"...so yeah, anyway, that's how I ended up with an encyclopedia and seven cans of soup." It said before taking a sip of what appeared to be tea from a small mug on the table infront of It. "I had soup for like a week straight aft- OH SHIT!" It exclaimed, "You're here already." It said staring at you in a way that made your already uncomfortable armchair grow and wrap around your periferal vision like falling into a claustraphobic leather abyss. "Guess I'd better get started with the story then!
Once upon a time uh... no no, that's a boring way to start, let me start over. Exactly four years ago, or was it eight? It was definitely an even number...I think....Okay, you know what? Some time ago, maybe four years, maybe eight, maybe it was fucking ninety three and a half, but some time in the past there was a person who died. Now this was no ordinary death, oh no no no no no, this was quite the peculiar event! For you see, this was the death of Francis Trogg.
Francis was just like any other human, two legs, some hair, at least one eye, and a brain for which he used to think about many a thought. One particular thought that crossed his mind one day, got him in quite the fluster. Why should such a thought distress Francis this much on a windy Tuesday morning? Well I'm no mind reader so I have no idea, but from the mumbling and muttering he did while pacing back and forth it seems like it had something to do with a cat. Francis did not own a cat.
"Hello Francis!" The cheery voice rang from across the room. Francis looked up to see a huge gleaming smile staring back at him.
"Oh hey Melanie, what brings you here?"
"Do I need an excuse to come over and visit my Husband?" She said while skipping over and planting a kiss on the side of his face.
"I suppose not." Replied Francis, "I'm not your husband though, I'm just borrowing his face."
"Yeah i know YOU aren't, but he is." She said while poking her finger in his face.
"Do you own a cat?" Francis asked glumly. Melanie shook her head. He left for home.
Chapter Two.
Francis stared longingly into a nearby wall. He did not know why he was looking at the wall, all he knew was that it was captivating and had stolen his full attention. Did he want to be a brick in the wall, needed, supported and dependable? Did he want to just sit on this park bench and let his mind wander, escaping the responsibilities of life? Or was it that there was a huge graffiti penis painted on this wall in extreme detail and penises are funny? Honestly who can say, he could be there for any number of reasons, but sat on a bench, staring deep into a wall he was.
SUDDENLY, a very sudden unexpected surprise occurred without warning. To Francis' shock, a black fluffy cat walked along the top of the wall and oinked at him.
"Did that cat just oink?" He wondered aloud to himself. "No." Replied the cat in a deep gruff voice. "I'm a pig actually."
"O-oh, sorry." Apologized Francis, envious of the attractive burly voice of the black fluffy pig before him.
"Would you uh, like to go on a date sometime?" Francis asked nervously. The pig that looks almost exactly like a cat, apart from the fact it is in actuality, a pig, jumped behind the wall out of view. "Well I guess he was out of my league anyway." The saddened man now muttered to himself as he continued his slow walk back home.
Chapter 3
A house stood before him, tall and brick-y. This was where Francis lived. He knew this was his house because it contained all his stuff, and in case he were to ever forget he also wrote his name on the front in Sanskrit. At least he hoped that is what he had written for Francis can't read Sanskrit.
Approaching the front door Francis noticed that his home looked very much like a house, this made sense he thought, seeing as it was indeed a house. All this cat malarkey of the day had made him rather peckish so Francis decided to make himself a sandwitch. He walked into his back garden, sat in the sandpit, and sculpted a witch from the fine blonde grains. This didn't stop Francis being hungry, so he left again in search of the local shop.
"Morning Dorathy." Francis said to the fat old lady behind the counter. It was the afternoon and Francis knew this. He did not know why he said good morning as he now looks like an idiot. " 'Ello Mr Trogg." Retorted Dorathy. Francis had always felt uneasy around her, perhaps due to the smell of rotting fish that followed her everywhere she went, not that she ever went anywhere. "I'm just going to look for some food." He said as he backed away from the stench making blob at the front of the store.
Surprisingly, and much to his delight, Dorathy's smell had not put Francis off his food, so he continued to browse the isles for a delicious snack to munch upon. 'Xyons delight', '7 down', 'Can of bird toes'. Francis read through all the food items but couldn't find anything he was in the mood for. He turned to leave but just as he did so a blue glass jar caught his eye.
"Id like to purchase this please!" He shouted across the store at Dorathy while holding the jar aloft.
"That'll be erm... three pennies and a farthing." Francis payed for the jar and quickly ran home to escape the projectile-vomit inducing stench.
Chapter 4: Le Fishe
'YUMMY DELICIOUSNESS INSIDE' read the bottle. 'WARNING NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION! ingestion of this product may cause swelling, nausea, hallucinations, maladaptive daydreaming, excessive flatulence, and an existential bee to appear next to your ear that will not leave you alone'. This did not deter Francis as he was famished.
While he sprinted back home to eat the jar Francis tripped and fell into the village pond. Had this not been a Tuesday he would have fallen into a well, but that is reserved solely for Thursdays, regardless of how much Francis enjoys falling down it.
"Bonjour!" said Le Fishe, Francis was understandably confused. Why was a fish speaking to him? Why is it French? How can he understand him? And can he spread the contents of the jar over him for lunch?, were a few of the first thoughts to fly through his head.
Francis asked this fish how his day had been, nonchalantly the fish replied: "Pitiful, why does you ask?"
"No reason." He replied, still perplexed at the existence of a french trout. Le Fishe twiddled its mustache and swam off.
Chapter 5
Francis laid floating face down in the village pond. A baguette walked over, waded into the pond and pulled him out. It started doing chest compressions and a fountain of water squirted from between Francis' lips as he spluttered back into consciousness. "W-w-what h-happened?" Francis muttered. "Le Fishe warned me you were drowning." Replied the Baguette. Startled that he was talking to some bread Francis accidentally asked a very insensitive question out of nervousness. "HOW DARE YOU!" Screamed the Baguette, "I just saved you and you have the audacity to call me French?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you! I just don't talk to many baked products since the Great Dough wars of '66." Panicked Francis.
The Baguette sighed, "I'll let you off this one time, but only because you are THE Francis Trogg."
OH FUCK! I didn't realize the time, must be off now I'll finish the story later, my partner is about to birth my offspring." It said Frantically.
"No." Replied the other.
"What? This is non-negotiable." It retorted at the very rude other.
The other drew a dangerous looking object from what appears to be a pocket and points the object at It. "I said no. You are going to finish the story first."
"Can you believe this guy?" It asks you. You just sit there nervously in your chair. "FINISH THE STORY." The now extremely agitated other screamed across the room at them.
"Fine uhm... Francis had a sudden cardiac malfunction and ceased to be." With that, the other promptly got up and left, shortly followed by the parent to be.......
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"Greetings, I have returned." It said.
"So where was I? Oh yes I remember, now
Chapter 6
"How do you know my name?" Francis asked stupidly.
"You are Francis Trogg, The man infamous for being the only living entity who is able to freeze a slice of bread by licking it." Replied the Baguette condescendingly.
"Oh yeah." The now embarrassed Francis said. "Thank you for saving my life."
"Don't mention it." said the all knowing Baguette.
"Wait you're all knowing?" questioned Francis.
"Yes." said the Baguette.
"Oh cool, well I should be off now, I have a jar of unknown substance to eat."
Francis and the Baguette walked away from each other completely unaware that this was the start of an amazing friendship soon to blossom. Except for the Baguette, It knew as it knew all. But it pretended not to know as it knew I would tell you they were 'completely unaware' and it is nice enough to pretend to be a regular Baguette just so I can tell the story easier.