I almost tripped on my haste to leave the gallery and answer to Mama's call. Or maybe fleeing was just a petty excuse to drive back to Quentin's condo and never return after what has just happened.
Nearing the door, the camera flashes felt like an assault of a hundred dagger eyes on me, the spectacle of madness that I am, as it is obviously heavy on my face, the fright, and disbelief. Kung hindi lang ako pinigilan ni Quentin para ibigay sa akin ang cellphone ko ay magtutuloy-tuloy ako palabas nang hindi man lang namamalayan na wala akong ibang hawak kundi ang sariling panginginig at ang alaala ng mga nagdaang segundo. I walked out of that door leaving half of my sanity tied in a leash and was held by either the hallucination, figment of a dream or the prayer himself...
"....Are you alright?"
Tila kakahila pa lamang sa akin mula sa laot ay luminaw ang ugong sa paligid. Kahit na ang mga ilaw ay masyadong maliwanag para sa akin na nabubulag ako at nasisilaw pa nang binalingan si Quentin. He asked me something, but I only heard the last bits of it.
"D." Holding my arm, he lightly shook me. His face tight with concern.
Seeing another man's face led me to hope that the other's going to run after me and I would see his face instead. Kinurap ko ang mga mata, inasahan na matunghayan ang unti-unting paghulma ng ibang mukha at makita ang mga pagbabago ngunit sa nagtagal na segundo, si Quentin pa rin ang nasa harapan ko.
"Call your Mom back," he gingerly commanded and enclosed my fingers with the phone in my hand.
Parang kinalabit ang utak ko at natauhan, kumurap muli ako at tumango. I pushed the glass doors and stepped out of the gallery, hunting down a solemn place to talk to Mama and my-- Oh god, Sal and Dorcas! Malamig ang kamay kong sumampal sa aking bibig para pigilan ang tulak ng hikbi.
It never occured to me to ask anyone if what I have heard back there was real. If... if I indeed felt him in me or was I alone in the dark all along?
How can I face the people back home once I find out it was just my desperation taking its toll? On the other hand, I knew I felt him. I held him and I kissed him... But I couldn't find the courage to look back and catch him watching me walk away or... find no one. Paano kung hindi pala... wala pala?
Pero ano pa nga ba ang ikinakatakot ko kung bago pa man ang gabing ito, tuluyan ko na rin namang tinanggap ang nangyari? I have set my mind to start anew so if that wasn't real back there, if I just lured my last attempt of coping mechanism to get by, or to gratify my thirst for a new memory, then so what?
Nanghahapdi ang dibdib ko. Doon ko pa lang natanto na kanina pa ako naglalakad nang maramdaman ang pangangalay ng aking mga paa kasabay sa pag-vibrate ng cellphone ko. I didn't bother to know where I am inside the hotel. Drained and the shock still hissing in my veins, I leaned against the wall nearest to me.
"Ma--"
"Samara, is it true?" She started sans preamble and went straight to the point.
"Ano?"
"It's all over the news!" She bursted almost hysterically. "Charlie is here, I think he passed out. Sal and Dorcas are trying to wake him up. But anyway, I don't think it matters now that he knows, no? He went here screaming, shocking the kids and told me that y-you know... to watch the news. I don't want to believe it, so I called you and of course to check on you. Totoo ba talaga? Are you with him now? How is he? How are you?"
I mentally pressed rewind to play back Mama's words that further confirms the reality I have just lived.
The world around me has just stopped.
"It... it's on the news?" Words left my lips in breathless disbelief.
"Yes! Kakabukas ko pa lang ng TV dahil papaakyat na sana kami ng mga bata nang dumating nga itong si Charlie. Akala ko kung napaano na dahil sumisigaw! And just our luck, it was Sal who opened the door. Ayon, napaluhod sa harap ng anak mo..." A pause, then the voice of the anchorman reached my side of the line.
Diniin ko ang pandinig para marinig nang mas malinaw ang ibinabalita pero nangibabaw ang kalabog ng puso kong ayaw patalo sa karera.
"It's one of the top headlines. The tortured victim of the Silvestres fashionably rose from the dead. Good grief, I can't believe this," she whispered. "This can't be possible."
Ang kumpirmasyon na hirap akong paniwalaan, nakasuot sa likod ng mga reaksyon ni Mama at sapat na ito para itulak ang hikbi kong kanina lang ay kinaya ko pang pigilan. My throat trembled as I tried hard to calm the sobs down.
"Nasaan ang mga bata? They saw the news?" Horror struck me at the mere thought of them seeing their father on the screen and hearing what was done to him!
"I'm watching in my room. They're downstairs, ginigising pa yata si Charlie."
Huminga ako nang malalim pero hindi pa rin nakakalma. It felt like I'm still riding at the height of a while ago's passion. My mind has offered nothing for me to say, though I'm dying to talk more to delay returning to the gallery, or was I just waiting for a valid excuse to not go back? Hindi ako sigurado kung gusto ko pa bumalik o baka takot lang.
"He looks great, Sam," Mama mused with fondness. "Parang walang nangyari. But of course, it's different in the screen than seeing him in the flesh...." she paused as if realizing I wasn't amused at all, she turned serious. "How are you right now?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "I can't even talk, and I don't know if I am brave enough to start asking him where he's been. I just..." I just want to hold him again. Have his strong arms a gripping and tight haven around me that no storm could ever undo and let every soft caress and desirous grips do the talking as there are no amount of words for anything, for this... for this flipping warmth that also writhes like a contorting sorrow.
It's heavy, weighing me down most of all. At the same moment, the blink of relief set off the quivers in my spine. The resurrection of hope shrilling right deep into my gut, and the claws of eden made a slow landing in the beating grounds of my chest.
"You haven't talked to him, I assume."
Histerikal akong umiiling. "Hindi ko nga alam kung totoo 'to lahat! I thought I've gone insane when I held him!" Kissed him...
"You're not crazy, Samara. I am looking at his face on the TV screen. He is real. Alive..." A moist smile laced through her misty tone, as if she is in tears. Para bang nabunutan ng tinik na ilang taon nang nakabaon.
I covered my face caring less of the mess I made on my make-up as I couldn't hold on the loud tears any longer. Eventually, I reminded myself that I'm still in an open place, so I quickly recomposed. Suminghap ako, nanlalabo pa rin ang paningin at inaapoy ang pisngi sa patuloy na pagdaan ng luha.
My eyes may have blurred from the tears but never the memory of the surrounding murmurs, on how fingers pointed at me screaming crazy. Graciella never ceased giving me hell about it, and as someone who used to have the upper hand, she made people believe that I indeed am.
Paano nga naman kasi sila hindi maniniwala kung natutunghayan nila mismo ang kahibangan ko? Watching through other people's lens, I remember myself talking to no one. It still haunts me up to now.
"Should you need more time to settle some things there in Manila, I don't mind looking after the kids. Besides, I still want to bond more with my apos. Where you said are you staying again?"
I sniffed. "At Quentin's."
"Oh..."
An interlude of silence. I think she didn't see it coming.
"W-well after tonight, you would consider a change of options, I hope. You know what this means, Samara," her wary tone crawls closer to a warning. "I know you're still recovering, or still in shock, kahit ako rin naman. But I just want to remind you what this means for the both of you. People talk, so it's certain there'd be idle hearsays. I can only hope this won't have you fall into disgrace, especially when you're still tied to the heir of the Silvestres."
"I know," I swallowed. "I'll try to sort it out before the night ends, Mama."
Another line of silence drew, allowing ourselves to decide if there's anything else to say or just end the call.
Yes, and if you do, don't act just yet on your heated passions," she said. "Mag-usap muna kayo at 'wag masyadong magpadalos-dalos. I get it, the urge is understandable after years of longing but first, store the matches in a safe place where your desires couldn't reach it."
I frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh for the love of God you know what I mean!" she hissed. "Masyado kayong nagmamadali noon, dapat ngayon ay natuto na kayong magpigil sa mga sarili niyo na kung mag-usap man kayo, keep it regimented as possible as you can. Mamaya na iyong isa lalo't hindi pa niya nakikita ang kambal-- Wait, you're not intending to hide the kids from him, no?"
"Mama, pardon me, but I'm confused. Anong pinagsasabi mo?"
I've known Rizwana Merewald as one classic woman, poise despite vexation. It's only seldom that I witness her lose patience and right at this second is just one of those rare times.
"I'm talking about sex. There, I said it!""
Nag-ipon ang dugo sa mukha ko at parang iyon na yata ang sunod kong iluluha. "Why would you even think of that?!"
"Come on, you're the one who knows him better, Samara. And seeing him right now in the screen, I must say he has obviously matured into a solid man and still has kept that vigor and charisma in him, intensified even. Oh, why am I explaining this to you? Basta, kilala mo na rin naman siguro ang sarili mo, at ikaw ang mas nakakakilala sa kanya, well, that's if he's still the same person as before. " She huffed. "Hindi ko akalain na ang batang pasaway na inaalagan ko noon ay ganito ang magiging itsura sa muling pagkabuhay. He looks... more polished. I don't know what to make of him aside from being an artist. A pirate, a rockstar or a Spanish God!"
Mama's amazement and disbelief were loud and definite. Hindi ko alam kung bakit dumiin lang ang pagkakalukot ng puso ko. Just when I thought the yearning has quenched, I realized that it has just begun writhing and at a snail's pace. Never yet reached its intended relief as evidenced by my still palpable ache to reach another grasp at his resurrection.
"I... I haven't seen him yet."
Nakakabinging pulso ang pananahimik sa kabilang linya. I can actually imagine her freezing of shock.
"Akala ko nakita mo na siya? How did it happen that you held him but not see him, Samara? Mind to elaborate?"
Napakurap-kurap ako at biglang nataranta. I guess I'll take this as a sign to end the call.
"I have to go back to the gallery. I'll call you later-- or tomorrrow." I pressed a cold shaking finger on the red button.
Ilang sandali pa ang itinagal kong nakahilig sa pader bago tumulak pabalik sa gallery, iniisip ang maaaring mangyari. It's obvious how I wasn't prepared for this. In retrospect, there had been warning signs that this may have turned out to be the one I have always hoped for, and all of them I refused to believe.
Kahit ngayon na ipinapamukha na sa akin ang totoo, mahirap pa rin akong mapaniwala. It seems to me that fate is just playing on me a cruel game that I'm going to lose anyway.
Years ago, when I besought his rise from the grave, when I have implored in anguish hopes to see him one day, I could hardly remember playing out a scene or plot a narrative in my head how we could have met again since for me, all the ways possible didn't matter as long as he lives and our end together is sure.
Ni hindi ko nga napagplanuhan ano ang sasabihin kung sakali man na ihaharap sa akin ang posibilidad, tulad nito. As someone who overthinks frequently, I could have envisioned my reaction if I see him standing in front of me, with his eyes deep and penetrating to hold my soul captive. I could have forged my words beforehand and yet, I didn't. I don't think I have ever because maybe I already have longed accepted his tragic fate.
I even doubted if I have done enough searching for him, if I have given my all. Either my memory has failed me or there ever was only a faint strive at all. Meron nga siguro pero natatabunan na lamang ng alaala ng pighati at galit. So far, the extent of what I could summon to memory is how I was more into drowning my sorrows and my often mental flights. That while I was sprawled onto the floor ready for my last breath, I was half-hoping that he's also looking for ways to find his life back to me. To us, with Dorcas and Salvatore.
Natanto ko na mukhang sa isip ko lamang siya mas hinahanap, sa ilalim ng pag-aatas ng pusong nangungulila. Sa halip na bigyan ng pagkakataon ang kung ano ang maaaring maging, sa mga pagbabalik tanaw ko siya pinili na muling makapiling.*
A random thought has even crossed my mind that maybe it's better to meet him in my daydreams than in this world I am living in.
Nakayuko akong pumasok sa gallery at nangilabot agad sa lamig. The return of the curious stares stabbed me a prickling sensation. As far as I know, my recognition in the showbiz industry isn't vast enough to reach A-list waters and only holds out to the ones who mostly worked in fashion. I've just started to make my brand, and I considered myself lucky that more celebrities are starting to notice my works.
Not that it mattered to me. Sa tuwing nakakatanggap ako ng ganitong atensyon, laging pinapaalala sa akin na dahil apo lang ako ng isang sikat na celebrity doctor. But due to the recent events, I assume she isn't relevant anymore, and I expected the same treatment on me.
Hindi ko naman inasahan na may makakakilala sa akin rito maliban sa dalawang kasama ko. So, it makes me wonder who organized this whole exhibit? Who invited the guests?
"Deirdre!" A known talented and pretty actress approached me. "I was told you were here a while ago, so I got thrilled and can't wait to say hi!"
Nagbeso kami na marahan ko lang yatang sinuklian dahil sa kung saan pa dumadapo ang isip ko. I was even tempted to wander my gaze, look back at the door I went in a while ago or look somewhere else, but I fought against myself.
"Hi, Shay. You look gorgeous."
"Oh my, are you kidding me? You are beyond yourself! Parang wala kang kambal, a? You're glowing!"
I'm not so sure about that dahil sa pagkakaalam ko, kanina pa ako naii-stress! But she has been one of the genuine actresses I've encountered. In fact, we'd be working again for another photoshoot at the end of the year as per her request.
To my relief, the interaction didn't last long. Maikling kamustahan lang dahil pinuntahan na ang boyfriend nitong may balak bilhin ang isa sa mga paintings. Instead of stepping closer to the heart of the room, I pivoted and faced the door instead.
"What are you doing?" Narinig ko ang paglapit ni Quentin. "Nandiyan na sa harap, o?"
I swallowed the ball of nerves in my throat that would surely choke me if I allow the lack of self-control.
"Nasaan siya banda?"
Humakbang si Quentin sa harap ko. The mix of bewilderement and irritation scrunched up his face.
"Seriously, turn around and find out yourself."
"I don't know." I shook my head "I'm not ready. I'm not prepared for this."
Lalo siyang nairita. "What do you mean? You were alone with him in that room. What were you two doing back there then, playing piñata?"
Sinabuyan ng pag-aalab ang pinsgi ko hindi dahil sa sarkastiko niyang tono. He knew that I wasn't alone in that room! Sa abot ng makakaya ko ay sinubukan kong pigilan na maglabas ng reaksyon na magbibigay sa kanya ng kaunting paghinala sa nangyari roon.
"Fine, you can hesitate for now. The media is swarming him anyway. But to give you a mental picture, he looks like the son of some pirate or rockstar Jesus. Probably made a trip to heaven and stole dear Lord Almighty's face. Valid lang pala ang paggawa mo ng altar sa kanya."
Pumikit ako nang mariin at nagbuntong hininga. Hindi matukoy kung sa sobrang pagkakairita ay kung anu-ano na ang sinasabi ni Quentin o sinusubukan lang niyang ibsan ang kaba ko. Whatever he's trying to do, I still want to clear my head to make way for the proposing thoughts about what I'm supposed to do. Hindi ko alam ang uunahin; Alamin ang nangyari sa lumipas na pitong taon o ihatid na siya mismo sa mga anak niya!
"I'm not in a mood for any games, Quentin," I bluntly said.
"Oh sure you are, you've been playing hide and seek for the past minutes. Or is it demonstrating ancient history? Another Filipina escaped the invasion of a Spaniard?"
I gasped. "Can you stop?"
"Oh, I forgot. You're one-eight Italian." He chuckled as he pulled the glass of wine in his mouth to sip.
He's having far too much fun with this. Sandaling binisita ng paningin ko ang hawak niyang wine at natantong nakarami na ito kaya kakaiba na umasta. He better not have more than after that glass he's been nursing or else, I'd take Evrose to drive us home.
But I wonder if I would be going with them or with...
"I asked your friend to get you a glass of wine to ease the second wave of nerves."
Umiling ako, unti-unti na namang nawawala sa sarili. "He's really here, Quentin?"
He nodded, took a sip and swallowed hard. "Yeah."
I watched him drain the last drop of red. A few seconds later, the lady serving the drinks came to us. Quentin set down his empty glass on the tray, sweetly smiled at the lady before taking another liquior-filled glass.
Sandali akong nag-iwas ng tingin at nang balingan siya muli, halos pinangahalatian na ang inumin.
"Don't tell me you're planning to get belligerently drunk right now? Why does it seem like you don't care much about this at all?"
" 'Cause I don't?" He sighed after realizing his rude sarcasm. "Look, Deirdre. This is what we have been waiting for. What you have been praying for! So, I don't understand why you're still standing here and wasting time!"
I am so aware how deeply inscrutable the way I'm acting that even I wanted to beat myself up for it. Ang taong pinakahinahangad ko, nandito at abot kamay ko na pero ano nga ba itong ginagawa ko?
This is just too good to be true to me that I can almost think my mind is only playing tricks. But Mama confirmed it through the call, the headlines, then here's Quentin emboldening me to waste time no more.
For such a long time, I've been giving in to the impulses of my venomous yearning as I breathe in his absence. And one of the ways I have survived was the bleeding wounds that has kept me up until death was implored myself. Now, what makes it any different if I gamble another one of my astrayed faiths?
Kung totoo man talaga ito, pagbibigyan ko ang isa pang pagkakataon na ialay muli ang sarili sa pananalig. Besides, do I have anything to lose, should I take another leap of faith when for years, I have kissed the many worst faces of grief?
The sudden warm grip on my arm caused me to jump and for a second, I thought my heart is going to tear out of my chest as I expected to meet the familiar pair of dark eyes.
"Relax," Evrose chuckled, handing me a glass of wine.
Hindi ko napigil ang lakas ng buntong hininga ko nang tinanggap ang inumin. Desperation tying a knot in my gut, I downed the drink in one single shot.
"He's still busy with the media, or the media themselves are keeping him occupied. But I'm pretty sure he couldn't wait until you two were left alone... which begged the question, sasama ka sa 'min pabalik sa condo, or...?"
My head swirled from my hasty attempt to curtail my inhibitions that I had no time to think about Evrose's question. Bago pa tumama sa akin ang sinabi niya ay napabaling ako sa marahas na pagsinghap ni Quentin sa harap ko.
"Oh, fuck me. Nananadiya ba siya?" He blurted out of the blue.
Mabilis nitong inubos ang inumin at nilapag sa tray na hawak ng dumaang server habang nananatiling dikit ang madilim na tingin sa kung sino sa likod ko. At first, I thought he was just deluding me, so I would turn around and see Angelov instead. Pero umalis siya sa harapan ko. Confused and curious, I followed his strong and purposeful steps towards someone and finally saw the reason of his abrupt reaction.
"What is his problem?" Si Evrose na naringgan ko ng iritasyon sa tono.
I averted my gaze and instantly felt the heavy weight in my chest at the simple thought of the seconds ticking fast until it's time to fully face my state of affairs.
"His ex-girlfriend is here with the husband."
"Oh..."
Hindi naman puwede na kailangan ko pang magpasama kahit sino sa kanila ni Evrose at Quentin sa pagharap muli kay Angelov. I mean, I was offered the chance a while back in the empty room but then that attempt of conversation, I only shame it with my desire.
But what a heart in aghast and in despair does but succumb to the lips of a prayer...
Sa muling paghuli ni Evrose sa aking braso ay sa hindi na inaasahang dahilan. I thought she was only trying to grab my attention as she talks about a random topic. But the rigid anticipation in her gaze that passes through my shoulder, it quickly dawned on me that this is not going to boil down to a small talk.
"Ev..." pumanig sa dilim ang kaba sa boses ko.
She pouted her lips to point at something, or someone behind me. Kahit hindi na niya sabihin ay alam ko na ang tinutukoy niya. Hirap na akong maintindihan ang nanghahapding paninikip ng dibdib ko. The blood red ache from the wine settled still in my chest, fueling the already piercing pain brought by the violent bliss and eruptive anticipation.
"Nakatingin ba siya rito? Lalapit ba?"
Unlike Quentin, Evrose didn't try to question my reaction as she casually shakes her head. "He's talking to an old businessman who also happens to be well-recognized for his art collection."*
Bago ko pa igapang ang sarili pabalik sa pag-aalinlangan, hawak na ang braso ko ay inikot ako ni Evrose at siya rin mismo ang pumigil kung saan dapat ako ihinto sa mas mariin niyang kapit sa akin. I gasped, I could feel my soul flying out of my body at the same moment when the scream of protest got stuck in my throat the very instant my gaze landed on him.
And my soul made its grand slow return. A wandering feather that softly touches the ground and spreads a grazing warmth that burns all over me in such elegance as if it bathes me once again of the colors lost within the ordeals of seven years.
Humila ako nang malalim na pagsinghap para tahanin ang mas umiigting na pag-aalab at hapdi sa dibdib ko. Matagal bago ko natantong hindi na pala ako humihinga habang pinagmamasdan siya at ang bawat simpleng galaw niya, muli siyang kinikilala. Without having to strain, scorching tears birthed its life and fell, burning my cheeks to no end. *
Evrose stepped in beside me, but my misty gaze were deep-rooted on him.
"I may have dated men and many women and fell in love with one, but for me, Angelov is still the sexiest man I have laid my eyes on, even more now after his so-called resurrection. And I hate it. I wanna be him so bad," she admitted.
Another deep and achingly relieved sigh spilled out of me, with these eyes making stops at each detail of his virility and aroused the resting passion, checking if he feels the same when I held him compared to the way my heart bleeds at the mere sight of him. Or find out if my visual inspection of his chiseled shape fits perfectly in accordance to the memory of my hands.
I believe he hasn't grown his hair this long before. And I've never given it much thought if it suits him or not. Now, watching him in such flair I haven't seen, he is godly. His medium length hair, cut in layered waves, not too long that touches beyond his shoulders but not too short either because whenever he makes a slight dip of his head, wavy strands fall on his face covering a bit of his eyes and the ends touched the line of his sinful lips. Parted in the middle, it also creates a jet-black curtain that frames his face which intensely defined his facial bone structure. It led me to think that involved in his features' maturity is that visible deep hollowness of his cheeks, creating an angled square U-shape on his chin and offered most of the prominence to his cheekbones.
My eyes almost wavered to a close as my gaze descended. The fresh memory assaulted me in a splash with the image of the sleek clothe just under my hands minutes ago and above the heat of his body. Mas napahinga lang ako nang malalim ngayong nakikita ang suot niyang dinaramdam ko lang kanina. An open black blazer coat with gold buttons planted only at the shoulder straps, chest pockets and three each on its cuffs. The white button-down shirt underneath was secured at probably on the low fourth button and it was more than enough to reveal a glimpse of chest hair and the word line tattoo on his sternum...
And there are more on his neck, which I believe were new ones. The last time I saw him, that part was bare of any ink.
For some reason, it felt strange for me to see him this... new. Hindi ko alam kung may nagbago sa kanya o naroon pa rin ang dating Angelov na kilala ko, mas nadepina nga lang ngayon. He has matured for sure, honed to perfection. Though what I was looking for aren't the physical changes because surely, it's right there. What I'm meaning to find was that raw Angelov I fell in love with, in all of his divine imperfection.
I tried to search for it through the way he smiles or treats everyone around him. Does he radiate that same twenty-one-year-old swagger? How about the playfulness? Does the beatings he took forged him cold and cut the lines of any hope?
I watched the corner of his lips leaning up to one side as he smiles while talking to the man in front of him. Tapos ay kinagat nang marahan ang mga labi saka tumango, nanliit ang mga mata at nakikinig nang mabuti sa sinasabi ng matanda. Deeply immersed in the conversation, he barely could care about the strand of hair obstructing his eye. He only made a slight effort of combing back the loose strand with his hand then licked his lips, nodding and listening more.
I stared longer without any expectations, but that is when his eyes lifted up and immediately found me as if he knew all this time I've been waiting.
My soul ascended for the third time tonight that knocks me out of my breath. Inaanod ng matinding kaba, babalingan ko na sana si Evrose pero wala na siya sa tabi ko. I searched for Quentin, but I couldn't find him too! Hahanap na lang sana ako ng kahit sinong kakilala pero dahil sa pagkataranta ko, napabalik ang tingin ko sa kinatatayuan niya kanina.
Wala na nga lang siya roon. Sa halip ay natagpuan ko siyang naglalakad na palapit sa akin!
Lumalakas ang pagyanig sa akin ng sariling kalabog ng puso. My whole body is literally thumping as if harsh waves has lived in angry confusion inside.
For the life of me, I couldn't look away from him. Kanina ay ganito rin, hindi ako makagalaw sa pag-aabang at takot na sa isang hakbang ko ay maglalaho ang lahat. This time is different as I was mesmerized all the while my breath abandoned its refuge on my body.
I couldn't look away as I needed more evidence to convince myself that this is no longer a delusion! And the closer he drifted his way to me, the more vivid he appears to be. So certain, solid and real.
Nanginginig ako na tila ba lahat ng binitiwan kong paniniwala noon ay may paghihiganting lumusob sa akin. Like I swallowed the combined joys of the world--may it be from the victories of the past or the triumphs of the times ahead-- that the weight was too much for my delicate frame to carry.
And so I choked a gust of air, the beginnings of his name on my lips awoke the second our gazes met.
Wala nang nangahas pang gumalaw muli nang huminto siya sa harapan ko at hinayaan ang mga mata naming mag-usap sa ngalan ng mga salitang walang tutumbas sa pinag-ipong sakit at sandaang panalangin at pananalig. Kung anong bigat ng guwang ang iniwan sa kanyang pagkawala ay tinumbasan ng bigat ng buong presensiy niya ngayon kabilang na ang bigat ng pamumungay ng kanyang mga mata.
They were too heavy wth words unspoken and forceful that I can almost swallow it after gasps, that I could suffocate from it but instead, he held me captive as he reacquainted my heart and soul through his long yesterday's gaze.
I can hear in the muted quiver of his eyes the weight of the untold words and the murmuring mouths of his suffering. The pleas straining under the burden of aged promises and our lost chances, all of these pooling in the dark abyss of his gaze but all he could muster was that same,
"Sammie..." na para bang buod na ito sa kailangan kong malaman.
Wala akong nagawa kundi ang umiling, naninindig ang balahibo sa tunog ng boses niyang nakaimbak sa panalangin ko noon. Hindi makatingin sa ibang bahagi ng mukha niya kundi sa mga mata lang niyang nangungusap at tila pinapaliwanag na roon lahat.
Truly, it's not the image of him that made my blood sing with such joy and half agony, it's in the way his gaze lasted on me. Like a favored scene in a move he paused, or a stubborn refusal to turn the next page as he wants to read the same words over and over...
The pages of his torture summarized in the piercing misery shaped in his eyes. The tales of yearning that came after, trembled in a speaking gaze as if he was retelling them to me so fast and eager, desperate to scream out. And after the heights of all despair, the exhausted wounds, sinking slow towards the shore of unhurried relief which cast me a downturned stare from him. The unshed tears in his eyes, just like before, reminded me of a spilled ink out from its jar because there were just too much... too much intensity inside him.
Hindi ko alam kung susumbatan ko ba siya nang hindi muna inaalam ano ba talaga ang nangyari para lang malaman niya kung gaano ako nagdusa. Pero naisip ko na ganoon din naman siya. Pero bakit ngayon lang? Kamusta siya? Does he still want me, or the family we created? Our early marriage was legal but then, does he still want to get involved with it after all these years?
I may know what questions to ask, but I could hardly figure out where to start. Gusto ko na lamang siyang pakinggan habang hinahayaan siyang magsalita. I want to bathe in his drawling baritone without interventions. I want to listen to him talk all night and make up for the chances I had of just hearing his voice through the aid of memories.
I unabashedly hope for a repeat of the groping-in-the-dark-minutes ago, only that this time we'd have it undercontrol. What happened back there was just a temporary flight of judgement, while we were flames who lost our finesse the moment we lit the match in a single touch. Ngayon kung gusto ko siyang maramdaman ulit ay hanggang yakap nalang muna.
His lips parted in hesitation. I could read the battle against his own mind. Ilang segundo lamang iyon bago niya itinikom ang mga labi at umigting ang panga.
"A while ago, I want to go after you but then I thought...You need your space while I also needed mine to breathe..."
Wala sa sarili akong tumango. Sandaling naglakbay ang paningin niya sa ibang bahagi ng mukha ko. Nang nanumbalik siya sa mga mata ko ay nakikitaan na ito ng kislap ng pinaghalong aliw at mangha.
The way he stares at me in that same awe and overwhelming praises tightened my chest in such desperate-for-life grip that it took me almost a minute to breathe.
"W-well..." My attempt of confidence failed.
Sa totoo lang ay naninibago ako at nangangapa kung paano siya pakikitunguhan. It's been so long that there's a sudden inherent need or us to introduce each other again as if today is only the first time we met.
"Maganda ka pa rin..." walang tigil ang paglakabay ng paningin niya sa aking mukha. "Lumala lang yata."
"Iyan lang ang sasabihin mo?" Umiling ako at hindi napiigilan ang manumbat sa kanya. "I thought you were dead!" I hissed, staring at him in my sharp wide eyes.
Marahan na gumalaw ang mga labi niya sa mapait na ngiti. "And I thought you were mine."
Natawa ako na may kasamang pigil na hikbi. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at umiiling. I'm still yours, please... Kung kailangan mo akong bawiin, bawiin mo na ako!
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin sa mga kamay kong nanginginig kaya niyakap ko sa akin. I waited for him to say something more. Aside from my patience, I have nothing to offer to him but his freewill to decide what's next 'cause I seem to lose the wits to do so myself.
Maliban doon, gusto ko man malaman ang lahat, nasa kanya pa rin ang huling pasya depende kung handa siya o mahirap pa rin ba sa kanyang magbalik tanaw. The bloody photos alone of what he'd been through, it wasn't easy to recount those, so I won't force him. But there's also no harm in hoping he would pray tell.
"Saan ka uuwi ngayon?"
Kumunot ang noo ko. "How dare you ask me that?"
My scrutiny fell on his evident smirk. This is the only time I get to notice the light stubble on his angled jaw and on how the faint beard framed around his mouth making the hard sins of his lips more vivid.
He looked more like of a dark prince to me with his medium layered hair and all. Does he still smoke?
Iba yata ang pagkilala niya sa pagtatagpo ng kilay ko na kuryosidad lang naman ang nilalaman. Siya na ang pumigil sa sariling aliw. But even though I can still catch the remains of his amusement.
"Okay." He licked his lips and took a step closer, towering over me. Mas yumuko siya para mas madungaw ako nang mabuti at mas tumingala rin ako sa kaugnay na dahilan. "Anong gusto mong mangyari?"
Napakurap ako. Nananadiya ba siya o talagang wala siyang ibang ipinapahiwatig?
"Mag-usap lang. Wala nang iba," I cleared my throat. "What happened a while ago was just a... a spur of the moment thing? O-or you can color that excitement, I don't know! One thing's for sure, i-it won't happen again," I stammered.
His eyes narrowed defining more of his inky eyes, then tilted his head to the side. "So you got excited?"
His lips pursed, stifling another one of his deadly lopsided smirks. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin ay pinilit ang interes ko sa malaking painting sa gilid. A face portrait where the wild flowers grow, looking too alive through the embellishment of tropical colors and the manner of the strokes were done hyperrealistically, as if I was staring at a high definition photograph.
"And it won't happen again, Sam? Sigurado ka?" His playful breath landed a whisper on my cheek.
Suminghap ako. Hindi, hindi ako sigurado. I know myself at least and I know him. Of course, it will happen again! Pero hindi na niya kailangan malaman iyon.
Sa ginawang pag-iwas ay nahagip ko rin ang kanina pa yatang nakatingin sa aming media at iilang guests. Sa pabubulong nila sa katabi tapos ay tumitingin sa amin, halatang kami ang pinag-uusapan.
Kahit papaano ay marami pa rin naman sa kanila ang mas interesado sa mga paintings pero hindi nga lang maiwasan ang pagbaling rin nila sa amin, dahil siguro ay kausap ko ang artist.
From the guests, I pushed to exploring the gigantic frames that I missed admiring because I got too apprehensive. As seconds turned into minutes, it dawned on me that I have once again set foot in the heart of his dreams and confessions of his woes. Each breathtaking stroke tells a story, and drills a gut-wrenching regard of the whole aesthetic. Hindi ko na nga lang binuksan ang paksa tungkol sa paintings niya sa mukha ko. It's just... awkward?
Lihim akong natawa sa sarili. Naiilang ka pa, Samara? You just let him put his fingers inside you!
"Shall we go? O may hinihintay ka pa?"
Iba yata ang pagkakadinig ko sa tanong niya, may ibig sabihin o may inasahan na partikular na tugon?
"Uhm..."
Hindi ko na mahanap sina Quentin at Evrose para sana makapagpaalam. When I attempted to search his ex, I found her in the arms of her husband. Baka nasa kabilang silid sila at binalak kong i-text nalang na hindi ako makakasama. Maiintindihan naman siguro nila o baka nga iyon pa ang mas gusto nilang gawin ko. They kept on pushing me to talk to him and now that I'm here, I can only imagine their utmost relief.
"Wala naman," I finally said.
Naigtad ako nang biglang niyang hinuli ang kamay ko.
"I don't think I need to ask permission from anyone..." His eyes glued on our joined hands. Nag-angat ang isang kilay niya sabay sa pagtagpo ng gulat ko. "Well you're an exception, of course. The mother of my children..."
Unti-unting namilog ang mga mata ko, nabingi sa sariling pagsinghap at ngayon ay nabibilaukan sa mas malakas na pagyanig sa akin ng kaba. The corner of his upper lip rose, a sinister smirk. A hint that he knows... everything.
Bago pa ako makabawi ay hinila na niya ako. Napasinghap ako at luminga sa paligid. Kapansin-pansin agad ang dumidiin nang mga mata sa amin.
"They're taking photos of us. I feel it would be better not to steal this night away from you," I uttered mid-panic when a camera flash blinded me.
"You're my wife, Samara," he declared enough to end all doubts.
What he said was sufficiently audible that a gasp was heard before it got shove beneath the murmurs and the whispers echoing behind us as we stepped out of Provenance gallery, while my breath hitched I barely could utter a word.
"P-pero iyong mga bibili, sinong mag-aasikaso--"
"I have my brother in the other room and his secretary to deal with everything," he responded quick as if he's already planned all of this.
My brows knitted together for a second before they arched up at my surprise. His brother is here? He found him!
Hindi ko alam paaano pagkasyahin ang nararamdaman kong ito. After all this time, I was right!
Tumatag lang ang paniniwala kong ang dami nga naming pag-uusapan na lalong hindi ko na matukoy saan banda ang uunahing alamin.
"B-but you're the artist. This is your show--"
He tutted and tilted his head, as if making a short but quick impatient shaking of his head. Huminto siya at hinarap ako, hindi na ako pinatapos.
"I'm done taking my time, Sam. Papalagpasin pa ba natin 'to? Ilang taon kang naghintay, ilang taon akong nagpaubaya sa pagkakataon at naghintay hanggang sa maging maayos ang lahat!" asik niya.
I stared at him through my wide-eyed gaze. I never thought I'd get fascinated by this brand of sudden aggression and the way his hot and rapid breathing spreads tickling warmth on my face. Then here's the mold of his eyes that shifted to an expressive wilderness which only solidifies his red-blooded maturity of his physique.
Pero sumabit ang isip ko sa binanggit niyang pagpapaubaya. At anong klaseng paghihintay ang ibig niyang sabihin?
I caught the muscles of his jaw move, taming to calm the brewing violence of his stormed expression before we resumed walking.
"I am temporarily staying in a premier suite upstairs," he said, feeding me information I never thought I needed.
Namamangha ko siyang binalingan habang naglalakad kami at hawak niya ang kamay ko.
I still couldn't believe it. I wanted to pinch myself hard and again until someone could prove to me this isn't real! And the more I find it hard to grasp what he just told me. Angelov, that Angelov who hates the glitter and the glam is staying in a premier suite of a five-star luxury hotel. If this were years ago, he would have gagged in displeasure. He's never fond of fancy things. He opts for cheap beers over a shot of whiskey. He would rather go naked than buy a new shirt!
Hindi ba talaga panaginip 'to? Isn't it too good to be true how he is living the dream and I am, too?
"Huwag mo akong tignan nang ganyan." he muttered playfully. "I don't own the room. It was my brother who paid it for him and me supposedly but I already ask him that we'd have it for the night. He's cool with it."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "Paano siya? Saan siya matutulog?"
Nagpakawala siya ng tawa na agad naputol dahil sinadyang pigilan. Mas nadepina ang cheekbones niya sa ginawang pagpigil. *
"Who knows? He's a nomad." He snickered.
Hindi ko napagtuunan ng pansin ang daang tinahak namin papunta sa suite room. Maliban sa hawak niya pa rin ang kamay ko, kung anu-anong katanungan ang dinadapuan ng isip ko. Isa na roon ay ang pagtanaw ko sa pagtatapos ng gabi. What comes after he unfolds the truth? Paano kami magsisimula ulit? *
What if... he isn't the same person anymore? What if a huge part has been taken away from who he used to be in every beating and bruises he endured? What was really my desire in the heights of hoping he's alive?
What if the extent of what we are now is just knowing each other by name and not any more by soul? What if it's just the past and the memories I am still in love with? What about the upcoming days of ventures to know him again? Knowing him more? Will I still look for the past deeds of an aged love in the face of a changed man, or will I fall deeper to the heart of a better one?
"Want anything? Tea?" tanong niyang nagpagising sa akin.
We're already inside the suite and he's still holding my hand. Nakadungaw siya sa akin, nag-aabang sa tugon ko.
"No, thank you."
His dark gaze lingered a few moments more before he nodded. Unti-unti niyang binitawan ang kamay ko at para bang may naramdaman akong pag-asa roon na pipigilan ko siya. Hindi kailanman bumitaw ang paningin niya sa akin hanggang sa hindi na nga niya hawak ang kamay ko at ni walang bakas akong pinahiwatig na pigilan siya.
The joy I had at finally watching him saunter across the room--fresh from death and fully alive--was eclipsed by incertitude and fright. Yet I don't want this unbidden fear to taint possibilities, of lost chances, and of new beginnings.
Kaya nang magsara ang pinto sa likod ko pagkapasok namin sa suite, ayaw ko nang magpaligoy-ligoy. As much as the temptation called me to assess the extravagance around us given that this is a suite, it has already given me an idea of its opulence. But most all, I knew Angelov doesn't care about any of these, nor do I.
Sinundan ko siya sa kitchen. Agad naagaw ng paningin ko ang mga nakalatag na whiskey bottles at scotch sa magarbong counter. I even recognized some expensive ones as I recalled grandfather's collection of them back in the days, but Angelov right here rather opened the fridge and grab a beer. He popped the crown cap through the edge of the counter beside it.
He sat in one of the high chairs with the incandescent light showering a mysterious shade over him. Marahan niya akong nilingon at natagpuang nakatayo pa sa likod niya.
"Ayaw mo bang maupo? Unless you prefer to sit somewhere else, Sam..."
Tumuwid ang tindig ko. Is that supposed to mean something? Kung hindi ay bakit inaapoy ang pisngi ko?
I swallowed my affected reaction and carved a serious face. May kabagalan ang ginawa kong paghakbang palapit sa kanya.
"Save your jokes. I want a conversation."
I passed beside him through my slow gaits. Using the beer bottle, he gestured at the seat across from him without leaving me from his sight. Marahan siyang nakayuko kaya ang lalim tuloy ng intensidad ng pagkakatitig niya sa akin. The subtle warm light made his hollowed cheeks deeper. The contours of his face, more profound.
He took a swig of beer and licked his lips. This time, his eyes weren't on me but on the bottle on his hand. His deeply furrowed brows insinuated the depth of his thoughts.
"I wish I could tell you everything from the start but some truths were missing that none of the people around me had the slightest idea," he started, his tone raspy fresh from the rough drink.
"Just tell me everything you know. O kung ano na lang iyong naalala mo."
He let out a deep sigh. His vacant hand lifted and through his thumb, lightly scratch his left brow.
I woke up in a room and I was told that they found my body discarded outside their gates."
I sat frozen. Isang puwersa ng dilim ang lumukob sa akin na manahimik at mangilabot.
Nobody found out who did it, but hell, I think that saved me. Nagkamalay ako pero naisip rin na hindi ako magtatagal. Mamamatay rin dahil baha sa dugo at sugat. But there were no burns, so I assume someone got me out of the fire before it could swallow everything whole... before it could swallow... me..." he trailed off. *
His jaw clenched. His intense gaze were firm and fixed on a blank space at the bitter recollection of the horrors. Wala na siya sa sarili nang magpatuloy sa pagbabalik tanaw na para bang muli siyang namuhay roon. *
And I couldn't stomache watching him having to go through it again. Even when it's just reading a page that has already passed, yet when the contents were already tattooed on his skull, I can only imagine the forces it'd take to strip off the terrifying memories.
"I remember screaming from the pain and the fear at the flames trying to lick my tortured limbs. Doon yata ako nawalan ng malay--"
I gasped and drastically rose from my seat causing his words to cut short. Awang ang mga labi niya, pinagmamasdan ako sa likod ng marahan niyang gulat.*
I lifted a trembling hand asking him to stop. Pumikit ako nang mariin at walng tigil sa pag-iling hangga't hindi naaalis sa isip ko ang pinagdaanan niya.
"Skip the fire." I bit my bottom lip. "I'm sorry. You don't have to go back there if it's still a discomfort for you to speak about it. Can you just tell me about..." I trailed off, scanning through my mental archives. "What happened next after you woke up? Was it in your brother's home?"
I forced a smile in the hopes he would fill in a more light-hearted detail.
Pero nanatiling seryoso at madilim ang paninitig niya sa akin. Nanginig ang ngiti kong bumagsak pero hindi ako nagpadala sa banta ng kanyang dilim.
"I relapsed," he declared in a cold-blooded tone. "Three or four times, I barely remember."
I couldn't feel a single breath pouring out of my lips as I stood frozen in front of him. Stunned to the core at the revelation. Alam kong dapat ko nang asahan na may malalaman akong bago tungkol sa pinagdaanan pero kailanman, hindi natin mapaghahandaan ang magiging reaksyon sa oras na tumama sa atin ang katotohanan.
"They had to put me--" He rolled his eyes. "Drag me back to rehab for god knows how many times before I crashed and didn't wake up for half a year."
I locked my horrified gaze on him. Nabasa ang humuhulmang tanong sa luhaan kong mga mata, dahan-dahan siyang tumango. Isang malungkot na ngiti ang gumuhit sa kanyang labi.
I hicupped a sob that I quickly press down by slapping a hand on my mouth. I watched in only my vivid imagination the running images of what he meant by crashed and never waking up. Ilang beses siyang hindi nagising, ilang beses pinanawan ng buhay. I'm not sure what is worse; Having to die all over again or waking up to live in misery... waking up to endure and wait for your next death.
"Shh..." he shushed me softly. From holding the bottle, hhe unfold his arm on the table and opened his palm, inviting me to hold it. "Come here," he whispered.
Tinignan ko ang kamay niyang nakalahad saka tinagpo ang mga matang malabot na kumukurap. It took a few moments before I decided to cave in and my palm gasped in the warmth and strength of his. He lifted our held hands, pulling me to him until I was seated on his lap, sideward.
His other arm wrapped around my waist and reached my vacant hand laying lonely on my lap as the other being held captive. Ngayon ay pareho na niyang hawak ang kamay ko.
I stared at our joined hands and realized I missed how firm they were. Calloused and very much experienced all the while are capable of soft caresses. Everytime they hold me, it alwasy felt like he's letting me know he feels, or at least the riddles behind the emotions unsaid, the ones he refused to show. Sa bawat higpit at mariin na hawak, aasahan mong may galit at gigil sa kanya. Sa bawat rahan at lambot, alam mong naglalambing.
"Want to hear a bedtime story?" He chuckled.
I shook my head and sniffed. Pupunasan ko na sana ang ilong ko pero hawak niya pala ang kamay ko.
He fell silent and eventually sighed, realizing I couldn't yet be humored. A tear of mine tasted freedom and fell on his finger which eventually fell on my hand under his gentle hold.
"I gave up."
Nilingon ko siya. Nagtagpo ang paningin namin. His devastatingly beautiful dark eyes met my moist and sorrowful ones.
"My body gave up. My brain gave up. But I guess God has other plans." Idinilat niya ang mga mata sa mpaglarong paraan na parang nagbabanta ng takot sa mga bata. "Gusto ko na talagang sumuko. Pagod na pagod na ako." His lips carved a soft smile. "But I heard you, Sam..."
My head tilted deeper to the side. Natigilan ako nang harap-harapan kong natutunghayan ang pamumuo ng mga luha niya habang nanatiling nakaukit ang marahang ngiti.
"Your voicemails. I heard you..."
Nang hindi kumukurap, nag-unahan sa pagbagsak ang mga luha ko. My lips trembled to maintain a tight-lipped smile and also because to stop the escape of my louder cries. Tahimik akong lumuluha na may paimpit na takas ng hikbi kaya lalong humahapdi ang dibdib ko at nangangalay ang mga balikat.
"N-narinig mo..." nanginginig ngunit mariin kong sabi na nauwi lamang sa bulong para mas pigilan ang takas ng hikbi.
But the more I try to stop them, the heavier my cries came and shudders my whole body in its siilent aggression. Tinatago ko na lang sa maraang tawa ang hikbi ngunit natalo ako sa laban at nanaig ang mga luha ko.
His thumb tried to wipe a falling tear but another one came.
"That is when I finally decided to hold on. Gusto kong bumalik sa iyo... sa inyo. So I worked to get my groove back. Nag-aral ulit habang tumatanggap ng mga offers." Marahan siyang natawa. "I also earn through selling my paintings anonymously."
"You lived a dream," I couldn't help but put my wonder into words.
"Wasn't a dream at all times. I can't smoke for three years. No alcohol. No nicotine. No Samara. It was hell at some point but I managed. I guess?" Ngumiti siya.
I find it cute, kaya nahawa ako at napangiti rin pero paminsan-minsa'y napapasinghot.
"I've been looking for you." My words pour out in reminiscent undertone. "Every possible corners where you could have been hidden. Spain..." I shook my head for the unspoken truths.
By the way he stares at me, beneathe the dancing flames of disbelief and tranquilized yearning were flaring embers of an apology. *
"I know, and I'm sorry. But I was at my worst, Sam, and believe me, not even my brothers could handle me given their then resentment towards me as an addition to the already cursed family. I'd been a lost cause, a hopeless case. Kung hinayaan ko ang maagang pagkikita natin, baka mas lumala ang sitwasyon. And even when I have recovered, the enemies are still at large. We had to make sure we're finished with the parasites and the slain monsters eradicated."
"With your brother's help?"
He nodded. "With my brothers' help, yes."
"They were hiding you," I concluded.
"And hold every single information about me in the strictest confidence. My foes want me dead, then I'll have them believe it."
I believed in it too that it almost killed me. I lost my mind. But I prefer not to ruin this for us with my tales of suffering. I was already resolute to put the agonizing memories past behind me.
"Where were you then if not in Spain? Or were you there?"
Bumaba ang tingin niya at tinuon sa mga kamay namin. It made me think he's used to always keep his hands busy either in painting or on other things and now that he isn't doing any of it, he has my hands to play them with instead.
"The first two years, Australia. Then I was sent to London for my studies--"
My gasp forced his words to cut. Namamangha ako dahil sa narating niyang tagumpay pero ayaw niya yata sa papuri nang pinakitaan niya ako ng pag-ikot ng mga mata niya.
"Why? Too fancy for you" nangingiti kong tanong.
His lips pursed the same time arching up his left brow. "Then I met my father. That's when he brought me to Spain and I spent just a couple of days downtown."
My eyes widened. Excitement gripped me. Pero siya, isang beses na kinawag ang mga kilay at nagkibit balikat, walang ni aninong reaksyon. He sported a lazy stare which I'm not sure has something to do with exhaustion or was it indifference towards meeting his father.
"I'd rather not talk about him. But yeah, we've met and he acknowledges me. It's just that he's got a higher responsibility than tend to his bastard of a son. He wants to get involved but I prefer not. Our relationship is rather casual."
Curiosity remains on the line especially now that he mentioned about the father he's been searching for all his life. Ang dami kong mga tanong tungkol doon sa bahagi ng buhay niya pero mariin ang pagkakaukit sa disgusto niyang pag-usapan ito. So I remained asking what happened? Was he satisfied of just letting it be like that? That they remain casual?
"So... the brothers you have now, they're from your mother's side?" I asked instead.
Tumango siya.
"Do you like them?"
"Yeah, maybe?" He chuckled. "The younger one's annoying but he's helped me a lot. Iyong isa naman, doon ako takot. A massive guy and perpetually serious. We're almost identical, pero ako ang pinakakamukha raw ni Mama. Siguro kaya ayaw nila sa akin noong una."
My heart twisted. "They hated you?"
"Not really hate. More on resentment since Mama stayed longer with me given that I'm at the middle." Kinagat niya ang ibabang labi habang malalim na nag-iisip."So parang... iniwan niya ang bunso, tapos binalikan ako."
"Oh... Do you know why?"
His lower lip protruded while his eyes pinning me with his unchanging firm gaze.
"It's a sensitive one if you'd ask me. I'd rather not stress you out more than I already did."
My brows crinkled deeper. "I heard worst, Angelov. And one among many horrifiying stories that reached me involves those two policemen who arrested you."
"Why? What happened?"
I squinted my eyes in search for hints of any pleasantry stamped on his face.
"Are you serious right now?"
Sa seryoso kong tingin, pinagmamasdan ko ang malalim niyang pag-iisip na para bang isang malayong alaala ang hinahabol niya. Sinisilong ng makapal na mga kilay ang mas madilim pa niyang mga mata.
"Oh, I see..." his brows arched as realization hit him or at least faked it. "But aren't they dead?"
My lips parted. Is he really serious?
"The other one, while his partner is on his last legs." I tilted my head, more confused than the past minutes. "Wala ka ba talagang kinalaman?" May banta na sa tanong ko.
"Wala."
Diniin ko ang mga mata sa kanya hindi dahil sa posibilidad na may kinalaman siya kundi sa pagsisinungaling niya!
He sank his back deeper on the seat's back rest and sighed. And when I felt his grip slackened but only to hold tighter again, I realized he has never released my hand ever since pulling me to sit on his thighs.
"Sammie, I'm not that evil. I may lost my temper a lot but I can never do such crime. Sapat nang napagdusahan kong kaparusahan sa mga kasalanang nagawa ko noon, dadagdagan ko pa ba ng pagpatay?"
Hindi ko maitatangging tama siya, ngunit hindi ko rin naman masisi ang sarili na maisip iyon. Looking back at those photos alone, if I were to go through that magnitude of hell, I would have already orchestrated my revenge against those who have wronged me. But then, we'll never know...
"Then who..."
He lazily shrugged his shoulders. Lalo tuloy nakakapagduda na wala akong mahagip ni anino ng pagsisisi sa kanya, o pakialam man lang sa nangyari sa dalawa.
"Although I may have a clue of the culprit. I'm just not sure."
I lingered my regard on him in utmost patience. I already conjured the list of names in my head on who could it be, pero siya lang talaga ang naiisip ko na may kinalaman doon. He may not hold the gun nor the knife, but he probably know some people who did thing for him.
"Back in the cell, I overheard Douglas Silvestre warning the both of them to end me in that very night. Na kailangan wala nang bakas ng katawan ko ang maiiwan kahit patak lang ng dugo. Sa oras na malaman niyang humihinga pa ako, siya mismo ang tatapos sa kanila."
Nanatili akong nakatingin sa kanya. I honesty don't know how to react except that a dull and heavy void starts to creep in my throat, about to suffocate me.
"It haunted me and I brought that threat with me for years. Then just months ago, I revealed myself to Douglas. He went insane. But despite his insanity, he's the man of his word."
Suminghap ako. "Siya ang..."
Sandali niyang itinaas ang mga kamay na partrang sumusuko saka ibinalik din sa paghawak sa kamay ko.
"I didn't do anything," he confidently said. "I simply showed myself in the flesh. So I don't think their morbid fate is any of my fault. Sa tingin mo, kasalanan ko?" Nag-angat ang isa niyang kilay, pabirong naghahamon.
"Pero sinadya mong magpakita kay Douglas!"
His sinister smile stretched without a trace of remorse. "Kahit na. I haven't even talked to them, haven't seen them after they crucified me. Ang tanging sadya ko ay ang gimbalin si Douglas Silvestre. Hindi ko naman akalain na matalas pa pala ang memorya niya na naalala pa niya iyon. But I might probably have reminded him, I'm not sure."
"Angelov..." tanging nasabi ko dahil parang hindi siya seryoso. Nababakas ko parin ang pagmamaang-maangan sa kanya. He's too good at it that he can smoothly hide any secrets behind his pretty face.
The corner of his lips lifted for a sinister lopsided smirk. See?
Humikab siya. May sinasabi siya ngunit hindi malinaw sa akin dahil sa mahaba at maingay na paghikab niya na tinatakpan pa niya ng kamao.
I didn't bother ask him to repeat what he said as I was too invested at watching him now that we are finally falling into a loud silence.
This night has been too much for me, for us, that I just want to subside into a peaceful repose. Darating naman siguro ang bukas at ngayon na napapatunayan ko ngang nandito na siya, hindi na ako mangangamba na magigising akong mag-isa.
Kailanman ay hindi bumitaw ang mabigat na paninitig ni Angelov sa akin. I like that. I missed that. And watching him flashed me that same heavy-lidded tantalizing gaze ... It hits different now that I am actually looking at him, not just holding him I can literally say that I have my heart stuck in my throat.
Nahalata ang matagal kong paninitig, ngumiti siya. Isang ngiti na umabot sa mga mata na may kaakibat nang kaunting antok at panunuya. The childish glint in his eyes declared the mischief in his mind, whatever that is, that I could help but voice outloud what they reminded me of...
"Just that same mischief as your daughter--" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at mabilis inilag ang paningin.
Dahil hindi ako makatakas sa tingin, ako na lang sana ang aalis. But it was too late. He heard me! The grip on my hands tightened enough for me to stop looking for another way out!
"Dorcas, is it?"
I gasped and noticed the lack of surprise in his tone. The lack of... disappointment or at least... disbelief!
Hanggang sa may natanto ako dahilan ng dahan-dahan kong paglingon sa kanya. Inasahan kong siya ang gugulatin ko pero ako pa yata ang nagulat sa kawalan niya ng gulat!
"You know..."
His lips twitched. "Hindi naman ganoon katanga ang tauhan ng kapatid ko para hindi nila mahagilap na may anak pala ako." He smiled. "Were you the one who named her?"
Nakatanga akong tumango. He's more amused than upset. More awed than astonished.
"Hmm... Dorothea Cassiel." Mas umitim ang mga mata niya sa ginawang pagngiti ng mga ito. "And he's a Dieguez."
Muling pumatak ang mga luha ko, bawat buhos ay pinapaulanan ang aking ngiti.
"She always believes you'd come back..." I whispered, tears profusely making wet traces on my cheeks.
"I know that too..." he whispered back, wiping my tears.
"Will you come with me going home?"
His eyes narrowed in a mocking annoyance. "How dare you ask me that?" repeating my line last night but in a more playful and lighter tone.