chapter seventeen
{ unedited }
IT WAS THE DAY AFTER THE DANCE AND ALICE WASN'T SURE WHAT SHE WAS FEELING. She felt angry towards Otis which was clouding every other thought in her mind. She hadn't tried to talk to Maeve yet since the whole 'I think I'm in love' thing and she was dreading the moment she would see the girl.
All Alice really knew was that she needed a drink but wasn't allowed one.
After being stopped by Ruby at the store, Alice had gone straight home and started to learn songs on her guitar. Her fingers were sore and she had even managed to cut herself sometimes while practising but the pain only encouraged her to continue until she finally passed out from exhaustion. Sadly, Alice didn't have that distraction while at school so the temptation for alcohol was always on the back of her mind no matter what she was doing and it was becoming exhausting fighting it every second of every single minute that Alice was tempted to just give in.
"Maeve Wiley, Alice Milburn and Otis Milburn to Mr Groff's office."
Alice shut her locker with a sigh and made her way to the office, bumping into Maeve on her way there. "You okay?" Maeve asked gently, noting Alice's puffy eyes, red cheeks and the plasters covering her fingertips. Alice nodded, attempting a smile as she looked up at the younger girl.
Yeah...this was too hard to deal with sober.
"I didn't know about Otis helping Jackson," Alice said as they turned the corner to the headteacher office. Her voice was strained and quiet, her throat hurting after crying for hours the night before.
"I know," Maeve said quickly. "Otis made that much clear." Alice appreciated that much even if she was angry at her brother. The two fell silent when they spotted Otis already waiting outside the office and Maeve was called in immediately. Alice took the seat beside Otis, not saying a word.
Otis didn't try to talk either. He knew better than to annoy Alice more than she already was and Alice was doing her best to ignore his existence, her gaze set on the award with Adam's name on it. That should be Maeve's award, as should most of the awards in this school should be. Maeve was the smartest student in this school and it should be known to everyone. These students who hadn't lifted a single finger in effort didn't deserve the fame.
Alice turned away from the trophy when the urge to steal it came over her. First drinking and now stealing? Something really was wrong with her. She looked towards the office door, trying to see if she could hear anything that was going on in there but nothing.
It made her paranoid.
Alice stood when the door opened and Maeve walked out, Mr Groff behind her. Maeve left quickly and Mr Groff dismissed Alice and kept Otis behind. Alice was quick to catch up to Maeve, grabbing onto her hand gently to alert the younger girl of her presence. "What happened in there? Is everything okay?"
"Uh...not really. I think I might be getting expelled."
"What?"
"I have to get to class," Maeve said when the bell rang, leaving Alice alone in the middle of the hallway, full of confusion. Alice's eyes followed her as she walked away before turning to Mr Groff's office where Otis had just left.
She wanted to go back in there and demand to know why Mr Groff was doing this but didn't want to be late for her lesson. It was art once more and, with the end of term coming closer, she needed to finish her assignment as soon as she could.
Alice was late to art class but Mr Reyes didn't mention it as she went to her seat. She pulled out her sketchbook, flicking through the pages she had already completed. She only had one blank page left and had a faint plan of what she was going to do with it. Over the twenty nine pages she had completed, she had four favourites.
One of them was a page dedicated to her favourite songs, bands and artists. One was of a face that melts into nothing as if water had been thrown onto a painting with only the eyes of the face still visible. The third was of three people dancing in the rain from the point of view of someone looking out of a window and her absolute favourite was dedicated to her favourite book; Little Women. It was of a party, more so a ballroom dance, two people dancing in the middle with guests around them and a quote from the book that the image reminded her of; "I have nothing to give but my heart so full and these empty hands" at the top and "They're not empty now" at the bottom.
The final page she was working on now was dedicated to a speech from one of her favourite shows. There was a figure hunched with their knees to their chest and a large shadow behind them with only yellow eyes as features, hands held out as if trying to grab the figure. All Alice needed to add was the speech.
The speech itself goes as follows; there are many types of monsters that scare me: monsters who cause trouble without showing themselves, monsters who abduct children, monsters who devour dreams, monsters who suck blood... and then, monsters who tell nothing but lies. Lying monsters are a real nuisance: they are much more cunning than others. They pose as humans even though they have no understanding of the human heart; they eat even though they've never experienced hunger; they study even though they have no interest in academics; they seek friendship even though they do not know how to love. If I were to encounter such monsters, I would likely be eaten by them... because in truth, I am that monster.
Alice had always liked this speech. She related to it in a way she didn't like to admit. Alice lies. She lies a lot. She lies more than she liked to admit about everything, namely her addictions. She hardly has an understanding of her own emotions let alone others. She's at school even when her education wasn't something that she cared about and she tried hard to keep the relationship with her friends even when she didn't believe in love.
Alice believed herself to be one of those monsters.
"Is that from deathnote?" Carmen asked, leaning over Alice's shoulder to see the book and the faint writing of the speech already written. Alice nodded, turning to look up at them. "I love that manga."
"I haven't read it, only watched it."
"How dare you," Carmen scoffed. "I'm giving you the books to read." Alice only hummed in response and turned her attention to her book and Carmen's smile fell. "You alright? You don't look so good."
"Is that your nice way of telling me I look shit?" Alice asked as Carmen took Lily's normal seat, the girl having missed the lesson. Carmen shrugged, not really giving an answer. "It's just been a long night."
"Yeah, Stella was pretty worried when you left without warning. Gave us all a fright." Alice may have forgotten to message the girl when she got home, remembering hours later. With her phone being on silent, she missed ten calls from Stella, seven from Johnny and three from Yuriko plus a bunch of messages that were still unread.
"You should go to the other students before someone thinks something is happening here," Alice said, ignoring Carmen's last remark. Carmen seemed like they still wanted to say something but decided against it as they left Alice's side to check on the other students and their work.
Alice turned back to her work, deciding to put her urges in that instead.
Alice was waiting outside Mr Groff's office at the end of the day, her eyes on the trophy. She looked around quickly, making sure no one was there to see her. The secretary was inside talking to Mr Groff and there seemed to be no one looking her way so she quickly grabbed the trophy and stuffed it in her bag.
She had just managed to close the zip to her bag when Mr Groff's door opened and she looked up, feigning an innocent look as he asked her to come in. "What can I do for you, Miss Milburn?" He asked after telling her to take a seat.
"Why is Maeve getting expelled?" Alice asked, choosing to remain standing by the door.
"I don't think that is any of your business," he said, voice monotone as ever and Alice wanted to punch the stupid smirk off his face. "If you know what's good, you'd stay away from her. She'll only get you in trouble."
"You can't expel her."
"And why's that?"
"Because she's the smartest person in this school. Expelling her is just stupid if you want to keep the school's overall grades up. You're going to be losing your best student over some shit you won't even tell what it is."
"Is that all?" Mr Groff asked, completely ignoring what Alice said and the girl nodded. "Good. Close the door on your way out, will you?" Alice had to physically bite her tongue to stop herself from snapping at the man as she left, slamming the door instead.
Alice made her way to the art room. The school was already empty so she wasn't scared about anyone catching what she was going to do. She closed the door behind her and pulled the trophy out of her bag and placed it on the table before looking around the room for some sort of knife.
When she found one, she took a seat and started to change the writing. She scratched out Adam's name and, as carefully as she could, engraved Maeve's on top. She put the knife back where she found it when she was done and grabbed a paper bag from the drawer, put the trophy in that and back in her bag before making her way out of the school. Johnny had taken her bike to his place after school ended, Alice having asked him to do so, so she walked to Maeve's place instead.
Alice was quite tired when she got there but she didn't mind as she knocked against Maeve's door. She smiled at the girl when she opened the door. "I have something for you," she said when Maeve asked what she was doing there and took the paper bag out of her bag and handed it to Maeve.
"Is that all?" Maeve asked as she took the bag from Alice and put it inside her home. Alice's smile fell at her harsh tone as she nodded. "Alright, you can go now."
Alice wanted to ask if she had done something wrong but decided against it. Maeve already seemed annoyed at her for reasons she didn't understand and Alice didn't want to add to that. Alice pursed her lips and started to walk away from the caravan, Maeve watching her as she did so.
"Who is it?" Maeve asked, stopping Alice from walking away. Alice turned to her, waiting for her to continue. "This person that you love who doesn't love you back? Who were you talking about? I heard you talking with Johnny's boyfriend."
Ah, fuck.
"We both know you're smart enough to know without having to ask," Alice said and Maeve did know. She knew from the moment she heard their conversation but she wanted to hear Alice say it and the older girl sighed when realising that. "You. It's you. Happy now?"
"I don't like you, Alice," Maeve said and Alice nodded, already knowing that but Maeve decided to continue. With every word she said, Alice felt her heart sink deeper and deeper. "I don't love you and I never will love you. You're my friend and even that is too much sometimes because I don't know if you're going to relapse or not."
Alice opened her mouth to tell Maeve how she's been getting better but the girl didn't stop talking. "Just being around you is too much sometimes because you remind me of my mum who's an addict and I'm always worried about. And...and I think that you should stay away because I don't need any more of that shit in my life. I thought I was okay with it but last night when you just disappeared, I was scared shitless that you had relapsed and I don't need that. It's too much for me to deal with."
"What? No. No, I'm better now," Alice said frantically as she walked towards the caravan. "You know I'm better now and you were fine with this before. What's changed?" Alice had always dreaded that this day would come but she always assumed it would be if she relapsed. Not when she was doing better because she was. She really was. She had fought the urge to drink for two whole days now. She really was getting better.
"What changed? Jackson broke up with me because of you." Alice flinched at Maeve's harsh, accusing tone, the younger girl leaving her home to storm up to Alice. "You're just too much for me!" Alice didn't understand. She didn't understand why Maeve was yelling at her. She didn't understand why Maeve was pushing her away or why she changing her mind now.
Or was it that it was always this way and Maeve just kept her around because of pity? Alice stopped listening the more Maeve yelled, her ears ringing as her vision started to get blurred. This didn't make sense. None of this made sense.
"I don't want or need your shit in my life so stay away from me!" Maeve yelled but her voice seemed far away to Alice as if she was talking through static. Alice could barely see Maeve clearly as her head rang, seeing two blurred figures instead of one clear one.
"Okay," Alice whispered, not knowing what else to say. Maeve repeated the word and made her way back into her caravan as Alice stood frozen, feeling her heart shatter into a million pieces when Maeve banged the door shut.
Alice didn't feel good.
Everything hurt. From the tip of her head to her toes, everything was hurting her. Her legs felt like lead as she forced herself to walk away from the caravan. She could feel the tears rolling down her cheeks but she couldn't seem to bring herself to care. All she cared about was Maeve who now wanted nothing to do with her.
Alice lost her.
Alice lost Maeve for reasons beyond her control. Alice wished she could turn back time, go back two days and make sure that conversation with Yuriko never happened. She wished she could go back to before finding out about Otis helping Jackson so that she didn't disappear. She wished she could go back to before Maeve found out about Alice's feelings for her so that nothing would change but she couldn't.
That was the harsh reality.
Alice couldn't go back in time. She couldn't change what had already happened. She couldn't change the way she felt no matter how much she tried. She couldn't change the fact that she was an addict either and she had to accept that, because of her being dependent on substances, she would never be able to have a proper romantic relationship.
Alice felt the ground give out beneath her once she reached the top of the hill and fell to her knees, no longer having the energy to keep herself up any longer, her tears now coming out in broken cries.
Alice was sobbing on the ground, her hand clutched to her chest as her throat tightened, her head throbbing. She couldn't bring herself to get to her feet when feeling bile rise in her throat, the pain washing over her body as she threw up on the floor, her hair sticking to her face as she felt her pulse weaken.
If this was love, Alice didn't want it.
Alice barely managed to get to her feet, her knees feeling weak beneath her as she made her way back down the hill. If the girl she loves already thinks of her as an addict, what did she have to lose?
Alice made her way to the caravan she hadn't visited in just over a year, banging against the door weakly and repeatedly until it finally opened. Eddie, her previous plug, opened the door with his mouth open to yell at whoever was disturbing him but stopped at the sight of the crying girl.
"Alice...? What are you doing here?" Alice didn't say anything as she dug through her pockets and held out five crumpled ten pound notes, holding them out for him to take. "Are you sure about this? You do know that there's other ways―"
"Just give it to me," Alice said weakly but Eddie still hesitated, not moving from the door. "What, do you need more money?" She asked, digging through her bag but Eddie shook his head. "Then what is it? Just fucking give it to me already."
"Alice―"
"I'm not paying you for sympathy, I'm fucking paying you for coke so give me the shit already!" She yelled and Eddie sighed, taking the money from her with a frown before going back into his home. He knew it was wrong and the girl needed help but this was his job and he had to accept that. He came back out with a bag of white substance and Alice snatched it from him. "Thanks," she muttered before leaving.
Alice put the bag safely in her pocket and made her way up the hill once more. Her feet were dragging behind her and all she wanted was to curl up into a ball and cry until she passed out, drink until she blacked out, but she had to get home first.
She made a pitstop to the convenience store, heading straight for the alcohol aisle. She grabbed two large bottles, one of vodka and one of Jack Daniels whiskey. She was glad it wasn't Ola at the till when she paid, not wanting someone she knew to see her look like the mess she did. Alice could tell the man behind the till was judging her but she didn't care as she quickly paid using her card, taking the bag with the two bottles in and left the shop.
When Alice got home she went straight to her room, ignoring Jean and Otis arguing about god knows what. She doubted they even noticed she had gotten back. She locked her door and pushed her cabinet in front of the door for good measure before throwing the bag onto her bed. She pulled out the small bag of cocaine she had and shrugged off her school bag, letting it hit the floor as she made her way to her desk.
She poured some of the contents out on the desk, using her card to make it into a line. Alice knew this was wrong as she stood over it. She knew there were better options but this was easiest. Feeling this crushing feeling over and over with every breath she took...Alice didn't want that.
So, she sniffed it up. Alice gasped as it entered her system, the world around her going quiet. She felt her mind stop, her body going still for just a few seconds, her heart slowing from how much she took at once.
This time, when everything resumed and the world continued, Alice felt better.