•Chapter warnings: little bit of smut with a dash of a panic attack. Enjoy!•
One side of my body fills with fear, bone-chilling, blood-curdling, fear. The other half fills with longing, a need, a sense of pining. As his eyes find mine in the mirrors, I feel frozen in place. I shift my weight from one foot to the other, suddenly loosing all sense of confidence I had coming to 'train'. I clear my throat but keep my eyes on his through the mirror. "If you're here to check on me, I'm still me." I wrap my hands around my arms, breaking my eyes away from his to look around at the equipment spaced around the large room.
I hear him chuckle followed by a few hollow footsteps. "I recall you saying you're not trained in combat," he says and I turn on my heel to face him. He smiles before continuing his sentence. "Figured it'd be a fair fight now." He gestures to his neck and I feel my cheeks flush.
I take a few steps back across the mat, shaking my head. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Bucky," I mumble and look down to my hands. "I don't trust myself yet, to be around you it might trigger something..." I trail off, not knowing what the hell I'm talking about.
"You wanna tell me what happened?" He raises a brow at me and I look around the room again, weighing the pros and cons of each situation. I brush my hair away from my face and fold my arms across my chest. "Or how about this," he says and my eyes shoot back to him. "Let's make a deal, yeah? Fair fight, I pin you, you tell me what happened. You pin me, I'll give you your birthday present."
My brows furrow at his words. "Birthday present?" I scoff, "Bucky, I never told you when my birthday was."
"Doesn't mean I didn't know when it was," he mumbles as he steps closer to me, confidence oozing from his tone. I feel my breathing hitch in my throat as he steps closer. "Do we have a deal?" He raises a brow at me quizzically.
"Depends, what kind of 'fair fight' are you referring to?" I smirk at him through my words, knowing he could take me down in a second with me not having my powers to my advantage. "Cause where I'm standing, you're still a super soldier and I don't have anything." I shrug and wait for him to negotiate his way out of this.
"You wanna know how to fight in combat, right?" He tilts his head at me, still a safe distance away but close enough that my heart has found its way into my throat.
I nod.
"Then we have a deal," he remarks in a cocky tone. I bite the inside of my cheek, feeling the blood rush to my face under his stare.
My eyes wander him for a moment, wishing I could hear what he's thinking in this moment. "Fine," I say with a grin. "But, no super soldier tricks or you'll pay for it." I step back onto the mat, the soft light from the ceiling illuminating both of us and casting shadows down onto the blue tarp.
"Your move first, then," he grumbles as he crouches down a bit, lowering to my height. I fake a smile and ponder whether I can pull off a move I've only seen on gritty security camera footage too long ago. "While we're still young, please," he retorts jokingly.
I smirk at him before pulling down on his right arm, lowering him even more. Quickly, I throw my leg around his shoulder and the other follows. Making him stand upright followed by his hands flying to my back, prohibiting me from leaning backward to knock him down.
I purse my lips, trying to think of an alternative. He grunts as he tries to pry my legs away with his inhumane strength. When I see his strength beginning to beat mine I push out a breath and swing myself to the side, knocking him off of his balance and making him fall to the ground. I land back on the mat with one hand supporting me letting out a breathy chuckle, relieved I actually was able to pull a move off that a once superior trained assassin performed.
He groans as he catches his breath. "Not very original on your part, Nadya," he says breathlessly.
I chuckle and stand from the mat. "You never said anything about having to be original, Sergeant Barnes," I joke.
He eyes me for a moment before grabbing my ankle, eliciting a gasp from me. He rips it out from under me, making me fall straight back onto the mat. I hold my breath when his hand catches my head from hitting the ground. "I guess we both won, huh?" He snidely remarks as his hands move to grab my own, pinning them beside my head despite my strength failing me to keep them down.
I huff out a breath and look up to him, feeling my cheeks flush a bright pink. "If you say so," I mutter, feeling his cool breath fan over my face. I squirm under his hold, trying to ignore the flashbacks of the hallucinations running through my brain at full speed.
"I do say so," he says in a low voice while running a cool finger down my cheek. I watch his eyes follow his finger all the way down to my collar bones to the side of my ribs. "I don't know what I would've done if I lost you."
My breathing quickens as his fingers slide underneath my tank top, grazing the skin on my ribcage. "I'm here now," I respond, my head feeling foggy. His hand lets mine go and I bring them to his face, running my fingers along the stubble that's accumulated heavily. A sharp breath escapes his lips as I brush my fingers through the hair at the back of his neck.
My breathing gets stuck in my throat when he harshly presses his lips against mine, his grip on my side tightening as if he'll never let me go. Without question, I open my mouth to him, allowing him to deepen the kiss. His hand runs through my hair until he grasps the back of my neck. I feel the way he's missed me, the way he grieved me, the way he searched for me in the way his lips move against mine. I gasp for air when he pulls away, trailing open-mouthed kisses down my neck to my collar bones.
"I missed you," he breathes between kisses, "so much."
I pull on his hair as my eyes drift shut, taking in every sensation I took for granted. The way his presence calms my mind, the way his eyes make me blush every time he looks at me, the way his hands feel like a weight holding me down to Earth. "I missed you too."
He comes back up and leans his forehead against mine. "Yeah?" He asks with a smirk.
"Yes," I say with a small smile as he leans back in, pressing his lips to mine once again gently.
Murder the murderer.
I grimace at the thought entering my mind along with the panic that comes with it. However, the thought didn't come from someone else, it came from my own mind, my own voice. The dark crevices that hold the homicidal tendencies I have for the man I feel the most for. "Bucky," I manage to say.
He pulls away immediately. "What's wrong?" He asks, his voice laced with concern as his thumb draws aimless patterns on my cheek.
I shake my head, trying to clear the dark thoughts from my mind. "Nothing, I just-"
"It's okay," he interrupts me as if knowing what I was going to say. "In your own time, doll." I feel my cheeks redden when he presses a kiss to my forehead and my cheek. He smiles at me for a moment, studying my face under his withering stare. He sits up and pulls me by my arms to sit next to him. "I have a present to give to you, per our deal." He smirks at me as he laces his fingers through mine.
I shake my head again. "You didn't have to get me anything, Bucky," I say and lean my head on his shoulder.
"Who says I bought it?" His metal hand disappears into his pocket before pulling something silver out of it. He drops it into my hand and I furrow my brows at him. "I didn't steal it, Nadya," he chuckles.
I chew on my lip as I unravel my fist. My eyes widen at the gift he's given me, feeling my heart squeeze with adoration. "Bucky," I tilt my head to the side as I pull the chain from my palm. I flip over the two tags sliding over the silver chain, seeing they're his dog-tags from when he was in the war. "I can't accept this, Bucky, these belong to you." I hold my palm out, intending on giving them back.
He shakes his head at me. "Nope, they belong to you." He brushes the hair out of my face gently. "Just like I do," he adds and my breathing stops for a moment. I smile as tears gather in my eyes, feeling an overwhelming amount of adoration and warmth swimming inside me.
He pulls the chain from my palm and drops it around my head, watching the way the tags drop down onto my chest. "Happy-well late birthday. I hope you like it," he smiles at me while brushing my hair away from my neck.
"I-I love it," I say through a smile cracking my cheeks open. "Thank you so much." I throw my arms around his shoulders, pulling him flush against me. Both his arms tighten around my lower back and I relish in the stark difference of his flesh arm and his vibranium one.
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I huff out a breath seeing Bucky laugh so hard that his nose is scrunched up at my failed attempt to do as instructed. "It's not funny!" I exclaim while pushing my hair out of my face. I stand from the mat after falling onto it, again.
He shrugs his shoulders, still laughing moronically at me. "It's a little funny." I roll my eyes and wait for him to calm down, wanting to join him in the joke but feeling a bit embarrassed that it's at my expense. "Come on, let's get out of here," he says while nodding his head to the door.
I follow him back to the kitchen, staying in the doorway as he walks in quietly and turns the lights on. I suppress a smile as he grabs the tea kettle from the cupboard and places it on the stove after filling it with water. "Does Bucky Barnes drink tea now?" I ask, the sarcasm laying thick in my voice as I walk into the kitchen.
"Yeah, actually," he responds and the grin wipes itself off of my face. He sits across from me at the island and runs his hand through his hair. "Sometimes," he adds with a light chuckle.
I smile to myself and look down to my hands, just now noticing the small cuts on my palms that have healed significantly. "Has Strange said anything?" I ask, a sliver of hope clamoring inside of me that I might actually stop this nightmare.
He shakes his head solemnly. "Sam said he's still working on it." I lower my head, feeling that small hope diminish at the words. "We'll fix this," he says and I look back up to him, seeing how sure he is of that just by the look in his eyes. I nod slightly and turn my palms flat against the counter. "You still owe me your half of the deal."
My brows knit together in confusion. "What?"
"You haven't said a word about what happened since you got back, Nadya. I can help, I've been there," he explains and I take a deep breath.
"Maybe I'm not ready to relive it," I scoff, "you weren't one for bringing up the past before, either." I grimace at my words, hearing them sound more harsh than I intended them to be.
"You don't have to tell me everything but maybe it'll help if we know what they did. Cause it wasn't what they did to me, exactly, was it?"
I press my fingers to my forehead, willing myself to stay calm. "They forced me to have hallucinations," I mumble, "hallucinations of you, my family, Sam, and even Walker." I look back up to him and purse my lips, knowing he wants more information than this. "They wanted me to kill you, to replace you as The Winter Soldier."
"Do you remember where they took you?" He asks in a flat tone, sounding more angry than concerned.
I shake my head. "I have no idea where I was." I watch as his lips form a hard line and he leans back into his chair. My eyes glance down to see his hands bawled into fists on his thighs.
"Guess you can say I told you so," I add with a humorless chuckle. He looks up at me with narrowed eyes and I feel my heart sink. "A-about Austin, because you were right." I smile at him, trying to diffuse the tension that has made the air in the kitchen heavier than it should be.
"I didn't want to be right," he fumes.
"I didn't mean it like that, I just-" I press my palm to my face, trying to get my racing brain back on track. "I just don't think I can talk about this quite yet." I sigh and trace my fingers along the granite countertop.
I flinch when he grabs my hand, cradling it in his vibranium one. "All in your own time, Nadya," he repeats his words from before. "You're not in this alone."
I nod, feeling tears come to my eyes. "I know," I sigh. I feel his cold finger run along one of the cuts in my palm and I gasp, ripping my hand away from his at the feeling.
"Nadya?" He says as he stands as well. I hold my hand out to him, silently telling him to keep his distance as I grasp my chest, feeling as if it's collapsing in on itself. I grip the wall next to me, trying to keep the air flowing into my lungs when it feels as if it's too thick to fit.
My hands tremble with adrenaline coursing through them, making me feel as if my control is lost. "Hey, it's okay-" A cold hand grabs my arm gently, standing me up straight and I feel that last sliver of control slip through the cracks.
"Don't!" I exclaim breathlessly and feel my breathing leave me at the reflection of my eyes in the window behind him. I avoid his eyes, trying to count my heartbeat but it's going to fast for me to comprehend. My lip quivers as I look back up to him, finding him with a look just as pained as mine. "I'm sorry-"
"It's okay," he says in a calm voice, releasing his hold on my arm. "We'll try again tomorrow, okay?" He smiles weakly at me and purse my lips, scolding myself. "Hey." I look up and see he's just arms-length away from me. I want to reach out, to pull him to me and never let him go but I can't. "One day at a time," he says like a promise before stepping closer to me and pressing a chaste kiss to my forehead.
"One day at a time."
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