Beomgyu didn’t know what he was going to do.
All he knew was that he had to be there. No means of comfort nor promising words seemed to conceive in his mind. Nothing but the haste movements to get there and be there with him.
Because Taehyun needed someone right now.
Who would he have if he didn’t have Beomgyu?
His mother was out of the picture. There was no room in her for any type of comfort. Beomgyu questioned if she even knew Sooyun at any point. He wasn’t certain if the younger boy had other family members to reach out to, though he never mentioned it. He was close to Hueningkai, but Beomgyu didn’t know to what extent.
Nonetheless, Taehyun had called him.
He had to be Taehyun’s constant now more than ever.
His stomach plummeted when the dreadful words croaked through his phone, hardly believable. Lee Sooyun was a remarkable person to him through Taehyun’s words—through his own eyes. When he met her, the emotional dependency his lover had on her was evident from the beginning.
Could he call him that? His Lover?
Beomgyu hadn’t hung up the phone.
He needed to know Taehyun was still there; coping or at least holding himself up long enough until Beomgyu would come and bear the baggage. He needed to hear his uneven breathing through his phone to make sure he wasn’t doing anything irrational, to make sure he was safe. He needed him to know he was there.
Beomgyu didn’t know what to tell him. He’d never comforted someone after they heard of a parental figure passing. He’d never gone through it himself, though he had a few impressions of what he’d want to hear. He didn’t know if it was enough.
Whatever he had to offer wouldn't be enough. He just hoped his presence would make up for some of the damage, at least momentarily.
“Taehyun?” Beomgyu firmly called. He didn’t have anything to say, he just needed to hear his voice again.
The younger boy only hummed, almost imperceptible if he wasn’t straining to pick up any feeble sounds. He wasn’t crying anymore, though Beomgyu wasn’t sure. He couldn’t see him. All he could do was listen to him through the phone as he tapped his foot against the cab flooring.
He would’ve run, just like that day. Just like the day he was so driven and blinded by the determination that he gathered nothing could stop him. When he thought he was unconquerable, dashing through the streets at illuminated late hours.
Except, this time, it was pouring. The sky seemed to pick up on the gloomy state and yearned to match the mood. Beomgyu almost scoffed at the absurdity and timing. He wouldn't make it halfway.
“You’re not going to be alone, love,” he vocalised carefully, hoping his words were earnest enough to reach him. Constant reassurance is what he’d want in a situation like this, but now he didn’t know what Taehyun wanted. “I’m almost there— I’m here with you now.”
Taehyun didn’t answer him. He didn’t show any signs that he’d even heard him. Beomgyu was riding off of the unsteady breaths directly in his ear. That was the only thing grounding him right now.
He continued to whisper nothings into the phone, unsure of what was working and what was going unheard.
Just as the car turned to the familiar street, those rigid breaths morphed with the harsh pitter-patter of the rain. Beomgyu couldn’t hear him through the noises, unsure if he was even there anymore. His heart spiked at the thought, seconds away from cursing the driver for not going faster.
“Taehyun— Hyun, are you outside?” he questioned frantically. He didn’t need confirmation, he already knew. He just needed to know if he was still there. With him.
“Yeah,” came a hushed voice, croaky and uncertain, barely audible through the war between his words and the banging of the rain.
Beomgyu didn’t want to question him, he didn’t want to set him off in his worst moments. Asking why would make him feel pressured to explain, and the last thing he needed was to push him right now.
“I’m almost there,” he told him instead, dumping out whatever money he had clutched and ready in his hand. He didn’t wait for the driver to count or even stop properly before he leapt out and darted for the building.
The water was so cold. It seeped through his pyjamas and clung his clothes to his skin only seconds in. Accompanied by the harsh winds and booming sounds, he could barely get his senses straight. How was Taehyun out here? Where was he?
He didn’t have to look long before he spotted a matted head of dark, red hair. He didn’t delay to run over to the boy who was sitting on the steps, knees pulled to his chest with his phone right up against his ear.
Drenched from head to toe sat Kang Taehyun in all his brilliant, broken glory.
When he heard Beomgyu’s footsteps through the padding of the rain, he looked up with hair stuck to his forehead and framing his eyes— His once starry, wide eyes.
Water trailed his cheeks in long strokes, but not from the rain. His lips quivered, just not from the cold.
Beomgyu didn’t want him to stand up, didn’t want him to put any effort into anything, but he needed to get him out of the rain. He needed to take care of him.
So, he held his hand out to help him up, almost faltering when Taehyun hesitated. Eventually, he reached out with hand and his four hearts.
Four hearts. Four red, lively hearts. One grey, gloomy heart.
He pulled him into his arms instead of inside. Taehyun almost collapsed against him, hands balling into tight fists in his shirt as his face was buried in his shoulder, body shaking against his. Again, not from the cold.
But, just for now, Beomgyu tried to pretend it was from the cold. Just so he could be the stronger person right now, even though the boy he loved was losing himself entirely right in his arms.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He shouldn’t have lost his heart.
Your first heart was reckoned to be lost to a middle school fling. It was supposed to be to something light and effortlessly avoidable. You’re supposed to fall in love for the first time to someone who would eventually walk out, but it’d be okay because you’d have four more and many, many other options. You'd experience the warmth of love and learn from it.
You’re not supposed to lose your first heart to someone's death. No one deserves that kind of heartbreak as a way to lose their first heart. It wasn’t supposed to be that way.
But, the world wasn’t fair. Beomgyu knew.
“She lied to me,” Taehyun croaked into his shoulder, the first decipherable words he’d said all night. “She told me she was doing well.”
Beomgyu thought back to the night they ate together, when Taehyun told him she was doing better than usual with a lost look in his eyes.
It made sense now. Sooyun was at peace with her inevitable end and didn’t want to worry him, especially not when he talked so brightly about his last few days with Beomgyu.
She was protecting him until her stop, and she got to see the end of his loneliness before she went. Almost as if she'd only existed to accompany him until someone else would.
The elder boy didn’t know what he was going to do to pick him back up if she wasn’t there to do that.
What he needed to do now was get them both out of the cold. He couldn't feel the tips of his fingers.
“Hyun, you need to get out of the rain,” Beomgyu pleaded, shaky hands grazing his lower back. He wouldn’t pull away first, no matter how long it took to convince him.
Taehyun looked up to him through his dampened lashes, their noses bumping. “You’ll come with me?” he genuinely questioned.
Beomgyu was taken aback by the sincerity in his voice, the unconcealed desperation playing in his eyes. He thought it was a given, but with the way he asked, it seemed he thought he wasn’t going to drop everything to be with him.
How ridiculous of him to think that he hadn’t already thrown it all away to give him a home to seek.
“Yeah, I will,” Beomgyu whispered, “of course, always.”
Taehyun nodded to his words, pulling back just enough so that they could walk side by side. His hand stayed looped around the taller boy's forearm, pale fingers numbing around his drenched sleeves. The walk to his dorm was wordless, only the sound of tumbling rain against metal echoing in the area.
When they entered, Beomgyu rushed to find him some warm clothes. He didn’t want a cold to add to the burden of his troubles. When Taehyun had changed out of his old clothes and looked him up and down, only then did he notice he didn’t have his own change of clothes.
“Aren’t you going to change?” Taehyun frowned, looking imperceptibly better than when they were outside.
His hair was still somewhat matted to his head and his eyes seemed even darker despite being in the light of his apartment. It was painstakingly noticeable for someone who watched him a lot.
Beomgyu looked away, picking at the thin shirt which was clinging to his skin. “I didn’t bring anything.”
He thought of going back and picking something up, but that would mean he would have to leave Taehyun alone, being the last thing he needed.
The said boy smiled at him, it was anything but joyous. The whole night had seemed like a stampede of horses racing over a frozen lake only seconds away from cracking. “You know you can take mine, I don't mind.”
Beomgyu nodded firmly, willing away the warmth which began to bloom in his chest and over his face. He told himself it wasn’t the time to get flustered over nothing, especially not visibly. Taehyun handed him a change of clothes instead of letting him go through them as he did for him.
As he changed in the bathroom, his skin immediately warmed under the thick cloth despite the numb feeling he had from the cold before. Taehyun’s clothes weren’t as small as he thought they’d be, only snug in a few places. Then again, he’d often seen the younger boy wear things a few sizes bigger than himself.
Fluffing up his damp hair, Beomgyu caught his reflection in the mirror. He paused for a second, hand movements faltering.
He didn’t know what to think.
Did he recognise the person he saw in front of him as the person he knew the most? Was he sure of everything that seemed to be whizzing past him as he stayed rooted in his spot? Why did it seem as if his life was going on without him?
His gaze flew to his arm in his reflection, fingers still tangled up in his hair. He dropped his hand and stared at the empty hearts on his wrist, unsure of why it was hitting him again, now of all times.
It was almost laughable, really. To think that, in the end, he’d be the one comforting Taehyun after losing a heart. All that stress and worry being pent up for nothing.
Was it the end, though? Could he consider it a happy ending if when they’ve finally gotten here, Taehyun was the first to lose a heart— lose the person who helped him keep his hearts. Would he be the same after that? Would Beomgyu be able to piece him back up?
But to hell, if he wouldn’t try his fucking best.
“Are you okay?” Taehyun’s voice rang through the shut door, small and timid.
Beomgyu darted for the handle, pulling it open in seconds. The younger seemed to startle at the movement with the way his head shot up. “I’m fine, just got distracted,” he assured him.
Taehyun looked him up and down, a tender smile playing at his lips. His eyes seemed softer when he met his own again, accompanied by the ardour.
“You look good in my clothes,” he kidded despite the heavy air floating around them.
“I’m surprised they fit,” Beomgyu refuted, wishing it would somehow relieve them of the tension. He couldn’t decide if they were just going to pretend as if nothing had happened or if he was ready to talk about anything.
Taehyun scowled his way, subtly straightening his posture just so he’d seem taller. Beomgyu had to suppress a giggle from slipping when he saw how he almost stood on his toes to prove a point. “We’re basically the same height, hyung.”
“Whatever you say,” Beomgyu shrugged whilst raising his hand to pat the top of Taehyun's head, just to tease him a little more.
Instead of arguing against him, Taehyun didn’t say anything.
He seemed to remember where they were and why he was here in the first place, everything hitting him once again. His smile fell slowly, a shining layer coating his eyes.
Beomgyu could feel the ache in his chest grow. He moved his hand so it fell to his nape, fingers brushing against the ends of his hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Taehyun only shook his head, looking down and blinking away. His lips curled as if he was trying to hold back. Beomgyu could only advert his touch to his face, cupping the curve of his cheek so he’d look up at him.
“Then we won’t,” he confirmed, running his thumb over his cheekbone. “Have you eaten anything?”
The younger looked at him with wonderment, almost as if he expected Beomgyu to pry and ask questions despite asking not to. His shoulders drooped after a while, the pent up tension slipping out deliberately.
“No, not yet,” he shook his head, leaning into his touch.
“I’ll make us something, okay?” Beomgyu suggested, opting to distract him for the time being.
Taehyun stared at him for a while as if trying to decipher something hidden. “You know how to cook?”
“I’d like to think I do,” he shrugged, trying to act nonchalant even though he knew he’d pour his heart into this meal.
The younger boy looked at him before nodding, giving him the go.
“Thank you,” Taehyun whispered before either of them moved, “for being here.”
Beomgyu didn’t know what to say to that. He hadn’t expected anything in return for this, more so, he felt like he was doing it for himself rather than Taehyun. He knew if the boy before him broke, he would hurt too much. Love was such a fearful thing at these times and he couldn’t tell if he wanted to push it away or ask for more.
He didn’t even know if he was helping.
Taehyun certainly seemed to think he was, so that was enough, wasn’t it?
“Don’t think too much,” Taehyun mumbled, bunching up his fists in the cloth around Beomgyu’s waist. He pulled him closer, just so their bodies were almost touching.
And when he met his lips, Beomgyu was reminded that they could do things like this.
He forgot that he was allowed to kiss him, to show him how much he loved him. As he kissed back, he prayed his feelings were sent through.
He wondered if Taehyun felt the thrill like he did; if he homed the same energy welling up at the pits of his stomach every time they touched, if he yearned for more.
The kiss was slow and languid, but it held that type of promise. It was one where he knew he'd be able to come back for more, where he could pull away and not fear it being their last.
If this is what it was like, he would love him with all of his last heart.
“When you think about it, we fit now,” Taehyun muttered under his breath, hardly audible.
“What do you mean?”
Beomgyu had managed to make a meal for the two and they ate in comfort. He wouldn’t admit it, but he really tried his best to make it really enjoyable, and Taehyun had no complaints. They didn’t speak once about the problem at hand, instead acting as if it were another day they savoured together.
It didn’t bother him, but he worried he’d break eventually. He prayed he would be there if that happened.
They were in his bed after they ate, his laptop at the end of the bed almost forgotten as it played some song from a random playlist.
Taehyun was glued to his side, head resting on his shoulder. His face was snug against his neck, body leaning against his. Beomgyu wondered if he could hear the beat of the song from his heart.
The younger was fiddling with Beomgyu’s fingers, threading his hand through his just to intertwine them then let go. Every touch set off something in Beomgyu’s chest, growing fonder with every second. Their hands were almost the same, allowing them to slot together with ease.
How lucky for him to be able to spend his last heart on him.
“I mean our hearts,” Taehyun continued, turning over their wrists so he could put them side by side. “They complete each other.”
“I guess they do,” Beomgyu grinned to himself as his gaze darted between his darkened hearts and Taehyun’s glowing ones. The difference in them was evident, and the placement of them didn’t even line up, yet he still felt complete with him by his side.
After all, he was trusting him with everything in him.
When he really thought of it, Taehyun had filled the void. He filled up the ghost of the empty hearts, pushing him with enough love to make up for the lack of it he'd been feeling. In turn, Beomgyu was the first he could really love, and he'd filled out that spot for him.
Taehyun hadn't been able to love and Beomgyu didn't want to love.
Yet, here they were.
They'd solved each other's dilemmas despite their own internal conflict. How it shifted in between was beyond him.
It wasn't ideal, but he couldn't imagine having it any other way.
All he could do was hope for them to be okay in the end.
Beomgyu was visiting Taehyun almost every day from then on, sometimes sleeping over at his place when he really didn’t want to be alone. It was never burdensome for him, in fact, he awaited the times where the younger would ask him to stay.
He would like to think things were getting better, though there was no way of telling. Taehyun didn’t want to talk about it at all so he knew close to nothing about how he was feeling.
It got to a point where he didn’t speak about how he was feeling at all. He didn’t tell him if he was doing well or if he needed anything. At times, he avoided speaking about anything related to himself and Beomgyu felt like he was back at stage one back where they’d just met.
Taehyun was growing distant promptly even though it seemed barely noticeable, and it was unsettling in the least. Beomgyu couldn’t blame him, though. It’d barely been four days since she’d passed and he wouldn’t heal instantly.
He just hoped he wouldn't be a product of his abandonment.
Instead of pushing him to talk, Beomgyu thought he needed to speak to someone else before he could think about what to do. He asked Soobin if he’d wanted to meet up, and he agreed readily, even inviting Kai and Yeonjun.
Kai tried to invite Taehyun, but he declined the offer.
This was okay. Beomgyu would be able to escape even if it was for just a little while. He’d be able to regenerate so he could come back with twice as much support as he did before and they’d be okay.
Except, nothing about their meetup was okay.
To begin with, Yeonjun and Soobin were overly touchy as a product of their new relationship. That wasn’t the problem, though.
Yeonjun kept looking at Beomgyu with a particular look. He couldn’t tell what it was, but it wasn’t positive. His gaze was filled with something unreadable and he wouldn’t meet Beomgyu’s eyes at all.
Something was off with him, and it was painfully obvious to Beomgyu, but he didn’t comment on it. This day was supposed to be an escape, he wouldn't add conflict.
But, Soobin seemed to notice too, and even he was acting odd. He could hold eye contact with Beomgyu, but there was an underlying uneasiness in his eyes which was wrong in every way.
The only one who wasn’t looking at him as if he’d committed all the world's crimes was Kai, who was just as lively as ever.
Still, Beomgyu didn’t bring anything up. He didn’t see the need to.
Not until they were supposed to leave.
“You can go ahead,” Soobin grinned at Yeonjun and Kai, though something was unsettling in his voice. “I want to talk to Beomgyu.”
Said boy furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of what to do with himself. He watched as Yeonjun gave him a once over with the same unreadable look on his face as before. Kai didn’t bother questioning it, only nodded unconcerned and left with Yeonjun.
The entire day had been confusing as hell and Beomgyu wasn’t close to figuring out why. He felt like the outsider of the group, the others squabbling over something without including him in it.
After the two had left, Beomgyu looked towards Soobin, an expectant look playing at his face. The older boy didn’t pay him much mind, seemingly in his own headspace.
“Did you notice Yeonjun was acting a little weird?” Beomgyu pondered, hoping to get something out of him since he wasn’t speaking. When the taller boy didn’t reply, he knew something was definitely off and he was getting tired of dancing around it. “Soobin, what’s going on?”
Soobin stayed silent for a second too long before his words came out hesitant and slow. “Beomgyu, I thought you were in love with Taehyun?”
“What are you talking about?” Beomgyu wondered aloud, slightly taken aback by the accusation. Soobin was seemingly the only one who knew how much he loved Taehyun, so why was he doubting him now? Had Taehyun said otherwise?
“I don’t want to assume anything, but I had a class with him a few days ago and he looked exhausted,” he further explained as if Beomgyu was supposed to catch on there. He paused after his words, waiting for the younger to say something.
Beomgyu was just as lost as before, even more so. He was well aware of Taehyun’s state, he was with him almost every day. He didn’t know what it had to do with his love for him, though. Nothing that was coming out of Soobin’s mouth was making any sense.
“Okay?” he stated more than questioned, egging him to go on.
“And he had four hearts,” Soobin finished, looking down almost shamefully.
It still didn’t make any fucking sense. Beomgyu was seconds away from grabbing the front of his shirt and shaking the implications out of him if this were to go on. He stared at him, willing him to look him in the eyes, but the older boy kept his head down the entire time.
Beomgyu knew that. He was painfully aware of it and it was something that he didn’t want to think of. He wondered if Soobin thought he didn’t know with the way he looked upset, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t even close.
He was about to drill him with more questions until it clicked.
Ah.
“You think I broke it,” Beomgyu accused, though it was more of a declaration. He wasn’t asking a question, rather stating the words out to both of them. The boy couldn’t tell if what he was feeling was surprise or hurt. Surely they didn’t really think he went through with the bet? Is that why Soobin looked so uncomfortable with himself for assuming so?
“I don't,” Soobin was quick to tell him even though his words were unsure and rushed, “Yeonjun does, though, and something happened with Taehyun. It’s just that the time of it makes sense,” he paused, looking away again, “with the bet and all.”
He never told Yeonjun the jeopardy he was in because of his feelings. He never spoke of the night where his last heart flickered with anyone. He didn’t mention a word to him or Kai. He hasn’t even told them they were dating.
It made sense for the eldest to think he’d broken his heart, though Beomgyu couldn’t place a thought on why he was so displeased. Hadn’t he been on the same boat?
He wondered if Yeonjun noticed the glow in his eyes when Taehyun was mentioned, or if he knew of anything. It would make sense, then.
As for Kai, he didn’t know anything. That was a problem for another time.
“That’s why he seemed so uncomfortable before?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Soobin frowned. “You didn’t actually break it, right?”
Beomgyu couldn’t find it in him to feel offended by the accusation. Soobin knew how much he loved him.
“No— God, no , I didn’t,” he worded instead, speaking his next few words drastically quieter. “I would never.”
But, that was his initial intention, wasn't it? Beomgyu could feel his throat feel heavy, his mind clogging with distaste. The person he was mere months ago would've broken Taehyun's hearts without hesitation.
He hated to think that way.
Soobin nodded, a small smile rising on his lips. “I know you wouldn't,” he reassured him, “I’ll tell Yeonjun that, don't worry. What happened to Taehyun?”
“Someone he loved passed away,” Beomgyu sighed tiredly, “It’s been really hard on him and I don’t know what to do most of the time.”
“I see,” he hummed, “you’re there for him though. He has you.”
Beomgyu frowned, “I just hope I’m enough.”
“It depends on if you make yourself out to be enough.”
Notes:
this story is almost coming to an end, only a few chapters left T^T prepare yourselves because it's a bumpy ride from here on ..
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Bling Bling