For the first time in the last few months, Beomgyu wasn't as deranged.
He wasn't in a mental war with his mind, which was a gaping contrast.
Still, it wouldn't be dependable to say that he was doing well. It had gotten to a point where he'd realised and accepted his situation so much to an extent that he doesn't spend hours deliberating on it.
He knew he was in love with Taehyun.
It wasn't a question of what if anymore, rather a query of what now? How does he simply recommence his days with the passing tapping against his chest or the swell of adoration he homed every so often? Most importantly, how does he continue as before when he's on the edge between giving himself to Taehyun completely and losing himself to him?
Wouldn't it amount to the same thing?
Lately, instead of fearing his own feelings, he's been eluding them. After beholding the sinister flash of his heart, he wasn't sure if he could let himself spiral again. Every time a thought called for attention, he would back it down and bury it so deep it would be neglected for another time.
It was a tiring habit at most, nonetheless, a habit. He couldn’t go through everyday with the lingering feeling of breaking down.
Who could blame him, though? He was in a permanent state of jeopardy, threat holding him by the throat so close to tightening its grip just enough to block the airway. With any trigger, though dubious, he felt he could break it entirely on his own.
Which is why Beomgyu went out of his way to spend the last few days away from himself. With Soobin's succour, he was far from the idea of unreciprocated devotion. A mere day after the meagre incident, Yeonjun thoroughly apologised to him, practically on his knees for forgiveness.
Of course, he didn't know what happened. It was a hushed agreement between Soobin and Beomgyu not to mention it to anyone, not needing the added attention and potential panic.
So they kept it between them, Yeonjun— and Kai, who's always been there— unaware of the hidden menace. It was fine that way, better, even. He didn't want to worry more people.
Beomgyu wouldn't mention it to Taehyun either. It was an absurd thought, to begin with.
With the looming problem agonizingly chasing him, he continued to walk as if it was no bother. He ignored it despite its significance and risk. There wasn't much else he could do, was there?
With that mindset, he went on. He went on as if nothing was amiss.
Thankfully, he had copious diversions to aid him through the circumstances. He engrossed his mind in schoolwork and played out his days with his friends as he would before. On top of that, he had Taehyun.
kang taehyun:
gyu hyung, hey!
how're you feeling? did things clear up between you and soobin?
—:
hi tyun yes it did !! we're good now
kang taehyun:
that's good to hear, im glad.
ah, actually i texted you to ask if you want to meet up today?
i owe you an explanation.
—:
u dont have to tell me if ur not comfortable though
u dont owe me anything
kang taehyun:
i am comfortable.
don’t worry about it, i want to tell you.
—:
oh
okay then in that case, where do u want to meet?
kang taehyun:
actually, i was wondering if you'd come with me.
it's friday so im working today for home health aid, ill be spending the day at her home.
lee sooyun, if you remember.
would you want to come with me? i dont do much, only when she needs assistance and we'd have a lot of time to talk.
but if you have plans or anything we can talk another time somewhere else.
—:
i dont mind! i can come with u
id love to meet her she seems really nice
kang taehyun:
she is :)
okay, then, ill come pick you up in a bit?
—:
sounds good, ill see you!
"You seem nervous," Taehyun took notice, sparing him a forbearing glimpse as they walked up the path to Lee Sooyun's home.
He had a sharp eye, no doubt. Oddly enough, he remarked little things like the cramped fidgeting of his fingers when it came to Beomgyu. Sometimes, he pointed out things he didn't even notice he was doing.
"Nervous?" Beomgyu derided as if the idea itself was laughable. He shook his head, keeping his eyes trained on the path ahead of them. "I'm not nervous, why would I be?"
Taehyun shrugged at his narrative, surely and visibly unconvinced. "I don't know," he grinned, readjusting the small duffle bag he was carrying. With that, he had his camera, the strap looped around his chest. "She isn't my mother, you know. You have nothing to worry about."
"What if she doesn't like me?" he asserted his concern, giving in to the opening he was offering. It was that easy. He really couldn't hide anything from the younger boy and it was starting to disturb him. How much longer until he'd break and confess everything he was feeling?
That was a concern for another time.
"She will," Taehyun spoke honestly, stopping in front of the warm wooden door and digging into one of his pockets, "you're much more likable than you think."
"Whatever you say," Beomgyu told him as if the words didn't have a colossal effect on his heart.
The younger boy pulled out a set of keys, clanging noiselessly in his hands. Beomgyu had to guess they were much closer than he initially believed if he had a key to her house. It was an odd thought, but he didn't question him.
As they stepped in and discarded their shoes, his worries heightened by tenfold. It was a vague feeling and he couldn't find the will to burry it under anything else. It might've been the insecurity he felt before meeting someone so close to the boy he was in love with, or the tension and curiosity lingering in the air with the promised erudition.
Despite the uneasy feeling, the aura of the home soothed him. It was remarkably homey, much more than his own. The undertones were warm and the place smelled mostly of burnt wood, almost like a blanket of safety welcoming them.
Beomgyu glanced wearily at Taehyun, unsure of what to do with himself. Without hesitance, the younger noticed, sending him an easy smile. It kicked at his heart, giving it that heightening speed as usual.
He followed behind him through the halls before they entered a room walled with many windows, natural light pooling in and illuminating floral furniture. It was airy and refreshing even. He trailed his track until he noticed a small woman rocking in a chair, an open book in her hand and a small cat by her side
"Good afternoon," Taehyun spoke fondly, his voice soft and weighted with adoration. The lack of honorifics and comfortable language further proved Beomgyu's initial thought of their closeness, much more so.
She turned at the sound his voice, short, chocolate brown hair bouncing with her movements. "Taehyun, it's good to see you," she beamed, voice warm as her eyes formed soft crescents and wrinkled at the edges easily. She seemed like the human form of comfort and ease. She looked youthful, yet he could perceive that she was surely around her seventies.
"Is this Beomgyu-ssi?" she looked his way. He perked at the mention of his name, greetings sitting at the tip of his tongue.
"Yeah, it's him," Taehyun confirmed, already crouched down and petting the cat who curled into his touch easily.
"It's nice to meet you," Beomgyu offered a smile, going for a deep bow.
When he rose, his eyes spontaneously locked onto her gaze, which wasn't exactly on his. He readily caught notice of her agitated glimpse towards his wrist. The questioning gaze at the single heart plastered there against his will. It put him in an aroused headspace, itching to conceal the skin there.
"Likewise," she concluded, face indecipherable. Only seconds before her tone was easygoing and inviting, yet now she beamed scepticism, eyes losing their initial softness. Beomgyu felt like passing out. It was so easy for him to notice these.
People were branded by their number of hearts, it was inevitable. A person with three or four is comfortably approachable while one with five is mostly avoided.
One or two, though? They're stuck in a constant state of enduring pity. Most times, people didn't want to get attached in fear of losing them once their heart would eventually fade. They didn't have faith in these types of people.
Beomgyu was used to it. He really was. Why did he feel sick to his stomach now, then?
"We'll be out back, yeah?" Taehyun stood up abruptly, the tension neglected by him. He discarded the bag at the foot of her chair, looping his fingers softly around Beomgyu's wrist. The action relieved him in the slightest, a few of the worries trickling through the crevices of his touch.
Sooyun didn't say anything, only nodding before returning her focus to the thick book in her lap. She didn't spare another glance his way either.
Beomgyu let the younger boy bring him wherever, mind focused on his gentle touch against his wrist. Small touches like these brought him tremendous amounts of comfort, even when they shouldn't.
It made him relive what being in love felt like. Having his heart dip and race at trivial things, his thoughts momentarily clouded by his soft voice and eyes. People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of empathy toward their beloved, feeling the other person's pain as their own and being willing to sacrifice anything for the other person.
He was already sacrificing himself for him, wasn't he? That was the only setback to being so deeply in love.
It had been so long since he’d let himself feel this way. It seemed as if every detail and emotion had heightened, giving him a rush of adrenaline every time without fail. In a way, Taehyun stood out from everyone else.
The younger guided him to the backyard, bursts of colour came into his vision. She had a miniature garden lining the fencing, beds of flowers and foods dug into the soil. The colours were vibrant and grounding, sharply well cared for.
Taehyun brought them to sit on the grass by a few astray daisies and dandelions. He set his camera down beside him, sighing deeply when they were settled.
He promised to explain but Beomgyu wasn't exactly sure what he was about to dictate. Though the desire to know had been eating him up, he wanted his ease and comfort more than anything.
"You're probably curious."
"A little," Beomgyu admitted, yearning to speed up time, "I hope you know that you don't have to tell me anything if you aren't ready."
"I know," Taehyun consoled him, the corner of his lips curling upwards in the slightest. It would've gone unnoticed if Beomgyu wasn't watching him so keenly all the time. "It's okay. I trust you."
It got hard to breathe when he'd say things like that so coolly, chest tightening around his heart. Beomgyu had worked so arduously to obtain his trust for a radically different reason originally, but now that he had it, he wanted to hold it dear to himself. It was baffling how severely he wanted to destroy that trust when he'd met him, yet now he valued it and felt a sense of euphoria at the words.
He wouldn't be able to demonstrate how he got to such a point in his life.
"Where do I even start?" the younger boy laughed, a grievous undertone playing at his voice. He kept his head down, hair falling over his face. It was just enough to curtain his eyes, unreadable at most. Even though he looked better than the last time Beomgyu saw him, his body still curled inwards and his body looked heavy.
He licked his lips before opening his mouth, nothing but a shaky exhale leaving them. "When I was eleven, my dad passed away," he began, picking at the daisies hidden in the grass.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Beomgyu grimaced, taken aback by the forward statement. It was such a young age to lose a parental figure and he instantly felt the urge to hold the younger boy to offer any sort of comfort.
"It's okay, I'm okay," he shook his head curtly before advancing. "Uh, it was a confusing time for me, even though I was just a child," he paused, choosing his words tenderly, "one of my hearts nearly faded then, but I was too young to fully understand the gravity of it. My mother, though, she didn't lose any hearts when he died."
Taehyun frowned at the thought even though he was well aware of it, voice growing increasingly unsteady. "I guess she never really loved him? It was always only a hoax, I don't know why they kept going. Maybe it was for me."
Beomgyu waited for him to go on, unsure of where the discussion was leading to. It didn't reveal much, but it gave him a slight insight into his life. Was that why he was so reluctant to get close to him initially? Did it have anything to do with his arbitrary disappearances?
"That's not the point, though. Not even a year after, she started dating again and even got married. She was desperate to have some sort of support again," he pointed out, never meeting Beomgyu's eyes, "It was around my birthday. I was turning twelve on the day of their wedding. She said it was to celebrate both of us."
He had a solemn smile playing on his lips as he spoke those words. It wasn't exactly happy, nor sympathetic. It was defeated and bitter, filled to the brim with remorse. It dropped quickly after that, morphing into something of a scowl.
"He left us less than a month after, with a lot of our money and possesions, too. My mother lost her heart then," he paused, an empty silence filling the air before he whispered, "It was her last heart."
There it was.
The information struck Beomgyu, heart toppling and crashing into the pits of his stomach. His lips parted, struck of his words with the declaration.
Of course, that had to be the topic. Why wouldn't it have been?
He didn't know how to console Taehyun when his main problem was Beomgyu's most profound fear.
"Have you ever really met someone with no hearts?" Taehyun asked, voice shakier than before as his helpless eyes met Beomgyu's for the first time since he started talking. It was almost unnoticeable, but it was there. The conversation had a heavy depth towards him.
Beomgyu thought back to the man they encountered, how the meeting struck him and changed his perspective of things. His head felt light at the memory. That was when it all started going downhill, wasn't it? That was the focal point, opening his sight towards every particular possibility.
His behaviour was off and unsettling, but Beomgyu didn't know him. He couldn't say he knew how they acted.
"No," he replied, his throat feeling tight, "not personally."
A harsh scoff left Taehyun's lips once again. Not towards Beomgyu, but to the absurdity of the conversation. It was humourless. "It's a fucking nightmare. Not because of them, but because it's normal for our society and no one cares.
"I was twelve, an only child with a mother who lost the ability to love," he shook his head, dropping his head once again as his voice lowered an octave. He was holding back. "On top of that, we lost so much."
Taehyun swallowed hard, taking a second to recollect himself. Beomgyu wanted to stop him from going on, understanding how hard it was to speak of it, yet he didn't get the chance.
"It was so hard," his voice trembled, vulnerability leaking through it, "no one would help because no one understood the depth of our situation. Every day she would just sit on her bed or the floor and stare at the wall for hours, never moving.
"She stopped talking to me, stopping cooking and cleaning. She stopped caring all together. As much as I despised it, I couldn't blame her," he licked his lips again, "I had to learn on my own and take everything upon myself as she locked herself in her room all day. I had to force her to eat and take care of herself since she was incapable. All as a child.”
He stopped again, recalling himself and his thoughts. "I never had anyone to look after me. I was scared and alone and I never had time for myself. I don't know how I've made it this far on my own."
Beomgyu didn't know what to say. What could he offer in a time like this which would aid him through his discomfort? His heart felt heavy at the knowledge. It was a mirroring effect which hit him. He felt for him, his deepest hurt and heaviest burdens.
How did he make it this far on his own? Beomgyu was beyond comprehending it. His chest hurt at the thought of a young boy fending for himself and someone else. He grew up with the responsibility without a helping hand at such a young age, stripped of the love and comfort he should've gotten. He was abandoned in his early years, isolated.
He never had someone to look after him. Not a mother figure nor a father. He didn't have someone to aid his worries or bandage his cuts. No one to teach him his way through or help him dress up. Small things like learning to ride a bike or cooking his first meal were all missed out on because of unfortunate events.
Why was the world so cruel to the people who didn't deserve it?
"I had one person who helped me until..." he trailed off, not wanting to dive into another situation, "something came up and he left."
Beomgyu didn't question it. He couldn't bring himself to speak.
"I guess that's the reason I work so many jobs," Taehyun continued, gaining security in his voice, "she doesn't send me any money, she never has. I'm the main source of income for both of us. At the start, we had near to nothing, but once I was old enough to work, I started as soon as I could. That and school together was next to impossible. The little money we had left was just enough until I managed to work.
"I missed out on so many school days. I studied whenever I could fit between shifts just so I would be able to get to a point where I could get a stable income," he rambled on, the words falling easily as his wall began to fully crumble.
He continued, "That's why I take molecular biology. Photography isn't going to secure me with a proper job to support us both, even though it's my passion. I'm taking the second major in hopes of landing a stable job with a strong income.”
He was so hard on himself. Beomgyu was aware of the workload he heaved with his double major and jobs, but on top of that he had the burden of an entire being incapable of caring for herself. All this against him.
"Last week, when I left, I went to visit my mother," he emphasised, the insecurity crawling back into his voice, "I go as often as I can because I— I don't know what to do otherwise. I can't leave her alone for too long."
His frown grew, a pained expression making its way back to his face. It was the same one he homed when he was at Beomgyu's door and held him so closely. "When I went this time, she wouldn't listen to me. It's normal, I never say anything when I go, but this time she wouldn't acknowledge me at all. She pushed me away and said some things. It was so hard."
Beomgyu understood why he'd been gone for so long that time, the pieces coming into place with his side of the story. With every added point, he felt even more empathy and pain for him, wishing he could take on his worries and rid him of the hurt.
He was at loss for words. He didn't know how to offer him the solace he needed. He ached to pull him into his arms and let him stay there for as long as he needed, hands itching to do so, but he didn't know if that was what he would need. It was a mental game of tug of war and he never came down to a decision.
"I'm sorry, that was a lot," Taehyun mumbled, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He didn't let any tears fall, yet they sat there idly.
"Don't apologise," Beomgyu ultimately spoke, the lump in his voice causing his words to come out hoarse and filled with emotion. "It must've been hard to keep that in."
"It's still hard sometimes, but I'm okay now," he spoke in an attempt to reassure him even though Beomgyu could see through the lie. He was usually the one saying it, he knew how to recognise it.
"Are you really?"
Taehyun met his eyes, emotion ridden. "With you, I am."
Beomgyu opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. How could he speak such words so openly even though the effect was tremendous on him? His heart felt onerous both for him and his mental restriction, still he was longing.
How much longer could he hold back?
"Here," Taehyun broke the atmosphere, holding up a ring of daisies. Beomgyu was so immersed in his story that he hadn't taken notice of the younger weaving up a flower crown as he spoke. He placed it atop Beomgyu's head, resting deftly on his black curls.
Not even seconds later, he went for his camera, playing with the settings before holding it up and snapping a few pictures of him. Beomgyu didn't know what to do in such a position, face heating despite the heavy feeling lingering in the air. Were they just going to move past it?
"What happened to not taking pictures of people?"
"My concept is change, isn't it?" Taehyun disputed, a vague smile playing at his lips as he flicked through the few pictures he took.
Beomgyu saw him differently.
Not in a bad way fundamentally. He wasn't tainted, either. In a way, he saw him as more admirable. His ardour and affection for the boy heightened considerably after hearing so much about him. He cared for him before, but now it seemed to skyrocket. It got to a point where he felt the need to protect him as much as he could.
They stayed like that, the feeble flower crown resting atop Beomgyu's head as they conversed about various things. The heavy story lingered on his mind, answered questions clicking as time passed.
Still, Beomgyu felt frustrated with himself for not saying anything. He should've spoken to offer any comfort, yet he felt he would pour his heart out if he started. He had the three words dancing on his lips, unspoken.
Later on, they went in as the sun began to set. He didn't notice how fast time passed when he spent time with him. It was as if such things didn't exist when his mind was so fully immersed.
Taehyun was in the kitchen, preparing a small meal for the three of them. Beomgyu helped him for a while, the domesticity of it all playing games with his mind until he offered to set the table.
He shouldn't have done so.
Sooyun was sat on the far end, eyeing him as he placed everything out. Beomgyu pretended not to notice even though the feel of her glare pierced into the back of his head. Once again, he felt jittery and uneasy. That feeling atop the guilt of not speaking made his head burn.
"How long have you known him?" Sooyun spoke over the hushed ticking of the large clock, her voice startling him as his hand almost slipped.
He looked her way in an attempt of respect, unsure if he should continue his task. "Almost three months now."
"Explains a lot," she hummed. "Did he tell you?"
"Yes, he did," Beomgyu nodded quickly, hoping she was talking about their recent conversation.
"You know, he see's me as a mother figure," she spoke indifferently, her facade starting to sink. "He's over often to find some comfort from a parental figure. I don't blame him, he's never had that type of person."
Beomgyu frowned, a pang hitting his heart once again. He was right. "He's lucky to have you."
"As he has you," her face softened, any sort of malice draining from the wrinkles masking her face. "Take care of him Beomgyu-ssi."
The words took him off-guard. He did feel some sort of need to comfort him, but the severity only hit them.
It wasn't a burden, though. He was in love with him. He'd never see it that way.
He reassured Sooyun he'd do exactly so, a newfound sort of determination settling in his mind despite the blaring warning signals going off. Where was he leading himself with this?
Taehyun entered moments later, helping with the table and setting the food.
As they ate, Beomgyu easily noticed how the younger eyes sparkled when he talked to Sooyun, how his aura was much more lifted and relaxed. He was much lighter and his voice was elevated. He truly depends on her and finds so much solitude from her presence.
Beomgyu couldn't rid of the hurt he homed. He couldn't stop thinking of the burden he was forced to endure, still, he felt relieved that Taehyun had her.
Her words played on repeat in his head.
As they left a few hours later, he contemplated many things, mind racing against his thoughts and urges.
When he went to drop him off, Beomgyu didn't let him leave before bringing the younger boy in his arms, a sense of déjà vu filling the atmosphere.
He relished in the way they fit together so easily, how Taehyun rested his forehead against his shoulder with a shaky sigh of relief. His warm body against his own was enough to share the words he wished to speak. This one, unlike the last, was final.
It was set and firm, almost as if Beomgyu could let everything out then and there. With the answers to most things, he felt more devoted to him, yearning to keep him in his arms for as long as he’d let him.
But, where would that bring him? He’d be in a position of vulnerability, he knows it. He fears it so. Yet, he felt the desire outweigh the consequences. He was being blinded by the raw love for someone else that he could no longer ponder on himself.
Either way, he held him close, unbothered by the rhythmic pounding of his heart playing against his chest. He wasn't ready to let go.
Despite the obvious trainwreck he had going on with himself, he couldn't bring himself to priorities his worries. It was the wrong move, he knew it himself. He saw the end before it began.
Still, he carried on. Now, he knew his own feelings and, even though he was unsure of Taehyun's, he knew it was worth the risk.
Was it worth his last heart, though?
__________________________________________________
-Bling Bling