Being the first day of school, Ricky had no homework, so he decided to goof off online after his dinner and wait for Amy to put John down for the night before calling to shoot the breeze. As he was waiting for John's bedtime to draw closer, there was a knock at his door.
"Who is it?" he called out as he made his way to the door.
"It's me," came the reply.
"Me who?"
"Ricky, open the door!" the person said with frustration. He did so and found his mother standing there. She smiled and gave him a hug, one he was momentarily too surprised to return.
"What are you doing here?" he asked as he stepped back to let her inside. She stepped inside and then turned to face him.
"Ruben got me out early and apparently I have you to thank for that so, thanks," she explained.
"You're welcome," he said as he closed the door. "But that doesn't explain what you're doing here," he said again. She shrugged.
"I need a place to crash until I can find my own place and I was wondering...if I could stay with you for a few days." Ricky shook his head.
"Oh no. I love you but I don't want you around John just yet." Pain and sadness flashed in Nora's eyes briefly before she quickly pushed those feelings aside.
"Ok, ok, I get it. You don't want me in the way." Nora headed towards the door to leave and Ricky momentarily panicked.
"Where you going?" he asked a little too quickly.
"I'll just stay with a friend."
"What kind of friend?" he asked suspiciously. Nora let out an amused huff.
"Don't worry, she's my sponsor. She's not expecting me but I'll stop by and see what happens." She gave him a small smile before turning back towards the door. Ricky was overcome with guilt and sighed.
"Wait." Nora turned back towards him curiously. Ricky's demeanor softened. "You can stay tonight." She may not have been the mother he needed or deserved growing up, but Nora still knew him well enough to know he wasn't asking her to stay out of the goodness of his heart; he was worried about what would happen to her if he didn't know where she was. She gave him a knowing look.
"I'll be fine, Ricky," she assured him.
"Please," he said, his tone pleading with her. Ricky didn't understand why but for some reason part of him wanted her to stay with him and the more she tried to leave the more desperately he wanted his mother to stay. Some part of him knew this was twisted but he'd dissect it later. Nora finally relented and agreed. As his mother settled her small bag of belongings in the bedroom and then went to take a shower, Ricky made up the couch for the night and tried to rein in his emotions as past memories came flooding to the surface and mixed with his memories of Amy. His mother and Amy were nothing alike. While his mother was a pot head and an alcoholic who'd abandoned him when he needed her most, he knew Amy would never subject their son to the same fate. He knew Amy would do whatever it took to make sure John was loved, protected and taken care of. And part of him envied John for it; John had the kind of mother he'd always wanted growing up. Even though he had Margaret in his life now, she hadn't been there the first thirteen years of his life. While he could remember his mother hugging him, spending time with him when the two of them went on occasional outings for ice cream, and, sometimes, cooking for and taking care of him, when she was sober at least, there were times he'd just needed his mother to make him feel safe. When Bob hurt him, he wanted and needed his mother and she wasn't there. Or she was but she was too high or drunk to be of any real help to him.
Ricky sighed as he checked his phone to see what time it was. Even after everything he'd been through as a kid, even after talking to his mother a few months ago and finding out that she'd been just as much a victim as he'd been, if not more so in some aspects, he had a love-hate relationship with her. At the end of the day he loved his mother, even though he still had a hard time outright forgiving her for not being the mother to him that she should've been. Ricky sat down and put his head in his hands. Seeing his mother always generated a storm of emotions. In the past whenever those emotions bubbled to the surface he'd go out and hook up with a girl just so he could feel good for a little while but he knew sex wasn't the answer this time. He took several deep breaths to try and calm himself as he suddenly drew a mental blank. He knew ways to calm himself down and he'd also learned calming techniques from Dr. Fields but for some reason he couldn't seem to remember what any of them were; his mind just couldn't focus. He tried to recall past sessions but instead a single word kept resounding in his mind as though someone were standing next to him whispering it in his ear: Amy. Amy knew him. Amy loved him. He would be safe with Amy. She would be able to help him calm down, to re-center himself. Nora came out of the bathroom just as Ricky was pulling on his jacket and grabbing his car keys.
"Where you goin'?" Nora asked with confusion. Ricky replied by shaking his head.
"I'll be back later," he told her as he headed to the door. He stopped as he was halfway out the door and turned his head to the side to look at her. "Please don't burn the place down." Nora rolled her eyes as he shut the door and left. Ricky walked quickly towards his car and got in, almost desperate to get the Amy. He drove in a haze, his muscles driving him to Amy's house based on muscle memory alone. The closer he got to the Juergens house the more his emotions threatened to bubble over. All he wanted to do was hug Amy and pour out his soul to her and beg her to make the pain go away. He parked on the street in front of the house and practically jumped out of the car. Somehow he remembered to knock instead of ringing to the doorbell so as not to wake the barely asleep toddlers. To his eternal relief, Amy answered the door. She was slightly alarmed by his expression. His eyes were glossy with unshed tears, he was visibly shaking and his face was tight with tension. Before she could ask him what was wrong he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. Amy instinctively wrapped her arms around him and remained silent, waiting for him to speak, knowing simply from his expression and the tension in his body that at that moment he simply needed to hold onto her. The instant Amy was in his arms the scent of her shampoo filled his nostrils and he started shaking even more, afraid that if he let go of her, his anchor, he'd drown in his jumbled emotions and painful memories. Amy simply hugged Ricky tighter.
"I'm here," she said quietly. It was enough to make the tears fall. Amy gently backed them into the house and shut the door. As Ricky silently cried she gently ran the fingers of her left hand through his hair while she rubbed his back in soothing circles with her right. Having heard someone knocking on the front door, George came around the corner from the staircase, intent on answering the door. Amy turned her head slightly to the left towards the sound and caught her father's eye. He silently asked for an explanation but Amy slightly shook her head, letting him know she didn't have any answers to give him just then. George took the hint and left them alone.
"Who was at the door?" Anne asked him when he came into the kitchen. She was putting detergent in the dishwasher so she could run it.
"Ricky." George glanced over his shoulder for a moment towards the hallway leading to the front door. He got closer to Anne and then whispered. "I don't know what's going on but I think it's pretty bad." Anne became worried and looked in the direction of the front hallway. George could see the mothering wheels turning and headed her off at the pass. "I'm sure they'll tell us when they're ready." Anne understood George's unspoken advice that they should give them some privacy and gave him a smile to let him know she'd caught his drift. She closed the dishwasher door, turned it on and put away the dishwasher detergent. Anne waited while George double checked that the back doors were locked and then they turned off the kitchen lights and headed upstairs. Amy saw the lights go off and knew she and Ricky were now alone downstairs. She pulled back slightly so they were looking in each other's eyes.
"Come on," she said gently, pulling back to take his hand and lead him into the living room. She sat on the couch, grabbing a throw pillow and placing it on her lap as she did so. She motioned for Ricky to lie down and he did so, facing away from her. She began stroking his head with her right hand and placed her left on his shoulder; Ricky reached up with his left hand and grabbed it. He drew it down so he could kiss the back of her hand and then he simply continued to hold her hand in his. They were silent for quite some time, Amy silently comforting her boyfriend and giving him time to compose his thoughts. The silence was only broken by Ricky's occasional sniffle. Finally the tears stopped flowing and Ricky found his voice.
"My mom dropped by tonight." Amy stayed silent, sensing he wasn't finished. "And just like the last time I saw her, all the bad memories and emotions came flooding back." He became too choked with emotion to say anything else.
"It's gonna be alright, Ricky. It's gonna be alright." Ricky shook his head.
"Every time I think I'm okay, that I've put it behind me, it's right there, reminding me of what happened! When is it gonna stop!?" he asked desperately as several more tears fell.
"I can't answer that, Ricky. All I know is that you don't have to deal with it alone. You've got me this time around and I'm not going anywhere." She squeezed his hand to emphasis her point and he turned so he was lying on his back and gave her a watery smile.
"I know." She smiled lovingly back at him. They simply stared at each other for a few moments before Ricky spoke again, this time much more calmly. "Do you know why I came over tonight?" He was slightly confused when she nodded and she smiled at his expression.
"When you pulled me close on the porch a little bit ago I knew you just needed or wanted to hold me. I didn't know why but it didn't matter. I'll always be here for you." She knew her words had helped him because she felt his body relax slightly. He took a few deep breaths before he spoke again.
"We've never really talked about my childhood much." He broke eye contact and looked down at his shirt. "It was dark and painful, Amy, and I just never wanted to burden you with it." She chuckled, causing him to look back up at her.
"Burdens are a lot easier to deal with when you share them with someone." He shook his head.
"This is different."
"How so?" she asked curiously.
"Because I love you too much." Amy's brows furrowed.
"You lost me, sweetie." Ricky licked his suddenly dry lips and swallowed a lump that had risen in his throat.
"You don't have a lot of experience with the darker side of life, Amy. You know my parents were alcoholic drug addicts and my dad was abusive but you don't know what it's like to live with people like that. It warps you, Amy, and I didn't wanna be the person who introduced you to the source of all, well, most, of my warpedness and baggage." He began to tear up again and his voice cracked. "Compared to me you're still basically a saint, Amy, and I love you too much to taint you with my past."
"Oh, Ricky," she said compassionately. She leaned down to kiss his forehead. "You can't claim to love someone without loving all of them. Including their baggage and warpedness," she told him with a smile.
"There's a little more to it than that, Amy." Her eyes told him she didn't understand and he sighed dejectedly. "Usually when all these emotions and dark memories bubble up I go for a long walk or go do something athletic or go have sex but this time the only thing I wanted to do, the only thing that I knew would help, was to come see you. I knew that if I could just get to you I'd be okay." The tears began to fall again and Ricky didn't bother to wipe them away. "You love me, Amy. I know that I'm safe with you. Being with you makes everything okay for me and part of me feels guilty about that."
"Why on earth would you feel guilty about something like that?"
"Because it seems like a lot of responsibility to put on someone. Like I'm asking you to personally make the pain from my past go away." He broke eye contact again, turning his head to the side with frustration. Amy gently used her right hand to turn his head back towards her.
"Ricky." He couldn't bring himself to look up at her. "Ricky," she said again a little more firmly but still he couldn't bring himself to look at her. "Richard Matthew Underwood," she said more firmly. Ricky took a deep breath and tilted his head back to look up at her, his eyes filled with wariness. Amy looked at him softly. "You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's only natural to wanna go somewhere you feel safe and loved when you feel outta control. When you feel bad all you want is to be with someone who loves you." She gave him a soft smile. "And I'm honored that I'm one of those someones for you."
"You're the only someones," he corrected her. "I mean, someone," he said once he realized he'd just used Amy's made up word. Amy giggled and then leaned down to kiss his forehead again.
"I love you Richard Underwood," she assured him as she sat back up. "I'll always be here whenever you want to talk, or not talk. And I'll help you deal with this, if you wanna share it with me." He looked at her thoughtfully as he wrestled with a decision.
"I'd like to share some of it with you, Amy. Just promise you won't judge me and love me any less?" he asked, his voice filled with trepidation. She reassured him with a brief kiss on the lips.
"Like I said, sweetie. I love all of you, baggage included. And I promise. No judgment." He relaxed even more and she smiled. "Do you wanna crash here tonight?" He nodded and sat up so Amy could stand. She tossed the pillow on the couch and held out her hand to him. He took it and gave her a questioningly look. She simply smiled and began turning off the living room lights as she headed towards the stairs. When she began to climb them, still holding his hand, Ricky stopped in his tracks.
"Um...." Amy giggled.
"I know you don't wanna be alone right now and we both need to get some sleep," she began to explain. "If my parents are upset about it in the morning I'll take the heat for it." She turned to continue up the stairs and Ricky went with her. She closed her bedroom door behind them and let go of Ricky's hand. He sat on the left side of the bed and removed his shoes and jacket while she climbed into bed from the right side. He looked over his shoulder at her nervously and she smiled, reading his mind.
"You can take off your pants and shirt if you'd be more comfortable. Like I said, I'll explain in the morning." Ricky nodded and stripped to his boxers before sliding under the covers next to Amy and turning off the lamp on her nightstand. When Ricky was settled comfortably Amy slid closer and snuggled against him. He wrapped his left arm around her as she kissed his cheek. "Goodnight, Ricky."
"Goodnight, Amy. And Amy?"
"Hmm?"
"Thanks."
"Anytime."