused. I looked straight into his eyes at not the usual look I got with regards to this subject - pity, shock, disgust, or anger - but a quiet sense of humility and awe.
My arms were around Logan's neck and my body flush with his before my next breath.
"Thank you," I whispered between the tears that freely rolled over my cheeks and dampened the skin on Logan's neck. "Thank you for not seeing me like I'm broken, or someone you feel sorry for."
"I am sorry it happened and for what you're going through right now, baby," he choked out and squeezed me so tightly that my ribs pinched under his hands' grasp. "If I could take all the shit you've been through and put it on my shoulders, then I would. I'd take it all Ellie, I swear."
"I know," I whispered. "But I'm only hanging on because of you... That's all I need and I hope you know that."
"I do," he murmured softly and pressed a kiss into my shoulder. "I do."