Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Damien's P.O.V.
-Monday, November 8th-
I watch him run out the garage door and turn right.
I try to go after him.
To apologize...
To do anything.
But I can't move.
Oh my God... What have I done?
I was supposed to play nice, until I killed myself.
I had a plan!
I...can't...
My legs give out from under me and I fall onto my knees onto the rough concrete.
What did I just do?
Fear spikes through me.
I put a hand on each side of my head and squeeze as hard as I can.
I let out a sob, putting my shaking hands to my mouth.
What the fuck have I done?
I can't...
I can't believe...
Oh my God, I did exactly what I promised him time and time again I wouldn't do!
He's never coming back...
He's never coming back.
This repeats in my head over and over again.
The only good person in your life...
You've hurt them beyond repair.
Josiah is never coming back.
You hurt him.
I have to apologize... I have to...
I have to....
I quickly stand and steady myself and I contemplate getting my motorcycle.
Before I can think about it too long, mom's car pulls in the driveway, blocking me in.
I guess I'm on foot.
I run past her car, not bothering to look at her.
I don't give a shit what she thinks.
As I head to his house I try calling his phone a million times.
I leave one message.
"Josiah, please...I'm so sorry, please call me back."
I then keep trying him over and over again.
I stop just outside his neighborhood.
What am I doing? He doesn't want me.
This fact hits me like a fucking bus.
He doesn't want me.
If he wanted me to apologize...
If he wanted to make things right...
He would have stayed.
Oh my God.
I was right.
He's never coming back.
My chest tightens and it gets hard to breathe.
Maybe this is a good thing...
All I do is hurt him, and maybe my death won't matter if he hates me.
I had it all wrong.
I need to get a drink.
Then I can figure this out.
It takes me a while, but I finally find a liquor store.
I go in and get three bottles of whatever I can get my hands on, in this case three bottles of tequila. It tastes like shit but it's guaranteed to get you drunk, quick.
I then leave, bag in hand.
I just let myself wander, having no destination.
I find myself at that same abandoned parking lot that I was at seemingly lifetimes ago, the one I stopped at when I couldn't find Josiah. When his dad got out of prison.
He ended up at a McDonald's.
But this time...
He doesn't want me to find him.
Ever again.
I sit down, leaning against the abandoned brick building.
I open one of the bottles and chug it as quickly as I can.
It warms my stomach, but it doesn't stop the pain.
I crack open the second bottle and I feel tears fall down my face.
I close my eyes for a moment and lean my head back against the cold, brick wall.
What have I done?
Why do I insist on destroying every good thing in my life?
How could I hurt him like that?
I hit my head against the wall behind me, tears flowing freely now.
God.
This is it.
He was all I had. Now I have nothing.
Nothing.
I can't do this.
My chest contracts, and I realize I haven't been breathing.
Good.
I don't deserve to.
All I've done, and will ever do it hurt people.
I can't keep this up.
I can't.
I'm going to the school, and I'm going to break in and jump.
I'll be dead.
Gone.
I won't have to worry anymore.
I remember how his fingers slipped in between my own. With each step, I remember something that I'll never experience again.
How he would blush every time I complimented him...
But I don't have a choice anymore.
I never did.
By the time I finally make it to the school grounds, the sky is starting to get dark. I go to take another drink of my second bottle, but I realize it's empty.
I toss it on the ground and I approach the school.
The front is locked. Obviously.
I walk around the sides, trying each door. By the time I make it to the back of the school, a door finally opens.
I sneak in and orient myself. I'm in the cafeteria kitchen.
I walk out and find myself in the cafeteria. It's so empty. All of the lights are off and it's really creepy.
I stare at the table we always sit at, and remeber all the stupid conversations we've had.
All of the dogs of the days...
I open my final bottle and take a drink as I stumble up the stairwell, toward our lockers.
I pass empty classrooms as I go and I pass the classroom Josiah and I used to share.
It's as if my brain is split in two, half of it so, so ready to go, and the other reminding me what I'm losing.
Him.
But he deserves so much more.
I'm only holding him back.
I'm holding all of them back.
When I was hiding in the bathroom and we shared my earbuds on the floor...
I stop at the hallway that we first met. When Logan was hurting him, I never should have helped him. He would have been so much better off if I never interfered.
I sit on the floor where he was.
Where I helped him seemingly so long ago...
But it really hasn't been that long, has it?
I run my hand through my hair.
Do I really want to do this?
God.
Should I stay?
And for what?
To become my father?
To become a depressed alcoholic who works for his mother's criminal business?
To be alone,
Forever?
No. I can't.
I'm so exhausted I can hardly force myself up.
I try to call Josiah again as I make my way to the stairway that leads up to the roof.
This has to happen.
I reach his voicemail and leave a second message.
All that comes out is a strangled, "I love you."
I then hang up. I can't force myself to say anything else.
I take the stairs up to the roof, my legs getting heavier and heavier with every step.
I go past the sign that says no students beyond this point.
I walk up to the roof and the cold air hits my face as soon as I push the door open. I take another drink and I slip my coat off. Despite the cold air, I feel really, really hot. Almost feverish.
It's probably the three bottles of tequila.
I stumble over to the half wall that goes around the flat roof of the school.
I look down and see the cement below I climb up onto the wall and I sit down, dangling my feet off the edge. I drink until the bottle is empty, and then I throw it as far as I can. I watch it shatter on the ground into a million invisible pieces. I look up at the sky, trying to find my stars, but instead, I realized it's started to snow. I watch a snowflake fall down and land on my phone beside me.
I need to tell him goodbye.
Even if he doesn't want to hear it.
Even if he never wants to see me again I have to let him know what he meant to me. But if I call....and he picks up...
God...
I don't know what I would do. I'm just so, so tired.
So I send a text.
Damien: Josiah. I am so sorry for what I did and for what I'm about to do. I know you'll never forgive me because I'll never be able to forgive myself but I promise you I really did love you. More than I've ever loved anyone else. More than I ever thought was possible. As I'm writing this its just started the very first snow of the year. Do you like snow?? I like to think you do...... im sorry for everything ive ruined. For all of the could have been . We could have built a life together. Maybe even got married one day who the fuck knows but all of that is ruined. I've ruined it. before I go just know that you deserve the world. You deserve so much more than how your dad treated you. Then how I treated you. Please find a way to be happy. Please. For me. I really did love you Josiah. And thats why I have to go. That's what I have to jump, because you're not safe if you're with me. And if I'm alive then you might try to come home to me..and I cant let that happen. I have to keep you safe. i'm so sorry.
I send the text before I can think about it.
It's too late now.
No going back.
I make sure that it sent.
Only a few minutes later I get a phone call. I look at the caller I screen and it's him.
I throw my phone behind me, and toss it beside my jacket. I have nothing to distract me now.
So, I guess this is it.
I make myself stand up. I balance on the wall, and slowly begin walking back and forth, not quite able to force myself to jump.
Not just yet.
Even if Josiah was looking for me I don't think he would look here.
This won't take long anyway.
But first, I want to remember more, I want to torture myself with all of the good.
I want to feel happy, just this once.
I remember kissing him in the mall, when he had the beanie pulled over his eyes.
I remember how excited he was to get me a gift
I remember him and I kissing on the bed for the first time.
I remember how soft his skin is to the touch.
I center myself in the wall and I shut my eyes.
I remember his laugh.
His smile.
And I open my eyes, smiling.
Feeling more free then I ever have.
This is right.
No tears fall down my face as I stare at the ground below.
Before I can do anything else, I hear the door slam open and I turn and look.
He's here.
How the fuck...?
"...Damien? Hey, w-why did you ignore me after s-sending that horrifying text? I..." He starts as he leaves the stairway.
He sees me standing on the ledge and his face pales. "Please...get away from the edge. I-I'm sorry for being b-bossy and always picking fights, but... Just, please."
He tries to approach but I hold a hand out "Stop. Do not come any closer."
If he fell...
I sigh wearily, "No. This isn't your fault. This never has been your fault. It's mine. All of this is my fault." I turn to look down again. "As long as I'm alive, you won't be safe. "
"That's not what you s-said earlier... And y-you don't have to keep me s-safe. I don't c-care how unsafe I am, I-I just wanna be with you..."
I smile at him sadly. "See. That's why I have to go."
Josiah begins to cry. "You can't go! I... I really need you. A lot. N-Not just 'c-cause I have nowhere else to go..."
I stay staring down.
Afraid if I look at him I'll get down.
I hate it when he cries.
"I really c-could never live without you. Physically, and m-mentally. I n-need you in every way. Damien, if I l-lost you... I would be c-completely alone. I-I went h-home today and... my Dad's b-back in jail. And my aunt told me she hopes I go die, so..." He takes a shuddering breath.
I look at the ground below, watching the snowflakes hit the pavement.
"You won't be alone, You'll be happy. And safe. Without me. Pierre promised he would look out for you. I bet he would let you get a snake, too." I murmur, convinced there's not a chance I won't die tonight. "Leave, Josiah. I don't want you to see this..."
"I don't w-want a s-snake. I want you. I-I would never s-stay with that old guy, Damien. I w-would go home, even if I'm...am not wanted...not that I ever h-have been, but..." He trails off.
"Please." I beg him, "Just let me be happy. And let yourself be safe. Just let all of this end."
A headache starts in my temples, and I put my hands on each side of my head, wincing.
"All this pain can just stop..."
"I know that s-sometimes living c-can be the hardest thing. It's going t-to be okay, though. You realize that w-we have a p-plan, right? And I-I need you for it. I wouldn't be able to do this on m-my own. You and me, Damien... C-Come on. We're okay."
"No we're not! Or I'm not! I can't stop this now. My mom wants me to take over for her, and we can't make it to graduation. I won't become my father. I'm doing the world a load of good if I just end this now!"
Why is he fighting me?
"Why can't you accept that this is what I want? This is what's right."
I can't look at him.
"This isn't right. I...I love you, Damien. What if I w-was the one in y-your p-position and you were in m-mine? Would you let me?"
"Don't." I mutter, looking up at the sky as the snow starts falling a little heavier.
"Don't what? I'm serious. This is serious."
I laugh a bit, despite myself. "Yeah. No fucking kidding."
I finally turn and face him.
He's crying, his arms out just a bit, as if beckoning me back to him.
To whatever he thinks is okay.
That was a mistake. I hate seeing him cry.
"Josiah. Don't cry. Please. You aren't supposed to be here. Just go back to my house, and Pierre will help you through highschool and college. I stashed all of my money in my closet. You'll have enough to get through school for sure, and then some. Please. It's going to be okay."
"I don't want to be with Pierre! Your life is serious. If you don't think so, then at least stay alive for me."
"I did. For the past few months I have, Josiah." I sight, turning back around. "But I can't do this anymore. It's too much."
I can't make him watch. He needs to leave.
But I might not get the choice....
"It'll get better, though. Damien... I can't live without you. I would just go home and get killed by my aunt, or something. If y-you were to jump, I would, t-too. I...wouldn't have another choice."
"What?!"
No... He can't...
He's not allowed to do that...!
"No. You can't..."
I swear to god, my heart starts beating again.
Suddenly, I can breathe.
And I feel something.
Complete and utter fear.
"Josiah..." I start panicking, "I can't... I don't know..." I cut myself of with a ragged breath.
Any calm I had is gone.
I start crying.
"I don't know what to do..."
"Damien, I don't c-care how m-many times we fight, or any of...of that. I j-just need you. M-My only alternative is dying. Just c-come here and...and let's g-go home."
I look down at the ground one last time. I then turn to look at him, the pleading and fear in his expression.
I can't do this to him.
My mom is right.
I'm weak.
I couldn't protect Josiah from his biggest problem, me.
I guess I don't love him as much as it feels like I do.
As much as I thought.
Or else I would be able to do this.
But...
I can't.
I slowly climb down, and as soon as I do, I fall against the wall I was on just a second ago, my legs not wanting to work anymore. I let out a sob that I've been holding in since...forever.
Weak.
I cover my mouth, but Josiah is there in seconds, his arms around me, pulling me away from the edge.
He pulls me inside the stairwell, and he hugs me so tightly, if I wasn't so numb from the cold, it would hurt.
I continue to cry as he holds me tightly. So, so tightly.
"I know it's hard, but p-please, n-never even think about doing this again. That's all I-I ask of you. You c-can do whatever else you want t-to do, but d-don't ever think about k-killing yourself."
I just nod, unable to speak.
Unable to do anything.
I try my best to catch my breath.
Once I've calmed down a little bit, he says, "Let's go home."
I just nod again, unable to get the cold fear of him dying out of my chest. "My k-keys and phone..."
"Where?" He asks gently.
"By the edge, on my coat."
He leaves and for a moment and returns with my things.
He slips the jacket on me, and I don't resist. I'm too exhausted to do anything at this point.
He takes my hand and leads me home.
I drive I silence, doing everything I can to just focus on not veering the car into oncoming traffic and ending this all now.
As soon as we get home, he lets go of my hand when my mother runs out of the house and says, "Why aren't you answering your phone?! What the fuck were you guys out doing?!"
I stare up at her and she sees the tears in my eyes. Something must look wrong on my face, because she's no longer mad I don't answer her. I just look down.
I'm just so, so tired.
I hear her ask Josiah, "What's going on?"
"I...I..." He stammers.
"Go upstairs." I say.
He looks at me, worried. As if he thinks I'm going to run back to the school.
"It's okay." I say softly. He leaves and heads inside.
My mother says, "Where the hell were you?" She tightens her bathrobe around her.
I push past her and start inside. "Don't do this tonight. I can't deal with this right now."
I should be dead...
I should be dead...
I should be dead...
It plays over and over in my mind...
"Damien! Don't you walk past me!" She yells.
I turn and feel my hands turn to fists. "You want me to stop being a child?! Then quit treating me like one! I'm going to my room! Goodnight."
Before she can respond, I run upstairs, locking the door behind me.
Josiah's sitting on the couch, and looks over at me worriedly.
I lean against the door.
"Please don't come up..." I mutter to myself.
I listen for footsteps, or anything, but after a few minutes, I think it's safe to say she's going to leave it be.
For now.
I slide into a sitting position, trembling from a mix of the cold before, and just being a fucking mess.
I put my head in my hands.
I should be dead...
"Did she s-say anything?"
"Nothing important. She never fucking does." I say, pulling my legs up closer to me.
Wishing I could curl up and disappear.
"Can I sit with you?"
I think about it a moment, before the thoughts crowd everything else out.
I should be dead...
"Sure." I mumble, running a hand through my hair.
He walks over and slides down the wall next to me. "I'm sorry for running away earlier." He murmurs.
"I'm glad you did. You need to stay safe. You need to go far away from here."
As soon as he leaves, I can just go again..
"No. All I need is to stay with you. Do you know my favorite thing about you?"
"Can't be my good looks. You're fucking blind as hell." I say, staring at my carpet.
"Yeah, right. My favorite thing about you is that, when I get really s-scared or when someone hurts me, you always step up and help me. And then, n-no matter how upset I am, you can make me smile. My favorite thing about y-you is how you always make me smile. I wish I knew how to return that. I don't want you to be sad ever again."
I pull my legs tighter to my chest, and rock slightly.
I should be dead...
I should be dead...
I should be dead...
"Please keep talking." I say quietly, "Please." I cry.
"Do you need hugs?" He asks.
"Yeah." I can't move...
He turns to face me, wrapping his arms around me tightly. "My second favorite thing is how, at lunch, you have a dog of the day. And I-I like it because it makes you happy, and you get excited. Then I eat my lunch and you're even m-more happy. And we are okay for a short amount of time, talking about dumb shit."
My body relaxes slightly... and I put my knees down and hug him back, just as tightly. "Don't stop."
"I have thirty, if you want to hear them. Third favorite thing... Hugs, and holding hands. Just nice touches. And they're not even scary with you. They're just good. Fourth favorite... When you sing to me. And Taylor Swift. When you sing Taylor Swift. It's funny and comforting." He smiles.
I rest my head on his shoulder. "Josiah, I'm scared."
"I know. I'm sorry I can't help. I'm trying."
I nuzzle closer to him. "You're doing great." I murmur, feeling so, so tired.
"Do you wanna hear all thirty favorite things? Really?"
"Yep. Your voice is really nice. It calms me down."
"Okay. Fifth thing. When we're watching a movie but neither of us are actually watching it. That's fun. Sixth. I like petting your hair. I like your hair. Seventh. You teach me a bunch of new things, and then you show them to me. Stuff you grew up with. A really big red dog, pizza, chocolate milk... I like that a lot. That one might be sixth. They swap a lot. Most of them do. The order isn't consistent. Eighth. I like when you do things that are just weird as hell. I don't know if it's actually just how you are, or if you're doing it to make me happy, but I love it."
"Weird as hell? Like what? I'm not weird." I deny.
There's no more space between us, and if I could pull him closer, I would.
"Rawr."
"Fair. Do you have more? Or is that it?"
"There's thirty. Stop cutting me off. Ninth. You play along when I do things that are weird as hell. It's adorable and, again, I don't know if you really believe me or if you're being silly. Number ten. This is tenth because it only happened once really... But when you read to me. I wish we could always do it. It made it so much easier. Trying to read is hard for me, so you helping with that and also getting the bonus of hearing your voice is nice... Eleven..."
I rest my head as he continues, listing all of the fucking thirty.
He was very thorough, I'll give him that.
But as we sit against the door, intertwined so closely together that it's hard to tell where he starts and I end, I get a little bit of that peace I was hoping for.
Maybe...we can be okay.
Someday.
End