(TW: mention of bl**d and v*m*t)
White chips of frost were wandering in, flicking onto our clothes, licking every surface it fell on.
"You have to close it now," I say. "Our windows aren't even supposed to be open."
"But it's so pretty," she swoons. "Just like you."
Snow caresses the palm of her hand, her warmth converting them to droplets. She tilts her arm, cold water trickles down it.
I shake my head once. "Come on, close it."
She sighs but listens. She tugs the windows shut, latching them. "I wish they would let us out in the snow more often. Imagine dancing, singing and..."
Her freckles ripen pink. "I would love to kiss you under snow."
My heart plummets, dragging my shoulders down with it. I had to tell her.
"Minnie?"
Her blue crystal gaze glances down at me and she glows. "Yes?"
I breathe in. "I really care about you."
"Me too," she laughs. She uncrosses her legs and hops down from perching on the desk. She meets me between our bunks, tucking my hair behind my ear. I shiver, stepping away. Her expression falls.
God, this is going to fucking hurt.
"I really care about you," I repeat. "But I think that maybe we should be friends."
She suppresses a giggle. "We are silly! You're my one and only."
"N-No I mean," I stammer. Shit. "I mean, like just friends."
The color drains from her face. "What?"
"I just feel that we would work better as friends rather than lovers. I think I prefer the way things were before between us."
She blinks, aimlessly. "Are you trying to break up with me?"
"Well, yeah... but like, we could still be friends like before-"
She cuts me off. "Violet, why do couples break up?"
"Huh?"
"They break up either because they are having problems or they're not in love anymore. Are we having any problems?"
We weren't, not really. "Uh, no..."
Her lips quiver. "Do you...Do you not love me anymore?"
"No...No! Of course, I do," I fret. I loved her with every fibre in my body. She saved me. She changed me. She made me better.
"Then why break up?"
The silence that followed that question almost ate me alive. She sighs, resting her hands on my shoulders. "Okay, I know that I've been a little pushy lately and maybe I'm moving things along too fast. That's not fair on you and I'm really sorry if I've hurt you, it's never my intention it's just... "
She pauses, her breath shaking narrowly. "Vi, I'm so in love with you. I'm crazy about you and things are good. Are you really going to throw that all away because you think we'd be better as friends?"
I wanted to say something more. I wanted to explain but her expression was killing me. She was squinting so vastly to hold back welling tears. Her crystal eyes could just shatter.
With her voice breaking, she whispers, almost pleading with me. "It's Christmas."
Shit.
I bow my head. "Uh...I'm sorry, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking..."
She sniffs, wiping her eyes. "I-It's probably just a phase, it happens to most couples. Maybe the weather is giving you cold feet," she chuckles, faintly.
Her hands drop to clench mine and she steps closer to me. "I love you."
"I love you too."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Clementine!"
"It's everywhere," she coughs out, erupting into another shriek. She starts clawing at her hair, scraping her skin. Shit, she's going to hurt herself.
I bolt to her side, nearly stacking it. "It's okay!
She continues to howl, kicking with all her strength. Without another thought, I seize a flying fist and nestle it. "You're safe! It's just a nightmare."
Her movements begin to stall and stiffen. Then her eyes shot open, flickering at me. She stops screaming.
I gasp with relief. "See? Just a nightmare."
Seconds pass and she merely looks at me but even under the moonlight, I can see that something is wrong. The typical white pooling around her hazel iris was bloodshot. Her hair didn't sweep across her temples properly. It stuck to her skin, standing up in the wrong places. A dark mark existed under her ear, like a smear of ink.
She attempts to compute words but she can't. Instead, her body jerks forward in a familiar motion and she clamps her mouth.
Oh no.
She shoves me to the floor and tramples over me. She growls a hiss of pain before falling at the desk bin. She grips onto it and heaves violently.
"I-I'll get the nurse," cries Brody, darting out of our room. I forgot she was even here.
I rush to Clem's aid. My fingers twitch, stretching to hold her hair back but she wrenches away. "You. Can't," she pants, coughing and gasping for air. "S-Stop."
"I'm trying to help-"
She screams. "NO!"
Fear rips me away, nailing me against the wall. I watch her shudder and groan in agony, muttering and sobbing. She stayed this way until the nurse came to her rescue. Half the dorm was awake now.
I never went back to sleep.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I hadn't said anything all day. Brody was the opposite. She couldn't shut up. She was blabbering on and on in panic. I couldn't understand what she was saying, even with her sitting right next to me. The trauma of last night was drowning her out.
Louis was rubbing my back, urging me to eat and drink. I refused silently. I couldn't stomach anything.
"Virus and a mild concussion," reveals Ruby, walking to our table.
Brody splutters. "Concussion?!"
"Not a bad one but she'll be with the nurse for a few days," sighs Ruby. "They've already called a doctor and her parents."
I spit my first words of today. My voice strikes the atmosphere, coarsely. "How the fuck did she get a concussion?"
Ruby hesitates. "Apparently, she fell and hit her head or something yesterday. That's all I've got."
"I-I don't get it," struggles Brody. "She was totally fine!"
"You guys didn't dare her to lick a doorknob at your sleepover, right?"
I smack Louis in repulse. "This isn't fucking funny, dumbass!"
"Did you guys find out what's wrong?"
Sophie calls from afar, Minerva following in her steps.
"Clem's sick," Ruby answers. "Very sick."
"God, I heard screaming and thought someone got fucking stabbed again," exclaims Sophie. "I was expecting an alarm to sound off."
Minnie's arms were folded. She peers at me. "Did she hurt you guys?"
Brody and I snap at the same time. "No!"
Minerva retreats, looking down. "Sorry, it just sounded really scary."
"Scary? I thought she was dying," huffs Brody. She seems to be just as distraught as I was which was comforting, I guess. She stands up with her nose in the air. "I'm going to go and get her stuff."
"No, you're not," interjects Louis, soothing his arm. "You've been with her the entire night. You need to sleep."
"I don't need sleep," she argues. "I'm perfectly fine."
"Brody," sighs Ruby. "I know you're concerned and all but-"
"I'll go check up on her," I interrupt, slipping out of my seat.
"Violet, wait!"
"For fucks sake Brody, this shit isn't good for your anxiety. You need to rest," I mutter.
"No, it's not that," she gulps. "You going is a bad idea."
I keep walking. "I...need to make sure she's okay."
"S-She doesn't want to see you," blurts Brody.
"Did she tell you that?"
She bites her lip. "Yeah, actually."
"I don't believe you," I muster under my breath.
She splutters. "W-Wha...What? I'm not lying-"
"I'm going," I press.
"Violet-"
I spin around, glaring at her. "I'm. Going."
"Just...Be gentle," she warns.
Thanks for the advice, Brody, cause I was totally planning to go to see her just to beat her up and traumatise her. Idiot.
I roll my eyes and push on. I whip around the corner out of sight. My pace grows hasty. There were a few things I wanted to do for her before I saw her.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I've only been to first aid twice in the past seven years. The first time was for getting my eyes punched in by some bitch. The second time was when Willy had spread the flu around the entire block. I was there to get medicine obviously but the stay just made me feel a lot more shitty. It smelt like chemicals and chlorine. It smelt like the hospital.
The place made me feel uncomfortable but I had this strong urge to see her, that feeling alone already terrified the shit out of me.
She was resting. Her warm cocoa skin was pale. Her hair was in tangles, suffocating under a thin fabric bandage. It was stained, blotched with spots of dark ink. That's what was under her lobe, it was dried blood. Her head must've been bleeding last night. A concussion was making more sense.
The worst was her eyes, they were inflamed, puffy and swollen. Her stare was empty, it almost seemed black. My stomach churns.
I lean on the door frame and pull my shit together. "Clementine? Are you okay?
She doesn't flinch. After a few moments, I slowly approach a table standing beside her. It had sealed snacks, full cups of water and dusty books. "I brought your hat, thought you might want it."
Her body remains still. No response was delivered. It was fucking weird with her being this quiet. The sound of her voice was so familiar.
I scratch my neck. "You don't have to talk. I get it. I'm sorry you're feeling pretty shit," I speak. "I told AJ where you are, he said he's going to draw you a get well soon card."
A band of tears leak and roll off her chin. God, she looks...she looks...
"H-Hey," I breathe. "If you need anything just let me know."
She nods slowly, sniffs and croaks. "There is one thing."
My heart flutters. "Yeah?"
She finally looks at me. "Stay the fuck away from me."
The sentence was sharp as every letter that left her chapped lips was accentuated. It was like a blunt force colliding with my head, smashing into fragments.
I couldn't say anything for a while. Maybe, I was hoping she would start laughing and say she was joking. She couldn't be serious, right? Not after everything.
Yet her face said otherwise. She was serious.
I take a step back, almost misplacing my footing like the floor had disappeared. "Fuck me for caring," I finally manage to utter.
"It's not like I ever asked you to," she snarls back.
"Are you shitting me? You're the one who asked to be friends," I scorn.
"Right, that was really fucking stupid of me," she chokes back a sob. "Why the hell did I want to be friends with you? You've never even liked me."
That's how she felt?
"Bull. Shit," I mutter. "You and I both know that."
She hesitates, her eyes falling to the floor. "I thought my old school was shit. I had no friends. I was too...different. Too headstrong at times but never strong enough. Not pretty enough. Not lady-like enough. Never enough at all. I hated it there and for a while, I hated it here too but for a split moment I thought that maybe I could be h-happy."
Her breath hitches. "I try so god damn hard and it's never enough. I will always lose. I don't have any more options," she whimpers. "But you do. You can change things but you won't because you're scared. God, you're so...you're so stu-"
She lurches forward, clenching her jaw. A tiny grunt wobbles on her lips while she holds her stomach.
My voice shakes. "Stupid? You think I'm stupid."
She gulps back whatever is trying to escape and quakes. More tears roll down her cheeks...well, I think it's more tears. My vision was too blurry to tell. I felt lightheaded. My blood was boiling and soon enough, I erupted into a venomous blaze.
"You know what? You're right. I am stupid but at least I'm self-aware. You really thought this place was going to be some exciting fairytale adventure. It's a fucking boarding school, Clementine, we're all here for the same reason. We all fucked up and no one can give two shits to deal with us themselves. No one loves us. We're all here to rot."
I stop to inhale through my teeth. "And if you thought that this place was anything else other than that, then you really are fucking stupid."
She huffs a shallow laugh, picking at the scab on her head. "I guess that's something else we have in common, right? Being stupid?"
The anger eases as my brows twitch in confusion. What the fuck was she saying now?
Her hand quivers to a cup of water. She holds it to her chest with both hands. "Stubborn," she sighs. "I was going to say stubborn. You're stubborn...just like me."
Her body melts into the bed and the rest of her energy dies. She returns hollow, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. My shoulders shed some tension. I couldn't quite decide if I wanted to hug her, slap her or blame her for how she made me feel.
She closes her eyes. "Go. Leave."
"Fine," I seethe, turning my back on her. I blast out of first aid. I march down the stairs and out the door, travelling as far from her as possible.
As I trudge outside, the sun blinds me. It belts my skin, battering me. Burning me alive. My legs don't stop until they cramp and ache. They give out on me, snapping like a pair of thin twigs. My knees grind against the harsh concrete. The skin splits. Fresh blood leaks.
The pain spasming from my knees suddenly surges in the palms of my hands as I open them up. There were curved impressions in my hands, fresh and pink. I was clenching my fists too hard, by accident.
I didn't even notice because I was angry. I was fucking pissed.
And depressed. Heartbroken.
"I try so god damn hard and it's never enough. I will always lose. I don't have any more options," she whimpers.
I always lose, too.
Another thing we had in common. Another trait that pierced both our bodies and stitched us together.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bruh, I wrote this and wondered why I felt so moody and sad.
~ Ash