I got home later that night after spending my shift getting every thing wrong because Lee was all I cold think of!
How hot he looked leant against his car and how my heart nearly puked with excitement as soon as I set eyes on him. How the sound of his voice had made my body buzz as my blood surged with adrenaline. How he had defended me and wanted to kill a man for touching me, possessiveness can be hot! How sexily he sat in the driving seat of an amazing car. His hands on the wheel so casually steering and in control, changing gear at ease. His dark grey trousers clinging to his thighs and polished leather shoes adjusting the pedals. The way the seat belt slid across to his muscular chest and lap, reminding me of the time I had my head in it.
Yep, I was a mess and had cried in the toilet twice at work because even though I had only seen Lee for a short amount of time, I missed him and was so lonely and miserable. I had even kept the wrapper of the granola bar he gave me because he had touched it and it made me feel closer to him.
I realised the flat was warm, there was gas, electric and the fridge was full. Even meals I could heat in the microwave. Fresh bread and a tray of some terribly mis-shaped slightly burnt cookies. I cried my eyes out as put the kettle on realising Lee must have done it for me. I was embarrassed to be in this state and felt a charity case but I really did need help and I couldn't look a gift horse in the mouth... or lion.
I took a bite of the ugly but delicious cookies. Suri never fails to make a good batch. I missed her so much and closed my eyes trying to picture her face and the concentration on it as she makes her cookies. The way her tongue sticks out a bit as she gets her hands dirty squidging it all together.
"You're back, sorry I fell asleep," Lee said behind me in a tired voice.
I spun around, "Wh... what...what are you doing here?"
"Conrad let me in. It's the weekend. I thought I'd spend it with you."
"But I have work," I replied stupidly.
"You won't be able to get there. It's going to snow. Really bad," he said smiling and I knew he meant he'd arranged it.
"What about the kids?"
"All sorted, and I have wine, so get over here and give me a cuddle because you've been at work for hours," he said putting his arms out. I ran over to him, I couldn't help myself.
"Thank you," I said squeezing him to death, feeling the burden of being lonely ease a while.
"I was going to make dinner but if you want to go out for a meal before the snow..."
"No! I want to be alone with you," I said quickly without thinking but as soon as I said it I felt embarrassed, ashamed of what I'd become and the state in which he found me.
"Are you ok?" he asked leaning back to look at my face, tilting my chin up with his finger so he could see me.
"No, no I'm not," I replied. "I'm sorry you found me like this. I'm so ashamed of myself."
"It's my fault you are in this position," he replied.
"No, no it isn't."
"It is Mae, you are my wife. I should be looking after you," he said.
"Are we still married?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Oh... did you not think we were married?" he asked leaning around to look at my face.
"Well I had to leave and give you the ring back. I've been on my own all this time so I didn't think we were and I definitely didn't feel it," I admitted.
"Here," he said pulling my hand out from under the blanket. He took his wedding ring off and placed it on my finger. I looked at the lions parading proudly around it and smiled. "You hold on to that until we get yours back," he said and kissed it.
"It's a bit big but I love it!" I said as I kissed it too and felt a warm glow. "I thought you might have found someone else by now and lived happily ever after."
"You're my happily ever after Mae. I'm not leaving you here alone to fend for yourself again and get victimised by your tutor. We will sort something out whilst I keep trying to get us back together properly. It's just difficult with you being..."
"Human," I said finishing off his sentence.
"Yeah," he said "But I am working on every angle. I promise and I won't fail."
"I'm failing class..."
"Because he is inept not you. I would offer to help with your papers but I was rubbish at that stuff. I only became a decent lawyer when I had real cases and peoples lives depended on me getting it right. I will find someone to help you if you want?"
"I don't think I even want to do it anymore. I hate it."
"Because he has tainted it for you. Take some time and think about why you chose it. If you still want to leave, that is your choice but don't let some moron take that away from you. I sorry I wasn't here to for you."
Memories of a month ago when I really just wanted to take my own life and be with my sister flooded my mind. I had the tablets, a bottle of wine and I was ready to slip silently into my goodnight but I fell asleep after days of insomnia and by the time I woke the next morning I was late for Uni and rushed out the door. In hindsight, I should have stayed home and got on with it but I didn't as I was on autopilot, I woke up, and thought 'shit I'm late' and run out of the flat. When I sat in class I remembered the anguish of having no one to write a goodbye note to. No one to notice I was missing or pay for the funeral. No wonder I couldn't get my papers right when my mind was elsewhere. When I got home that night I was determined to do it as soon as I got in but I couldn't find the tablets and by the time I drank to wine and curled up freezing cold in bed I just cried till I fell asleep.
"I'm always alone," I sobbed.
"It's ok, I'm here. You're not alone anymore," he said hugging me tight reminding me of the first time we met at the hospital when my sister died.
"I'm always told to leave," I said remembering the night I left him and all the failed relationships I've had, right back to my mother kicking me out at 15.
"I'm here," he replied holding me tight.
"For now but then you'll be gone and I'll be alone again."
"I have already asked if we can see more of each other."
"You did?" I asked looking up at him.
He nodded and I knew it was true. "I know what you tried to do Mae. Conrad took your pills and made you sleep instead. If you take your own life, you can't be with your sister. Have you never heard of purgatory?"
I nodded. "I hate my life. I just to be with my sister and the baby. If I hadn't lost it, I would have had the baby by now and it would have loved me forever."
I started to cry harder again.
"Of course it would. What's not to love? You are amazing Mae. I don't want you to think about harming yourself again, and stop wishing for life threatening diseases so you can refuse treatment and die in a hospital on your own."
I was shocked, how did he know I had done that? Conrad!
"I keep thinking if I had the baby I would never be alone, and no one could take it from me, like they had with Suri and the twins but that's wrong as someone already did. They killed my baby and I got cast out," I sobbed.
"Come cuddle over here with me," Lee said pulling me over to the sofa. He lay down, pulled me on top of him and the blanket off the back of the chair. "I missed you," he said hugging me tight.
"I've missed you too," I said holding onto him for dear life.
"You are not cast out. You were allowed to go back to a life you were supposed to live, instead of being thrown into ours. Conrad's father can tell your true hearts desire and yours wanted to go back to your old life and get away from everything and everyone."
"Yeah but not you and the kids, I just wanted the rest to go away and ..."
"If you can't accept the lion you can't fully accept me into your heart and he can't allow a union like that, especially with a Grayson."
"But I have a book on lions now and I watched some programmes."
"You did?" he seemed surprised.
"Yeah, I haven't quite made it to the zoo and there are pages in the book I can't look at as they are too scary but I tagged them and I am going to keep trying a little bit at a time to get used to it."
"You don't have to.."
"I want to," I said determined to be honest and brave. "I even looked at going to one of those tiger sanctuaries with monks where you can meet the tigers, but they have them on leads and they look sad so I don't like that."
"Are you scared of tigers?" he asked.
"Sometimes but not as much as lions. If they look a certain way, like fierce, I hate it but I can watch them without hiding behind my hands. I watched some Lion Man and that was good but then I looked it up and saw the keeper I liked got killed by his favourite lions because Lion Man was sacked by his own mother. Shitty mother, angry lions and being eaten by one... no thank you!"
He chuckled.
"Oh and there is horrible picture of a tiger attacking underwater which I can't look at. I totally shit myself to the point I cried and was too scared to uncover my eyes to shut the laptop."
"You silly arse, you are supposed to scared that is it 'rarrrr' face."
"Rarrr face," I repeated laughing. "Do you have a rarrr face?" I asked leaning up to look him in the eye.
"I have several but I am not showing that you as you are a scaredy cat," he replied teasing me.
"Can you show me one?" I asked.
"Ok," he said taking a deep breath. I braced myself. "Rarrr," he yelled and tickled me to death.
"Ahhhh, that is... not... scary!" I said between fits of giggles and a whole lot of wiggling.
"Well that is as scary as I am getting with you," he said hugging me close.
"I love that you are here," I said hugging him tighter.
"I'm not going anywhere," he whispered stroking my hair .
"Someone always turns up and takes you away Lee."
"Not this time. Are you ready to get snowed in with me?" he asked squeezing me tight. "It will be like our own little igloo," he said giving me an Eskimo kiss.
I giggled as he entwined his sock covered feet with mine, reminding me of our feet cuddle under the table the last time we were together.
I had left that night and stayed in a hotel for a while. I moved to a different city where I was accepted on a course. I rented a house and paid my Uni's fees, as I wasn't entitled to a grant. I sold the car a few months ago as I needed money and couldn't afford to keep it on the road. What little money was left in my account didn't help with much. I had a separate account for Suri's money but I had cut that card up when I first left as that money belonged to whoever was raising her. It was her trust fund. I moved into the tiny flat once I couldn't afford the house and continued to struggle. I could have looked for a shared house but I couldn't be guaranteed one day that my past would come back to haunt me and that was putting other lives at risk so I cut everyone off. I hadn't seen or spoken to Wendy in months. Friends can go months without seeing or speaking and we were in that phase.
I listened to Lee's heart beating as I lay against his chest.
"Do you know the last time I had a cuddle was when I held Suri?" I fought back the tears and noticed his heart speed up. "Well other than Conrad earlier."
"I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner," he whispered and kissed the top of my head. "I'm going to cuddle you to death this weekend."
"No I am going to cuddle you to death," I giggled.
"I bet I can 'out cuddle' you," he teased.
"A 'cuddle off'?" I asked.
"Mmm hmm," he said.
"Oh it is on, it is soooo on," I said and squeezed him with all my might.
"Don't use all your cuddle power at once," he said as I stifled a yawn. "Now lie still and snuggle. That's an order."
"Yes boss," I said yawning again. Cuddling under a blanket was so soothing that I was fighting sleep, after an emotional day at Uni, shift at work and now this heart to heart. My eye lids grew heavy as he stroked my hair and pressed his lips to my head.
"Lets have a power nap," he whispered and that was all the permission I needed to crash out against his chest whilst wishing he could stay forever.