Recommended song- Ruth B- Dandelions (Slowed & Reverb)
Nari dug through her backpack, a huff of frustration sending a strand of her hair fluttering into the air. Her history textbook was nowhere to be found and she was becoming sure she never put it back in her backpack after flinging it somewhere in her room the day before. The struggle continued and she flicked through book after book when the blur of an object being dropped on her table made her look up, Gwang-il's soft and glittering.
Nari looked down at the novel laying on her desk and wondered if she should accept it or reject it and focus fully on her schoolwork.
'You can be a kid...'
The thought took a second to rush through Nari's mind after which she looked up at Gwang-il and flashed a genuine smile filled with gratitude, a smile that she had never shown anyone ever before. Her bangs fell gracefully on the side of her face, doe eyes puffed in happiness and squishy pink gums on full display.
Nari watched his face twitch into shock through crescent moons before something deadly manifested and flashed through his expression, his soft eyes falling into hooded blades. Nari's smile melted into choking suffocation, the blood running from her face as she watched him gently jerk an eyebrow up to greet her and walk away with a lazy hand tucked into his pocket, annoyance oozing out from under his messy dress shirt.
Nari gripped her skirt, blood rushing to the places in her palm where her nails dug painfully. Her breathing increased, almost on the edge of hyperventilation as a ball of pulsating lava seeped down her throat. She sunk into her chair, a shaky hand clasping her nose and mouth shut in an attempt to stop any hiccups of sadness from spilling out, the other wrapping around her body and digging into her ribs, desperately trying to stop her body from jerking.
Never again. Never again would she show emotion. This was it. If this was the cost of living with feeling it wasn't worth it because this was the worst feeling and Nari could barely bear it.
Once again Nari was mentally absent from her class, her heart drowning quietly in a cesspool of agony as vocabulary and formulas faded into the background.
However, halfway through the class a small, but broken giggle slipped past her puffy lips, causing the sound of chalk screech on the board to halt.
This is what she wanted, THIS is what Nari wanted...to feel something and by god did Gwang-il deliver. And the giggle was a clue to how stupid Nari found herself once she realized this is what she wanted.
Mr. Park stared worryingly at Nari, her glossy eyes staring back at him for what felt like an eternity before her chair finally shattered the quiet by jittering against the tile floor. "Excuse me," Nari mumbled as confused gazes escorted her from the class.
-
At the end of an excruciatingly long day of hiding away in the restrooms, Nari stood bravely stood in front of Gwang-il's car, waiting to burn any of the bridges that had been built between them, and if she could she would stay and watch them sizzle with the reassuring hand of her mother resting on her shoulder.
Nari licked her crackling lips as she watched the undulating group of boys approach her, his eyes already on her.
"I knew she would be back." One of them slithered up to Nari and twirled a piece of her hair around his finger.
Nari ignored him with a grimace and held the book out to Gwang-il, "Take it." Her voice was monotone, "I don't want anything from you."
Gwang-il stared at her, blinking softly, his hand resting in his pants pockets, "You didn't finish it." He pointed out, noticing the bookmark still in the front of the book. He tilted his head, watching Nari like a lion watching its prey, intense, focused, and dangerous. The deep corner of his plump lip threatened to pull into a smirk,
"So," Nari looked bored and dropped the book at his feet, dusk flaring up around the impact area. "Thank you." Nari smiled sarcastically, "For being such a dick today, it really taught me a lot ." She turned to walk away but was yanked back by the collar.
The sound of skin on skin made the students around them stop in their tracks. A familiar burn dusted Nari's cheek, if there weren't the sound of cars zooming past, she would swear she was right back home.
Nari let her head hang to the side for a while until a breeze alerted her to the cut on her lip. She sighed, looking back at the boy who slapped her with hooded eyes, she was tired, a deeper tired than just physically a tired that had begun penetrating her soul.
"Is that all?" She whispered, a tiny sliver of blood trickling down her chin. Kwang-hoon's eyes grew wide with rage, bulging out of his skull, his sharp jaw flexing. "Do me a favor while you're at it..." Nari sighed weakly, "Finish me off."
An evil smile cut into his face, his grip tightening on Nari's shirt and lifting her to her tippy toes. "I'm going to fucking kill you." He spat but with a nod from Gwang-il, he was dragged away from Nari, not without resisting though, like a dog going for a bone.
Nari dropped back onto her feet, almost too weak to hold herself up, and simply turned to walk home, ignoring the profanities being hurled at her and Gwang-il's prying eyes.
-
Somehow Nari managed to slip into the bathroom without Aunt Hana noticing her presence in the apartment, carefully shutting the door behind her.
She stared into the mirror; dark circles framed her swollen eyes which were evidence that she failed to fight the tears on the long walk home. Nari let out another weak laugh wondering how she could be so stupid to believe these people and not her mother, being naïve enough to want this. Look where being a kid landed her, alone, lonelier than she had ever been, with a stinging lip.
"Who's in there?" Aunt Hana wiggled the door handle, flinging it open to see Nari leaning over the sink, looking sickly pale and far too weak to react.
"Nari?" Her Aunt sounded a mixture of confused and worried. Nari looked up and the horrid gasp that left her Aunt's throat stung her ears, Nari cringing in response.
Aunt Hana rushed to Nari, cupping a dreary face in her soft hands. "What in God's name happened?"
Nari blinked slowly, "I tried being a kid." Those five words pulled the light from her Aunt's eyes and if you listened closely, you could hear the cracks being formed in her heart.
Nari's voice was hoarse and broken, her screams still lingering over the golden field where she collapsed on her way home. The tall grasses obstructed her view of everything but the beaming blue sky.
She looked dead.
Like she had been mutilated and dumped, but she had, she had been mutilated but the bleeding was internal and it was drowning her soul. The feeling of suffocation swelled and balled in her chest until she screamed so viscously her back arched from the dirt, her body contorting as if blood was being expelled from her lungs.
The aged woman's hands shook uncontrollably, staring at Nari with buzzing eyes. "I'm never smiling again." That was the last thought that pushed Nari to tears, her face contouring, pulling at her bloody lip.
In an instant, she was wrapped up in comforting arms, Aunt Hana rocking her calmingly back and forth as Nari's body hiccupped, screams of pain echoing through the house, bloody finger clawing at her Aunt's cardigan.
Nari was torn straight down the middle between wanting emotion and not being wanted by emotion.
"It's okay, it's going to be okay." Aunt Hana soothing smoothed out Nari's ponytail just as the front door clicked open, causing a sudden surge of panic to run through Nari as she pulled away and frantically splashed water on her face, not wanting to even guess how her Uncle would react.
"Why is he here so early?" She huffed, fat droplets of water threatening to slither up her nose. "Military welcome dinner." Aunt Hana hushed and rushed out to go greet her husband, quietly shutting the door behind her.
Nari knotted her brows, that being the first time she heard about the dinner but the questions quickly faded to the back of her mind when the bathroom door clicked open again, her Aunt's slender hand holding a concealer and nude lipstick. Nari took it gently and watched the hand disappear, the couple's conversation spilling in under the door as they moved from the front door to the kitchen.
The inexperienced teenager began quickly trying to cover her bruised and bloody lip. Nari ignored the stinging sensation as the concealer settled into the cut and continued struggling to cover the bruises that were spreading across her chin, her blood already dried to black on Kwang-hoon's ring.
It took about 10 grueling minutes for the normal Nari to appear in the mirror again, enough time for the puffiness around her eyes to subside. Dull eyes scanned her face, her blinks were heavy, and each time her eyes closed it became harder and harder to open them again.
After a few more minutes of encouraging lies to herself, Nari left the bathroom to find her Aunt and Uncle relaxing with some tea in the kitchen, a calm conversation flowing between them, Aunt Hana skilfully hiding any signs of worry.
Aunt Hana eyed Nari like a hawk the moment the young girl turned the corner into the kitchen, ensuring she looked okay, and when she was satisfied, she flashed Nari a warm smile. Nari clenched her jaw, a stern pout puffing her lips as her eyes drifted away from the smile.
"You were in there for a long time." Uncle Hyun chuckled, leaning over and ruffling Nari's hair as she stopped next to him to wrap her hands around the warm cup of tea. "Sorry." She mumbled absentmindedly and blew softly over her cup, steam outlining the patterns of her breath.
"So, are you excited for tonight?" He asked, taking another sip of his tea, leaning casually on the kitchen counter. His military uniform which consisted of a brown blazer and trousers, decorated with many clanking and shiny medals, was messily unbuttoned and disheveled.
"Tonight?" Nari's eyes remained fixed on the teacup, carefully bringing it to her lip, the sting was quick and painful but the heat that radiated onto the cut after was soothing.
A surprised sound peeped from Aunt Hana as she softly knocked herself on the head. "I forgot to tell her." She giggled at her forgetfulness. "The military welcome dinner tonight happens every year." She explained.
Nari hummed in understanding, her hooded and dull eyes flicking first to her Uncle, "I hope you have fun." Then to her Aunt, who she wanted to avoid for the foreseeable future before dropping down to stare at the teacup again.
The skinny man chuckled, "I'm not going alone."
Nari's eyes flicked back up to her Aunt and awkwardly rephrased, "I hope the two of you have fun." She said, carefully watching for their reaction, her heart dropping when they shared a secretive glance.
"Honey, maybe we should let her stay home, she's had a long day." Her Aunt quickly perked up, trying to save Nari from the long night ahead. "No, absolutely not." Uncle Hyun shook his head vigorously and put down his tea to make his way between the two women, his arms wrapped around their shoulders, "We're going as a family." He smiled, giving them a squeeze. "A family that has a lot to celebrate!" He clapped triumphantly, a large grin pulling at his cheeks, eluding to the promotion he had received a few weeks ago that was coming into effect that night.
-
Nari sat with her eyes closed in the backseat of the humming vehicle, she should have known no amount of whining and peace offerings would get her out of attending, even if her Aunt had her back, Uncle Hyun wanted her to socialize, and apparently, this was the social event of the year.
The car slowed to a stopped and Nari lifted her lids, a gleaming golden mansion consuming her vision. Gold gleaming flecks appeared in her eyes as she took in all the luxury from the perfectly pedicured garden to the gold detailed windows.
Even the air smelt expensive and Nari relished the sweet breeze that came swirling through the Jasmine trees as she treaded the many steps to the front door.
In the foyer, massive portraits of the passed supreme leaders hung overhead, in solid gold frames. Nari watched curiously as a helper rushed to her and gently slid off her coat, revealing the little black hanbok that her Aunt had laid out while Nari hid away in the bathroom, a habit Nari was quickly developing.
Nari pulled at the hem uncomfortably, it wasn't too short, but she had never been in a dress before, and this was much shorter than her school skirts.
Only a matter of moments later a drink was served to her on a silver tray, a gold liquid gently bubbling in the champagne glass, something Nari had never tasted.
Attentively, the family was ushered into the main entertainment area on the second floor. A large room with accents of dark oak, and a lit fireplace cast a warm orange glow on the otherwise grim room. A heavy cloud of smoke had already begun to build prompting one of the servants to open the double doors to a small balcony, the breeze instantly causing the thick velvet curtains to flap.
For the first part of the night, Nari followed her Aunt around like a lost pup as they hopped from one conversation to another, each interaction following the same formula.
The introduction, a question about the family, a joke, gossip.
Aunt Hana was a master of the formula, she knew what to say and who to say it to, it was impressive considering the fact that she came from the same background as Nari, a small village on the edge of the country. When she married Uncle Hyun she was thrown to the wolves, snarky comments from women who thought they were better than her, but she adapted quickly, learning the ways of the Pyeongyang elite.
"Everyone please move to the dining room!" A neat servant announced from the doorway, motioning to the room across the hallway. People began swarming from the room, still invested in their meaningless conversation, hands tightly gripping their wine.
There were multiple circular tables spread out across the marble dining room, and the seating was hierarchical. The Generals of the Army, the highest rank of officers, were seated right in the center of the room, the further the table was from the center, the lower the ranking. Nari knew her Uncle was a general of some sort so she expected to be close to the center of the room.
"Congrats on the promotion, Dong-Hyun." A tipsy man hung on Uncle Hyun, his face bright red with intoxication. Nari looked over the tables, her gaze jumping closer and closer to the tables at the center of the room until they landed on the table right in the center of all the buzz. 'Baek Nari' was written neatly on a name card placed on the gold silk tablecloth. Nari pouted, arching her brows, impressed and proud of her Uncle who had started with nothing from the very pits of society and ended as the elite of the nation. Uncle Hyun eyed Nari, noticing her expression prompted him to ruffle her hair, "I'm cool, I know." He grinned before guiding his family to their seats.
They weren't sat alone for long before the other General appeared, approaching the three seats open for him and his family. Nari, her aunt, and her uncle quickly got up to greet them and bow. Nari's face was soft and polite until she met his eyes. Gwang-il stood proudly across the table, his hand clasped behind his back. This collar folded neatly, unlike his messy school collar. His hair gelled back, reflecting the soft glow of the candles. His face was expressionless as he took a moment to just stare at Nari before a soft blink stretched his lips into a bright smile.