"Dear heart,
Why do you run from the
things that give you a pulse
...Don't fear what makes you feel"
-@hagarmohamed
Natasha's POV,
As I let sleep take over I was once again reminded of the person I once was, the person who deep down I'll always be.
Nightmare/flashback
I was back, back in the place that turned me into the monster I am today.
"Shoot" a stern voice demanded
I looked over at the person I was supposed to kill and my heart broke as I saw the young brunette.
"Wanda" I mouthed
Wanda and I had been friends since my first day at the KGB.
"I can't", I told myself
I already killed Yellena, I can't kill her too.
"Shoot, or I shoot you" the voice demanded
I then took the gun in my hands, put my hand on the trigger, aimed it at her and took my shot, not missing. I didn't want to do it, my heart broke doing it but at the KGB, if they know you care about someone they have you kill them or worse, have you two battle it out in a game of death.
I then threw the gun at the man that the voice came from "happy now" I asked him in both anger and frustration
He chuckled mischievously "you have proven to be the monster I created"
I let a single tear fall down my cheek, then the man disappeared and I was in a dark room with no source of light.
"Hello" I called
Looking for someone to answer but no one did instead I was greeted by the dead body of Yelena.
"Yel" I whispered
Then bodies continued to drop, all the body's of those I've killed in the past.
"No" I yelled tears in my eyes, I fell on my knees and looked at my hands that were covered in blood
"Their blood, is on your hands Natalia" a voice stated
"I-I was only doing what I was told" I stuttered
The voice laughed mischievously "when are you going to learn you would have done it without being told"
End of nightmare/flashback
I woke up, drenched in cold sweat, tears running down my cheeks, breathing heavily.
'Would I still have become a monster without being told?' I wonder
I was so lost in thought that I didn't even hear the door open, all I did was feel the warm embrace of a man, I looked up to see who it was, I smiled to myself it was Steve.
"You want to talk about it" he asked me softly
I sighed and shook my head "bad dream" I replied nonchalantly
He pulled away from the hug and gave me a knowing look
"You want to tell me about it" he asked again
I gave him a sad smile and sighed "you ever wonder why Fury made me an avenger" I asked
He nodded
"You remember when I was gone for a few years" I asked
He nodded again "yeah, how could I forget"
"While I was gone I did terrible things" I paused "I stole things...I k-il-l-ed people...I'm a mo-no-ster" I stated stuttering as I looked at my hands that I could still see blood on
He pulled me into his embrace holding me tighter than before "your not a monster" he said both softly and sternly
"How do you know that, you know nothing about what I've done" I questioned
"True, I don't but I can see it in your eyes, your not a monster just someone with a past just like the rest of us" he replied
Only if he knew all the terrible things I've done in the past and just a few weeks ago, his whole perspective on me would change...forever.
I gave him a half smile and laid my head on his shoulder "why are you being nice to me" I asked him curiously
He sighed "you really don't know"
I shook my head
"Because I care about you" he said
I was confused, out of all the people in the world, why does America's golden boy care about me.
"Why" I asked curiously
He chuckled lightly "your not used to people caring, are you"
I looked at my hands and sighed, remembering what happens to people that care about me, people I care about
"No...I mean other than Clint, Fury and Maria, no" I replied
"Well now you have me" he smiled
I smiled back
Great another person Dreykov can kill or make me kill for his own personal gain.
"yeah, I guess I do" I replied lowly
*ring, ring*
I heard my phone, I looked at the screen, I smiled a little but then sighed as I decided I could talk to him tomorrow, it was James, I declined the call and turned my attention back to Steve.
"Your not gonna answer that" he asked with furrowed eyebrows
"It's just James, I'll call him back tomorrow" I replied nonchalantly
He nodded before looking at the clock and getting up "well I better get going"
I don't know what happened to me but I didn't like the idea of him not being here...with me, I grabbed his wrist and he turned to look at me.
"Stay...I mean until I go to sleep, please" I begged
He gave me a soft smile and nodded before he sat down on the edge of my bed.
"You know you can lay down" I said with a small chuckle
He nodded before he laid down beside me.
The next day I was awoken by the bright light seeping through my curtains, I went to stand up when I noticed a heavy weight around my waist, I looked down to see Steve, I smiled at the sight, he looked so peaceful, like he had not a care in the world.
"Good morning" he said in a groggily morning voice as he opened his eyes
I chuckled at his morning voice, it was so cute
"Good morning" I greeted
He cocked an eyebrow "why are you laughing"
I laughed a little more "I'm not, it's just that, your cute when you wake up"
He blushed a little "so...you think I'm cute"
I rolled my eyes playfully "that's all you got from that"
He nodded "pretty much"
I chuckled and playfully hit him on his shoulder
"Ow" he winced in fake pain as he rubbed his shoulder a fake hurt face on
I rolled my eyes "you better get going, before they think there's something going on between us"
He sighed "would that be such a bad thing"
I sighed and looked into his ocean blue eyes, that made me feel like I was drowning in an ocean.
"You have no idea what happens to people I care about, people that care about me" I said softly
"I can protect myself" he said in a annoyed tone
I rolled my eyes "that's what they all say" I muttered
He sighed in annoyance and a little bit of anger "your never gonna give me a chance, are you" he asked frustrated before he stormed out of my room slamming the door behind him
I then sat up in my bed hugging my knees and letting the tears fall down my cheeks. I didn't understand, why did my heart ache so much, why did I care so much about him, why does my heart beat get faster when I'm with him, more importantly why does he care about me, of all people, when he can have any girl in the world. My thoughts got to much for me, I went to the bathroom and pulled out a razorblade and for the first time in years, I cut myself watching the blood flow down my arm and the pain seep away was so satisfying, my tears quickly subsided and I cut myself again feeling the sting of the cut but I didn't care the emotional pain hurt more then the physical pain.
"Holy shit, NAT" Clint shouted as he entered my bathroom
"I'm fine" I said not even looking at him just watching the blood sepp from my wound and onto the floor
"Like hell you are, look at your arm" he said in both anger and concern as he pointed at my fresh wound "I thought you quit" he said in a softer tone
"I did" I replied
"Then what the hell is this" he asked
I let a single tear fall "why me?"
He looked at me confused
"Why am I incapable of love" I asked
He sighed before pulling me into a hug "your not incapable of love, you love me, Laura, Copper, Lila, Nick and Maria, right"
I didn't say anything I just nodded in agreement