" You're gonna have to grow up one day son. You're not gonna be 7 all ya life. Shoot him Deiontae! "
POW POW
I gasp and look around the room intensively. I try to slow my breathing and I notice Kaycee laying on my chest sleep. I don't even remember falling asleep to be real, the last thing I remember was we finished the movie so we turned on another one.
I start trying to sit up and she wakes up a little. I wipe the sweat from my face and look over at her. She rubs her eyes and looks up at me. I turn away from her and start trying to get out of the bed.
She grabs my arm, " Deion what's wrong..? I shake my head, " Nothing, watch out. " She continues to hold on to my arm. I sigh.
" Tell me what's wrong. ", she continued to probe. " Nothing yo, go back ta sleep. It's late. ", I tell her snatching my arm from her. I grab my cane and slowly push myself up off the bed. My side don't hurt as much as it did yesterday but it still hurts like a bitch.
I make my way to the bathroom. Ain't no way Ima be able to go back to sleep so, Ima just get ready for the day. I gotta lot of shit to do since I was down in the hospital anyways.
" Deion. ", Kaycee called out knocking on the bathroom door. I shook my head, why she don't listen?
I ignored her and start undressing. I winced as I pulled my shirt over my head. I looked at my stitched up cut in the mirror. Nigga must've had an exotic, extra large knife because my cut is big eshit...
Kaycee starts knocking again so I swing the door open and look down at her, " What yo? You being annoying. " She stared at my cut for a while before she said anything.
" I just wanna make sure you're okay... I didn't know if your side was hurting because I was kind of laying on it- ", she finally started saying. I shook my head, " Nah, it wasn't that yo. I just needed to get up and get shit going. I got stuff I needa catch up on."
" Okay. ", she nodded and walked off back to the bed. I closed the door and finished undressing and hopped in the shower.
I wanna tell her about my nightmares and I've been wanting to since I was staying at her house... but if I do, nothings gonna change so what's really the point? What's the point of re-bringing up memories I wanna forget about just for nothing to change?
The nightmares keep ending off at the same part when the gun went off and then I wake up. It gotta mean something, I just don't know what it means...
•••
" Can I tell you sum..? ", I grab Kaycees moms hand and she held my hand tight. I relaxed in the chair and sighed, being here talking to her made me feel safe. I used to always come to her for my problems and she would always help me.
" What's going on... ", she mumbled. " I'm having these nightmares that only happen certain nights... like some nights I get them, some nights I only get a part of the nightmare, and some nights I don't get anything at all. "
She didn't say anything so I kept talking, " Like last night, I was laying with Kaycee and it's like she helps the nightmares even though I still have them... and when I wake up I'm not as scared and shit because I know she's laying by me. "
" Then I think you're telling the wrong person Deion... you need to explain this and your nightmare to Kaycee. ", she started. " I know it may seem like she can't really tell you something and they'll go away but talking about it with someone can help and I feel like that someone needs to be her, not me. Kaycee can help you more than I can. "
I nodded, " I been wanting to... I just- Ion know how yo. Ion even know how to begin explaining this to her. " Maybe the whole, just talking about it shit will make the nightmares stop.
" Yes you do... you were going to explain it to me, explain it the same way to her. ", she told me. " Kaycees a great listener and she's helpful and she only wants to help everybody. "
I nodded cause she was right, Kaycee the nicest mf I know and she don't know it but she been helping me out a lot.
" So how you been? ", I ask her changing the subject. I be meaning to call and talk to her but I be busy and be around Kaycee and I never really have the time to sit down and talk to her how I want to. Ion wanna make this visit all about me when the reason I came up here was to see how she was doing.
She closed her eyes and sighed. I look at her confused, " What that mean? "
" I'm not good Deion. I'm not reacting to the treatments anymore... the doctors don't know how to help me. ", she answered softly.
I stood up, " Nah, it gotta be something else we can try- some other treatment. " She shook her head, " There isn't. I've already tried looking and doing research... it's over. "
I slowly sat back down, I felt like somebody was stabbing me again... I can't lose her because if I do I'll have nobody. Kaycee will have nobody. Vontae will have nobody.
" I- Imma figure out something... I don't care how much it cost, I'll pay for it. ", I sniffed. " Whatever I gotta do. "
She shook her head and tears were falling down her face, " It's my time Deion... I've lived a happy life taking care of you, Vontae, and Kaycee when she was staying with me... make sure you continue to take care of each other. I don't wanna keep putting strain on Kaycee paying for these bills and it's not doing me no good but making me and her suffer more. I just wanna be at peace... I don't wanna hurt and feel sick all the time anymore. "
" Why you giving up-", I started to say.
" Deion... I promise you, you will be okay. I'm just tired... I can't anymore. I've fought for as long as I could. ", she smiled grabbing my hand.
•••
" You talked to yo mom recently? ", I mumbled looking over at her as she ate. I had got me and her some food but I ain't touched mine yet.
The news I got from Kaycees mom been fucking with me and I honestly don't know what to do or how to feel about it and I know when Kaycee find out, it's gone hit her way worse.
She nods, " Yeah, I talked to her today actually. " My eyes got wide and I sat up a little, " And what she say..? "
She chuckled and looked at me weird. I'm assuming she didn't tell Kaycee yet...
" Deion why you being weird? We just talked about what we usually talk about... why? ", she questioned. I shook my head, " Nun, I was just curious yo. "
So I know but Kaycee doesn't... why she ain't tell her? I don't wanna be the only one who knows because Ima feel guilty about it like should I tell Kaycee or nah? It's not really my place to but if I know something about her mom I should tell her right?
Because if it was me, I wouldn't wanna be kept in the dark yo... that's kinda fucked up.
I don't know, maybe she just ain't ready to tell Kaycee yet and I get that. Shits hard to do.
Kaycee grabbed the blanket and sat next to me on the couch, " Are you okay? You been acting like something is bothering you all day... wanna talk about it? "
I ain't answer. Now is probably my chance to talk about the shit I wanted to talk about but where do I even start... there's a lot of shit that tie into my nightmares and why I have them and I'm tryna avoid explaining everything because some shit is to painful to bring up.
I spent a lot of my time tryna forget and move past things so I can never have to talk about em again.
I looked over at Kaycee and she was waiting for me to say something. She patient wimmie and it's one of the things that make me feel like I can trust her yo and I ain't really have that feeling with nobody before.
I nod and she covers up, " Okay, I'm listening... "
I sigh, " My dad used to run this business or whatever you wanna call it but he used to do some bad shit... and at the time I was only 7 so at that age I still ain't really know everything that was truly happening forreal you feel me? "
She nodded and I kept going.
" Until one night, I was put into the position where I had to shoot somebody and it wasn't to protect me or my dad, it was just because the nigga wanted me to. He wanted me to do the dirty work. He just wanted me to be like him so bad he would force me to shoot people and steal and- a lot of other shit I ain't gone mention- because that was just the kind of father figure he was yo. So of course I was scared, I was only 7 doing this shit and he kept yelling at me to do it, to shoot him but I just couldn't... so in between all the yelling and me hesitating, the guy who I was supposed to shoot had managed to call his backup and- "
I paused. " It's okay. ", Kaycee comforted.
" His backup came in and shot my dad... and I always felt like it was my fault because if I would've shot the guy sooner, he wouldn't have had time to call for backup and my dad wouldn't have been shot. I lived with that guilt for 13 years yo... and as much as I try to forget about it, it just keeps popping up in my head and I be having nightmares about it and it always ends right after the shots go off... and it's been bothering the fuck outta me yo. " I sniffed and Kaycee wiped my face, I didn't even know I was crying. I took a deep breath, it felt like a little weight was lifted off my shoulders...
" And I took over the business because I felt like that would... somehow make me feel less guilty about everything and to be honest, it's not even really working. ", I shrugged.
" I'm sorry your dad put you through those things Deion... you shouldn't be forced to do things you didn't feel comfortable doing. I understand you feel guilty about your dad but it wasn't your fault. You didn't know so you can't blame yourself... you were young and scared. Okay? ", she expressed. I nodded and looked at her.
" I didn't know you were having nightmares, but I'm glad you told me so that I can help you. I wanna help you. ", she continued.
" You have been. ", I mumbled. " When I lay around you, you just make me sleep better. " She pouted a little bit, " I do? "
" Yeah. ", I said simply.
She looked down at the blanket and there was blood and I looked at my shirt and blood was leaking through, " Shit. "
We quickly stood up and she went to grab the bandages and shit from the bathroom, I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the island. I lifted my shirt up and held it as I looked down at my cut.
This mf just be bleeding outta nowhere.
She come back with the stuff and sets it on the island and starts cleaning my cut up. I just watch her, " I appreciate you for listening yo. "
" Thank you for telling me... I know it's not easy opening up about stuff like that. ", she responded looking up at me.
She was right, and I'm glad I did.
She finished cleaning my cut and put a bandage on it and she smiled, " There. " I tucked my bottom lip in my mouth and I was just staring at her lips. I grabbed her chin and rubbed it pulling her face closer to mine.
I licked my lips then kissed her.